Thoughts

I feel the need to write even though I already wrote once today. I am feeling unsettled. But first my gratitude list:

Happy List, I am so thankful for...

366. Getting a roll-about (knee scooter) so that I do not have to use crutches anymore!
367. Feeling less depressed
368. Helpful doctors
369. Blogging
370. My friend is being honored in a wonderful way and is going to have her talent displayed for many people to see.
371. V’s Nana and Dziadek (Ja Ja) got a clubhouse and small pool for her to play in when she is at their house.
372. The Footprints in the Sand poem
373. My parents have been helping a lot since I sprained my ankle (and throughout the depression struggle)
374. V’s pediatrician’s office is great
375. Good health insurance that is making it possible for me to attend the partial-hospitalization program for depression and anxiety.
376. Great phone date with cherished friend the other night
377. So many wonderful friends are helping watch V while I go to the day program
378. V has SO many people who love her
379. My Jesus Calling devotional book rocks!
380. God is so very close to me right now
381. Laughing with my daughter
382. Learning new stress relief techniques
383. Ice….it is helping my ouchy foot
384. God is ALWAYS with me
385. V is very healthy
386. Nate is incredibly faithful and supportive. I am so blessed to have him.
387. We have air conditioning
388. My church family and other friends and are praying for me every day. Thank you!
389. The activity therapist in the program I am in does an excellent job coming up with creative activities to help us heal.
390. The dedicated caring people who run the program that I am attending.
391. I have the Holy Spirit living in me giving me strength and power every day. (Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. –Ephesians 6:10)

So why am I unsettled? Irritable? Struggling? I don’t know exactly. I am frustrated that the psychiatrist at the hospital program who thinks that since we have tried all the medications that ECT is our only hope. I am not totally against ECT but I don’t think it is our only hope. I think we can try different combinations of medications. I (we) know that one anti-depressant medication does not alleviate my depression. I used to take two that worked well together. They stopped working. But we can try other combinations.

Or……..maybe I do have some deep buried issue that needs to be resolved that is the cause of my depression. I don’t know. I do know that I am willing to do whatever (and I really mean whatever) it takes to get healthy.

Someone said something interesting to me today. The nurse (at the program) suggested that I need to work on forgiveness. I told her that I am pretty good at forgiving people. She said yes, but that I needed to work on forgiving myself. Interesting. I am not very easy on myself. In fact I am quite critical of myself. I like myself. I like the non depressed Carly. I think I am mad at myself for being depressed. Maybe I need to forgive myself for being sick. I think I blame myself for my Fibromyalgia too. I need to forgive myself for that and all of the other things that I think I need to be doing but am not doing. God tells us to forgive others but I have not really put that into practice with myself. Interesting.

I compare myself to others too much. I compare myself to the moms who are healthy (who don’t have fibromyalgia and depression) and I am so hard on myself because I am not doing half of what they are doing. But the truth is; I am doing the best that I can. I am a good mom and a pretty good wife. I would like to be doing more with my life. However, if I am able to love and know God, and be a good wife and mom than I think I am doing ok. I need to learn to be ok with that.

God loves me for exactly who I am not what I do. He is ok with me just being me. I don’t have to be “doing” things to earn his love. He loves me because I am his child, his masterpiece that he created, and because I am Carly Rachel Pastuszka Zechar.

I need to learn to be ok with just “being”. That is a difficult thing to do because everyone around me is “doing”. Society and people judge others by their accomplishments. But honestly, when V looks back on her childhood is she going to care more about all the “stuff” I did or about who I was? Is she going to remember if the house was clean or if I sat and played with her every day? I would like to do both but I need to learn to be ok with what I can do. I need to learn to be ok with who I am within the limitations I have due to my health. This is much easier said than done.

The activity therapist at the hospital program I am in had us do a really neat activity. She had us make a tool kit for self repair. The kit included a hammer (things to do to take care of myself physically), screwdriver (things that bring peace), pliers (creative expression), wrench (my support system), level (my hobbies and talents), scrapper (ways I help others), and duct tape (positive affirmations about myself). She had cut out each of these tools and had us write about things in the above categories on them. The idea is that when we are struggling we can go back to this tool kit and be reminded of what we can do to help ourselves, how we help others, what we like to do and how great we really are.

I had a hard time filing in the scrapper which was ways that I help others. I have felt so useless lately. But there are things that I give to others. I am always willing to give a hug, an encouraging word, a compliment, sympathy, my love, wisdom and big smile. I wish I did more for others but I suppose that will have to be enough right now.

I also realized that I need to come up with some new hobbies and cultivate some new talents. Many of the hobbies I had are no longer possible due to my health (running, snowboarding, hiking and camping). I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar. Maybe I could do that.

I was also very grateful that I had several names of people to fill in on my wrench (my support system). I am very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. When I think about it…..I would not have such great people in my life if I was not pretty great also. We (people) tend to pick friends who are of the same caliber as we are. I have some awesome friends. So if I look at that objectively, it is logical that I must be a pretty darn good friend too. I don’t feel like I am but I must be otherwise I would not have such excellent friends.

I would like to find some more creative outlets. I also need to find some extra energy to explore those outlets but one thing at a time I suppose. Baby steps Carly, one step at a time.

The activity therapist also had us make a grief and loss chart. I am realizing that I have not really looked at my poor health (fibromyalgia and depression) as a loss. But it truly is and I need to grieve that loss. I have felt silly and selfish for being sad about not being able to run or snow board anymore. After all it is not like I have cancer or anything. But the truth is that many of my dreams are no longer possible (at least right now) because of my health. That is a HUGE loss that I need to grieve.

I am just starting to let myself get angry about this loss. I am pissed off that I cannot do what I used to do, that I cannot do many of the things that I loved doing. I am pissed that I cannot run around in the park with V without being in tremendous pain. I am pissed that we cannot go on long camping trips because my body can’t handle sleeping on anything other than our special bed with it’s special fibromyalgia specific padding (the Cuddle Ewe). I am pissed that both depression and fibromyalgia have robbed me of so much energy. Energy that I could have used to visit friends, do things with my family, work a job and contribute financially, have more babies, be involved in youth ministry (which is something that I was extremely passionate about) and be the person I want to be.

I have such limited energy and that pisses me off. I feel like I have so little energy that needs to be spread so very far. Oh well. Again, I need to learn to be ok with myself. I need to learn to be ok with the limitations that I have and enjoy everything that I can do. I have so much to be grateful for. I am truly a blessed woman.

A prayer to the awesome God I choose to serve:

“God you are truly good and loving. Thank you for blessing me with my family and friends. Thank you for loving me so completely. I believe that you are in the process of healing me and that I will be healed. I believe that I am your child whom you will never leave or forsake. Thank you for giving me the courage to face this darn depression. Please continue to give me the strength to move forward with this healing process. Please give my doctors wisdom and ideas on how to treat my illness. I trust you Lord. I trust that you have plans for me, big plans, and exciting plans and that the suffering I am enduring right now is not for nothing. I choose to praise you even when I don’t feel like it. I choose to praise you because you are always worthy of praise. You are the victorious glorious God, the king of all kings, the Lord of Lords, and the one true God. Thank you God for all that” you have given me and done for me. It is in the name of Jesus that I pray.”