Feeling Crappy

Ugggggggggggggg I feel like crap right now. Even my body feels depressed. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically crappy. I don’t understand myself or my body. I woke up this morning thinking “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. I am going to have a good day today. Lord please help me have a good day.”

Then I feel back asleep for about 15 minutes. V came in and woke me up to see if I wanted to do a puzzle with her. I made myself get up and OUCH my body hurt. Not a good start. We went to do the puzzle for a few minutes and then I had to go to the bathroom. I dragged myself up (both feet hurting) and went into the bathroom. Nate is was just getting out of the shower and was frustrated that I could not wait another couple minutes. I really couldn’t wait (my body sucks). So we start the day off frustrated with each other.

I am hurt and frustrated that he did not greet me with a “Hi honey. Good morning. I t is so nice to see you” accompanied with a hello kiss. There I go again having unfair expectations.

I am crabby about my body hurting and annoyed that I am feeling depressed. Before I even got out of bed and fully woke up I was praying for a good day and already only 15 minutes into the day I was feeling crappy.

The morning continued to spiral downward. Nate and I did not communicate well. I was upset with him and couldn’t seem to get over it. I was feeling like a burden already and did not want to ask him to make me some breakfast. But I was hungry and it is very hard to cook with a sprained ankle. I had been up for about 30 minutes at this point and I was already self-loathing.

I don’t understand how my mind goes there so quickly. Nate was trying to make things better but no matter how hard he tried the damage was already done. That was so unfair to him. I knew I was being irrational but I could not seem to stop it.

I told him yesterday what I wanted to do today and he had forgotten. So when he told me that he was going to go over to my dad’s house to wash and wax the car I was upset. I forget things all the time so once again, I was not being fair to him.

He said he needed to get out of the house. I don’t blame him. The house is a huge mess. I then started to blame and dislike myself for the house being a mess. My thoughts were, “If only my ankle was not sprained and I had not been depressed forever then house would be picked up and he would not feel the need to escape.”

I went and got back into bed. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Nate put a video on for V so he could try to talk to me. He said “let’s go do what you want to do.” But I was already feeling crappy and so I said no. I kept thinking to myself “you are being irrational Carly. “ I tried to change my thoughts to positive thoughts. I tried to practice cognitive behavioral therapy and to keep my thoughts under control but I just could not seem to do it.

I don’t understand why I cannot handle the littlest things? Why do I go right to being depressed at the slightest little problem? Why do I think I suck and feel like such a burden and a loser? If I know I am being irrational why can’t I stop my thoughts and change them? Why when I try to start the day positive do I still feel down, crappy and depressed? Why do I feel the way I feel? Why can’t I pull myself out of this funk? Why can’t I apply the things I learn and change the way I think, feel and act? I feel defeated already and I have only been awake for an hour and a half.

I still just want to go back to bed. I am actually really tired. My foot/ankle hurts. I don’t want to be around anyone because I don’t feel like I can be nice to be around. I don’t want to hurt or frustrate my family anymore. I need to pull myself together and go be a good mom and wife. Carly pull yourself together damn it! Just pull yourself together.

It is several hours later and I still feel crappy. I took a nap and was determined to start over when I got up. Unfortunately the depression was still lingering.

I don’t want to feel depressed. I want to feel healthy, good, stable and normal. What the hell is wrong with me?

We had dinner with my mom and step-dad. I was very quiet throughout the dinner. I asked questions because it was easier than having them ask me questions. I did not want to start crying in the middle of a restaurant.

My mom talked about how my cousin is a very calm and easy gong mom with her new daughter. I thought to myself, “I used to be that way.” I used to be easy going and easy to be around but now I am so intense. I am irritable, irrational, unstable, and depressing. I hate that. What has happened to me? What has happened to the Carly we all knew and loved?

I remember in 1998 when a teacher that I really enjoyed and respected told me that I was too intense and that I needed to relax. That comment upset me so much because I knew it was true. It was another period in my life when I was struggling with depression. I was not the relaxed easy going person that I liked to be. I hated the way I was feeling and acting just like I hate how I am now.

Hate is a strong word. I don’t usually like to use it at all. But lately hate is what I have been feeling. I hate how I feel. I hate how I am acting. I hate not knowing how to make myself different and better. I hate that I feel overwhelmed all the time. I hate that I feel out of control. I hate that it takes almost nothing to stress me out. I hate that I am not being the wife and mom that I want to be. I hate that my family is suffering due to my depression. I hate that my house is a wreck. I hate that I do not have the energy to get it cleaned up. I hate depression. I hate that depression is robbing me of so much of my life.

I am so thankful that tomorrow is another day.

Gratitude/Happy List

I am thankful…..
410. That tomorrow is another day.
411. That my family loves me even when I am challenging to be around.
412. I get to go to bed very soon (I am so ready for today to be over).
413. That people have offered to watch V this week while I continue in the hospital program.
414. My husband has not left me and has no plans to do so.
415. That a woman at my church leant me her walking boot that she wore when she had surgery on her foot. Hopefully I will be able to be walking soon.