I am tired. I am so tired. I am tired physically, emotionally and mentally. I am tired of my heart hurting. I am tired of my body hurting. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I know I sound so negative. Sorry.
I don’t know why I can’t get better. I don’t understand why I still struggle with depression. I don’t get the brain chemistry thing. I know that I feel overwhelmed most of the time. I feel like I am loosing it at least once a day. I hurt. I hurt so very deeply. I feel like I am letting my daughter and husband down every day. I feel like Nate deserves better. He does deserve better. But I don’t want him to leave me. Tonight he said that maybe he is the cause of my illnesses. That is BS. I hate that he would even think for a second that my life would be better without him.
God I can’t take much more. I am getting weaker and not stronger. I feel alone. I feel like I need a break from life and I am so tired of feeling that way. I am so tired in general.
I know there are people in my life that think I need to find strength from within. There is nothing left. The strength is gone. My only hope is God infusing me with His strength. I need a miracle. I need to find some relief from this fatigue, physical and emotional pain.
I am so thankful that I know nothing about drugs or how to get them. Because I truly feel like I want to escape and from what I understand they provide that escape. Funny thing is I have a ton of prescription drugs that would make most normal people feel “good”. For me the Vicodin just takes the edge of my pain. It does not even take it completely away much less make me feel high or “good.”
Nate and I got in a fight (sort of) tonight. I got sick of him feeling like I was criticizing him and I yelled. Maybe I am being hard on him. I think that I am a little bit and he is also being too sensitive. It is crazy because we do the same thing with me. I am oversensitive when he gives me constructive criticism. If I am having a “rough” day I take it personally. I can’t seem to get myself together.
I hate that I am not a partner to Nate. I am a burden. It is almost like I am another child that he needs to take care of.
I still feel like I should be able to pull myself together. Why can’t I? Why can’t I pull myself together? I think I am starting to hate that I can’t. If I continue to feel that way it is going to lead me hating myself. And that is bad. Very bad.
I think I better make a gratitude list.
I am grateful for……
1. The many people who love my daughter
2. The many people who love me
3. Our house. It is messy and chaotic but it keeps us warm and it is ours.
4. Christmas. God gave us Son Jesus. Somehow He fit all his glory and power into a tiny baby so that He could reunite humankind with Himself.
5. Our family loves us and has been very generous with gifts this Christmas.
6. My dog Jenny gives the best doggie kisses and cuddles.
7. We are going to Ohio in two days to see family and our wonderful friends.
8. I am going to be an Aunt.
9. Hugs. Hugs are so great. I need to give and get more of them.
10. My daughter gives fabulous hugs and kisses
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Too Long
It has been a whole month since I have written and I am really suffering the consequences. I have not been taking time to take care of myself lately. Vienna has been home more and has tons of energy. I am in the middle of a Fibromyalgia flare up (which means LOTS of pain). So I have been exhausted and sleeping in all of my spare time. Well…….sleeping and Christmas shopping, trying to clean, be a descent mother, wife, family member and friend.
Next year we are going to have to do Christmas differently. I have spent WAY too much precious energy trying to find the perfect presents at the cheapest price. I have become obsessive compulsive about it and it has totally worn me out. It breaks my heart to say this but next year we may just have to do gifts for the kids only or gift cards or something.
Someone told me that a few years ago their whole family gave up giving presents and instead spend a week or weekend away together. I love that idea. Love it! Unfortunately our family is huge and full divorces and re-marriages. But it might work with some folks.
I broke down yesterday. Mostly from exhaustion. My sweet wonderful friend Rebecca took Vienna for the afternoon so I could sleep. Then my amazing hubby took care of V so I could get a haircut and just be out alone for a while.
I was doing better (feeling less depressed) but I have to work at staying that way. I can’t let myself get too tired, stressed, overwhelmed and I cannot neglect taking care of myself. I need to spend time journaling, doing relaxation, praying and reading my Bible. It helps keep me sane.
I still struggle so much with feeling guilty. I hate that I don’t have all the energy to frolic with V in the snow and bake homemade Christmas cookies. She keeps asking me if we can do those things and I just have not felt well enough or had enough energy to do them. I feel guilty. I hate that when I fall apart my house does too. Now a messy house is not the end of the world but a messy chaotic house is stressful and depressing.
I have seen all my doctors this past month. It has been a whirlwind. Medication changes have been made and now I am nauseous almost every day. I am going to go to the Cleveland Clinic at the end of January. Hopefully that team of doctors will be able to help me find a way to treat my Major Depression, Anxiety, Hashimotos Thyroidism, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Insomnia Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and poof make me better.
Going back to the guilt….I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. He told me about the importance of me taking it easy and setting limits. He said to think of myself as someone going through Chemotherapy and that I need to respect the limits of this treatment process. I am trying. But that damn guilt. I feel guilty about all the things I cannot do. I suppose I need to focus on what I can do. Yes I know I need to focus on what I can do. It is just so hard. I am so sad about the many ways I am falling short.
My cousin brought up the idea of having a bucket list at our Christmas celebration. I had one. But so much has changed. So many of my desires have changed. I no longer need to do extraordinary things I just want to be an extraordinary person. I want to be a really good role model for my daughter, love my husband the way he deserves to be loved and serve others. I want to bless the people around me. My bucket list has become very simple. I would like to be healthy enough to have the energy to cook a healthy meal every night. I would like to be able to keep my house picked up and somewhat clean so that we can have people over. I want Vienna to be able to bring her friends over to play. I want to serve God. I want to share His amazing love with all those around me. I want to feel better. But if it is not my destiny to be free from these health issues than I want to live bravely through it. I want to focus on others even if I am in pain and am having trouble seeing past that. I want my daughter to be proud of me. I want her to know that I tried my very best.
I would also like to get better so that I can be more of a partner with my husband. He carries all of the burdens of our family right now. He has a stressful job and a stressful home life. He deserves to be treated like royalty. I want for him to be able to live some of his dreams. I want to see him laugh and enjoy his days without worrying about me. I love him so much and there is so much more I want to give him. He wants to go to Israel someday. I want to make that happen for him.
I am babbling on now. So many thoughts are tumbling out because it has been so long since I have written.
I am not sure if I am going to post this anymore. I have started to feel uncomfortable with so many people knowing my raw thoughts and emotions. I feel very vulnerable. Yet I want other people who struggle with depression to know that they are not alone.
Next year we are going to have to do Christmas differently. I have spent WAY too much precious energy trying to find the perfect presents at the cheapest price. I have become obsessive compulsive about it and it has totally worn me out. It breaks my heart to say this but next year we may just have to do gifts for the kids only or gift cards or something.
Someone told me that a few years ago their whole family gave up giving presents and instead spend a week or weekend away together. I love that idea. Love it! Unfortunately our family is huge and full divorces and re-marriages. But it might work with some folks.
I broke down yesterday. Mostly from exhaustion. My sweet wonderful friend Rebecca took Vienna for the afternoon so I could sleep. Then my amazing hubby took care of V so I could get a haircut and just be out alone for a while.
I was doing better (feeling less depressed) but I have to work at staying that way. I can’t let myself get too tired, stressed, overwhelmed and I cannot neglect taking care of myself. I need to spend time journaling, doing relaxation, praying and reading my Bible. It helps keep me sane.
I still struggle so much with feeling guilty. I hate that I don’t have all the energy to frolic with V in the snow and bake homemade Christmas cookies. She keeps asking me if we can do those things and I just have not felt well enough or had enough energy to do them. I feel guilty. I hate that when I fall apart my house does too. Now a messy house is not the end of the world but a messy chaotic house is stressful and depressing.
I have seen all my doctors this past month. It has been a whirlwind. Medication changes have been made and now I am nauseous almost every day. I am going to go to the Cleveland Clinic at the end of January. Hopefully that team of doctors will be able to help me find a way to treat my Major Depression, Anxiety, Hashimotos Thyroidism, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Insomnia Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and poof make me better.
Going back to the guilt….I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. He told me about the importance of me taking it easy and setting limits. He said to think of myself as someone going through Chemotherapy and that I need to respect the limits of this treatment process. I am trying. But that damn guilt. I feel guilty about all the things I cannot do. I suppose I need to focus on what I can do. Yes I know I need to focus on what I can do. It is just so hard. I am so sad about the many ways I am falling short.
My cousin brought up the idea of having a bucket list at our Christmas celebration. I had one. But so much has changed. So many of my desires have changed. I no longer need to do extraordinary things I just want to be an extraordinary person. I want to be a really good role model for my daughter, love my husband the way he deserves to be loved and serve others. I want to bless the people around me. My bucket list has become very simple. I would like to be healthy enough to have the energy to cook a healthy meal every night. I would like to be able to keep my house picked up and somewhat clean so that we can have people over. I want Vienna to be able to bring her friends over to play. I want to serve God. I want to share His amazing love with all those around me. I want to feel better. But if it is not my destiny to be free from these health issues than I want to live bravely through it. I want to focus on others even if I am in pain and am having trouble seeing past that. I want my daughter to be proud of me. I want her to know that I tried my very best.
I would also like to get better so that I can be more of a partner with my husband. He carries all of the burdens of our family right now. He has a stressful job and a stressful home life. He deserves to be treated like royalty. I want for him to be able to live some of his dreams. I want to see him laugh and enjoy his days without worrying about me. I love him so much and there is so much more I want to give him. He wants to go to Israel someday. I want to make that happen for him.
I am babbling on now. So many thoughts are tumbling out because it has been so long since I have written.
I am not sure if I am going to post this anymore. I have started to feel uncomfortable with so many people knowing my raw thoughts and emotions. I feel very vulnerable. Yet I want other people who struggle with depression to know that they are not alone.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Losing Faith
11-23-10 (12:22 AM)
I wrote on the 18th but it was too revealing to post. When I get some energy I may edit and post it.
Today sucks. I hurt. I ache. Both emotionally and physically. I am so sad. I don’t even have the energy to write about what has been making me feel so sad and crappy. Maybe tomorrow.
I am tired of being me. Well…..I am tired of the depressed me. I have so little to offer anyone. I used to be outgoing, passionate and love to talk. Now in groups I remain quiet. I don’t have anything to contribute. I don’t know what is going on in the world. I don’t know if I will make it through another week of this damn depression. I feel void of personality. Having personality takes energy and I don’t have any of that left. I am boring and sad.
I feel burdensome. I feel like I continually let others down. I hate not being able to do what I want to do. I hate how I feel.
The ache in my heart is so deep.
I wrote this to a friend who also struggles with depression earlier. And then I also sent it to some other people. It explains how I am feeling.
I am having a really difficult time. We decided tonight to not go to Ohio to visit Nate's family for Thanksgiving because I am not doing well. I feel so guilty. But I also know I am not up for the trip. I am worried about what his family is thinking of me. The last two trips to Ohio I have stayed home because I have not been "doing well."
I hate feeling guilty. Yet I am relieved that we are not going. Yet I feel bad. I go back and forth. I wish I could just suck it up and be ok. I hate being depressed. I feel weak. I feel like a looser. I feel crappy.
I am losing faith in God. I don't feel like praying or reading my Bible. I believe God is real. I just don't understand why I am not getting better. This depressive episode has been going on for a year and a half. Enough already. What the heck is God doing? Or not doing?
I hate to admit that I am losing faith in God. But I am a bit. I know that other people are much worse off than me. Some people cannot walk, talk, see, are dying or have lost loved ones. But I feel like I cannot escape my suffering. Depression is in my brain, my thoughts, feelings and my body. I feel like I cannot escape it.
Now I just feel like a whiny baby who needs to suck it up and make myself better. Why can’t I do that? I hate feeling so weak. I hate feeling out of control.
I wrote on the 18th but it was too revealing to post. When I get some energy I may edit and post it.
Today sucks. I hurt. I ache. Both emotionally and physically. I am so sad. I don’t even have the energy to write about what has been making me feel so sad and crappy. Maybe tomorrow.
I am tired of being me. Well…..I am tired of the depressed me. I have so little to offer anyone. I used to be outgoing, passionate and love to talk. Now in groups I remain quiet. I don’t have anything to contribute. I don’t know what is going on in the world. I don’t know if I will make it through another week of this damn depression. I feel void of personality. Having personality takes energy and I don’t have any of that left. I am boring and sad.
I feel burdensome. I feel like I continually let others down. I hate not being able to do what I want to do. I hate how I feel.
The ache in my heart is so deep.
I wrote this to a friend who also struggles with depression earlier. And then I also sent it to some other people. It explains how I am feeling.
I am having a really difficult time. We decided tonight to not go to Ohio to visit Nate's family for Thanksgiving because I am not doing well. I feel so guilty. But I also know I am not up for the trip. I am worried about what his family is thinking of me. The last two trips to Ohio I have stayed home because I have not been "doing well."
I hate feeling guilty. Yet I am relieved that we are not going. Yet I feel bad. I go back and forth. I wish I could just suck it up and be ok. I hate being depressed. I feel weak. I feel like a looser. I feel crappy.
I am losing faith in God. I don't feel like praying or reading my Bible. I believe God is real. I just don't understand why I am not getting better. This depressive episode has been going on for a year and a half. Enough already. What the heck is God doing? Or not doing?
I hate to admit that I am losing faith in God. But I am a bit. I know that other people are much worse off than me. Some people cannot walk, talk, see, are dying or have lost loved ones. But I feel like I cannot escape my suffering. Depression is in my brain, my thoughts, feelings and my body. I feel like I cannot escape it.
Now I just feel like a whiny baby who needs to suck it up and make myself better. Why can’t I do that? I hate feeling so weak. I hate feeling out of control.
I Want to Sleep!
Written on 11-17-10
Argggg I cannot fall asleep. I went to bed over almost an hour and a half ago and I just cannot fall asleep. I really dislike this because I feel so yucky when I do not get enough sleep. I am sure that eating peanut butter M&Ms before bed did not help the cause but this is really ridiculous.
I have been doing this TV survey thing where you keep track of all the TV that is watched in your home. It is pathetic how much late night TV I have been watching. I wish I could be more productive during this time but I am tired and cranky about not being able to sleep. I have to be careful what I do so that I do not wake myself up more. Anyway…..I suppose I am thankful for bad late night TV. If it was good I would stay up later.
Argggg I cannot fall asleep. I went to bed over almost an hour and a half ago and I just cannot fall asleep. I really dislike this because I feel so yucky when I do not get enough sleep. I am sure that eating peanut butter M&Ms before bed did not help the cause but this is really ridiculous.
I have been doing this TV survey thing where you keep track of all the TV that is watched in your home. It is pathetic how much late night TV I have been watching. I wish I could be more productive during this time but I am tired and cranky about not being able to sleep. I have to be careful what I do so that I do not wake myself up more. Anyway…..I suppose I am thankful for bad late night TV. If it was good I would stay up later.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Feeling Better
Today was so much better than yesterday! Today was a good day. My pain level was low. And…..I was NOT depressed! Yay. I really enjoyed my family, laughed, had some fun and got some Christmas shopping done. Yay for being productive!
I knew today would be better. There are so many reasons why I think we sleep at night. I think that one of them is that we can go to bed after a terrible day and wake up fresh and renewed the next day.
A friend of mine sent me some encouraging Bible verses today. The first is from the thrid chapter of Lamentaions.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
-- Lamentations 3:21-26
The second is, "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." --Jeremiah 31:25
Thank you friend for the fabulous verses.
Thank you Lord for a really good day!
I knew today would be better. There are so many reasons why I think we sleep at night. I think that one of them is that we can go to bed after a terrible day and wake up fresh and renewed the next day.
A friend of mine sent me some encouraging Bible verses today. The first is from the thrid chapter of Lamentaions.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
-- Lamentations 3:21-26
The second is, "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." --Jeremiah 31:25
Thank you friend for the fabulous verses.
Thank you Lord for a really good day!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
What Now?
Tough day. Dang I am glad it is over. Well it is almost over. It is so interesting to me how much my days can differ. I feel like I am up, down and all around. Man I want to get off this roller coaster. I am tired. So very tired.
I made bad decisions yesterday. I took my 3-yearold daughter to a sale at Younkers and then to Toys R Us. I should have just gone to one of the stores. Man was I in pain. She fell asleep on the way home and when she woke up (instead of staying asleep for her 2 hour nap) I just couldn’t handle it. My body was screaming in pain. All I wanted to do was eat so I could take the pain meds and then get on my three heating pads. I snapped at her and at my wonderful man. He is so wonderful. He spent the day cleaning out our shed so that we could de-clutter our house all because the clutter is stressing me out. He did it for me and I was a real bitch to him.
I am just not used to this pain. I used to be accustomed to being in pain (physical) every day but I am out of practice. I believe God has given me a break from that pain as I have dealt with the emotional and mental pain of the depression. Anyway….since last Saturday my Fibromyalgia pain has been back with a vengeance. I am not used to it and I am crabby. It is so hard to be nice, loving and patient when you want to scream "ouch ouch ouch freaking ouch! I hurt!" I am so sorry Nate. Even though you don't read this I have still got to say I am sorry. You have put up with so much crap. So very very much. Why do you stay again?
I don’t want to treat you badly. I guess I just have to get used to being in pain again. Ugggggggggggg! I need a freaking break. I am so damn tired. I don’t want to give up but I just don’t want to continue like this.
I actually had a really great night last night. I went out with my friend Rebecca and I felt good. I felt quite a bit like me. Not totally me (cuz being in pain is really distracting) but I felt pretty good. My dear friend commented on how nice it was to see me doing so well. And then I came home. I walked into my messy-dirty house to a husband who I had treated so poorly earlier in the day. My illnesses wear on him. He pretends they don’t but they do. He stays strong for me but I know that he is tired and weary. It just made me so sad. It is all so sad.
And then I could not stop thinking about all the things that I need to do and that I need to change that I could NOT sleep. I was so frustrated. I was actually up until past 3 am. I just could not fall asleep. I could not settle myself down. Not until my wonderful husband rubbed my back. At 3 am when he had been asleep for hours, this lovely man woke himself up enough to rub my back so that I could relax and fall asleep. I am so blessed. So blessed. I am so sorry babe that I have been so awful. I am working on it. I want to be better.
So what kind of future do we have together? I desperately wanted another baby but I see that just slipping through my grasp. There is no way in my health that I can have another baby. I cannot even care for the darling daughter and husband that I already have in the way that I want to. So I suppose I will just put that on the shelf of former dreams that are just not a reality for me. That freaking shelf is getting awfully full. And what I hate the most……is that so many of Nate’s dreams and desires are on that shelf too. He can‘t work his dream job because we need good health insurance. So he is stuck in a job that he does not like (but is thankful for because so many people are without jobs) because of me and my need for good health insurance. He is doing it for me. And what do I do? I treat him like crap because I cannot handle feeling all the pain I feel. I snapped at him so much yesterday and even today.
Gosh I don’t like myself right now.
I hate to say (write) that out loud but it is true. I just don’t want to be me in my circumstances with my limitations and health issues anymore.
Yes tomorrow I will wake up and I will be Carly and I will start fresh. Each day is a gift from God and I will treat it like that but tonight……….oh tonight, I hurt….and I wish…………………………………..
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize the woman I see. I used to be different. I used to go on adventures, sky dive and live each moment to the fullest. Now I find myself wishing the painful days away. Time is slipping and passing me by and I am tired of it.
So how do I embrace life with the limitations I have? How do I grab life by the horns, dig in my heals and truly live when I feel so crappy? The ironic thing is that now I just want very simple things. I no longer hope to travel, explore, run, and do so much of what I had dreamed of. Now my desires are so simple. I simply want to be a good wife, mom, and servant of God. That’s it. That is all. I don’t think I am asking too much. I simply want be a lover of God and an excellent lover of my hubby and daughter.
Weird how around this time last night I was laughing at a movie, enjoying my friends company and now tonight I feel such despair. Tonight the tears flow freely as if I am watering an extremely thirsty plant or something.
My family and I were planning on going to Ohio to visit my husband’s family over Thanksgiving. Now Nate is suggesting that we stay home. He is worried he cannot be the husband I need him to be. He is concerned that I he cannot be the support that I need him to be while we are there. Frick! Am I really that needy? Ummmmm yup, I think I am. He never knows when I am going to fall apart and when I am going to need him to take over caring for our daughter. Man that must be a heavy burden to carry. I feel crappy about not going to Ohio. It is not fair to everyone else. I am tired of everything being about me. If it is not depression it is freaking Fibromyalgia pain or sleep problems. Sometimes I feel like they all would be better off without me. I know they would not but I still feel that way sometimes.
I have been having horrible nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares that are too terrible to even write about. I wake up upset, shaken and anxious. They FEEL so real. Thank God they are just dreams. I wish they would stop. I have enough crap that I am trying to wade through. I really don’t need horrifying images from my nightmares stuck in my head all day.
So where does all this crap leave me? Hopeful? I don’t know. I know that God is good. I know that God loves me. I know that God wants me to talk to him about all of this and to be truly honest about my hurt, frustration and anger. But I don’t know much else.
I know that tomorrow I will pull up my bootstraps and fight for a good day. I know that I am not giving up. But I also know that I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. So very tired. I know that I hurt physically and emotionally. I know that I feel like a bit of a failure today. I know that I need to be more self-disciplined but that for some reason I cannot muster up the energy to do so.
Ok…………………………………………………. God loves me. My family loves me. I guess that is all I need to think about right now. God is in control. Well I believe that he is. I don’t necessarily feel it right now but I do believe it. God is good. Yes. Life is good. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.
Maybe if I say it over and over again it will be true. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.
P.S. I am feeling a bit better now. It feels really good to have gotten all of those feelings and thoughts out.
I made bad decisions yesterday. I took my 3-yearold daughter to a sale at Younkers and then to Toys R Us. I should have just gone to one of the stores. Man was I in pain. She fell asleep on the way home and when she woke up (instead of staying asleep for her 2 hour nap) I just couldn’t handle it. My body was screaming in pain. All I wanted to do was eat so I could take the pain meds and then get on my three heating pads. I snapped at her and at my wonderful man. He is so wonderful. He spent the day cleaning out our shed so that we could de-clutter our house all because the clutter is stressing me out. He did it for me and I was a real bitch to him.
I am just not used to this pain. I used to be accustomed to being in pain (physical) every day but I am out of practice. I believe God has given me a break from that pain as I have dealt with the emotional and mental pain of the depression. Anyway….since last Saturday my Fibromyalgia pain has been back with a vengeance. I am not used to it and I am crabby. It is so hard to be nice, loving and patient when you want to scream "ouch ouch ouch freaking ouch! I hurt!" I am so sorry Nate. Even though you don't read this I have still got to say I am sorry. You have put up with so much crap. So very very much. Why do you stay again?
I don’t want to treat you badly. I guess I just have to get used to being in pain again. Ugggggggggggg! I need a freaking break. I am so damn tired. I don’t want to give up but I just don’t want to continue like this.
I actually had a really great night last night. I went out with my friend Rebecca and I felt good. I felt quite a bit like me. Not totally me (cuz being in pain is really distracting) but I felt pretty good. My dear friend commented on how nice it was to see me doing so well. And then I came home. I walked into my messy-dirty house to a husband who I had treated so poorly earlier in the day. My illnesses wear on him. He pretends they don’t but they do. He stays strong for me but I know that he is tired and weary. It just made me so sad. It is all so sad.
And then I could not stop thinking about all the things that I need to do and that I need to change that I could NOT sleep. I was so frustrated. I was actually up until past 3 am. I just could not fall asleep. I could not settle myself down. Not until my wonderful husband rubbed my back. At 3 am when he had been asleep for hours, this lovely man woke himself up enough to rub my back so that I could relax and fall asleep. I am so blessed. So blessed. I am so sorry babe that I have been so awful. I am working on it. I want to be better.
So what kind of future do we have together? I desperately wanted another baby but I see that just slipping through my grasp. There is no way in my health that I can have another baby. I cannot even care for the darling daughter and husband that I already have in the way that I want to. So I suppose I will just put that on the shelf of former dreams that are just not a reality for me. That freaking shelf is getting awfully full. And what I hate the most……is that so many of Nate’s dreams and desires are on that shelf too. He can‘t work his dream job because we need good health insurance. So he is stuck in a job that he does not like (but is thankful for because so many people are without jobs) because of me and my need for good health insurance. He is doing it for me. And what do I do? I treat him like crap because I cannot handle feeling all the pain I feel. I snapped at him so much yesterday and even today.
Gosh I don’t like myself right now.
I hate to say (write) that out loud but it is true. I just don’t want to be me in my circumstances with my limitations and health issues anymore.
Yes tomorrow I will wake up and I will be Carly and I will start fresh. Each day is a gift from God and I will treat it like that but tonight……….oh tonight, I hurt….and I wish…………………………………..
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize the woman I see. I used to be different. I used to go on adventures, sky dive and live each moment to the fullest. Now I find myself wishing the painful days away. Time is slipping and passing me by and I am tired of it.
So how do I embrace life with the limitations I have? How do I grab life by the horns, dig in my heals and truly live when I feel so crappy? The ironic thing is that now I just want very simple things. I no longer hope to travel, explore, run, and do so much of what I had dreamed of. Now my desires are so simple. I simply want to be a good wife, mom, and servant of God. That’s it. That is all. I don’t think I am asking too much. I simply want be a lover of God and an excellent lover of my hubby and daughter.
Weird how around this time last night I was laughing at a movie, enjoying my friends company and now tonight I feel such despair. Tonight the tears flow freely as if I am watering an extremely thirsty plant or something.
My family and I were planning on going to Ohio to visit my husband’s family over Thanksgiving. Now Nate is suggesting that we stay home. He is worried he cannot be the husband I need him to be. He is concerned that I he cannot be the support that I need him to be while we are there. Frick! Am I really that needy? Ummmmm yup, I think I am. He never knows when I am going to fall apart and when I am going to need him to take over caring for our daughter. Man that must be a heavy burden to carry. I feel crappy about not going to Ohio. It is not fair to everyone else. I am tired of everything being about me. If it is not depression it is freaking Fibromyalgia pain or sleep problems. Sometimes I feel like they all would be better off without me. I know they would not but I still feel that way sometimes.
I have been having horrible nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares that are too terrible to even write about. I wake up upset, shaken and anxious. They FEEL so real. Thank God they are just dreams. I wish they would stop. I have enough crap that I am trying to wade through. I really don’t need horrifying images from my nightmares stuck in my head all day.
So where does all this crap leave me? Hopeful? I don’t know. I know that God is good. I know that God loves me. I know that God wants me to talk to him about all of this and to be truly honest about my hurt, frustration and anger. But I don’t know much else.
I know that tomorrow I will pull up my bootstraps and fight for a good day. I know that I am not giving up. But I also know that I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. So very tired. I know that I hurt physically and emotionally. I know that I feel like a bit of a failure today. I know that I need to be more self-disciplined but that for some reason I cannot muster up the energy to do so.
Ok…………………………………………………. God loves me. My family loves me. I guess that is all I need to think about right now. God is in control. Well I believe that he is. I don’t necessarily feel it right now but I do believe it. God is good. Yes. Life is good. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.
Maybe if I say it over and over again it will be true. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.
P.S. I am feeling a bit better now. It feels really good to have gotten all of those feelings and thoughts out.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Keeping it Simple
I am really tired today. That has kind of bummed me out because V was with her grandparents and I wanted to get a lot done. I seem to be having a Fibromyalgia flare up. It has been a while since I have been in this much pain. It really takes a toll on me both mentally and physically. It is quite exhausting to try to function normally while in lots of pain. I ended up taking a 3.5 hour nap. My body really needed it but my ego really needed to cross a lot off my “to do” list. Oh well. I got a few things accomplished and that is so much better than nothing! And I spent some quality time with V when she came home which is what is the most important thing to me.
I want to talk for a moment to those of you who read this blog.
I appreciate you caring about me and wanting to follow how I am doing. Please know that what I write is often very raw. It is often unfiltered emotions that I am trying to process. Writing has been extremely therapeutic for me. I feel much better after I do it. If you have concerns about something I write you are welcome to ask me about it. However I will probably cry and not be able to express myself as well as I do when I write. I do not want any of my loved ones to worry excessively about me because they are reading this blog. Please know that your love and support is all that I need and expect from you.
Unfortunately this is not something anyone can fix for me. I wish you could. I wish I could. But it is not that simple. Depression is complicated and my case is extra complicated due to my Fibromyalgia and sleep problems. Please always know that I am fighting this battle and I am determined to win. I am not nor will I give up or give in. I may have a day or two where I feel defeated but I am in no way surrendering to this disease. Some days are so hard that I need to let go and stop fighting for that particular day. But just for the day. I always begin fighting again the following morning. Thanks waging this battle with me. I appreciate all of you.
I am not really looking forward to the Holidays. I am exhausted just thinking about them. The idea of shopping, wrapping, decorating, cleaning, socializing, traveling and writing Christmas cards is overwhelming to me. I just don’t feel like I have the energy for it all. Bahumbug!
I told Nate that I just wanted to fast forward through it all. Since I cannot do that I need to come up with an action plan. Hmmm….Simplify, Simplify, Simplify. Yes that will be my mantra through this season. I am going to do my best to focus on what these holidays are really all about and not try to do it all (what I feel obligated to do and what I feel others expect me to do).
Thanksgiving is about being thankful. I can do that. I love to focus on what I am grateful for.
Christmas is about the birth of Jesus.
Ok focus on that. We can make (or buy) a birthday cake for Jesus. We will go to church and read the Christmas story out of the Bible. I don’t have to put up lots of decorations to celebrate Jesus. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t send out Christmas cards this year (even though I really like to do this). I could send an email. I don’t need to get stressed out about buying people the perfect present because I never succeed at that anyway (I don’t mean to sound negative but seriously, no one ever buys everyone the perfect gift). It truly is the thought that counts. And I am not going to stress myself out by trying to stretch our budget by going to all of the crazy crowded overwhelming sales events. It is ok if each person gets one present instead of two.
Deep breath….in…..out…..in…..out…….I can do this. I can make the holidays simple. I can let Nate do the shopping even though he may not buy exactly what I want him to. I can let go of what other people and I expect the Holidays should look like.
The key to all of this will be for me to keep my eyes on God. If I let myself look around at what everyone else is doing I will fail. I cannot compare myself to those around me. Some people are Martha Stewart and I am not even when I am feeling my best! I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. I need to focus on what is best for my family. What is best for them is me being healthy and sane. They don’t need or want a crazy, emotional, depressed, unhealthy, “trying to keep up with the Jones” version of me.
So Christmas……Jesus was born and that is AMAZING! God’s son became a human being and came to live among us. AWESOME! This simple but truly awesome and amazing event is what Christmas is all about. Simple. Yes Simple. Say it again Carly…..simple. Keep things simple.
I want to talk for a moment to those of you who read this blog.
I appreciate you caring about me and wanting to follow how I am doing. Please know that what I write is often very raw. It is often unfiltered emotions that I am trying to process. Writing has been extremely therapeutic for me. I feel much better after I do it. If you have concerns about something I write you are welcome to ask me about it. However I will probably cry and not be able to express myself as well as I do when I write. I do not want any of my loved ones to worry excessively about me because they are reading this blog. Please know that your love and support is all that I need and expect from you.
Unfortunately this is not something anyone can fix for me. I wish you could. I wish I could. But it is not that simple. Depression is complicated and my case is extra complicated due to my Fibromyalgia and sleep problems. Please always know that I am fighting this battle and I am determined to win. I am not nor will I give up or give in. I may have a day or two where I feel defeated but I am in no way surrendering to this disease. Some days are so hard that I need to let go and stop fighting for that particular day. But just for the day. I always begin fighting again the following morning. Thanks waging this battle with me. I appreciate all of you.
I am not really looking forward to the Holidays. I am exhausted just thinking about them. The idea of shopping, wrapping, decorating, cleaning, socializing, traveling and writing Christmas cards is overwhelming to me. I just don’t feel like I have the energy for it all. Bahumbug!
I told Nate that I just wanted to fast forward through it all. Since I cannot do that I need to come up with an action plan. Hmmm….Simplify, Simplify, Simplify. Yes that will be my mantra through this season. I am going to do my best to focus on what these holidays are really all about and not try to do it all (what I feel obligated to do and what I feel others expect me to do).
Thanksgiving is about being thankful. I can do that. I love to focus on what I am grateful for.
Christmas is about the birth of Jesus.
Ok focus on that. We can make (or buy) a birthday cake for Jesus. We will go to church and read the Christmas story out of the Bible. I don’t have to put up lots of decorations to celebrate Jesus. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t send out Christmas cards this year (even though I really like to do this). I could send an email. I don’t need to get stressed out about buying people the perfect present because I never succeed at that anyway (I don’t mean to sound negative but seriously, no one ever buys everyone the perfect gift). It truly is the thought that counts. And I am not going to stress myself out by trying to stretch our budget by going to all of the crazy crowded overwhelming sales events. It is ok if each person gets one present instead of two.
Deep breath….in…..out…..in…..out…….I can do this. I can make the holidays simple. I can let Nate do the shopping even though he may not buy exactly what I want him to. I can let go of what other people and I expect the Holidays should look like.
The key to all of this will be for me to keep my eyes on God. If I let myself look around at what everyone else is doing I will fail. I cannot compare myself to those around me. Some people are Martha Stewart and I am not even when I am feeling my best! I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. I need to focus on what is best for my family. What is best for them is me being healthy and sane. They don’t need or want a crazy, emotional, depressed, unhealthy, “trying to keep up with the Jones” version of me.
So Christmas……Jesus was born and that is AMAZING! God’s son became a human being and came to live among us. AWESOME! This simple but truly awesome and amazing event is what Christmas is all about. Simple. Yes Simple. Say it again Carly…..simple. Keep things simple.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Into My Bones
Depression sucks. I feel it all the way into my bones. I want to be productive but I feel so blah. My body and mind just wants to go to bed. Yay for what I did accomplish today.
I Never Thought I Would Be...
Anxious. Overwhelmed. Stressed. I truly dislike those feelings. There is always so much to do and I can’t seem to get a handle on it. It does not help that some days I am to depressed to get much of anything done. Then the list just grows longer and longer. The house gets more and more dirty.
Yesterday I worked for about an hour in our basement clearing “stuff” away so that we can get our new furnace installed on Wednesday. After that ONE hour I was in so much pain (Fibromyalgia) that I suffered the rest of the day. The pain continued into the night and affected my sleep and is still looming around today. I just don’t feel set up to win. If it is not Depression it is Fibromyalgia. If it is not Fibro it is feeling overwhelmed. Then feeling overwhelmed leads to depression and the cycle just goes around and around again. Lack of sleeps makes Fibro and Depression worse. Depression makes sleep and Fibro worse and Fibro pain makes Depression and sleep worse. Yikes. I have got to break free from this cycle.
I am feeling very overwhelmed and stressed right now. The pain is mostly under control. I am ready to accomplish a few thing but I look around….and I want to cry. Where do I start? There is a mess everywhere. I have stopped making a “to do” list because it was so depressing. But now I feel like I am forgetting things that I need to get done. For example, I just now read the Preschool newsletter for November and realized that the fundraiser stuff is due in two days. Also there is a field trip in four days. I have an appointment the day of the field trip because I was not organized and did not know about the trip until today. This creates more anxiety. I have got to come up with some method to keep myself and my life more organized.
I have been thinking about the ways that people choose to escape the pain and stress of life lately. I see how people who are depressed turn to alcohol or drugs. It would be so nice to feel different. To feel better. Even now while I am so anxious it would be great to have a chill out pill. Depression hurts so much sometimes that the person dealing with it is desperate to feel anything else. Even if that means using addictive substances.
I am so blessed that I can’t stand the taste of most alcohol (plus it makes Fibro worse) and that I have no clue how to obtain illegal drugs. Because I have really wanted to use them. I have really wanted to feel something else, anything else other than the pain of depression.
I have turned to the legal somewhat socially acceptable escape, food. Food has been my drug. I eat when I am sad, anxious, overwhelmed, depressed, insecure, hopeless, feeling empty and most of all when I cannot sleep at night. Some people might think that turning to food is much better than turning to alcohol or drugs. It is safer, better for my health and less addictive right? Well not for me. Not anymore. I am totally addicted to food especially sweets. I like how being full feels, it feels satisfying. I like the high I get from the sugar. For a time, even though it is short, the sugar gives me more energy and I feel more alive. I need to lose at least 100 (125 if I want to weigh what I weighed at my wedding) pounds. 100 pounds is not small number and that much weight truly does affect my health. Obesity causes so many diseases. I need to get my weight down. I need to get my eating under control. But I am truly addicted. So now what?
I take medication that causes weight gain. One of the meds I am on right now causes an increased appetite especially for sweets. That is exactly what is says on the side effects list, increased appetite, especially for sweets. Great. I really don’t ne an increased appetite for chocolate, cookies, candy and ice cream. If I was a strong person I could just change my eating habits right? Sometimes I really feel that way. Then sometimes I give myself a break and remind myself that I am struggling with MAJOR Depression. Making it through each day is a challenge. I don’t need to add another stressor by trying to control my eating to. That sounds lazy, unmotivated and weak doesn’t it? I agree. But I can’t handle it all right now. It takes SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much willpower for me to watch what I eat. I just don’t have the energy for that kind of willpower right now. I know I need to but I just don’t. One thing at a time I suppose.
So I avoid looking in the mirror too much. I don’t want my picture taken and I try not to think about how huge I have become. But I do feel it. And I do see it. There is no denying that I have become obese. Obese. Probably morbidly obese. And that is something that I never imagined that I would be.
I used to be so fit and active. I have always loved sweets and loved eating but it was ok because I exercised on a regular basis. Then Fibromyalgia hit. Gradually I could not run, swim, hike, kick-box, or do Tae'bo like I used to. Now I get sore from walking. Oh well……I am not going to have a pity party. At least I can walk. Some people have had the gift of walking taken away from them.
Thank you God that my legs still work and that I can exercise through walking.
Well I need to get some stuff done. I am not sure where to start but I feel less anxious after writing.
Yesterday I worked for about an hour in our basement clearing “stuff” away so that we can get our new furnace installed on Wednesday. After that ONE hour I was in so much pain (Fibromyalgia) that I suffered the rest of the day. The pain continued into the night and affected my sleep and is still looming around today. I just don’t feel set up to win. If it is not Depression it is Fibromyalgia. If it is not Fibro it is feeling overwhelmed. Then feeling overwhelmed leads to depression and the cycle just goes around and around again. Lack of sleeps makes Fibro and Depression worse. Depression makes sleep and Fibro worse and Fibro pain makes Depression and sleep worse. Yikes. I have got to break free from this cycle.
I am feeling very overwhelmed and stressed right now. The pain is mostly under control. I am ready to accomplish a few thing but I look around….and I want to cry. Where do I start? There is a mess everywhere. I have stopped making a “to do” list because it was so depressing. But now I feel like I am forgetting things that I need to get done. For example, I just now read the Preschool newsletter for November and realized that the fundraiser stuff is due in two days. Also there is a field trip in four days. I have an appointment the day of the field trip because I was not organized and did not know about the trip until today. This creates more anxiety. I have got to come up with some method to keep myself and my life more organized.
I have been thinking about the ways that people choose to escape the pain and stress of life lately. I see how people who are depressed turn to alcohol or drugs. It would be so nice to feel different. To feel better. Even now while I am so anxious it would be great to have a chill out pill. Depression hurts so much sometimes that the person dealing with it is desperate to feel anything else. Even if that means using addictive substances.
I am so blessed that I can’t stand the taste of most alcohol (plus it makes Fibro worse) and that I have no clue how to obtain illegal drugs. Because I have really wanted to use them. I have really wanted to feel something else, anything else other than the pain of depression.
I have turned to the legal somewhat socially acceptable escape, food. Food has been my drug. I eat when I am sad, anxious, overwhelmed, depressed, insecure, hopeless, feeling empty and most of all when I cannot sleep at night. Some people might think that turning to food is much better than turning to alcohol or drugs. It is safer, better for my health and less addictive right? Well not for me. Not anymore. I am totally addicted to food especially sweets. I like how being full feels, it feels satisfying. I like the high I get from the sugar. For a time, even though it is short, the sugar gives me more energy and I feel more alive. I need to lose at least 100 (125 if I want to weigh what I weighed at my wedding) pounds. 100 pounds is not small number and that much weight truly does affect my health. Obesity causes so many diseases. I need to get my weight down. I need to get my eating under control. But I am truly addicted. So now what?
I take medication that causes weight gain. One of the meds I am on right now causes an increased appetite especially for sweets. That is exactly what is says on the side effects list, increased appetite, especially for sweets. Great. I really don’t ne an increased appetite for chocolate, cookies, candy and ice cream. If I was a strong person I could just change my eating habits right? Sometimes I really feel that way. Then sometimes I give myself a break and remind myself that I am struggling with MAJOR Depression. Making it through each day is a challenge. I don’t need to add another stressor by trying to control my eating to. That sounds lazy, unmotivated and weak doesn’t it? I agree. But I can’t handle it all right now. It takes SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much willpower for me to watch what I eat. I just don’t have the energy for that kind of willpower right now. I know I need to but I just don’t. One thing at a time I suppose.
So I avoid looking in the mirror too much. I don’t want my picture taken and I try not to think about how huge I have become. But I do feel it. And I do see it. There is no denying that I have become obese. Obese. Probably morbidly obese. And that is something that I never imagined that I would be.
I used to be so fit and active. I have always loved sweets and loved eating but it was ok because I exercised on a regular basis. Then Fibromyalgia hit. Gradually I could not run, swim, hike, kick-box, or do Tae'bo like I used to. Now I get sore from walking. Oh well……I am not going to have a pity party. At least I can walk. Some people have had the gift of walking taken away from them.
Thank you God that my legs still work and that I can exercise through walking.
Well I need to get some stuff done. I am not sure where to start but I feel less anxious after writing.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
New Day
Well today is a new day. My wonderful friend R is watching V so that I can rest, recuperate and try to get myself back together. I should rephrase that….allow God to put me back together. I am feeling a bit better today.
Thank you Kristina for your comment, it was encouraging. You are right a pro and con list is a good idea. It helps us see things more clearly. I am a fighter. That is why I will never go to that horrible place (suicide) even though I hurt so much at times that it seems like that is the only way for the pain to subside.
I have learned that if I can just make it through the moment, hour and day I will be ok. Joy does come in the morning. It is not always the jumping, singing, everything is great kind of joy but it is a slice of God’s goodness none the less. It is a bit of a new start. Today is a new day. I don't feel great. But I feel ok. I know God is with me. I feel like I can make it until tomorrow. And that is good. That is much better than yesterday. So even though I am not where I want to be at least I am not where I was. Thank you God.
Thank you Kristina for your comment, it was encouraging. You are right a pro and con list is a good idea. It helps us see things more clearly. I am a fighter. That is why I will never go to that horrible place (suicide) even though I hurt so much at times that it seems like that is the only way for the pain to subside.
I have learned that if I can just make it through the moment, hour and day I will be ok. Joy does come in the morning. It is not always the jumping, singing, everything is great kind of joy but it is a slice of God’s goodness none the less. It is a bit of a new start. Today is a new day. I don't feel great. But I feel ok. I know God is with me. I feel like I can make it until tomorrow. And that is good. That is much better than yesterday. So even though I am not where I want to be at least I am not where I was. Thank you God.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Ready to Wake Up
Today sucks. I feel crappy. I feel crappy and I don’t have the energy to fight anymore today. I would try to express how I feel but it hurts so much that I have chosen to feel numb. Now it is a dull hurt with an apathetic “I don’t feel like” or “want to” do anything tone.
I hurt so badly today and last night that I just wanted to die. Dying has been preferable to this pain. And I know I need to fight that feeling but I am just really tired. However, I could never hurt Nate, V and the rest of my family by causing myself to die. I hate to think that they might blame themselves or think that there was something they could have done.
That is the thing……we are all doing all we can do. I take my medicine(3 anti-depressants, an anti-anxiety and a sleeping med), I see my therapist, I make myself get out of bed……My family loves me and encourages me. What else can be done?
When will this end? I don’t have much fight left in me. NO I am not giving up but I sure feel like it.
I am sure it is hard for anyone reading this to understand why I would even think about wanting to die. It is hard for me to understand it. I just know that the pain is real. The pain is overwhelmingly real and I wish it would go away.
Is there more I can do to fight? Yes. There always is. But damn it I am freaking tired. I just want to go to bed and wake up from this nightmare.
So why am I depressed? Good question. I have an amazing daughter. My husband loves me unconditionally. My family loves me. I have some terrific friends who pray for me and help me. I have God who always loves me.
So what is my problem?
I don’t know.
Both yesterday and today I was crying so hard while I was driving that I had make myself pull over so that I would not hurt anyone else on the road.
I called my therapists office crying today. He sweetly fit me in over his lunch hour. He has given me his cell number and tells me to call him if I need to. I feel guilty calling him. I am not paying him to talk to me at 1:00 in the morning when I cannot sleep and I feel like crap.
I am tired of calling my friends crying. I don’t want to be that downer friend. You know the one who brings you down when you talk to them? I hate being that person. I don’t want to be the sad one. The crabby, negative, hurting, “it is never getting better” person.
So what should I do? Do I go back into the hospital? That just makes a mess of everything. We have to find childcare for V, it is hard on Nate and when I come home V doesn’t want to leave my side. She is afraid I am going to leave her again. And that just makes me feel crappy.
I could keep crying and I would eventually die of dehydration. Yes that is how much I have been crying.
I made myself take a walk today. It was sunny. Sun is good. I made myself sit in front of the sun lamp too. I am ready to reap the benefits.
Benefits??
Where are you?
I hate that my family is suffering because of this. Because of me. I hate that all (almost) all of our money goes to my medical care.
So let’s look at this rationally. A pro and con list.
If I died Nate and V would have a lot less stress and definitely more money. If I died people wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. I would not be a burden.
But….
If I died people would be sad. They would hurt and miss me. And I just can’t cause any more pain. I cause plenty already as it is.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. I seem to have 1 ok day for every 1 or two bad ones. I have had two very bad ones. So I am due for an ok day tomorrow.
I think I am overdue for being ALL better.
Can I wake up yet?
I hurt so badly today and last night that I just wanted to die. Dying has been preferable to this pain. And I know I need to fight that feeling but I am just really tired. However, I could never hurt Nate, V and the rest of my family by causing myself to die. I hate to think that they might blame themselves or think that there was something they could have done.
That is the thing……we are all doing all we can do. I take my medicine(3 anti-depressants, an anti-anxiety and a sleeping med), I see my therapist, I make myself get out of bed……My family loves me and encourages me. What else can be done?
When will this end? I don’t have much fight left in me. NO I am not giving up but I sure feel like it.
I am sure it is hard for anyone reading this to understand why I would even think about wanting to die. It is hard for me to understand it. I just know that the pain is real. The pain is overwhelmingly real and I wish it would go away.
Is there more I can do to fight? Yes. There always is. But damn it I am freaking tired. I just want to go to bed and wake up from this nightmare.
So why am I depressed? Good question. I have an amazing daughter. My husband loves me unconditionally. My family loves me. I have some terrific friends who pray for me and help me. I have God who always loves me.
So what is my problem?
I don’t know.
Both yesterday and today I was crying so hard while I was driving that I had make myself pull over so that I would not hurt anyone else on the road.
I called my therapists office crying today. He sweetly fit me in over his lunch hour. He has given me his cell number and tells me to call him if I need to. I feel guilty calling him. I am not paying him to talk to me at 1:00 in the morning when I cannot sleep and I feel like crap.
I am tired of calling my friends crying. I don’t want to be that downer friend. You know the one who brings you down when you talk to them? I hate being that person. I don’t want to be the sad one. The crabby, negative, hurting, “it is never getting better” person.
So what should I do? Do I go back into the hospital? That just makes a mess of everything. We have to find childcare for V, it is hard on Nate and when I come home V doesn’t want to leave my side. She is afraid I am going to leave her again. And that just makes me feel crappy.
I could keep crying and I would eventually die of dehydration. Yes that is how much I have been crying.
I made myself take a walk today. It was sunny. Sun is good. I made myself sit in front of the sun lamp too. I am ready to reap the benefits.
Benefits??
Where are you?
I hate that my family is suffering because of this. Because of me. I hate that all (almost) all of our money goes to my medical care.
So let’s look at this rationally. A pro and con list.
If I died Nate and V would have a lot less stress and definitely more money. If I died people wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. I would not be a burden.
But….
If I died people would be sad. They would hurt and miss me. And I just can’t cause any more pain. I cause plenty already as it is.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. I seem to have 1 ok day for every 1 or two bad ones. I have had two very bad ones. So I am due for an ok day tomorrow.
I think I am overdue for being ALL better.
Can I wake up yet?
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Focusing on the Good
Today has been really rough. In fact it has pretty much sucked. So I think it is time for a happy list.
Happy List
I am so grateful for…..
1. Getting to visit my sister and fabulous friend last weekend
2. Praying friends
3. Loving and encouraging friends and family
4. Fall in Michigan
5. Days without pain
6. My kind doctor who is doing everything he can to help
7. My daughter’s laughter
8. My loving, loyal and steadfast husband
9. The nights I get good sleep
10. The pretty leaves
11. That I am going to have a new niece or nephew
12. The rainbow after the rain
13. Health insurance
14. My new purple shoes
15. Getting to see an old (good) friend tomorrow
Happy List
I am so grateful for…..
1. Getting to visit my sister and fabulous friend last weekend
2. Praying friends
3. Loving and encouraging friends and family
4. Fall in Michigan
5. Days without pain
6. My kind doctor who is doing everything he can to help
7. My daughter’s laughter
8. My loving, loyal and steadfast husband
9. The nights I get good sleep
10. The pretty leaves
11. That I am going to have a new niece or nephew
12. The rainbow after the rain
13. Health insurance
14. My new purple shoes
15. Getting to see an old (good) friend tomorrow
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Still Tired
My heart is heavy and sad. I feel overwhelmed. Why do I have such a hard time being strong, energetic, stable, consistent and healthy?
Being a mom is a challenging job. I don’t expect to be perfect but I do want to be great. I want to protect my little girl’s mind and heart from all the bad things in the world until she is old enough to take them on with confidence. I want to raise her to be polite, KIND, considerate, gracious, CONFIDENT, full of hope and full of the knowledge that God loves her more than she could ever imagine.
I am tired.
I am tired of still struggling with depression. I am tired of STILL struggling to be stable, calm, patient, confident and strong. I am tired of being tired and having no energy. I don’t understand why I can’t just keep “it” together. I am so tired. And I just had a wonderful weekend away with my sister and fabulous friend. So why am I so tired?
I have been doing better lately. But not better enough. I am still in need of so much help and healing. I feel so weak. Why can’t I just pull myself together once and for all?
I hurt. I ache. I am sad and overwhelmed.
I want to have standards for how I raise my daughter. I do have some standards. But often times I am so tired that I compromise.
I don’t want to be a burden.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
My psychiatrist took me off one of my antidepressants (Paxil) because of the side effects. It was causing anxiety, libido and urinary issues. It has also been making it extremely hard for me to fall asleep at night. Maybe that is why I am so tired. Anyway I was torn about going off the medicine because I have been doing a lot better as far as depression goes.
I was visiting my sister and she shared her concern for me going off it as well. She has noticed a big difference in me the past couple of weeks. And now here I am crying and feeling overwhelmed.
Granted when I was with her this weekend I had no stress and no responsibilities. I was on vacation. I could do whatever I wanted, sleep in and focus on having fun. Now I am home. I have an extremely messy house to try to clean up, thank you notes to write, meals to make and self care stuff (journaling, praying, exercising, relaxation, cognitive exercises and reading my Bible) to do. I have social commitments to meet, family to see and a husband to love and support. I also have a daughter who has a bit of an attitude problem. She is into being defiant and argumentative with her father and me. Don’t get me wrong, she is sweet, fun and is almost always delightful for other people. She is just extremely into challenging us. It takes so much energy to be consistent and not put up with disrespectful and unacceptable behavior. I feel tired and inadequate most of the time.
So is the medicine change the problem? Am I the problem? I hate this damn problem.
I just went into my daughter’s room to sing her some songs as I rubbed her back. I sang her the song All In ALL.
The first verse and chorus are as follows:
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup
You are my all in all
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name
“I feel weak God. Will you please be my strength?” I believe that God’s name is worthy of being praised. I believe he has a plan for me. I just don’t understand this damn depression.
I definitely think that there are some things in life that we just won’t understand. God created the heavens and the earth, his mind is much larger than mine. I often cannot see the big picture and he can.
“But God I am tired. I do need you. I do need your strength because I am feeling very weak. I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I don’t know how to do everything that needs to get done. I have shortened my “to do” list to the bare minimum and I still cannot handle it all. Please help me. Please give me wisdom. Please give me energy. Please make the hurt stop. Please be with me right now as I am crying. Please oh Lord, please…..”
I went to my mom group this morning. The women in my group are amazing. They love me, love God and love being moms. We are all in agreement that parenting is a really really challenging task.
I know that many people would say that I need to relax and that I am doing a fine job raising V. That she is ok. The problem is that I don’t want to do just a fine job. I want to do an excellent job. I have chosen to be a mommy as my full time job (all moms are full time I have just chosen to make it my day job too). And this depression is really getting in the way of my desire to be a great mom. It would be getting in the way of me being an insurance agent too if that were my day job. It is causing problems in all areas of my life. I hate it. I want it gone. Arggg now I am getting frustrated.
Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. I can start over again.
Thank you to all of you who have listened to me ramble. I am sad tonight. But God is still good. Tomorrow is another day. Thank God!
Being a mom is a challenging job. I don’t expect to be perfect but I do want to be great. I want to protect my little girl’s mind and heart from all the bad things in the world until she is old enough to take them on with confidence. I want to raise her to be polite, KIND, considerate, gracious, CONFIDENT, full of hope and full of the knowledge that God loves her more than she could ever imagine.
I am tired.
I am tired of still struggling with depression. I am tired of STILL struggling to be stable, calm, patient, confident and strong. I am tired of being tired and having no energy. I don’t understand why I can’t just keep “it” together. I am so tired. And I just had a wonderful weekend away with my sister and fabulous friend. So why am I so tired?
I have been doing better lately. But not better enough. I am still in need of so much help and healing. I feel so weak. Why can’t I just pull myself together once and for all?
I hurt. I ache. I am sad and overwhelmed.
I want to have standards for how I raise my daughter. I do have some standards. But often times I am so tired that I compromise.
I don’t want to be a burden.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
My psychiatrist took me off one of my antidepressants (Paxil) because of the side effects. It was causing anxiety, libido and urinary issues. It has also been making it extremely hard for me to fall asleep at night. Maybe that is why I am so tired. Anyway I was torn about going off the medicine because I have been doing a lot better as far as depression goes.
I was visiting my sister and she shared her concern for me going off it as well. She has noticed a big difference in me the past couple of weeks. And now here I am crying and feeling overwhelmed.
Granted when I was with her this weekend I had no stress and no responsibilities. I was on vacation. I could do whatever I wanted, sleep in and focus on having fun. Now I am home. I have an extremely messy house to try to clean up, thank you notes to write, meals to make and self care stuff (journaling, praying, exercising, relaxation, cognitive exercises and reading my Bible) to do. I have social commitments to meet, family to see and a husband to love and support. I also have a daughter who has a bit of an attitude problem. She is into being defiant and argumentative with her father and me. Don’t get me wrong, she is sweet, fun and is almost always delightful for other people. She is just extremely into challenging us. It takes so much energy to be consistent and not put up with disrespectful and unacceptable behavior. I feel tired and inadequate most of the time.
So is the medicine change the problem? Am I the problem? I hate this damn problem.
I just went into my daughter’s room to sing her some songs as I rubbed her back. I sang her the song All In ALL.
The first verse and chorus are as follows:
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup
You are my all in all
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name
“I feel weak God. Will you please be my strength?” I believe that God’s name is worthy of being praised. I believe he has a plan for me. I just don’t understand this damn depression.
I definitely think that there are some things in life that we just won’t understand. God created the heavens and the earth, his mind is much larger than mine. I often cannot see the big picture and he can.
“But God I am tired. I do need you. I do need your strength because I am feeling very weak. I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I don’t know how to do everything that needs to get done. I have shortened my “to do” list to the bare minimum and I still cannot handle it all. Please help me. Please give me wisdom. Please give me energy. Please make the hurt stop. Please be with me right now as I am crying. Please oh Lord, please…..”
I went to my mom group this morning. The women in my group are amazing. They love me, love God and love being moms. We are all in agreement that parenting is a really really challenging task.
I know that many people would say that I need to relax and that I am doing a fine job raising V. That she is ok. The problem is that I don’t want to do just a fine job. I want to do an excellent job. I have chosen to be a mommy as my full time job (all moms are full time I have just chosen to make it my day job too). And this depression is really getting in the way of my desire to be a great mom. It would be getting in the way of me being an insurance agent too if that were my day job. It is causing problems in all areas of my life. I hate it. I want it gone. Arggg now I am getting frustrated.
Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. I can start over again.
Thank you to all of you who have listened to me ramble. I am sad tonight. But God is still good. Tomorrow is another day. Thank God!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Coffee Talk
This week is flying by. I have been like a roller coaster. Up –down-and-all-around.
I was feeling very depressed yesterday. I could not muster up the energy to go see my therapist. Probably a very bad move but I just could not do it.
Later in the evening I wanted to cancel my plans with my childhood friend D who I had not seen in at least a year. I wanted to see her but the depression was clouding my judgment. Luckily my hubby talked me into going.
We had fabulous coffee talk. It was so good to catch up and laugh! Laughter truly is the best medicine. I love to laugh. I miss it so much when I am depressed.
D has moved back to the area and I am delighted. I am excited to spend time with her and her beautiful girls. It is funny how life is like a circle. We have known each other since she was 8 and I was 9. Now at almost 33 and 34 (our birthdays are 4 days apart this month) we are in the same place at the same time. This friend and I went to camp together and I am thinking of a camp song.
All My Life’s a Circle
CHORUS:
All my life’s a circle, sunrise and sundown
Moon rolls through the night time,
Til the day break comes around.
All my life’s a circle. I can’t tell you why.
Seasons spinning round again,
The years keep rolling by.
Seems like I’ve been here before,
Can’t remember when.
I’ve got this funny feeling
That we’ll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life.
All the roads have bends.
There’s no clear cut beginning,
And so far no dead ends.
I’ve found you a thousand times,
Guess you’ve done the same.
Then we lose each other;
It’s just like a children’s game.
As I find you here again,
A thought runs through my mind.
Our love is like a circle;
Let’s go round one more time.
Ahhh sweet Camp Newaygo memories, they always make me smile. It is funny how we thought our lives were complicated back then but they were really very simple and glorious. We used to talk about the “real world” verses the camp bubble. It was a bubble in many ways but we also learned so many irreplaceable life lessons. It was my safe haven for many years.
Anyway….back to seeing D again, we met for coffee and had a glorious time catching up and laughing. I cried as I shared about my struggle with depression but let’s face it, crying is nothing new for me. She listened and loved on me. We have actually known each other for 15 years. She is one of my oldest friends. Thank you so much D for the laughter, love and fun memories. I am looking forward to many new wonderful memories with you.
I enjoyed my daughter today. That is truly a victory. There have been so many days when I have not enjoyed anything. I am so grateful that I am feeling a bit better. It feels wonderful to feel. It feels wonderful to feel good and experience enjoyment.
I did not get anything done around the house today (except two loads of laundry) but I enjoyed V. I think that is definitely a good (victorious) day.
I was feeling very depressed yesterday. I could not muster up the energy to go see my therapist. Probably a very bad move but I just could not do it.
Later in the evening I wanted to cancel my plans with my childhood friend D who I had not seen in at least a year. I wanted to see her but the depression was clouding my judgment. Luckily my hubby talked me into going.
We had fabulous coffee talk. It was so good to catch up and laugh! Laughter truly is the best medicine. I love to laugh. I miss it so much when I am depressed.
D has moved back to the area and I am delighted. I am excited to spend time with her and her beautiful girls. It is funny how life is like a circle. We have known each other since she was 8 and I was 9. Now at almost 33 and 34 (our birthdays are 4 days apart this month) we are in the same place at the same time. This friend and I went to camp together and I am thinking of a camp song.
All My Life’s a Circle
CHORUS:
All my life’s a circle, sunrise and sundown
Moon rolls through the night time,
Til the day break comes around.
All my life’s a circle. I can’t tell you why.
Seasons spinning round again,
The years keep rolling by.
Seems like I’ve been here before,
Can’t remember when.
I’ve got this funny feeling
That we’ll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life.
All the roads have bends.
There’s no clear cut beginning,
And so far no dead ends.
I’ve found you a thousand times,
Guess you’ve done the same.
Then we lose each other;
It’s just like a children’s game.
As I find you here again,
A thought runs through my mind.
Our love is like a circle;
Let’s go round one more time.
Ahhh sweet Camp Newaygo memories, they always make me smile. It is funny how we thought our lives were complicated back then but they were really very simple and glorious. We used to talk about the “real world” verses the camp bubble. It was a bubble in many ways but we also learned so many irreplaceable life lessons. It was my safe haven for many years.
Anyway….back to seeing D again, we met for coffee and had a glorious time catching up and laughing. I cried as I shared about my struggle with depression but let’s face it, crying is nothing new for me. She listened and loved on me. We have actually known each other for 15 years. She is one of my oldest friends. Thank you so much D for the laughter, love and fun memories. I am looking forward to many new wonderful memories with you.
I enjoyed my daughter today. That is truly a victory. There have been so many days when I have not enjoyed anything. I am so grateful that I am feeling a bit better. It feels wonderful to feel. It feels wonderful to feel good and experience enjoyment.
I did not get anything done around the house today (except two loads of laundry) but I enjoyed V. I think that is definitely a good (victorious) day.
Friday, October 8, 2010
I Believe
I have been singing to my daughter at night when she has trouble falling asleep. First I sing her I See the Moon from Camp Newaygo and second, Barges also from Camp Newaygo. The third song that I go to is a song that I learned in High School at a retreat called Happening. The words have speaking to my hear as I have been singing them. The words are as follows:
I believe in Jesus
I believe He is the Son of God
I believe He died and rose again
And He’s coming back to take us home
And I believe that He is here now
Standing in our midst
With the power to heal now
And the Grace to forgive
I have been thinking to myself how this is a beautiful simple proclamation of my faith. This is what I believe. I often get stuck on the words “with the power to heal now.” God does have the power to heal me. And I believe he is healing me it just happens to be in his timeline rather than mine.
I believe that God has the power to heal me completely right now. This very second. Why he doesn’t, I am not sure. But I do know that God has a plan for my life. I know that he is good and that he loves me more than I can possibly imagine. I believe in Jesus. I believe he is the son of God. I believe he died and rose again and he’s coming back to take us home. And I believe that he’s here now standing in our midst with the power to heal now and the grace to forgive. Thank you Jesus for you love, forgiveness, presence, and healing power.
I believe in Jesus
I believe He is the Son of God
I believe He died and rose again
And He’s coming back to take us home
And I believe that He is here now
Standing in our midst
With the power to heal now
And the Grace to forgive
I have been thinking to myself how this is a beautiful simple proclamation of my faith. This is what I believe. I often get stuck on the words “with the power to heal now.” God does have the power to heal me. And I believe he is healing me it just happens to be in his timeline rather than mine.
I believe that God has the power to heal me completely right now. This very second. Why he doesn’t, I am not sure. But I do know that God has a plan for my life. I know that he is good and that he loves me more than I can possibly imagine. I believe in Jesus. I believe he is the son of God. I believe he died and rose again and he’s coming back to take us home. And I believe that he’s here now standing in our midst with the power to heal now and the grace to forgive. Thank you Jesus for you love, forgiveness, presence, and healing power.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
The Storm Part II
Arrgg the depression storm rages on. But I have been seeing some calmer weather lately.
I was thinking on the way home from my therapy appointment about how truly blessed I am to have the friendships that I do. I was thinking about how I have not had energy to take care of or bless anyone else lately. Depression is selfish. I am very selfish when I am depressed. I was thinking about how much my depression has affected my family (Nate, V, parents, etc…). And then my thoughts drifted to my friends. I know that I have not been a great friend lately but I don’t feel like a bad one either.
I realized how very blessed I am to have friends who truly love me for who I am. They have not put expectations on me. They love me right now while I am not easy to love even though I have nothing to offer them in return. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends. I do not know what I would have done without you. There have been times that I have felt burdensome but you have reminded me that I am not a burden to you. Thank you. I must say it again, thank you. I have tears in my eyes but they are happy tears, tears of blessing and joy. I feel so very grateful that I have not destroyed any friendships during this dreadful time in my life. Granted I have not nurtured many of my relationships but I have not damaged them too much either. I am looking forward to being healthy so that I can bless the socks off all of you fabulous friends. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me.
Back to my family and how they have weathered this storm. To my parents, step-parents and sister, I cannot imagine how difficult it has been for you to see me like this. I know that my heart would break if I saw V suffering the way that I have been. My heart would break. I would ache and want to do anything and everything I could do to fix it. Thank you for hurting along with me and loving me through this. I know that it is hard for you to not be able to fix it but I hope that you are encouraged by the fact that I will never give up. I will never ever give up fighting for my health, peace and joy. Depression is a battle I am determined to win.
To my wonderful hubby…thank you, a million times thank you. You have loved, encouraged, and helped me so much during this long and brutal battle. You too have wanted to fix it. And I know that it has broken your heart to not be able to fix “it” (my depression). Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your constant love and support. I love you so very much. I don’t just love you but I am in love with you. We are strong as a couple and so very committed. I am so thankful that we have had each other for the past almost 10 years.
Well I have deviated from my subject some. I had been talking about all the damage the depression storm has caused. Damage that I wish I could change but I cannot. Damage that I admit responsibility for but am desperately trying not to feel guilty about.
My poor sweet adorable daughter has suffered. She has missed her Mommy. Life has been unstable and toddlers thrive in stability and routine. She is very clingy right now and frequently wants cuddles. She will look up at me with her big brown eyes, with a partial pout on her face and say “Cuddles? I need cuddles.” She does the same to her daddy. She is very smart so she has also learned to manipulate us with the request for cuddles. She also frequently says to me, “I miss you Mommy.” Man has she learned that saying that gets my attention. It just pulls at my heart strings and I feel regret for all the time that I have been away from her lately. She wants to stay home pretty much all the time. She simply wants to be home with me and not off with other people. She has been able to be home more lately but I am still not well enough to care for her full time. I am sorry baby. I regret that I have not been able to be there for you as much as I would have liked to over this past year. I love you so much. I won’t stop fighting. Your Mommy is fighter and you are especially worth fighting for.
I had originally mentioned that my house, social life and dog have also suffered from this storm. I think they will recover. It is not the end of the world if my house is a mess. I really want to get it cleaned up because life is much more peaceful when the space you live in is not chaotic and messy. I am realizing that it is not going to happen overnight. I want it clean NOW but I will have to settle for a little bit at a time. I keep telling myself that a little less mess is better than no improvement at all. It is still hard to accept. I want what I want and I want it now. Wow that certainly sounded selfish.
As for my social life and dog they will recover also. As the storm rages on hopefully it will become less threatening and more docile. It takes time to heal. But I am confident that healing will come. Thank you Lord for helping me through this storm.
Happy List for 10-7-10
I am so thankful for…..
441. The beautiful fall day we had today
442. My new hair cut
443. Our freshly vacuumed floor
444. Good friends, R and M, coming over tomorrow (Yay swing set, lunch outside, tricycle riding and good conversation for me.
445. The surprise blessing that I got from my friend J yesterday. Her kindness and sincerity touched my aching heart.
446. J’s willingness to help however she can
447. Not needing crutches or knee scooter anymore.
448. My ankle is almost being better. Just a couple of more weeks in the air cast.
449. Visiting my sister and fabulous friend Meg in Colorado in 14 days
450. Getting to see my beloved friend Bethany from college in 10 days (She lives far away but will be visiting Michigan next week.)
451. God is always being with me
452. Emily making me laugh yesterday
453. My sunshine Sandi who I got to talk to yesterday
454. V’s room is picked up (not organized but picked up)
455. My clean clothes are hanging in the closet
456. The yummy rice we had for dinner (thanks for cooking Nate)
457. The fact that “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” –Philippians 4:13
458. That I am feeling a bit better
459. The fact that I can be “strong in the Lord and in his mighty power” –Ephesians 6:10
460. Yummy ice cream
461. A restful night of sleep last night
462. The wise words I got from my friend K yesterday
463. Hope
I was thinking on the way home from my therapy appointment about how truly blessed I am to have the friendships that I do. I was thinking about how I have not had energy to take care of or bless anyone else lately. Depression is selfish. I am very selfish when I am depressed. I was thinking about how much my depression has affected my family (Nate, V, parents, etc…). And then my thoughts drifted to my friends. I know that I have not been a great friend lately but I don’t feel like a bad one either.
I realized how very blessed I am to have friends who truly love me for who I am. They have not put expectations on me. They love me right now while I am not easy to love even though I have nothing to offer them in return. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends. I do not know what I would have done without you. There have been times that I have felt burdensome but you have reminded me that I am not a burden to you. Thank you. I must say it again, thank you. I have tears in my eyes but they are happy tears, tears of blessing and joy. I feel so very grateful that I have not destroyed any friendships during this dreadful time in my life. Granted I have not nurtured many of my relationships but I have not damaged them too much either. I am looking forward to being healthy so that I can bless the socks off all of you fabulous friends. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me.
Back to my family and how they have weathered this storm. To my parents, step-parents and sister, I cannot imagine how difficult it has been for you to see me like this. I know that my heart would break if I saw V suffering the way that I have been. My heart would break. I would ache and want to do anything and everything I could do to fix it. Thank you for hurting along with me and loving me through this. I know that it is hard for you to not be able to fix it but I hope that you are encouraged by the fact that I will never give up. I will never ever give up fighting for my health, peace and joy. Depression is a battle I am determined to win.
To my wonderful hubby…thank you, a million times thank you. You have loved, encouraged, and helped me so much during this long and brutal battle. You too have wanted to fix it. And I know that it has broken your heart to not be able to fix “it” (my depression). Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your constant love and support. I love you so very much. I don’t just love you but I am in love with you. We are strong as a couple and so very committed. I am so thankful that we have had each other for the past almost 10 years.
Well I have deviated from my subject some. I had been talking about all the damage the depression storm has caused. Damage that I wish I could change but I cannot. Damage that I admit responsibility for but am desperately trying not to feel guilty about.
My poor sweet adorable daughter has suffered. She has missed her Mommy. Life has been unstable and toddlers thrive in stability and routine. She is very clingy right now and frequently wants cuddles. She will look up at me with her big brown eyes, with a partial pout on her face and say “Cuddles? I need cuddles.” She does the same to her daddy. She is very smart so she has also learned to manipulate us with the request for cuddles. She also frequently says to me, “I miss you Mommy.” Man has she learned that saying that gets my attention. It just pulls at my heart strings and I feel regret for all the time that I have been away from her lately. She wants to stay home pretty much all the time. She simply wants to be home with me and not off with other people. She has been able to be home more lately but I am still not well enough to care for her full time. I am sorry baby. I regret that I have not been able to be there for you as much as I would have liked to over this past year. I love you so much. I won’t stop fighting. Your Mommy is fighter and you are especially worth fighting for.
I had originally mentioned that my house, social life and dog have also suffered from this storm. I think they will recover. It is not the end of the world if my house is a mess. I really want to get it cleaned up because life is much more peaceful when the space you live in is not chaotic and messy. I am realizing that it is not going to happen overnight. I want it clean NOW but I will have to settle for a little bit at a time. I keep telling myself that a little less mess is better than no improvement at all. It is still hard to accept. I want what I want and I want it now. Wow that certainly sounded selfish.
As for my social life and dog they will recover also. As the storm rages on hopefully it will become less threatening and more docile. It takes time to heal. But I am confident that healing will come. Thank you Lord for helping me through this storm.
Happy List for 10-7-10
I am so thankful for…..
441. The beautiful fall day we had today
442. My new hair cut
443. Our freshly vacuumed floor
444. Good friends, R and M, coming over tomorrow (Yay swing set, lunch outside, tricycle riding and good conversation for me.
445. The surprise blessing that I got from my friend J yesterday. Her kindness and sincerity touched my aching heart.
446. J’s willingness to help however she can
447. Not needing crutches or knee scooter anymore.
448. My ankle is almost being better. Just a couple of more weeks in the air cast.
449. Visiting my sister and fabulous friend Meg in Colorado in 14 days
450. Getting to see my beloved friend Bethany from college in 10 days (She lives far away but will be visiting Michigan next week.)
451. God is always being with me
452. Emily making me laugh yesterday
453. My sunshine Sandi who I got to talk to yesterday
454. V’s room is picked up (not organized but picked up)
455. My clean clothes are hanging in the closet
456. The yummy rice we had for dinner (thanks for cooking Nate)
457. The fact that “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” –Philippians 4:13
458. That I am feeling a bit better
459. The fact that I can be “strong in the Lord and in his mighty power” –Ephesians 6:10
460. Yummy ice cream
461. A restful night of sleep last night
462. The wise words I got from my friend K yesterday
463. Hope
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The Storm
10-1-10
I can’t believe it is October. I can’t believe I turn 34 in twenty days. Where has my life gone? There were so many things I wanted to do. And then I got sick and depressed. Now I will be thrilled with simply not being depressed. I would be content simply serving God and my family. I don’t need any exciting adventures. I just want to be healthy and have enough energy to enjoy my family. I would really like to have another baby but I am not holding my breath. I need to be stable and healthy first and foremost.
It does not help that my daughter keeps talking about when we have a baby how she will be the big sister and we will do this and that. I am not ready to let go of the dream of having another baby but I am not holding on too tight either.
I was thinking the other day how this depression has been like a huge destructive storm. Now I have to work through the wreckage and try to repair all the damage that was done. My marriage, husband, daughter, family, friends, house, social life, dog, and more have all suffered from this storm. My husband loves me but he often does not know what to expect.
I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired. I need to go take a nap. Hopefully I will have time to do this later.
10-2-10
I am back. So back to the destructive depression storm, it has really done a number on my marriage. As I was saying above Nate does not know what to expect. As he drives home from work he is probably thinking about what he should expect. Is his wife depressed, anxious, stressed out, irritable, happy, stable, ready to explode etc…? That is tough on a person. It is difficult to live in the midst of instability and chaos. Nate has shut down in many areas of our marriage. Talking to me about his thoughts and feelings is not always safe. He is not sure if I will react rationally and maturely or if I will be self focused, defensive and insecure. Man I hate what depression does to me. I have worked so hard to draw Nate out of his old ways of not sharing feelings and then I go and get depressed forcing him back into his shell.
The wreckage of our marriage continues. When I am depressed I am focused on myself. I am simply trying to hold on and survive the day. So I have certainly not been filing Nate’s love tank very much. Many of his needs have been pushed aside. We have been using all of our energy to get me healthy that his health has suffered. A person can only take an irritable partner for so long before they start taking it personally. Even though it is not personal eventually Nate starts to get his feelings hurt. I don’t blame him. And then there is the terrible part where he has to watch me suffer (and cry A LOT) and he is not able to do anything to fix it. We as humans hate to watch those we love suffer. It especially hard to watch someone you see every day suffer so much day after day. He wants to fix it but he can’t and that can make him feel like a failure as a husband. He knows that he is not a failure but those feelings still come up sometimes.
There is a lot more that I could say about how depression has reeked havoc on my marriage but that is all I have energy for right now. It makes me sad. I am sad that we have so much repair work to do. But I am so so so grateful that I have a loving, committed, strong, loyal, faithful, patient husband who truly loves me and is in no way going to give up on me.
I am really tired lately. I think I am fighting a cold but mostly I think my body and mind are tired of this battle with depression. I could probably go to bed now and it is only 7:52 pm. It would not be the kind of depressed I need to escape my life sleep, rather true blue I am so tired and my body needs to get good rest kind of sleep. I even took a nap today.
Happy/Gratitude List
I am so thankful…
427. For laughing with V this morning
428. For V’s singing
429. For singing Camp Newaygo songs with V
430. That I am going to be going to Colorado to visit my sister and treasured friend in 19 days.
431. That my hubby still thinks I am sexy
432. That it is fall. I love fall.
433. That my daughter LOVES to cuddle. I love to cuddle too.
434. For laughter in general
435. For chick flicks
436. For my warm snugly bed
437. For yummy waffles
438. For the silly dancing my daughter and I do together
439. For facebook
440. My wonderful friends
I realize that many of the things on my list are repeats of things I have said before but it is still fun to keep a running tab off all the things that I am and have been thankful for.
I can’t believe it is October. I can’t believe I turn 34 in twenty days. Where has my life gone? There were so many things I wanted to do. And then I got sick and depressed. Now I will be thrilled with simply not being depressed. I would be content simply serving God and my family. I don’t need any exciting adventures. I just want to be healthy and have enough energy to enjoy my family. I would really like to have another baby but I am not holding my breath. I need to be stable and healthy first and foremost.
It does not help that my daughter keeps talking about when we have a baby how she will be the big sister and we will do this and that. I am not ready to let go of the dream of having another baby but I am not holding on too tight either.
I was thinking the other day how this depression has been like a huge destructive storm. Now I have to work through the wreckage and try to repair all the damage that was done. My marriage, husband, daughter, family, friends, house, social life, dog, and more have all suffered from this storm. My husband loves me but he often does not know what to expect.
I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired. I need to go take a nap. Hopefully I will have time to do this later.
10-2-10
I am back. So back to the destructive depression storm, it has really done a number on my marriage. As I was saying above Nate does not know what to expect. As he drives home from work he is probably thinking about what he should expect. Is his wife depressed, anxious, stressed out, irritable, happy, stable, ready to explode etc…? That is tough on a person. It is difficult to live in the midst of instability and chaos. Nate has shut down in many areas of our marriage. Talking to me about his thoughts and feelings is not always safe. He is not sure if I will react rationally and maturely or if I will be self focused, defensive and insecure. Man I hate what depression does to me. I have worked so hard to draw Nate out of his old ways of not sharing feelings and then I go and get depressed forcing him back into his shell.
The wreckage of our marriage continues. When I am depressed I am focused on myself. I am simply trying to hold on and survive the day. So I have certainly not been filing Nate’s love tank very much. Many of his needs have been pushed aside. We have been using all of our energy to get me healthy that his health has suffered. A person can only take an irritable partner for so long before they start taking it personally. Even though it is not personal eventually Nate starts to get his feelings hurt. I don’t blame him. And then there is the terrible part where he has to watch me suffer (and cry A LOT) and he is not able to do anything to fix it. We as humans hate to watch those we love suffer. It especially hard to watch someone you see every day suffer so much day after day. He wants to fix it but he can’t and that can make him feel like a failure as a husband. He knows that he is not a failure but those feelings still come up sometimes.
There is a lot more that I could say about how depression has reeked havoc on my marriage but that is all I have energy for right now. It makes me sad. I am sad that we have so much repair work to do. But I am so so so grateful that I have a loving, committed, strong, loyal, faithful, patient husband who truly loves me and is in no way going to give up on me.
I am really tired lately. I think I am fighting a cold but mostly I think my body and mind are tired of this battle with depression. I could probably go to bed now and it is only 7:52 pm. It would not be the kind of depressed I need to escape my life sleep, rather true blue I am so tired and my body needs to get good rest kind of sleep. I even took a nap today.
Happy/Gratitude List
I am so thankful…
427. For laughing with V this morning
428. For V’s singing
429. For singing Camp Newaygo songs with V
430. That I am going to be going to Colorado to visit my sister and treasured friend in 19 days.
431. That my hubby still thinks I am sexy
432. That it is fall. I love fall.
433. That my daughter LOVES to cuddle. I love to cuddle too.
434. For laughter in general
435. For chick flicks
436. For my warm snugly bed
437. For yummy waffles
438. For the silly dancing my daughter and I do together
439. For facebook
440. My wonderful friends
I realize that many of the things on my list are repeats of things I have said before but it is still fun to keep a running tab off all the things that I am and have been thankful for.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Feeling Ok
Wow it has actually been fourteen days since I have written. That is both a good and a bad sign. The good part is that I had a pretty good week last week. I felt somewhat normal. Yay normal! The bad part is that I let myself get out of the habit of doing something that is very good for me, something that is therapeutic and a healthy way to cope with my depression.
I spent a great deal of energy (mental, emotional and physical) and time filling out paperwork last week for my disability application. Let’s see….emotionally…..I felt a great myriad of emotions. I felt weak, defeated, needy, sad, heartbroken, hopeful, optimistic and unsettled. It was and is an extremely humbling process. I hate that I have to reach out for so much help extending as far as the government. I felt like I was admitting defeat by applying. I felt like I was letting depression win and I simply cannot have that. However have learned a great deal (and I am sure will continue to learn) throughout this process. I want what is best for my family. My medical bills are very large. I am a stay at home mom who has had to have her child in child-care. My illness has been disabling. As much as I don’t want to ask for help I simply must for the sake of my family.
This process has also affected me physically. It has drained me of so much energy. I have spent many hours sitting at the desk working on the computer. My “feeling good” time is like a rare jewel right now. I need to guard it, protect it and carefully choose who gets to have it. Spending hours on the computer is not how I wanted to spend my precious “feeling good” time. Oh well. I am done for now.
Mentally…..ahhhh mentally. I feel like a drained car battery, like someone left the light on inside overnight and now I am having trouble starting. It took so much out of me to put together coherent thoughts and sentences that I am really quite exhausted now. Thankfully I received a lot of help from my wonderful husband. My memory is terrible so I also relied on my charts at my doctor’s offices. I got to make many calls to my many doctors to compile the information that I did not remember.
So now that process is done. At least for now. Phew.
However I am still dealing with the emotional ramifications. And where does God fit into all of this? Is disability a way that He wants to provide for my family? Am I trusting Him to heal me like I should be? I need to rephrase that, am I trusting God the way I want to be? And the way He wants me to?
I saw my therapist today. He said that he can tell I am doing better by the way I present myself. I did only cry twice today. Yesterday was a very hard day. I cried a lot. But last week I went several days without crying. Yipeeeeeeee!
I went to my moms group this morning. It was nice to see everyone. Although it was very hard when people asked how my summer was. I did not know how to answer. If I answered by saying “terrible, I have been horribly depressed, my daughter has been in childcare and every area of my life is suffering because of this damn persistent depression” I would have left folks speechless. I know that the women who asked truly cared but at the same time it was not the time to be totally honest. So I simply said “ok.”
So I am doing ok. Ok is better than bad, terrible, or yucky. I will take ok. I am ok with ok right now.
I spent a great deal of energy (mental, emotional and physical) and time filling out paperwork last week for my disability application. Let’s see….emotionally…..I felt a great myriad of emotions. I felt weak, defeated, needy, sad, heartbroken, hopeful, optimistic and unsettled. It was and is an extremely humbling process. I hate that I have to reach out for so much help extending as far as the government. I felt like I was admitting defeat by applying. I felt like I was letting depression win and I simply cannot have that. However have learned a great deal (and I am sure will continue to learn) throughout this process. I want what is best for my family. My medical bills are very large. I am a stay at home mom who has had to have her child in child-care. My illness has been disabling. As much as I don’t want to ask for help I simply must for the sake of my family.
This process has also affected me physically. It has drained me of so much energy. I have spent many hours sitting at the desk working on the computer. My “feeling good” time is like a rare jewel right now. I need to guard it, protect it and carefully choose who gets to have it. Spending hours on the computer is not how I wanted to spend my precious “feeling good” time. Oh well. I am done for now.
Mentally…..ahhhh mentally. I feel like a drained car battery, like someone left the light on inside overnight and now I am having trouble starting. It took so much out of me to put together coherent thoughts and sentences that I am really quite exhausted now. Thankfully I received a lot of help from my wonderful husband. My memory is terrible so I also relied on my charts at my doctor’s offices. I got to make many calls to my many doctors to compile the information that I did not remember.
So now that process is done. At least for now. Phew.
However I am still dealing with the emotional ramifications. And where does God fit into all of this? Is disability a way that He wants to provide for my family? Am I trusting Him to heal me like I should be? I need to rephrase that, am I trusting God the way I want to be? And the way He wants me to?
I saw my therapist today. He said that he can tell I am doing better by the way I present myself. I did only cry twice today. Yesterday was a very hard day. I cried a lot. But last week I went several days without crying. Yipeeeeeeee!
I went to my moms group this morning. It was nice to see everyone. Although it was very hard when people asked how my summer was. I did not know how to answer. If I answered by saying “terrible, I have been horribly depressed, my daughter has been in childcare and every area of my life is suffering because of this damn persistent depression” I would have left folks speechless. I know that the women who asked truly cared but at the same time it was not the time to be totally honest. So I simply said “ok.”
So I am doing ok. Ok is better than bad, terrible, or yucky. I will take ok. I am ok with ok right now.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Chill Out!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk, I am totally having an anxiety evening. Nate told me I needed to go take my anxiety medicine (lovingly of course). I am extremely intense. I am trying to work on all the paper work for my disability claim and it is so stressful. I think they make it hard on purpose to try to weed out the people who really seriously need assistance. The problem is that part of my disability is anxiety. So I am going to need some major help. I have my hubby. Also my wonderful counselor has set me up with one of his students. She can get credit for her time spent helping me. I can hardly sit still and it is 9:42 pm. This is not good. I need to chill out.
Ok…breathe in…..breath out…. In…..out….in ……out........
Well, I still don’t feel better but I will continue trying to calm down. I think I will go do some relaxation exercises or something.
I am really freaked out about this whole disability thing. REALLY FREAKED OUT! I feel like I am giving up and giving in to the depression. I don’t want to do that. But….we really need the financial help. Nate is a wonderful hard working provider. But we need help with all the medical bills for me and for child-care since I am not working and am not able to watch to care for my daughter right now. Depression sucks!
Ok….it is 10:29 now. I have been working on those darn forms. I am still totally stressed so I MUST go relax and go to bed.
Ok…breathe in…..breath out…. In…..out….in ……out........
Well, I still don’t feel better but I will continue trying to calm down. I think I will go do some relaxation exercises or something.
I am really freaked out about this whole disability thing. REALLY FREAKED OUT! I feel like I am giving up and giving in to the depression. I don’t want to do that. But….we really need the financial help. Nate is a wonderful hard working provider. But we need help with all the medical bills for me and for child-care since I am not working and am not able to watch to care for my daughter right now. Depression sucks!
Ok….it is 10:29 now. I have been working on those darn forms. I am still totally stressed so I MUST go relax and go to bed.
He's There
I am feeling quite a bit better today. V is home with me because she has a little cold (I think—maybe allergies). I think I am doing ok because I have to be ok for my little girl. She starts pre-school today. I definitely did not want to miss that!!!! I sure hope she does not have a fever because she will have to miss her first day of school if she does.
Anyway, I saw my regular psychiatrist today. He is optimistic that we can find the right medication combination for me. Phew! He agrees that I should not jump back into ECT treatments. He likes that I have an open mind about different kinds of treatments and I like the same thing about him. I took V to the appointment. She is so adorable. She loves going there. My psychiatrist specializes in child and adolescent psychiatry so he has tons of toys. He has the greatest old toys that are similar to today’s Little People but much better. She really likes going with me to see this doctor. She always has felt very comfortable there. An example of this is; before V was potty trained she always pooped while we were in his office. No joke, she really did poop every time. Anyway I think she can just tell that it is a safe place where we are both cared for. My psychiatrist is fabulous. He truly cares about my wellbeing and is almost as desperate as I am to find me some relief from this depression.
We (my psychiatrist and I) talked about how the loss of health is a very real loss. The fact that Fibromyalgia and depression have and are keeping me from doing so many of the things I planned on doing is extremely sad. I feel a lot of guilt for not being the wife (partner) and mom I want to be. It has been good to put a label on that. What I mean is, it is good to know that it is ok to be grieving the loss of my health. It is good to know that it is a very real loss and that I am not being silly or selfish for grieving.
I think I am now able to go through the steps of grief and learn to be at peace with my limitations. It is time to focus on all that I can do instead of what I cannot do. I still have a lot of good to offer. It (me serving others) may not like what I thought it would but it is still something.
God still has a plan for me. He has a plan for me right now as well as in the future. I just have such a hard time seeing that on the DARK, cloudy, murky, yucky and sad depression days.
I just remembered a book I read around 20ish years ago. It is entitled Are You There God It’s Me Margaret. I sometimes feel like Margaret.
But the truth is, the amazingly beautiful and wonderful truth is that God is always with me no matter what!
Anyway, I saw my regular psychiatrist today. He is optimistic that we can find the right medication combination for me. Phew! He agrees that I should not jump back into ECT treatments. He likes that I have an open mind about different kinds of treatments and I like the same thing about him. I took V to the appointment. She is so adorable. She loves going there. My psychiatrist specializes in child and adolescent psychiatry so he has tons of toys. He has the greatest old toys that are similar to today’s Little People but much better. She really likes going with me to see this doctor. She always has felt very comfortable there. An example of this is; before V was potty trained she always pooped while we were in his office. No joke, she really did poop every time. Anyway I think she can just tell that it is a safe place where we are both cared for. My psychiatrist is fabulous. He truly cares about my wellbeing and is almost as desperate as I am to find me some relief from this depression.
We (my psychiatrist and I) talked about how the loss of health is a very real loss. The fact that Fibromyalgia and depression have and are keeping me from doing so many of the things I planned on doing is extremely sad. I feel a lot of guilt for not being the wife (partner) and mom I want to be. It has been good to put a label on that. What I mean is, it is good to know that it is ok to be grieving the loss of my health. It is good to know that it is a very real loss and that I am not being silly or selfish for grieving.
I think I am now able to go through the steps of grief and learn to be at peace with my limitations. It is time to focus on all that I can do instead of what I cannot do. I still have a lot of good to offer. It (me serving others) may not like what I thought it would but it is still something.
God still has a plan for me. He has a plan for me right now as well as in the future. I just have such a hard time seeing that on the DARK, cloudy, murky, yucky and sad depression days.
I just remembered a book I read around 20ish years ago. It is entitled Are You There God It’s Me Margaret. I sometimes feel like Margaret.
But the truth is, the amazingly beautiful and wonderful truth is that God is always with me no matter what!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Got My Groove Back
I had a really nice evening with V. Thank God!!!
It started when she woke up from her nap crying really hard. I told her to get in bed with me (I was laying down elevating my ouchy ankle). She wanted me to cuddle her. When I asked her what was wrong she said “I miss you.” She told she missed me at least three more times. We cuddled and then she asked me to sing her the moon song. So I sang. Then she asked me to sing some more. I sang her several Camp Newaygo songs along with a couple of praise songs that I learned when I first became a Christian. I love singing. What could be better than snuggling my daughter, stroking her hair and singing some of my favorite songs? Nothing. It is a memory I will cherish forever.
I could have chosen to feel guilty about the fact that she was telling me that she missed me. But I chose not to feel guilty. Yay Carly. I chose to enjoy the moment and to enjoy my daughter.
We later played outside. I hobbled to the swing-set and then sat on a chair while I pushed her. We ate dinner outside which I love to do. After dinner Nate and V got out the tee-ball set. Oh my goodness was she adorable to watch. And the best is yet to come….
After about ten minutes of hitting the ball she was ready for something new. She then proceeded to make up her own games. I sat on the grass and listened, watched and truly enjoyed my little girl. Her imagination is amazing. And even if it was only for one evening I felt like I had my Mommy groove back. I was not able to run around with her but I was able to be with her without holding back tears.
I still felt well enough later in the evening to read her books, tuck her in, pray with her and sing the moon song one more time.
Thank you Lord for a wonderful evening. I needed it.
It started when she woke up from her nap crying really hard. I told her to get in bed with me (I was laying down elevating my ouchy ankle). She wanted me to cuddle her. When I asked her what was wrong she said “I miss you.” She told she missed me at least three more times. We cuddled and then she asked me to sing her the moon song. So I sang. Then she asked me to sing some more. I sang her several Camp Newaygo songs along with a couple of praise songs that I learned when I first became a Christian. I love singing. What could be better than snuggling my daughter, stroking her hair and singing some of my favorite songs? Nothing. It is a memory I will cherish forever.
I could have chosen to feel guilty about the fact that she was telling me that she missed me. But I chose not to feel guilty. Yay Carly. I chose to enjoy the moment and to enjoy my daughter.
We later played outside. I hobbled to the swing-set and then sat on a chair while I pushed her. We ate dinner outside which I love to do. After dinner Nate and V got out the tee-ball set. Oh my goodness was she adorable to watch. And the best is yet to come….
After about ten minutes of hitting the ball she was ready for something new. She then proceeded to make up her own games. I sat on the grass and listened, watched and truly enjoyed my little girl. Her imagination is amazing. And even if it was only for one evening I felt like I had my Mommy groove back. I was not able to run around with her but I was able to be with her without holding back tears.
I still felt well enough later in the evening to read her books, tuck her in, pray with her and sing the moon song one more time.
Thank you Lord for a wonderful evening. I needed it.
Dog Poop
Written Friday 9-10-10
I don’t really feel like writing but I know that I need to. I am tired and I really just want to chill out. Today was a very hard day. I cried A LOT.
I was already struggling when my dog escaped out of our backyard. It is fenced in but she went under the fence. After calling for her in the backyard I hobbled out the front door to call for her. No luck. I left the door open just in case by some stroke of luck she would waltz back in the door. As I was tearfully trying to figure how I was going to go look for her with my sprained ankle I heard someone at the open front door. A nice young police officer woman found Jenny-Dog and had kindly brought her back to me. She asked me if I was ok several times since it was obvious I had been crying. I did my best to assure her I was ok (while inside my head I was thinking, “no I am not ok. I have been struggling with this damn depression for months now and I am tired of it.”) I am grateful she was not hit by a car.
The best part of the Jenny-Dog escape ordeal is that she came home covered in poop. Yup the dog rolled in crap and was very proud of the ways she smelled. I put her outside on her chain while I tried to figure out how I was going to give her a bath while balancing on one foot. As if I was not already having a hard time? I really didn’t need the dog to roll in poop to add to the fun of the day. Thankfully my husband came home at lunch and brought her crate up from the basement. That way I could put her in the crate (keeping her off the carpet and furniture) until Nate got home from work. Giving the dog a bath was one of the last things Nate wanted to do tonight but I am so thankful that he did it. Someone had to.
I am really crabby. And I really don’t want to write but I don’t want to get out of the habit of writing because it is so therapeutic for me.
I had my last day at the hospital program yesterday. My insurance would have paid for 3 more days but I felt like I had gotten all that I could get out of it. Plus the program is based on group therapy. I was not enjoying the current group. There was a lot of negativity with the remaining members. I did not feel that it would be beneficial for me to be around the nearly constant complaining about the men who had wronged them. The use of profanity was also nearly constant.
On top of that I was feeling confused and frustrated with the psychiatrist telling me one thing and the psychologist telling me something else. I did not totally agree with either one of them. Also the psychologist talked to us for a long time about how he thinks forgiveness is overrated. He thinks that we do not need to forgive the people who have hurt us ever. I disagree for several reasons. Mostly I disagree because I think that when we forgive the person who has hurt us we are free to move on and are no longer in bondage to the ager we felt toward that person. I have other reasons for disagreeing but as I said above I do not really feel like writing. Maybe another day.
I did learn some very good things at the program.
1. I need to forgive myself for being sick and not being the person I thought I would be.
2. I need to lower my expectations of myself at least for right now. When I am healthy again I can aim to do more.
3. Instead of focusing on what I cannot do I need to focus on what I can do.
4. I am in the process of grieving my lost health and dreams. It is ok to be sad about that sometimes.
I think there is more that I have learned but my head is fuzzy right now. So I am going to stop writing and chill out. We have a lot to do tomorrow. I need to be refreshed and energized.
I don’t really feel like writing but I know that I need to. I am tired and I really just want to chill out. Today was a very hard day. I cried A LOT.
I was already struggling when my dog escaped out of our backyard. It is fenced in but she went under the fence. After calling for her in the backyard I hobbled out the front door to call for her. No luck. I left the door open just in case by some stroke of luck she would waltz back in the door. As I was tearfully trying to figure how I was going to go look for her with my sprained ankle I heard someone at the open front door. A nice young police officer woman found Jenny-Dog and had kindly brought her back to me. She asked me if I was ok several times since it was obvious I had been crying. I did my best to assure her I was ok (while inside my head I was thinking, “no I am not ok. I have been struggling with this damn depression for months now and I am tired of it.”) I am grateful she was not hit by a car.
The best part of the Jenny-Dog escape ordeal is that she came home covered in poop. Yup the dog rolled in crap and was very proud of the ways she smelled. I put her outside on her chain while I tried to figure out how I was going to give her a bath while balancing on one foot. As if I was not already having a hard time? I really didn’t need the dog to roll in poop to add to the fun of the day. Thankfully my husband came home at lunch and brought her crate up from the basement. That way I could put her in the crate (keeping her off the carpet and furniture) until Nate got home from work. Giving the dog a bath was one of the last things Nate wanted to do tonight but I am so thankful that he did it. Someone had to.
I am really crabby. And I really don’t want to write but I don’t want to get out of the habit of writing because it is so therapeutic for me.
I had my last day at the hospital program yesterday. My insurance would have paid for 3 more days but I felt like I had gotten all that I could get out of it. Plus the program is based on group therapy. I was not enjoying the current group. There was a lot of negativity with the remaining members. I did not feel that it would be beneficial for me to be around the nearly constant complaining about the men who had wronged them. The use of profanity was also nearly constant.
On top of that I was feeling confused and frustrated with the psychiatrist telling me one thing and the psychologist telling me something else. I did not totally agree with either one of them. Also the psychologist talked to us for a long time about how he thinks forgiveness is overrated. He thinks that we do not need to forgive the people who have hurt us ever. I disagree for several reasons. Mostly I disagree because I think that when we forgive the person who has hurt us we are free to move on and are no longer in bondage to the ager we felt toward that person. I have other reasons for disagreeing but as I said above I do not really feel like writing. Maybe another day.
I did learn some very good things at the program.
1. I need to forgive myself for being sick and not being the person I thought I would be.
2. I need to lower my expectations of myself at least for right now. When I am healthy again I can aim to do more.
3. Instead of focusing on what I cannot do I need to focus on what I can do.
4. I am in the process of grieving my lost health and dreams. It is ok to be sad about that sometimes.
I think there is more that I have learned but my head is fuzzy right now. So I am going to stop writing and chill out. We have a lot to do tomorrow. I need to be refreshed and energized.
Out of Control
I really don’t feel like writing but I think I need to. It is an absolutely gorgeous day and I am inside lying around. I am not sure if it is my sprained ankle or my depression keeping me inside. It is probably both.
I hate not being able to get around. As if depression is not debilitating enough, I don’t need anything else to keep me from being active.
I have had a couple of really bad days. I have been crying a lot, feeling hopeless, and thinking about how it would be so much easier to die. The pain of the depression has been so bad that I have been thinking about wanting to die. It makes me sick to even say that but it is true. Thankfully while I am thinking about giving up my lovely daughter pops into my head and I come back to reality.
Suicide is very selfish. The people you leave behind are left confused, hurt and devastated. Although, I do understand how a person can feel so horrible that they think it is the only option. Sometimes the pain is so intense or it has been going on so long that you just want it to end. I could never do it. Whenever I think about how much it would hurt those I would leave behind I know that I must fight. I would never ever want my daughter to think that I did not want to know her or be with her as she grows up. The problem is that I feel like I am barely there right now. My friends and family have been watching her as I have been trying to get healthy.
But why aren’t I better yet?
My friend watched V this morning and then I went over and we all hung out for a while. I brought V home and all I had to do was give her a snack and put her down for her nap. I got so overwhelmed. My stupid ankle being hurt really makes things extra challenging. I am using a roll-about (a knee scooter) to get around and I have trouble getting into tight spaces. I got so frustrated trying to get into the pantry to give V some canned peaches that I started to cry. I hid the tears from V.
Then she would not listen to me so I had to give her a time-out. She kept trying to leave time-out and I had to physically put her back into the chair which was really challenging with my bad ankle. I so badly just wanted to let it go. But whenever I do that then she thinks that she is in charge rather than me. This whole ordeal was exhausting. After I finally got her down for a nap (Thank God she was really tired and she went right to sleep. She did not even want me to read her books which was good because I did not have any energy left anyway.) I felt really crappy about myself.
I was responsible for her for about 45 minutes and I could barely handle it. I certainly was not the calm, patient, loving and fun mom I want to be. I did not have fun and neither did she. I love her so much. I can’t stand that I am not able to play with her, teach her and enjoy her. I know that feeling bad about myself about this does not get me anywhere but I still feel bad. I am trying not to but I do.
As I was driving V home from my friend’s house today I realized that it is not me who is raising her right now. She is spending the majority of her time with my friends, family and Nate. They are all good people but they are not her Mama. I want to be the one who has the most influence on her. I used to be her favorite person in the world and now I feel like I am barely even in her world.
“Oh God please, please help me. Heal me. Do something. I need for this to be over. I need to be healthy and whole. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
I hurt so much. I shake when I cry. I double over in pain sometimes. Why can’t I just pull myself together? What is wrong with me? I hate this.
I am sobbing now.
I have not showered today. The house is a mess. I have not read my Bible. I have not done relaxation.
I have prayed a little. I have iced my ankle and elevated it while I have watched LOST DVDs. Now I am making myself write. There is so much to do, so much I want and need to do that I don’t know where to start. And when I feel like I do now I just can’t handle getting started.
Ok…..breathe…….let’s look at the good things I have done today.
1. I am writing
2. I brushed my teeth and washed my face
3. I have iced my ankle twice.
4. I spent some time with my friend Rebecca
5. I gave V a snack
6. I have let the dog out (which is really hard with my ankle. I have to go down stairs and then hook her up to a chain since she has found ways to get out of our fenced in yard)
7. I checked my email and facebook.
8. I got dressed.
9. I told V I love her.
Ok……..it could be worse. I could have stayed in bed the entire day. I could have let V stay with Rebecca all day but I wanted to bring her home so she could nap.
I have got to control my thoughts. Even when I feel like I cannot control them I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO CONTROL THEM.
Over-and-out, that is enough writing for now.
I hate not being able to get around. As if depression is not debilitating enough, I don’t need anything else to keep me from being active.
I have had a couple of really bad days. I have been crying a lot, feeling hopeless, and thinking about how it would be so much easier to die. The pain of the depression has been so bad that I have been thinking about wanting to die. It makes me sick to even say that but it is true. Thankfully while I am thinking about giving up my lovely daughter pops into my head and I come back to reality.
Suicide is very selfish. The people you leave behind are left confused, hurt and devastated. Although, I do understand how a person can feel so horrible that they think it is the only option. Sometimes the pain is so intense or it has been going on so long that you just want it to end. I could never do it. Whenever I think about how much it would hurt those I would leave behind I know that I must fight. I would never ever want my daughter to think that I did not want to know her or be with her as she grows up. The problem is that I feel like I am barely there right now. My friends and family have been watching her as I have been trying to get healthy.
But why aren’t I better yet?
My friend watched V this morning and then I went over and we all hung out for a while. I brought V home and all I had to do was give her a snack and put her down for her nap. I got so overwhelmed. My stupid ankle being hurt really makes things extra challenging. I am using a roll-about (a knee scooter) to get around and I have trouble getting into tight spaces. I got so frustrated trying to get into the pantry to give V some canned peaches that I started to cry. I hid the tears from V.
Then she would not listen to me so I had to give her a time-out. She kept trying to leave time-out and I had to physically put her back into the chair which was really challenging with my bad ankle. I so badly just wanted to let it go. But whenever I do that then she thinks that she is in charge rather than me. This whole ordeal was exhausting. After I finally got her down for a nap (Thank God she was really tired and she went right to sleep. She did not even want me to read her books which was good because I did not have any energy left anyway.) I felt really crappy about myself.
I was responsible for her for about 45 minutes and I could barely handle it. I certainly was not the calm, patient, loving and fun mom I want to be. I did not have fun and neither did she. I love her so much. I can’t stand that I am not able to play with her, teach her and enjoy her. I know that feeling bad about myself about this does not get me anywhere but I still feel bad. I am trying not to but I do.
As I was driving V home from my friend’s house today I realized that it is not me who is raising her right now. She is spending the majority of her time with my friends, family and Nate. They are all good people but they are not her Mama. I want to be the one who has the most influence on her. I used to be her favorite person in the world and now I feel like I am barely even in her world.
“Oh God please, please help me. Heal me. Do something. I need for this to be over. I need to be healthy and whole. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
I hurt so much. I shake when I cry. I double over in pain sometimes. Why can’t I just pull myself together? What is wrong with me? I hate this.
I am sobbing now.
I have not showered today. The house is a mess. I have not read my Bible. I have not done relaxation.
I have prayed a little. I have iced my ankle and elevated it while I have watched LOST DVDs. Now I am making myself write. There is so much to do, so much I want and need to do that I don’t know where to start. And when I feel like I do now I just can’t handle getting started.
Ok…..breathe…….let’s look at the good things I have done today.
1. I am writing
2. I brushed my teeth and washed my face
3. I have iced my ankle twice.
4. I spent some time with my friend Rebecca
5. I gave V a snack
6. I have let the dog out (which is really hard with my ankle. I have to go down stairs and then hook her up to a chain since she has found ways to get out of our fenced in yard)
7. I checked my email and facebook.
8. I got dressed.
9. I told V I love her.
Ok……..it could be worse. I could have stayed in bed the entire day. I could have let V stay with Rebecca all day but I wanted to bring her home so she could nap.
I have got to control my thoughts. Even when I feel like I cannot control them I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO CONTROL THEM.
Over-and-out, that is enough writing for now.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Trusting God
Today has been a challenging day. I felt frusterated, sad, confussed, wise, compassionate, angry, joyful, hopeless and hopeful all within the span of about four hours.
All of the group therapy time was spent on the other members today. We have five now but tomorrow we will be down to four. As I listened I felt many of the feelings I described above.
One woman was raped (brutally) at the age of 13. She became pregnant, had the baby and gave him up for adoption. Her parents discouraged her from pressing charges. They also have not talked about it at all over the years. It has been like the shameful elephant in the closet. My heart broke for her on many levels. Although I think the most damaging part of the whole ordeal was that her parents were too ashamed to press charges or talk about what happened through the years.
Another woman was molested by her step-father from the ages of 9 to 15. Her two younger sisters were molested as well. Apparently her mom had no idea about it until her younger sister acted out. Then at the age of 16 this woman was raped. All of this happened 16 years ago and she is still extremely angry. She has no desire to forgive her perpetrators. I am sad for her because the anger is eating her up inside.
The third young woman in the group just got out of an abusive relationship where the man hit her and treated her like crap. (There is also a very nice man in our group but his story is not relevant right now.)
And then there is me…..
I have dealt with some difficult things in my life. I have been hurt but I have worked through all of that, forgiven and moved on. Sure my life is not perfect. I have realized that I need to work on forgiving myself for being sick and for not being able to do what most everyone else around me is doing. I have also learned that I need be more patient with myself. But for the most part I feel loved and supported by all of my family and friends. I have an amazing husband (who cherishes, supports, hugs, loves me unconditionally, listens and who continually serves me) and daughter who adore me. There are no immediate stressors other than the normal day to day stuff. Each of these women have specific things that they can point to that is casusing their depression. I do not. I am depressed and I don’t know why.
My regular psychiatrist would say that it is the chemical imbalance in my brain. I agree. But why is it so hard to treat? Well….he would say that I have treatment resistant depression and we just have to keep trying to find the right medications to correct the imbalance. My therapist agrees with this. In the mean time I am TIRED of being depressed and I am working really hard on doing things to help myself get better.
The nurse at the program suggested that I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. So I will go. I am told to exercise so I have been and I will start up again as soon as my ankle has healed. I am told to meditate and/or pray and I do. I am frustrated, sad and confussed about why I am still struggling with depression. The psychiatrist at the program was not very helpful. In fact it was after I saw her that I started crying and feeling frustrated. I am not a big fan of her.
On my lunch break I called my regular therapist (that I see every week) and he took time out of his lunch break to talk with me. I was crying about how frustrated I was/am with this damn depression still lingering on. He listened to me, encouraged me, offered suggestions and prayed with me. I am so thankful that I was able to call him and to gain some perspective. He is wise, kind, challenging, thoughtful and very good at his job. I am extremely blessed to have a talented well educated therapist who respects and shares my faith.
God blessed me through my devotional Jesus Calling this morning.
The September 8 entry is as follows:
ACCEPT EACH DAY exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.
(Based on the Scriptures, Psalm 42:5, 2 Corinthians 13:4 and Jeremiah 31.25)
Thanks God for speaking right to me! I love how it says to not only accept your circumstances but also the condition of your body (hello sprained ankle, fibromyalgia pain and depression). God had been teaching me a great deal about relying on Him. It has not been an easy lesson but I am beginning to see that depending on Him and doing things His way is the best way to go.
P.S. I wrote about hate the other day. I want to say that I am against hating people. However, sometimes circumstances are worthy of our hatred. Also hating something or someone drains us of a lot of energy. It is energy that we cannot get back so it is much better to deal with whatever (or whoever) you are hating so that you can move on and live a joy filled life.
Happy List
I am so thankful…
422. For my amazing, thoughtful, wonderful and caring therapist. He rocks!
423. That I have been spared from some of the pain that the women in my group have endured.
424. That I can honestly say that I have forgiven those who have hurt me (still working on myself) and I am free because of it.
425. That I love-love-LOVE my husband.
426. That I can trust God and trust that He loves me more than I could ever imagine.
All of the group therapy time was spent on the other members today. We have five now but tomorrow we will be down to four. As I listened I felt many of the feelings I described above.
One woman was raped (brutally) at the age of 13. She became pregnant, had the baby and gave him up for adoption. Her parents discouraged her from pressing charges. They also have not talked about it at all over the years. It has been like the shameful elephant in the closet. My heart broke for her on many levels. Although I think the most damaging part of the whole ordeal was that her parents were too ashamed to press charges or talk about what happened through the years.
Another woman was molested by her step-father from the ages of 9 to 15. Her two younger sisters were molested as well. Apparently her mom had no idea about it until her younger sister acted out. Then at the age of 16 this woman was raped. All of this happened 16 years ago and she is still extremely angry. She has no desire to forgive her perpetrators. I am sad for her because the anger is eating her up inside.
The third young woman in the group just got out of an abusive relationship where the man hit her and treated her like crap. (There is also a very nice man in our group but his story is not relevant right now.)
And then there is me…..
I have dealt with some difficult things in my life. I have been hurt but I have worked through all of that, forgiven and moved on. Sure my life is not perfect. I have realized that I need to work on forgiving myself for being sick and for not being able to do what most everyone else around me is doing. I have also learned that I need be more patient with myself. But for the most part I feel loved and supported by all of my family and friends. I have an amazing husband (who cherishes, supports, hugs, loves me unconditionally, listens and who continually serves me) and daughter who adore me. There are no immediate stressors other than the normal day to day stuff. Each of these women have specific things that they can point to that is casusing their depression. I do not. I am depressed and I don’t know why.
My regular psychiatrist would say that it is the chemical imbalance in my brain. I agree. But why is it so hard to treat? Well….he would say that I have treatment resistant depression and we just have to keep trying to find the right medications to correct the imbalance. My therapist agrees with this. In the mean time I am TIRED of being depressed and I am working really hard on doing things to help myself get better.
The nurse at the program suggested that I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. So I will go. I am told to exercise so I have been and I will start up again as soon as my ankle has healed. I am told to meditate and/or pray and I do. I am frustrated, sad and confussed about why I am still struggling with depression. The psychiatrist at the program was not very helpful. In fact it was after I saw her that I started crying and feeling frustrated. I am not a big fan of her.
On my lunch break I called my regular therapist (that I see every week) and he took time out of his lunch break to talk with me. I was crying about how frustrated I was/am with this damn depression still lingering on. He listened to me, encouraged me, offered suggestions and prayed with me. I am so thankful that I was able to call him and to gain some perspective. He is wise, kind, challenging, thoughtful and very good at his job. I am extremely blessed to have a talented well educated therapist who respects and shares my faith.
God blessed me through my devotional Jesus Calling this morning.
The September 8 entry is as follows:
ACCEPT EACH DAY exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.
(Based on the Scriptures, Psalm 42:5, 2 Corinthians 13:4 and Jeremiah 31.25)
Thanks God for speaking right to me! I love how it says to not only accept your circumstances but also the condition of your body (hello sprained ankle, fibromyalgia pain and depression). God had been teaching me a great deal about relying on Him. It has not been an easy lesson but I am beginning to see that depending on Him and doing things His way is the best way to go.
P.S. I wrote about hate the other day. I want to say that I am against hating people. However, sometimes circumstances are worthy of our hatred. Also hating something or someone drains us of a lot of energy. It is energy that we cannot get back so it is much better to deal with whatever (or whoever) you are hating so that you can move on and live a joy filled life.
Happy List
I am so thankful…
422. For my amazing, thoughtful, wonderful and caring therapist. He rocks!
423. That I have been spared from some of the pain that the women in my group have endured.
424. That I can honestly say that I have forgiven those who have hurt me (still working on myself) and I am free because of it.
425. That I love-love-LOVE my husband.
426. That I can trust God and trust that He loves me more than I could ever imagine.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Tired
I am feeling really tired tonight. Working on healing from depression is quite exhausting. I am really confused also. I keep hearing different theories on how I can get well. I just know that I want to get well. I suppose I will listen to everyone’s opinions, think and pray about them and use what I think applies to me the best.
Lord please give me wisdom!
Happy List
I am so grateful…..
416. That my daughter loves to sing
417. That my hubby bought me chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream tonight
418. That my foot and ankle are healing
419. That we are getting a new (used) mattress. Ours is over 10 years old.
420. For my daughter. She is so completely and totally amazing!
421. For V singing (belting) “The joy of the Lord is my strength” all the time:)
Lord please give me wisdom!
Happy List
I am so grateful…..
416. That my daughter loves to sing
417. That my hubby bought me chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream tonight
418. That my foot and ankle are healing
419. That we are getting a new (used) mattress. Ours is over 10 years old.
420. For my daughter. She is so completely and totally amazing!
421. For V singing (belting) “The joy of the Lord is my strength” all the time:)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Feeling Crappy
Ugggggggggggggg I feel like crap right now. Even my body feels depressed. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically crappy. I don’t understand myself or my body. I woke up this morning thinking “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. I am going to have a good day today. Lord please help me have a good day.”
Then I feel back asleep for about 15 minutes. V came in and woke me up to see if I wanted to do a puzzle with her. I made myself get up and OUCH my body hurt. Not a good start. We went to do the puzzle for a few minutes and then I had to go to the bathroom. I dragged myself up (both feet hurting) and went into the bathroom. Nate is was just getting out of the shower and was frustrated that I could not wait another couple minutes. I really couldn’t wait (my body sucks). So we start the day off frustrated with each other.
I am hurt and frustrated that he did not greet me with a “Hi honey. Good morning. I t is so nice to see you” accompanied with a hello kiss. There I go again having unfair expectations.
I am crabby about my body hurting and annoyed that I am feeling depressed. Before I even got out of bed and fully woke up I was praying for a good day and already only 15 minutes into the day I was feeling crappy.
The morning continued to spiral downward. Nate and I did not communicate well. I was upset with him and couldn’t seem to get over it. I was feeling like a burden already and did not want to ask him to make me some breakfast. But I was hungry and it is very hard to cook with a sprained ankle. I had been up for about 30 minutes at this point and I was already self-loathing.
I don’t understand how my mind goes there so quickly. Nate was trying to make things better but no matter how hard he tried the damage was already done. That was so unfair to him. I knew I was being irrational but I could not seem to stop it.
I told him yesterday what I wanted to do today and he had forgotten. So when he told me that he was going to go over to my dad’s house to wash and wax the car I was upset. I forget things all the time so once again, I was not being fair to him.
He said he needed to get out of the house. I don’t blame him. The house is a huge mess. I then started to blame and dislike myself for the house being a mess. My thoughts were, “If only my ankle was not sprained and I had not been depressed forever then house would be picked up and he would not feel the need to escape.”
I went and got back into bed. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Nate put a video on for V so he could try to talk to me. He said “let’s go do what you want to do.” But I was already feeling crappy and so I said no. I kept thinking to myself “you are being irrational Carly. “ I tried to change my thoughts to positive thoughts. I tried to practice cognitive behavioral therapy and to keep my thoughts under control but I just could not seem to do it.
I don’t understand why I cannot handle the littlest things? Why do I go right to being depressed at the slightest little problem? Why do I think I suck and feel like such a burden and a loser? If I know I am being irrational why can’t I stop my thoughts and change them? Why when I try to start the day positive do I still feel down, crappy and depressed? Why do I feel the way I feel? Why can’t I pull myself out of this funk? Why can’t I apply the things I learn and change the way I think, feel and act? I feel defeated already and I have only been awake for an hour and a half.
I still just want to go back to bed. I am actually really tired. My foot/ankle hurts. I don’t want to be around anyone because I don’t feel like I can be nice to be around. I don’t want to hurt or frustrate my family anymore. I need to pull myself together and go be a good mom and wife. Carly pull yourself together damn it! Just pull yourself together.
It is several hours later and I still feel crappy. I took a nap and was determined to start over when I got up. Unfortunately the depression was still lingering.
I don’t want to feel depressed. I want to feel healthy, good, stable and normal. What the hell is wrong with me?
We had dinner with my mom and step-dad. I was very quiet throughout the dinner. I asked questions because it was easier than having them ask me questions. I did not want to start crying in the middle of a restaurant.
My mom talked about how my cousin is a very calm and easy gong mom with her new daughter. I thought to myself, “I used to be that way.” I used to be easy going and easy to be around but now I am so intense. I am irritable, irrational, unstable, and depressing. I hate that. What has happened to me? What has happened to the Carly we all knew and loved?
I remember in 1998 when a teacher that I really enjoyed and respected told me that I was too intense and that I needed to relax. That comment upset me so much because I knew it was true. It was another period in my life when I was struggling with depression. I was not the relaxed easy going person that I liked to be. I hated the way I was feeling and acting just like I hate how I am now.
Hate is a strong word. I don’t usually like to use it at all. But lately hate is what I have been feeling. I hate how I feel. I hate how I am acting. I hate not knowing how to make myself different and better. I hate that I feel overwhelmed all the time. I hate that I feel out of control. I hate that it takes almost nothing to stress me out. I hate that I am not being the wife and mom that I want to be. I hate that my family is suffering due to my depression. I hate that my house is a wreck. I hate that I do not have the energy to get it cleaned up. I hate depression. I hate that depression is robbing me of so much of my life.
I am so thankful that tomorrow is another day.
Gratitude/Happy List
I am thankful…..
410. That tomorrow is another day.
411. That my family loves me even when I am challenging to be around.
412. I get to go to bed very soon (I am so ready for today to be over).
413. That people have offered to watch V this week while I continue in the hospital program.
414. My husband has not left me and has no plans to do so.
415. That a woman at my church leant me her walking boot that she wore when she had surgery on her foot. Hopefully I will be able to be walking soon.
Then I feel back asleep for about 15 minutes. V came in and woke me up to see if I wanted to do a puzzle with her. I made myself get up and OUCH my body hurt. Not a good start. We went to do the puzzle for a few minutes and then I had to go to the bathroom. I dragged myself up (both feet hurting) and went into the bathroom. Nate is was just getting out of the shower and was frustrated that I could not wait another couple minutes. I really couldn’t wait (my body sucks). So we start the day off frustrated with each other.
I am hurt and frustrated that he did not greet me with a “Hi honey. Good morning. I t is so nice to see you” accompanied with a hello kiss. There I go again having unfair expectations.
I am crabby about my body hurting and annoyed that I am feeling depressed. Before I even got out of bed and fully woke up I was praying for a good day and already only 15 minutes into the day I was feeling crappy.
The morning continued to spiral downward. Nate and I did not communicate well. I was upset with him and couldn’t seem to get over it. I was feeling like a burden already and did not want to ask him to make me some breakfast. But I was hungry and it is very hard to cook with a sprained ankle. I had been up for about 30 minutes at this point and I was already self-loathing.
I don’t understand how my mind goes there so quickly. Nate was trying to make things better but no matter how hard he tried the damage was already done. That was so unfair to him. I knew I was being irrational but I could not seem to stop it.
I told him yesterday what I wanted to do today and he had forgotten. So when he told me that he was going to go over to my dad’s house to wash and wax the car I was upset. I forget things all the time so once again, I was not being fair to him.
He said he needed to get out of the house. I don’t blame him. The house is a huge mess. I then started to blame and dislike myself for the house being a mess. My thoughts were, “If only my ankle was not sprained and I had not been depressed forever then house would be picked up and he would not feel the need to escape.”
I went and got back into bed. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Nate put a video on for V so he could try to talk to me. He said “let’s go do what you want to do.” But I was already feeling crappy and so I said no. I kept thinking to myself “you are being irrational Carly. “ I tried to change my thoughts to positive thoughts. I tried to practice cognitive behavioral therapy and to keep my thoughts under control but I just could not seem to do it.
I don’t understand why I cannot handle the littlest things? Why do I go right to being depressed at the slightest little problem? Why do I think I suck and feel like such a burden and a loser? If I know I am being irrational why can’t I stop my thoughts and change them? Why when I try to start the day positive do I still feel down, crappy and depressed? Why do I feel the way I feel? Why can’t I pull myself out of this funk? Why can’t I apply the things I learn and change the way I think, feel and act? I feel defeated already and I have only been awake for an hour and a half.
I still just want to go back to bed. I am actually really tired. My foot/ankle hurts. I don’t want to be around anyone because I don’t feel like I can be nice to be around. I don’t want to hurt or frustrate my family anymore. I need to pull myself together and go be a good mom and wife. Carly pull yourself together damn it! Just pull yourself together.
It is several hours later and I still feel crappy. I took a nap and was determined to start over when I got up. Unfortunately the depression was still lingering.
I don’t want to feel depressed. I want to feel healthy, good, stable and normal. What the hell is wrong with me?
We had dinner with my mom and step-dad. I was very quiet throughout the dinner. I asked questions because it was easier than having them ask me questions. I did not want to start crying in the middle of a restaurant.
My mom talked about how my cousin is a very calm and easy gong mom with her new daughter. I thought to myself, “I used to be that way.” I used to be easy going and easy to be around but now I am so intense. I am irritable, irrational, unstable, and depressing. I hate that. What has happened to me? What has happened to the Carly we all knew and loved?
I remember in 1998 when a teacher that I really enjoyed and respected told me that I was too intense and that I needed to relax. That comment upset me so much because I knew it was true. It was another period in my life when I was struggling with depression. I was not the relaxed easy going person that I liked to be. I hated the way I was feeling and acting just like I hate how I am now.
Hate is a strong word. I don’t usually like to use it at all. But lately hate is what I have been feeling. I hate how I feel. I hate how I am acting. I hate not knowing how to make myself different and better. I hate that I feel overwhelmed all the time. I hate that I feel out of control. I hate that it takes almost nothing to stress me out. I hate that I am not being the wife and mom that I want to be. I hate that my family is suffering due to my depression. I hate that my house is a wreck. I hate that I do not have the energy to get it cleaned up. I hate depression. I hate that depression is robbing me of so much of my life.
I am so thankful that tomorrow is another day.
Gratitude/Happy List
I am thankful…..
410. That tomorrow is another day.
411. That my family loves me even when I am challenging to be around.
412. I get to go to bed very soon (I am so ready for today to be over).
413. That people have offered to watch V this week while I continue in the hospital program.
414. My husband has not left me and has no plans to do so.
415. That a woman at my church leant me her walking boot that she wore when she had surgery on her foot. Hopefully I will be able to be walking soon.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I Choose You Lord
Today was a bit better than yesterday. Not quite so many tears. Actually I only cried in church and they were tears of joy and peace. However, I have been in a lot of physically pain. My sprained ankle is bothering me as well as many other body parts due to the Fibromyalgia.
My family (hubby and daughter) are so wonderful. I have gotten so many fabulous hugs and kisses today that my physical touch love tank is overflowing. V gives the most adorable, sweet and loving hugs and kisses.
A couple of weeks ago in church I felt God challenging me with this question; “Will you still choose to love and serve me even if I don’t heal you?” I was pissed off by the question.
I had been spending a lot of time praying but God showed me that most of my prayers had been selfish. I had been asking for strength, help, and healing and not much else. I had not been praying and reading Scripture because I wanted to spend time with Him. Instead I had been going to Him to have Him help me make it through my days. God does want us to go to Him with our problems and ask Him for help. However, He also wants us to go to him just because we love him and want to be in his presence.
God really challenged me with that. He wanted to know what was more important, me being healed or me simply knowing Him? Was I willing to say that I wanted a relationship with God more than I wanted to be healed? No I was not, at least not that Sunday.
On that Sunday God reminded me of the story about the time God asked Abraham to take his only son (the son that he had waited years for, he was over 100 years old when he had Isaac) and offer him as a sacrifice. In the Old Testament before Jesus came to earth and died on the cross, people offered animals (usually lambs or goats) to God as sacrifices to atone for their sins. In this story God wanted to see who Abraham loved more, Him or his son Isaac. Just as Abraham was about to sacrifice his son God told him to STOP! It was a test of Abraham’s faith. God never intended for Abraham to kill Isaac. I felt like God showed me this story to illustrate to me his question for me. Did I care more about getting healthy and no longer suffering from depression than I cared about God himself? Again this question pissed me off. I felt like I should not have to choose between God and my health.
The Sunday God challenged me with this question was August 15th. It has been 3 weeks since then. I remember crying throughout worship because I was not ready to say “Yes Lord I choose you no matter what. Even if I stay depressed and suffer from Fibromyalgia I will still choose to love and serve you.”
Well today I was ready. I humbly prayed to God during worship, “I choose you Lord. I choose you. Even if I stay sick I still choose you. I don’t know how I will make it through but I know that with you I can do anything. I choose you Lord. I choose you.” I meant that prayer. I still do. I don’t believe that God wants me to stay depressed but I do believe that he wants me to want Him more than I want anything else, including health.
It felt good to surrender myself to God. It felt peaceful and right.
I read my daughter books before she went to bed tonight. We read from The Jesus Storybook Bible which is one of our favorites. The story that I happened to open up to was the story about when God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
A section from the story states,
“God helped Abraham and Isaac understand something. God wanted his people to live, not die. God wanted to rescue his people, not punish them. But they must trust him.
‘One day Someone will be born into your family,’ God promised them. ‘And he will bring happiness to the whole world.’
God was getting ready to give the whole world a wonderful present. It would be God’s way to tell his people, ‘I love you.”…
Who was he? God’s Son (Jesus), his only Son—the Son he loved. The Lamb of God.”
Thank you Lord for your one and only Son Jesus, the Lamb of God.
I do not think that my turning to this story was ironic or a coincidence. I think it was God blessing me. I think it was God patting me on the back saying “well done my good and faithful servant.” It was God confirming His love for me and that He truly is always with me.
At some point today God reminded me of a worship song that I love. I love the music and I love singing it but most of all I love the words. The song is Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63. The words are as follows;
Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
I just love this song. I often times belt it out in the car forcing myself to truly mean the words “Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name!”
What I thought about today and have many times before is that sometimes we have to choose to praise and bless God even though we don’t feel like it. Well, we don’t have to, but we can choose to because God is always worthy of our praise. For me singing this song is often an act of surrender. It is me saying, even though things suck right now, I am still going to choose to bless your name.
I felt like this morning in church was an act of surrender. And as I said above, it felt peaceful and right.
My family (hubby and daughter) are so wonderful. I have gotten so many fabulous hugs and kisses today that my physical touch love tank is overflowing. V gives the most adorable, sweet and loving hugs and kisses.
A couple of weeks ago in church I felt God challenging me with this question; “Will you still choose to love and serve me even if I don’t heal you?” I was pissed off by the question.
I had been spending a lot of time praying but God showed me that most of my prayers had been selfish. I had been asking for strength, help, and healing and not much else. I had not been praying and reading Scripture because I wanted to spend time with Him. Instead I had been going to Him to have Him help me make it through my days. God does want us to go to Him with our problems and ask Him for help. However, He also wants us to go to him just because we love him and want to be in his presence.
God really challenged me with that. He wanted to know what was more important, me being healed or me simply knowing Him? Was I willing to say that I wanted a relationship with God more than I wanted to be healed? No I was not, at least not that Sunday.
On that Sunday God reminded me of the story about the time God asked Abraham to take his only son (the son that he had waited years for, he was over 100 years old when he had Isaac) and offer him as a sacrifice. In the Old Testament before Jesus came to earth and died on the cross, people offered animals (usually lambs or goats) to God as sacrifices to atone for their sins. In this story God wanted to see who Abraham loved more, Him or his son Isaac. Just as Abraham was about to sacrifice his son God told him to STOP! It was a test of Abraham’s faith. God never intended for Abraham to kill Isaac. I felt like God showed me this story to illustrate to me his question for me. Did I care more about getting healthy and no longer suffering from depression than I cared about God himself? Again this question pissed me off. I felt like I should not have to choose between God and my health.
The Sunday God challenged me with this question was August 15th. It has been 3 weeks since then. I remember crying throughout worship because I was not ready to say “Yes Lord I choose you no matter what. Even if I stay depressed and suffer from Fibromyalgia I will still choose to love and serve you.”
Well today I was ready. I humbly prayed to God during worship, “I choose you Lord. I choose you. Even if I stay sick I still choose you. I don’t know how I will make it through but I know that with you I can do anything. I choose you Lord. I choose you.” I meant that prayer. I still do. I don’t believe that God wants me to stay depressed but I do believe that he wants me to want Him more than I want anything else, including health.
It felt good to surrender myself to God. It felt peaceful and right.
I read my daughter books before she went to bed tonight. We read from The Jesus Storybook Bible which is one of our favorites. The story that I happened to open up to was the story about when God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
A section from the story states,
“God helped Abraham and Isaac understand something. God wanted his people to live, not die. God wanted to rescue his people, not punish them. But they must trust him.
‘One day Someone will be born into your family,’ God promised them. ‘And he will bring happiness to the whole world.’
God was getting ready to give the whole world a wonderful present. It would be God’s way to tell his people, ‘I love you.”…
Who was he? God’s Son (Jesus), his only Son—the Son he loved. The Lamb of God.”
Thank you Lord for your one and only Son Jesus, the Lamb of God.
I do not think that my turning to this story was ironic or a coincidence. I think it was God blessing me. I think it was God patting me on the back saying “well done my good and faithful servant.” It was God confirming His love for me and that He truly is always with me.
At some point today God reminded me of a worship song that I love. I love the music and I love singing it but most of all I love the words. The song is Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63. The words are as follows;
Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
I just love this song. I often times belt it out in the car forcing myself to truly mean the words “Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name!”
What I thought about today and have many times before is that sometimes we have to choose to praise and bless God even though we don’t feel like it. Well, we don’t have to, but we can choose to because God is always worthy of our praise. For me singing this song is often an act of surrender. It is me saying, even though things suck right now, I am still going to choose to bless your name.
I felt like this morning in church was an act of surrender. And as I said above, it felt peaceful and right.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Sanity
Today has been really tough. I have cried at least four different times. I don’t understand the way I feel. I don’t understand why I am still struggling. I just can’t seem to handle even the slightest bit of stress. Life is full of stress so something is going to have to change. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I hate that.
It is one thing to spend the day at a program that focuses on getting healthy emotionally and mentally and have a really good day. It is totally different to be at home with all of life’s responsibilities, a challenging 3 year-old and I wonderful husband that I feel like I am constantly letting down. I pray and try to keep my thoughts positive and sane and for some reason I am STILL having such a hard time functioning. I don’t understand it. I cannot seem to function in the “real world”.
My depression and my anxiety seem to consume all of me and as hard as I try I can’t seem to break free from it. I just want to be normal and sane. I don’t need to be happy or fabulous. I just don’t want to feel overwhelmed and like I am “losing it” all of the time.
Tomorrow is another day. I sure hope I feel better. I hope I can control my emotions and thoughts better. I think I will focus on all I have to be thankful for.
Happy List (I am so grateful for……)
391. My wonderful hubby and daughter
392. Jesus is always with me
393. Feeling good on Friday
394. Got some info on Fibromyalgia and Adult Children of Alcoholics support groups
395. God is AWESOME
396. I am healing (not as quickly as I would like but I am healing)
397. I am not suicidal (there are many people who are and it breaks my heart!)
398. This world (earth) is not my final destination. I have heaven to look forward too.
399. My parents truly love me
400. WOW I have 400 things I am grateful for (granted some have been repeats)
401. Nurse G
402. I am not afraid to ask for help with my depression.
403. I felt full of joy on Friday
404. My blog has been helpful to other people
405. V gives great hugs and kisses
406. Laughter
407. Forgiveness
408. Rebecca
409. V’s adorable friends
It is one thing to spend the day at a program that focuses on getting healthy emotionally and mentally and have a really good day. It is totally different to be at home with all of life’s responsibilities, a challenging 3 year-old and I wonderful husband that I feel like I am constantly letting down. I pray and try to keep my thoughts positive and sane and for some reason I am STILL having such a hard time functioning. I don’t understand it. I cannot seem to function in the “real world”.
My depression and my anxiety seem to consume all of me and as hard as I try I can’t seem to break free from it. I just want to be normal and sane. I don’t need to be happy or fabulous. I just don’t want to feel overwhelmed and like I am “losing it” all of the time.
Tomorrow is another day. I sure hope I feel better. I hope I can control my emotions and thoughts better. I think I will focus on all I have to be thankful for.
Happy List (I am so grateful for……)
391. My wonderful hubby and daughter
392. Jesus is always with me
393. Feeling good on Friday
394. Got some info on Fibromyalgia and Adult Children of Alcoholics support groups
395. God is AWESOME
396. I am healing (not as quickly as I would like but I am healing)
397. I am not suicidal (there are many people who are and it breaks my heart!)
398. This world (earth) is not my final destination. I have heaven to look forward too.
399. My parents truly love me
400. WOW I have 400 things I am grateful for (granted some have been repeats)
401. Nurse G
402. I am not afraid to ask for help with my depression.
403. I felt full of joy on Friday
404. My blog has been helpful to other people
405. V gives great hugs and kisses
406. Laughter
407. Forgiveness
408. Rebecca
409. V’s adorable friends
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