8-14-10
I am not able to sleep. It is so frustrating because I am sooooooooooooooooooooo tired but I am also so very anxious. This anxiety is not all in my head. I am not worrying about some silly stuff that is going on in my life but my body is anxious. I feel like I am in fight or flight mode. I have adrenalin rushing through me and I cannot seem to calm down. I have done guided meditation (relaxation exercises), I have exercised, prayed, and done all the “things” that are supposed to help with anxiety but I still feel all hopped up. I am edgy, irritable and intense! I have done the deep breathing exercises and taken my medicine. I really wanted to go to bed because I am truly tired but my body is just not cooperating. I don’t understand what the deal is.
Now I am trying wine. This is always my last resort because alcohol is a depressant. And I really don’t need any help being depressed. I have got that one perfected all on my own, no help is necessary. I am hoping this helps chill me out enough to finally go to sleep. I realize the alcohol may prevent me from sleeping soundly but at this point I will take any sleep I can get. It is 1:00 am and my daughter will be awake bright eyed and busy tailed at 7 am sharp. Oh how I long for sleep. Oh how I long to have my body at peace and not jittery and anxious.
Well I am off to try bed again. Maybe I will take a long hot shower first. Maybe……
Unfortunately I did not get to sleep until 4 am. My wonderful husband let me sleep until 8:20. Praise the Lord!
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A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
- Carly
- I am a 33 year old stay at home mom. I have a very supportive husband. I have been dealing with depression for half my life and have been on medication for 14 years. The meds are no longer working. My diagnosis is major reoccurring treatment resistant depressive disorder. I am desperate to feel better. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe He is all powerful and mighty but I often don't understand how my depression fits into His plan. I want to have hope but I am feeling hopeless.
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