Out of Control

I really don’t feel like writing but I think I need to. It is an absolutely gorgeous day and I am inside lying around. I am not sure if it is my sprained ankle or my depression keeping me inside. It is probably both.

I hate not being able to get around. As if depression is not debilitating enough, I don’t need anything else to keep me from being active.

I have had a couple of really bad days. I have been crying a lot, feeling hopeless, and thinking about how it would be so much easier to die. The pain of the depression has been so bad that I have been thinking about wanting to die. It makes me sick to even say that but it is true. Thankfully while I am thinking about giving up my lovely daughter pops into my head and I come back to reality.

Suicide is very selfish. The people you leave behind are left confused, hurt and devastated. Although, I do understand how a person can feel so horrible that they think it is the only option. Sometimes the pain is so intense or it has been going on so long that you just want it to end. I could never do it. Whenever I think about how much it would hurt those I would leave behind I know that I must fight. I would never ever want my daughter to think that I did not want to know her or be with her as she grows up. The problem is that I feel like I am barely there right now. My friends and family have been watching her as I have been trying to get healthy.

But why aren’t I better yet?

My friend watched V this morning and then I went over and we all hung out for a while. I brought V home and all I had to do was give her a snack and put her down for her nap. I got so overwhelmed. My stupid ankle being hurt really makes things extra challenging. I am using a roll-about (a knee scooter) to get around and I have trouble getting into tight spaces. I got so frustrated trying to get into the pantry to give V some canned peaches that I started to cry. I hid the tears from V.

Then she would not listen to me so I had to give her a time-out. She kept trying to leave time-out and I had to physically put her back into the chair which was really challenging with my bad ankle. I so badly just wanted to let it go. But whenever I do that then she thinks that she is in charge rather than me. This whole ordeal was exhausting. After I finally got her down for a nap (Thank God she was really tired and she went right to sleep. She did not even want me to read her books which was good because I did not have any energy left anyway.) I felt really crappy about myself.

I was responsible for her for about 45 minutes and I could barely handle it. I certainly was not the calm, patient, loving and fun mom I want to be. I did not have fun and neither did she. I love her so much. I can’t stand that I am not able to play with her, teach her and enjoy her. I know that feeling bad about myself about this does not get me anywhere but I still feel bad. I am trying not to but I do.

As I was driving V home from my friend’s house today I realized that it is not me who is raising her right now. She is spending the majority of her time with my friends, family and Nate. They are all good people but they are not her Mama. I want to be the one who has the most influence on her. I used to be her favorite person in the world and now I feel like I am barely even in her world.

“Oh God please, please help me. Heal me. Do something. I need for this to be over. I need to be healthy and whole. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

I hurt so much. I shake when I cry. I double over in pain sometimes. Why can’t I just pull myself together? What is wrong with me? I hate this.

I am sobbing now.

I have not showered today. The house is a mess. I have not read my Bible. I have not done relaxation.

I have prayed a little. I have iced my ankle and elevated it while I have watched LOST DVDs. Now I am making myself write. There is so much to do, so much I want and need to do that I don’t know where to start. And when I feel like I do now I just can’t handle getting started.

Ok…..breathe…….let’s look at the good things I have done today.

1. I am writing
2. I brushed my teeth and washed my face
3. I have iced my ankle twice.
4. I spent some time with my friend Rebecca
5. I gave V a snack
6. I have let the dog out (which is really hard with my ankle. I have to go down stairs and then hook her up to a chain since she has found ways to get out of our fenced in yard)
7. I checked my email and facebook.
8. I got dressed.
9. I told V I love her.

Ok……..it could be worse. I could have stayed in bed the entire day. I could have let V stay with Rebecca all day but I wanted to bring her home so she could nap.

I have got to control my thoughts. Even when I feel like I cannot control them I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO CONTROL THEM.

Over-and-out, that is enough writing for now.