Trusting God

Today has been a challenging day. I felt frusterated, sad, confussed, wise, compassionate, angry, joyful, hopeless and hopeful all within the span of about four hours.

All of the group therapy time was spent on the other members today. We have five now but tomorrow we will be down to four. As I listened I felt many of the feelings I described above.

One woman was raped (brutally) at the age of 13. She became pregnant, had the baby and gave him up for adoption. Her parents discouraged her from pressing charges. They also have not talked about it at all over the years. It has been like the shameful elephant in the closet. My heart broke for her on many levels. Although I think the most damaging part of the whole ordeal was that her parents were too ashamed to press charges or talk about what happened through the years.

Another woman was molested by her step-father from the ages of 9 to 15. Her two younger sisters were molested as well. Apparently her mom had no idea about it until her younger sister acted out. Then at the age of 16 this woman was raped. All of this happened 16 years ago and she is still extremely angry. She has no desire to forgive her perpetrators. I am sad for her because the anger is eating her up inside.

The third young woman in the group just got out of an abusive relationship where the man hit her and treated her like crap. (There is also a very nice man in our group but his story is not relevant right now.)

And then there is me…..

I have dealt with some difficult things in my life. I have been hurt but I have worked through all of that, forgiven and moved on. Sure my life is not perfect. I have realized that I need to work on forgiving myself for being sick and for not being able to do what most everyone else around me is doing. I have also learned that I need be more patient with myself. But for the most part I feel loved and supported by all of my family and friends. I have an amazing husband (who cherishes, supports, hugs, loves me unconditionally, listens and who continually serves me) and daughter who adore me. There are no immediate stressors other than the normal day to day stuff. Each of these women have specific things that they can point to that is casusing their depression. I do not. I am depressed and I don’t know why.

My regular psychiatrist would say that it is the chemical imbalance in my brain. I agree. But why is it so hard to treat? Well….he would say that I have treatment resistant depression and we just have to keep trying to find the right medications to correct the imbalance. My therapist agrees with this. In the mean time I am TIRED of being depressed and I am working really hard on doing things to help myself get better.

The nurse at the program suggested that I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. So I will go. I am told to exercise so I have been and I will start up again as soon as my ankle has healed. I am told to meditate and/or pray and I do. I am frustrated, sad and confussed about why I am still struggling with depression. The psychiatrist at the program was not very helpful. In fact it was after I saw her that I started crying and feeling frustrated. I am not a big fan of her.

On my lunch break I called my regular therapist (that I see every week) and he took time out of his lunch break to talk with me. I was crying about how frustrated I was/am with this damn depression still lingering on. He listened to me, encouraged me, offered suggestions and prayed with me. I am so thankful that I was able to call him and to gain some perspective. He is wise, kind, challenging, thoughtful and very good at his job. I am extremely blessed to have a talented well educated therapist who respects and shares my faith.

God blessed me through my devotional Jesus Calling this morning.

The September 8 entry is as follows:

ACCEPT EACH DAY exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.

(Based on the Scriptures, Psalm 42:5, 2 Corinthians 13:4 and Jeremiah 31.25)

Thanks God for speaking right to me! I love how it says to not only accept your circumstances but also the condition of your body (hello sprained ankle, fibromyalgia pain and depression). God had been teaching me a great deal about relying on Him. It has not been an easy lesson but I am beginning to see that depending on Him and doing things His way is the best way to go.

P.S. I wrote about hate the other day. I want to say that I am against hating people. However, sometimes circumstances are worthy of our hatred. Also hating something or someone drains us of a lot of energy. It is energy that we cannot get back so it is much better to deal with whatever (or whoever) you are hating so that you can move on and live a joy filled life.

Happy List

I am so thankful…
422. For my amazing, thoughtful, wonderful and caring therapist. He rocks!
423. That I have been spared from some of the pain that the women in my group have endured.
424. That I can honestly say that I have forgiven those who have hurt me (still working on myself) and I am free because of it.
425. That I love-love-LOVE my husband.
426. That I can trust God and trust that He loves me more than I could ever imagine.