Yes I Can

Sunday 8-29-10
Well I made it through another day. Praise God!  Nate just pointed out that I only cried two times today compared to the nine or so yesterday. I’d say that is improvement. I definitely feel better on the depression front. I don’t feel quite so crazy and ready to fall apart at any moment. Ahh, it feels good to feel a bit more balanced.

I have been driving myself a little bit nuts over a decision that I needed to make. For a couple of weeks now I have been considering entering a partial-hospitalization (day program) program to hopefully help me through my depression. Last week would have been perfect because Nate and V were out of town so I did not need to worry about child care but….I was way too exhausted. I needed to just rest. Plus I was crying all the time. I was not sure that I would be able to glean all the information that I would be taught in regards to coping with depression. So I decided to go this week (Monday) tomorrow. Then Wednesday night I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle and messed up my foot. Now between the pain of the ankle/foot and the increased fibromyalgia pain from hobbling around on crutches I do not feel able to give the program my full attention once again. I was feeling like I needed to just suck it up and do it. But the truth is pain is very distracting. I have a terrible time concentrating when I am in pain. I am already having trouble concentrating and making decisions due to the depression. So I am not going to start tomorrow. Phew…I actually made a decision.

First thing tomorrow morning I get to call around to my doctor, insurance and the medical supply stores to try to get me something other than crutches for me to move about with. The crutches puts most of my weight on my right leg which has been causing extreme shin pain as well as foot, back and hip pain. Once I get the pain under control I will start the program.

I am so glad that I am feeling better than yesterday. I was feeling so horrible yesterday that I was ready to have Nate take me to the hospital to be admitted into the in-patient psychiatric program. Yes I was that depressed. I told myself that if I felt today the way I felt yesterday that I was going to make myself go. Thankfully I feel better today.

I did not go to church today. I could not handle all the steps. I was sad that I could not go but it was also good to rest. I have not spent much time with God today or yesterday. I think I have been questioning why is this (my foot) happening now, why do I have one more challenge right now? I am extremely frustrated with the situation. It really stinks to have to ask Nate to bring me water, food, ice or whatever because I cannot carry it while on crutches.

I can do very little for my daughter. I sat in her room and just played with her on the floor for a while today. That did not last long because she wanted to go do other things. Plus she kept, hitting, kicking and even sitting on my bad foot. It was on accident of course. She just did not understand the concept of it being hurt and her needing to stay away from it.

As I lay in bed this morning (after my family left for church) I sort of prayed. Well I did pray. I said aloud;

“God I believe in you. I believe you are good and that you love me. I am your child. I am a child of the almighty king of kings, Lord of Lords and all powerful God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

I then expressed my lack of understanding for the timing of my stinking foot problem. I think God told me to relax and rest in Him. Apparently He wants me to keep resting. I am not sure what that means. I am pretty worn out. I suppose by having a bum foot I have to lay and sit around. That is resting. I could be using some of that sitting time to read my Bible and pray but I have not really felt like it. I have felt frustrated and a bit bitter. But God understands that and loves me anyway. I think His message is to STOP worrying and trust Him that everything will be ok.

I have slept a lot the past few days. The new medicine I got on Thursday (Pamelor) makes me extremely tired. Nate has been home so I have let myself sleep. Plus when I am sleeping I am off my foot. I have two pillows to prop it up on in my bed so bed time also means foot elevation time.

My hubby has to go back to work tomorrow.  I know that he is so tired and weary. I know that his heart it heavy from worrying about me, my depression and my new foot issue. I wish there was something I could do to make him worry less but I suppose I would worry the same way he is if the situation were reversed. 

Our house is not nearly as clean or organized as we would like it to be. Both he and I feel guilty about that. However, I think that feeling guilty about it is not going to help us in any way. We need to use our energy to strategize how to make our lives work right now.

I am so thankful that my family and friends have been so willing to help us during this extremely trying time. We have friends willing to watch Vienna all day so that I can heal and go to the hospital program. My parents have even been willing to take her overnight.

I guess overall I am feeling pretty good today. Yay! I have a plan for tomorrow. I am going to find a way to make my foot problem less of a problem. Then after that I will ice my foot and ankle and then rest some more. After that I am going to figure out what my next step in my attack plan for depression will be. I have a busy day but I can do it. Yes I can!

Happy/Gratitude List

351. My hubby and daughter
352. My church family that is praying for me
353. My family and friends
354. I actually made a decision today
355. Urgent Care (It is much easier than going to the ER)
356. A really yummy dinner from Saywers Pancake House of chocolate chip pancakes (It brought back happy memories of Camp Newaygo)
357. I was able to sleep a lot this weekend
358. Cuddling with my hubby and daughter
359. V’s singing
360. Almost zero clouds today
361. Great honest heart-felt conversation with a good friend the other night
362. Insurance will cover the hospital program
363. The new Star Trek movie
364. We have the LOST series collection on its way in the mail
365. God’s never ending unstoppable always and forever love (as it is described in V’s Bible Storybook)