Feeling Ok

Wow it has actually been fourteen days since I have written. That is both a good and a bad sign. The good part is that I had a pretty good week last week. I felt somewhat normal. Yay normal! The bad part is that I let myself get out of the habit of doing something that is very good for me, something that is therapeutic and a healthy way to cope with my depression.

I spent a great deal of energy (mental, emotional and physical) and time filling out paperwork last week for my disability application. Let’s see….emotionally…..I felt a great myriad of emotions. I felt weak, defeated, needy, sad, heartbroken, hopeful, optimistic and unsettled. It was and is an extremely humbling process. I hate that I have to reach out for so much help extending as far as the government. I felt like I was admitting defeat by applying. I felt like I was letting depression win and I simply cannot have that. However have learned a great deal (and I am sure will continue to learn) throughout this process. I want what is best for my family. My medical bills are very large. I am a stay at home mom who has had to have her child in child-care. My illness has been disabling. As much as I don’t want to ask for help I simply must for the sake of my family.

This process has also affected me physically. It has drained me of so much energy. I have spent many hours sitting at the desk working on the computer. My “feeling good” time is like a rare jewel right now. I need to guard it, protect it and carefully choose who gets to have it. Spending hours on the computer is not how I wanted to spend my precious “feeling good” time. Oh well. I am done for now.

Mentally…..ahhhh mentally. I feel like a drained car battery, like someone left the light on inside overnight and now I am having trouble starting. It took so much out of me to put together coherent thoughts and sentences that I am really quite exhausted now. Thankfully I received a lot of help from my wonderful husband. My memory is terrible so I also relied on my charts at my doctor’s offices. I got to make many calls to my many doctors to compile the information that I did not remember.

So now that process is done. At least for now. Phew.

However I am still dealing with the emotional ramifications. And where does God fit into all of this? Is disability a way that He wants to provide for my family? Am I trusting Him to heal me like I should be? I need to rephrase that, am I trusting God the way I want to be? And the way He wants me to?

I saw my therapist today. He said that he can tell I am doing better by the way I present myself. I did only cry twice today. Yesterday was a very hard day. I cried a lot. But last week I went several days without crying. Yipeeeeeeee!

I went to my moms group this morning. It was nice to see everyone. Although it was very hard when people asked how my summer was. I did not know how to answer. If I answered by saying “terrible, I have been horribly depressed, my daughter has been in childcare and every area of my life is suffering because of this damn persistent depression” I would have left folks speechless. I know that the women who asked truly cared but at the same time it was not the time to be totally honest. So I simply said “ok.”

So I am doing ok. Ok is better than bad, terrible, or yucky. I will take ok. I am ok with ok right now.