A Time To Be Brave

I am having trouble falling asleep so I figured I would write on my blog. As I lay in bed trying to tame my thoughts enough to fall asleep I thought about how I wanted to write about my limitations. I made a very difficult decision about 2 weeks ago. My husband suggested that I do this particular thing months ago but I could not bring myself to do it. I have applied for disability. Yikes! That makes me feel like I am giving up, like I am lazy and not willing to do the work to get better. I am certainly not giving up. I am just trying to be responsible, realistic and do what is best for my family.

I have struggled with depression for about 17 years. I have been on medication for 14 years. Between depression and Fibromyalgia it took me 6 years to complete college. I had to take incompletes for more than one semester and go part time for two other semesters. My depression and Fibromyalgia also made it impossible for me to work during college. Whenever I tried to do “too much” my body would shut down. I would either get physically sick for a few weeks (or months) or I would spiral down into a deep period of depression. I simply cannot handle too much activity and too much stress.

After college I was so sick with Fibromyalgia and depression (more Fibromyalgia) that I could not even care for myself. I lost about 40 pounds because I simply did not have the energy to prepare food for myself much less go to the grocery store to buy it. I would spend almost all of my time in bed or on the couch. I was not being lazy. I was extremely sick. When I finally finished school (barely and not with the kind of grades I could have gotten) I had to move home. I HAD to move in with my mom because I could not take care of myself. I barely had the energy to make it to my doctor’s appointments much less tend to the responsibilities of renting my own place. And working….well working was out of the question.

The whole first year I was married to Nate I was extremely sick. I was in bed all the time. He would leave for work with me in bed and come home from work to me in bed. I felt so useless. I hated my body. I applied for disability during this time. I was denied. I had not worked enough hours to be eligible for the regular disability and they did not think I was sick enough for the special disability. Pardon me for not knowing the technical names for the types of disability.

It was a horrible experience for me. I felt degraded by the lady who was processing my case. I let her make me feel like I was lazy. She was not helpful to me at all. In fact I felt like she was working against me. After I was denied I was so worn out from the process and I felt so defeated personally that I did not try to appeal the denial of my claim.

Now here we are 8 years later. I not only still have Fibromyalgia but my depression has been debilitating for over a year now. I have not been able to care for my daughter. I have had to put her in child care and ask friends and family members to watch her. I have had trouble with simple daily tasks like showering and making phone calls. I went into an in-patient psychiatric hospital program. I have had my brain shocked (ECT) on twelve separate occasions. I see a therapist, psychiatrist and rheumatologist on a regular basis. I also exercise, journal, pray, medicate and do many other things to try to keep my depression under control. I am not able to function like a normal human being. I am not giving up but I need to face reality. If I am not healthy enough to take care of Vienna than we need to find some money to put her in daycare at least part-time. Our medical bills are out of control. We spend a great deal of Nate’s income on my medical expenses. I hate that and I feel very guilty about it. I try not to feel guilty but sometimes I do.

I cannot seem to handle any type of stress. My reactions to normal stressors are not normal. My brain chemistry is so messed up that I feel like I am going crazy half of the time. I am irrational and I HATE it! I do deep breathing exercises, pray, recite Scripture and take anti-anxiety medication and I still have anxiety attacks at times. My depression and anxiety on most days is debilitating. If everything in life goes well (which never happens, life is full of challenges) than I have an ok day. But if my daughter is fussy all day (as many 3 year olds are) I want to bang my head against the wall. I have to hide in the bathroom and cry or do relaxation breathing so that I am able to react to her in a kind and patient manner. Now, I do realize that many parents feel the same way at times but most do not feel that way every day. I cry every single day. I have been crying every day for a few months now. That is not normal and I need some help.

So… I have gone to a lawyer to help me apply for disability. I desperately need some help. I don’t want money to buy myself more pretty things, I simply need financial help with the plethora of medical bills that we have and for child-care for my daughter. I need some help. I am embarrassed to ask. I have put off applying out of shame. But it is time for me to face this head on and to be brave. It is time to put my family’s wellbeing over my own pride. It is time to accept that this depression and anxiety is a SERIOUS problem and I need more help than I am getting right now. I am in no way going to give up on trying to get healthy. I just NEED to take this step (as difficult as it is) to get help for myself and my family.