The Storm Part II

Arrgg the depression storm rages on. But I have been seeing some calmer weather lately.

I was thinking on the way home from my therapy appointment about how truly blessed I am to have the friendships that I do. I was thinking about how I have not had energy to take care of or bless anyone else lately. Depression is selfish. I am very selfish when I am depressed. I was thinking about how much my depression has affected my family (Nate, V, parents, etc…). And then my thoughts drifted to my friends. I know that I have not been a great friend lately but I don’t feel like a bad one either.

I realized how very blessed I am to have friends who truly love me for who I am. They have not put expectations on me. They love me right now while I am not easy to love even though I have nothing to offer them in return. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends. I do not know what I would have done without you. There have been times that I have felt burdensome but you have reminded me that I am not a burden to you. Thank you. I must say it again, thank you. I have tears in my eyes but they are happy tears, tears of blessing and joy. I feel so very grateful that I have not destroyed any friendships during this dreadful time in my life. Granted I have not nurtured many of my relationships but I have not damaged them too much either. I am looking forward to being healthy so that I can bless the socks off all of you fabulous friends. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me.

Back to my family and how they have weathered this storm. To my parents, step-parents and sister, I cannot imagine how difficult it has been for you to see me like this. I know that my heart would break if I saw V suffering the way that I have been. My heart would break. I would ache and want to do anything and everything I could do to fix it. Thank you for hurting along with me and loving me through this. I know that it is hard for you to not be able to fix it but I hope that you are encouraged by the fact that I will never give up. I will never ever give up fighting for my health, peace and joy. Depression is a battle I am determined to win.

To my wonderful hubby…thank you, a million times thank you. You have loved, encouraged, and helped me so much during this long and brutal battle. You too have wanted to fix it. And I know that it has broken your heart to not be able to fix “it” (my depression). Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your constant love and support. I love you so very much. I don’t just love you but I am in love with you. We are strong as a couple and so very committed. I am so thankful that we have had each other for the past almost 10 years.

Well I have deviated from my subject some. I had been talking about all the damage the depression storm has caused. Damage that I wish I could change but I cannot. Damage that I admit responsibility for but am desperately trying not to feel guilty about.

My poor sweet adorable daughter has suffered. She has missed her Mommy. Life has been unstable and toddlers thrive in stability and routine. She is very clingy right now and frequently wants cuddles. She will look up at me with her big brown eyes, with a partial pout on her face and say “Cuddles? I need cuddles.” She does the same to her daddy. She is very smart so she has also learned to manipulate us with the request for cuddles. She also frequently says to me, “I miss you Mommy.” Man has she learned that saying that gets my attention. It just pulls at my heart strings and I feel regret for all the time that I have been away from her lately. She wants to stay home pretty much all the time. She simply wants to be home with me and not off with other people. She has been able to be home more lately but I am still not well enough to care for her full time. I am sorry baby. I regret that I have not been able to be there for you as much as I would have liked to over this past year. I love you so much. I won’t stop fighting. Your Mommy is fighter and you are especially worth fighting for.

I had originally mentioned that my house, social life and dog have also suffered from this storm. I think they will recover. It is not the end of the world if my house is a mess. I really want to get it cleaned up because life is much more peaceful when the space you live in is not chaotic and messy. I am realizing that it is not going to happen overnight. I want it clean NOW but I will have to settle for a little bit at a time. I keep telling myself that a little less mess is better than no improvement at all. It is still hard to accept. I want what I want and I want it now. Wow that certainly sounded selfish.

As for my social life and dog they will recover also. As the storm rages on hopefully it will become less threatening and more docile. It takes time to heal. But I am confident that healing will come. Thank you Lord for helping me through this storm.

Happy List for 10-7-10

I am so thankful for…..

441. The beautiful fall day we had today
442. My new hair cut
443. Our freshly vacuumed floor
444. Good friends, R and M, coming over tomorrow (Yay swing set, lunch outside, tricycle riding and good conversation for me.
445. The surprise blessing that I got from my friend J yesterday. Her kindness and sincerity touched my aching heart.
446. J’s willingness to help however she can
447. Not needing crutches or knee scooter anymore.
448. My ankle is almost being better. Just a couple of more weeks in the air cast.
449. Visiting my sister and fabulous friend Meg in Colorado in 14 days
450. Getting to see my beloved friend Bethany from college in 10 days (She lives far away but will be visiting Michigan next week.)
451. God is always being with me
452. Emily making me laugh yesterday
453. My sunshine Sandi who I got to talk to yesterday
454. V’s room is picked up (not organized but picked up)
455. My clean clothes are hanging in the closet
456. The yummy rice we had for dinner (thanks for cooking Nate)
457. The fact that “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” –Philippians 4:13
458. That I am feeling a bit better
459. The fact that I can be “strong in the Lord and in his mighty power” –Ephesians 6:10
460. Yummy ice cream
461. A restful night of sleep last night
462. The wise words I got from my friend K yesterday
463. Hope