The Storm

10-1-10


I can’t believe it is October. I can’t believe I turn 34 in twenty days. Where has my life gone? There were so many things I wanted to do. And then I got sick and depressed. Now I will be thrilled with simply not being depressed. I would be content simply serving God and my family. I don’t need any exciting adventures. I just want to be healthy and have enough energy to enjoy my family. I would really like to have another baby but I am not holding my breath. I need to be stable and healthy first and foremost.

It does not help that my daughter keeps talking about when we have a baby how she will be the big sister and we will do this and that. I am not ready to let go of the dream of having another baby but I am not holding on too tight either.

I was thinking the other day how this depression has been like a huge destructive storm. Now I have to work through the wreckage and try to repair all the damage that was done. My marriage, husband, daughter, family, friends, house, social life, dog, and more have all suffered from this storm. My husband loves me but he often does not know what to expect.

I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired. I need to go take a nap. Hopefully I will have time to do this later.

10-2-10

I am back. So back to the destructive depression storm, it has really done a number on my marriage. As I was saying above Nate does not know what to expect. As he drives home from work he is probably thinking about what he should expect. Is his wife depressed, anxious, stressed out, irritable, happy, stable, ready to explode etc…? That is tough on a person. It is difficult to live in the midst of instability and chaos. Nate has shut down in many areas of our marriage. Talking to me about his thoughts and feelings is not always safe. He is not sure if I will react rationally and maturely or if I will be self focused, defensive and insecure. Man I hate what depression does to me. I have worked so hard to draw Nate out of his old ways of not sharing feelings and then I go and get depressed forcing him back into his shell.

The wreckage of our marriage continues. When I am depressed I am focused on myself. I am simply trying to hold on and survive the day. So I have certainly not been filing Nate’s love tank very much. Many of his needs have been pushed aside. We have been using all of our energy to get me healthy that his health has suffered. A person can only take an irritable partner for so long before they start taking it personally. Even though it is not personal eventually Nate starts to get his feelings hurt. I don’t blame him. And then there is the terrible part where he has to watch me suffer (and cry A LOT) and he is not able to do anything to fix it. We as humans hate to watch those we love suffer. It especially hard to watch someone you see every day suffer so much day after day. He wants to fix it but he can’t and that can make him feel like a failure as a husband. He knows that he is not a failure but those feelings still come up sometimes.

There is a lot more that I could say about how depression has reeked havoc on my marriage but that is all I have energy for right now. It makes me sad. I am sad that we have so much repair work to do. But I am so so so grateful that I have a loving, committed, strong, loyal, faithful, patient husband who truly loves me and is in no way going to give up on me.

I am really tired lately. I think I am fighting a cold but mostly I think my body and mind are tired of this battle with depression. I could probably go to bed now and it is only 7:52 pm. It would not be the kind of depressed I need to escape my life sleep, rather true blue I am so tired and my body needs to get good rest kind of sleep. I even took a nap today.

Happy/Gratitude List

I am so thankful…

427. For laughing with V this morning

428. For V’s singing

429. For singing Camp Newaygo songs with V

430. That I am going to be going to Colorado to visit my sister and treasured friend in 19 days.

431. That my hubby still thinks I am sexy

432. That it is fall. I love fall.

433. That my daughter LOVES to cuddle. I love to cuddle too.

434. For laughter in general

435. For chick flicks

436. For my warm snugly bed

437. For yummy waffles

438. For the silly dancing my daughter and I do together

439. For facebook

440. My wonderful friends

I realize that many of the things on my list are repeats of things I have said before but it is still fun to keep a running tab off all the things that I am and have been thankful for.