Still Tired

My heart is heavy and sad. I feel overwhelmed. Why do I have such a hard time being strong, energetic, stable, consistent and healthy?

Being a mom is a challenging job. I don’t expect to be perfect but I do want to be great. I want to protect my little girl’s mind and heart from all the bad things in the world until she is old enough to take them on with confidence. I want to raise her to be polite, KIND, considerate, gracious, CONFIDENT, full of hope and full of the knowledge that God loves her more than she could ever imagine.

I am tired.

I am tired of still struggling with depression. I am tired of STILL struggling to be stable, calm, patient, confident and strong. I am tired of being tired and having no energy. I don’t understand why I can’t just keep “it” together. I am so tired. And I just had a wonderful weekend away with my sister and fabulous friend. So why am I so tired?

I have been doing better lately. But not better enough. I am still in need of so much help and healing. I feel so weak. Why can’t I just pull myself together once and for all?

I hurt. I ache. I am sad and overwhelmed.

I want to have standards for how I raise my daughter. I do have some standards. But often times I am so tired that I compromise.

I don’t want to be a burden.

I don’t want to hurt anymore.

My psychiatrist took me off one of my antidepressants (Paxil) because of the side effects. It was causing anxiety, libido and urinary issues. It has also been making it extremely hard for me to fall asleep at night. Maybe that is why I am so tired. Anyway I was torn about going off the medicine because I have been doing a lot better as far as depression goes.

I was visiting my sister and she shared her concern for me going off it as well. She has noticed a big difference in me the past couple of weeks. And now here I am crying and feeling overwhelmed.

Granted when I was with her this weekend I had no stress and no responsibilities. I was on vacation. I could do whatever I wanted, sleep in and focus on having fun. Now I am home. I have an extremely messy house to try to clean up, thank you notes to write, meals to make and self care stuff (journaling, praying, exercising, relaxation, cognitive exercises and reading my Bible) to do. I have social commitments to meet, family to see and a husband to love and support. I also have a daughter who has a bit of an attitude problem. She is into being defiant and argumentative with her father and me. Don’t get me wrong, she is sweet, fun and is almost always delightful for other people. She is just extremely into challenging us. It takes so much energy to be consistent and not put up with disrespectful and unacceptable behavior. I feel tired and inadequate most of the time.

So is the medicine change the problem? Am I the problem? I hate this damn problem.

I just went into my daughter’s room to sing her some songs as I rubbed her back. I sang her the song All In ALL.

The first verse and chorus are as follows:

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all

When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name

“I feel weak God. Will you please be my strength?” I believe that God’s name is worthy of being praised. I believe he has a plan for me. I just don’t understand this damn depression.

I definitely think that there are some things in life that we just won’t understand. God created the heavens and the earth, his mind is much larger than mine. I often cannot see the big picture and he can.

“But God I am tired. I do need you. I do need your strength because I am feeling very weak. I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I don’t know how to do everything that needs to get done. I have shortened my “to do” list to the bare minimum and I still cannot handle it all. Please help me. Please give me wisdom. Please give me energy. Please make the hurt stop. Please be with me right now as I am crying. Please oh Lord, please…..”

I went to my mom group this morning. The women in my group are amazing. They love me, love God and love being moms. We are all in agreement that parenting is a really really challenging task.

I know that many people would say that I need to relax and that I am doing a fine job raising V. That she is ok. The problem is that I don’t want to do just a fine job. I want to do an excellent job. I have chosen to be a mommy as my full time job (all moms are full time I have just chosen to make it my day job too). And this depression is really getting in the way of my desire to be a great mom. It would be getting in the way of me being an insurance agent too if that were my day job. It is causing problems in all areas of my life. I hate it. I want it gone. Arggg now I am getting frustrated.

Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. I can start over again.

Thank you to all of you who have listened to me ramble. I am sad tonight. But God is still good. Tomorrow is another day. Thank God!