I Choose You Lord

Today was a bit better than yesterday. Not quite so many tears. Actually I only cried in church and they were tears of joy and peace. However, I have been in a lot of physically pain. My sprained ankle is bothering me as well as many other body parts due to the Fibromyalgia.

My family (hubby and daughter) are so wonderful. I have gotten so many fabulous hugs and kisses today that my physical touch love tank is overflowing. V gives the most adorable, sweet and loving hugs and kisses.

A couple of weeks ago in church I felt God challenging me with this question; “Will you still choose to love and serve me even if I don’t heal you?” I was pissed off by the question.

I had been spending a lot of time praying but God showed me that most of my prayers had been selfish. I had been asking for strength, help, and healing and not much else. I had not been praying and reading Scripture because I wanted to spend time with Him. Instead I had been going to Him to have Him help me make it through my days. God does want us to go to Him with our problems and ask Him for help. However, He also wants us to go to him just because we love him and want to be in his presence.

God really challenged me with that. He wanted to know what was more important, me being healed or me simply knowing Him? Was I willing to say that I wanted a relationship with God more than I wanted to be healed? No I was not, at least not that Sunday.

On that Sunday God reminded me of the story about the time God asked Abraham to take his only son (the son that he had waited years for, he was over 100 years old when he had Isaac) and offer him as a sacrifice. In the Old Testament before Jesus came to earth and died on the cross, people offered animals (usually lambs or goats) to God as sacrifices to atone for their sins. In this story God wanted to see who Abraham loved more, Him or his son Isaac. Just as Abraham was about to sacrifice his son God told him to STOP! It was a test of Abraham’s faith. God never intended for Abraham to kill Isaac. I felt like God showed me this story to illustrate to me his question for me. Did I care more about getting healthy and no longer suffering from depression than I cared about God himself? Again this question pissed me off. I felt like I should not have to choose between God and my health.

The Sunday God challenged me with this question was August 15th. It has been 3 weeks since then. I remember crying throughout worship because I was not ready to say “Yes Lord I choose you no matter what. Even if I stay depressed and suffer from Fibromyalgia I will still choose to love and serve you.”

Well today I was ready. I humbly prayed to God during worship, “I choose you Lord. I choose you. Even if I stay sick I still choose you. I don’t know how I will make it through but I know that with you I can do anything. I choose you Lord. I choose you.” I meant that prayer. I still do. I don’t believe that God wants me to stay depressed but I do believe that he wants me to want Him more than I want anything else, including health.

It felt good to surrender myself to God. It felt peaceful and right.

I read my daughter books before she went to bed tonight. We read from The Jesus Storybook Bible which is one of our favorites. The story that I happened to open up to was the story about when God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
A section from the story states,

“God helped Abraham and Isaac understand something. God wanted his people to live, not die. God wanted to rescue his people, not punish them. But they must trust him.

‘One day Someone will be born into your family,’ God promised them. ‘And he will bring happiness to the whole world.’

God was getting ready to give the whole world a wonderful present. It would be God’s way to tell his people, ‘I love you.”…

Who was he? God’s Son (Jesus), his only Son—the Son he loved. The Lamb of God.”

Thank you Lord for your one and only Son Jesus, the Lamb of God.

I do not think that my turning to this story was ironic or a coincidence. I think it was God blessing me. I think it was God patting me on the back saying “well done my good and faithful servant.” It was God confirming His love for me and that He truly is always with me.

At some point today God reminded me of a worship song that I love. I love the music and I love singing it but most of all I love the words. The song is Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63. The words are as follows;

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

I just love this song. I often times belt it out in the car forcing myself to truly mean the words “Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name!”

What I thought about today and have many times before is that sometimes we have to choose to praise and bless God even though we don’t feel like it. Well, we don’t have to, but we can choose to because God is always worthy of our praise. For me singing this song is often an act of surrender. It is me saying, even though things suck right now, I am still going to choose to bless your name.

I felt like this morning in church was an act of surrender. And as I said above, it felt peaceful and right.