Dog Poop

Written Friday 9-10-10

I don’t really feel like writing but I know that I need to. I am tired and I really just want to chill out. Today was a very hard day. I cried A LOT.

I was already struggling when my dog escaped out of our backyard. It is fenced in but she went under the fence. After calling for her in the backyard I hobbled out the front door to call for her. No luck. I left the door open just in case by some stroke of luck she would waltz back in the door. As I was tearfully trying to figure how I was going to go look for her with my sprained ankle I heard someone at the open front door. A nice young police officer woman found Jenny-Dog and had kindly brought her back to me. She asked me if I was ok several times since it was obvious I had been crying. I did my best to assure her I was ok (while inside my head I was thinking, “no I am not ok. I have been struggling with this damn depression for months now and I am tired of it.”) I am grateful she was not hit by a car.

The best part of the Jenny-Dog escape ordeal is that she came home covered in poop. Yup the dog rolled in crap and was very proud of the ways she smelled. I put her outside on her chain while I tried to figure out how I was going to give her a bath while balancing on one foot. As if I was not already having a hard time? I really didn’t need the dog to roll in poop to add to the fun of the day. Thankfully my husband came home at lunch and brought her crate up from the basement. That way I could put her in the crate (keeping her off the carpet and furniture) until Nate got home from work. Giving the dog a bath was one of the last things Nate wanted to do tonight but I am so thankful that he did it. Someone had to.

I am really crabby. And I really don’t want to write but I don’t want to get out of the habit of writing because it is so therapeutic for me.

I had my last day at the hospital program yesterday. My insurance would have paid for 3 more days but I felt like I had gotten all that I could get out of it. Plus the program is based on group therapy. I was not enjoying the current group. There was a lot of negativity with the remaining members. I did not feel that it would be beneficial for me to be around the nearly constant complaining about the men who had wronged them. The use of profanity was also nearly constant.

On top of that I was feeling confused and frustrated with the psychiatrist telling me one thing and the psychologist telling me something else. I did not totally agree with either one of them. Also the psychologist talked to us for a long time about how he thinks forgiveness is overrated. He thinks that we do not need to forgive the people who have hurt us ever. I disagree for several reasons. Mostly I disagree because I think that when we forgive the person who has hurt us we are free to move on and are no longer in bondage to the ager we felt toward that person. I have other reasons for disagreeing but as I said above I do not really feel like writing. Maybe another day.

I did learn some very good things at the program.

1. I need to forgive myself for being sick and not being the person I thought I would be.
2. I need to lower my expectations of myself at least for right now. When I am healthy again I can aim to do more.
3. Instead of focusing on what I cannot do I need to focus on what I can do.
4. I am in the process of grieving my lost health and dreams. It is ok to be sad about that sometimes.

I think there is more that I have learned but my head is fuzzy right now. So I am going to stop writing and chill out. We have a lot to do tomorrow. I need to be refreshed and energized.