He's There

I am feeling quite a bit better today. V is home with me because she has a little cold (I think—maybe allergies). I think I am doing ok because I have to be ok for my little girl. She starts pre-school today. I definitely did not want to miss that!!!! I sure hope she does not have a fever because she will have to miss her first day of school if she does.

Anyway, I saw my regular psychiatrist today. He is optimistic that we can find the right medication combination for me. Phew! He agrees that I should not jump back into ECT treatments. He likes that I have an open mind about different kinds of treatments and I like the same thing about him. I took V to the appointment. She is so adorable. She loves going there. My psychiatrist specializes in child and adolescent psychiatry so he has tons of toys. He has the greatest old toys that are similar to today’s Little People but much better. She really likes going with me to see this doctor. She always has felt very comfortable there. An example of this is; before V was potty trained she always pooped while we were in his office. No joke, she really did poop every time. Anyway I think she can just tell that it is a safe place where we are both cared for. My psychiatrist is fabulous. He truly cares about my wellbeing and is almost as desperate as I am to find me some relief from this depression.

We (my psychiatrist and I) talked about how the loss of health is a very real loss. The fact that Fibromyalgia and depression have and are keeping me from doing so many of the things I planned on doing is extremely sad. I feel a lot of guilt for not being the wife (partner) and mom I want to be. It has been good to put a label on that. What I mean is, it is good to know that it is ok to be grieving the loss of my health. It is good to know that it is a very real loss and that I am not being silly or selfish for grieving.

I think I am now able to go through the steps of grief and learn to be at peace with my limitations. It is time to focus on all that I can do instead of what I cannot do. I still have a lot of good to offer. It (me serving others) may not like what I thought it would but it is still something.

God still has a plan for me. He has a plan for me right now as well as in the future. I just have such a hard time seeing that on the DARK, cloudy, murky, yucky and sad depression days.

I just remembered a book I read around 20ish years ago. It is entitled Are You There God It’s Me Margaret. I sometimes feel like Margaret.

But the truth is, the amazingly beautiful and wonderful truth is that God is always with me no matter what!