Not Alone

I cannot believe that it is September. I thought that I would for sure be better by June. I hoped for May but by June for sure. Here we are three months later. I am still struggling with and fighting depression. I have not given up but I am weary. I am so tired.

I started a partial-hospitalization program at Sparrow this week. It is intense. It is called an intensive program so by nature it is supposed to be intense. It is pretty tough coming home to the responsibilities of being a wife, mom and home owner. I have very little energy and not much to give (at least it feels that way). But that is life. I cannot press the pause button just because I am struggling with depression AGAIN.

I cried from about 9:15 am until 1:00 pm today. I think I worried the program people. The psychiatrists (a new one and the old one who did my ECT before) want to do more ECT. I don’t know what I think about that. Nate and I don’t feel they worked that well. However the doctor reminded me that at the time of the treatments I reported that I was feeling better. They did help at the time but I need a long term solution (treatment) to this stinking problem (illness). I (and Nate) am not sure if it is worth the money and possible memory loss to do more ECT. The psychiatrist explained that some people need to have maintenance ECT done, like one every month. That seems like an awful lot of brain shocking to me. I am not ready to jump back into that means of treatment yet. We shall see.

The psychologist in charge of the program is pushy. I suppose that is a good thing. If they are going to help you in five days they need to push their way into your problems so they can help you deal with them. He has pissed me off a couple of times. That’s ok. What I don’t like is that I feel he is rushing me. I also feel like sometimes he jumps to conclusions and does not fully listen to me. It is group therapy so to some extent he needs to “rush” me to keep things moving so that all the folks get their time to share. He suggested that maybe since the medicine and ECT have not worked that I have deeper “issues” that I need to deal with. Great! I would love to be off medicine and not have more ECT. What are the issues? Please tell me so I can deal with them. It is too bad that it is not that easy. It is interesting that the psychologist and the psychiatrist are thinking two different things. I don’t know what to think. I know that I am sick and that I desperately want to be well.

I also know that God is with me. I know that he has been with me every step of the way. Today in one of our groups the leader asked me to address a statement made by a patient because she thought I was more spiritual than her. He was saying that he would like to feel close to God again. I tried my best to explain that I think that God is always with us. His word, the holy Scriptures tell us that He will never leave or forsake us. I also said that I totally understood how he feels and that I have been angry at God at times. I don’t understand exactly why I have been suffering so much or why this man has either but I do KNOW that God is with me right now and has not left me for one minute. I asked him if he had ever heard of the Footsteps poem. I talked about how in the poem the person sees only one set of footsteps and thinks that God has left him. In reality God had been carrying him during those difficult times. I just looked it up on line so I could print it off for him. I think it is very poignant and full of truth. I have included it below.

Footprints in the Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936

We later talked about how God will use what we are going through to help others some day. I know that God can use the most terrible parts of our life and turn them into something good, like us helping someone else who is hurting. However, I don’t think that we (I) should tell someone that when they are in the middle of their suffering. It is not helpful and can often be hurtful. When you feel like shit you just want someone to listen to you or hug you and NOT tell you how God will use it for good one day. When we are in the middle of a storm all we see is the dark cloud, raging wind, roaring waves, sharp lightening, and pounding rain. Later after the storm has calmed down and the sun peaks out from behind the clouds is when we are ready to see the rainbow. It is then and only then that we are able to learn about how God can bring good out of our suffering.

So now what? I am in this program. I am eager to get well. God is with me. I am not alone. ECT or no ECT? I just don’t know. I suppose God knows. What I do know is that I am READY TO BE BETTER.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."
--Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version)