Feels Good

I am feeling much better today. There were certainly a lot less tears.

I am frustrated with myself because instead of starting to write an hour ago like I had planned I spent an hour getting lost on my friends beautiful (full of photos and fun) blog. So now I am tired and I am not sure how much energy I have to write.

Anyway…..I saw the psychiatrist at the hospital day program that I am attending and was frustrated further when I found out that she planned to have me discharged today so that I could meet with another psychiatrist (the doc who did my ECT treatments) on Tuesday (since Monday is Labor day) and then immediately start ECT.

WAIT A MINUTE!!!!

I did not agree to that nor do I feel like it is the right course of action. Thankfully I was not as tearful today and was able to convey my thoughts and feelings clearly. I do not want to do more ECT right now. I want to stay in the program and learn as much as I can about myself, my illness and how I can continue to get healthy. I also want to give the new medicine more time to work. And if this one does not work I would like to try more medication combinations before I go right back to ECT.

I expressed my frustration to the nurse (nurse G) in the program. It felt great to be able to express myself clearly. Nurse G was very happy to see me feeling better today. She said that I seemed liked a different person. Yes, I agree. I am a different person when I am not depressed. It is not me to be blah, sad, negative, hopeless, and feeling like I wanted to give up. I am an optimistic, positive, fun, spunky and hopeful person who believes that God has a plan for my life.

I have to admit that I was a bit annoyed that everyone was so worried about me crying so much yesterday. This in an intense program where the staff works aggressively to try to help the patients get well so that they can go on with their lives and live life well. I know that there is no way that I was the first person who cried most of the day.

Oh well, no big deal. It is also the job of the staff to watch us closely to make sure that we (the patients) are not going to hurt ourselves or anyone else. I understand that.

I am just glad that I was able to clearly lay out what I do and do not want as far as my treatment goes. I may be struggling with depression and feel like I am crazy at times but I am not crazy. I do have a good idea of what is best for me and my treatment. And thank goodness they listened. If they had not listened to me I think Nate may have marched in there and given the psychiatrist a piece of his (and my) mind. I sure love my man. He is the best.

I felt like me today. I felt like I was capable of helping others and not simply hanging on myself. Part of group therapy is sharing with one another our struggles as well as wisdom that we have gleaned from our experiences. I have been through a lot of crap. I have dealt with depression for over a decade. It felt great to be able to encourage some of the other folks in the program in their journey to wellness.

One of the things that I hate the most about depression is that it is so self focused. I hate that. I don’t want to be a selfish person. I want to be a giving, sharing and helpful person who serves others rather than draining them. I want to be like Jesus. He was a servant who truly loved all the people he came in contact with. He did not judge them. He loved them and met their needs. (I am not saying that God does not have standards and that Jesus condoned bad behavior. He did however; love the person no matter what kind life they had lived.)

Well that is enough for now. I am tired and I am not sure what else I want to write about. There is so much to say but I am not sure how to organize it. I think that is a sign that I need to go to bed.

I do want to say thank you to all of you who read my blog and who are walking with me on this journey to health. I hope and pray that others are blessed by my honesty. I think one of the worst parts about depression is that those of us who have this illness feel like we are all alone.

Many people are afraid to tell others they are struggling for fear of being seen as weak or lazy. There is still a stigma out there about mental illness. Not only is it therapeutic for me to write about my journey but I hope that it educates others about the fact that depression truly is a disease. I would love to shout from the mountain tops to all the depressed folks that they are NOT ALONE in their suffering. And to everyone else; WE ARE NOT WEAK, we are just hurting and we need your support and not your criticism.

It takes a lot of hard work to heal from depression. There is not magic pill to take. Medication is an important part treating depression. Medication can help the brain start functioning correctly again. But there are also a lot of lifestyle changes that need to be made. I (we) need to learn to love and forgive ourselves. I (we) need to choose to think positively and NOT allow negative thoughts invade our minds. We must bravely choose to face the events of our past that may have contributed to our illness. Those of us who are fighting depression are extremely courageous. If you are struggling with depression (whoever you may be) you are not alone, you are extremely brave, and you will make it through this!