Pissed Off But Full of Hope

 Written 8-18-10
To those of you who are reading this blog I have a message for you:
Thank you for taking time to walk with me through this very painful and difficult journey. In my following post I share some very raw and angry thoughts. (I have actually edited out much of the profanity.) Please do not take offence to them. This blog is a place for me to be transparent and honest about how I am feeling. It is very personal. It was a difficult decision for me to decide to share my feelings with all of you. So PLEASE do not critique my thoughts and feelings. They are often times unfiltered and that is how they need to be. The only reason I decided to share my battle with depression was to encourage others who struggle with depression. Hopefully by reading it they know that they are not alone. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

I am so pissed off right now. Where do I begin? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I have received some criticism on my blog. If you cannot handle reading my blog without critiquing it then don’t read it. Apparently it (my blog) is not a good idea (according to some” know it all”) because it is not positive enough. Screw you! I am the freaking most positive depressed person I know. Screw you to all of you people who think I am not working hard enough or trying hard enough. I am so sick of trying so hard and still struggling with depression and anxiety.

I understand that most people do not understand depression. I understand that most people do not understand why I cannot just feel better, why I cannot just put a smile on my face and think positively. I don’t expect you to understand. Either do some research on major reoccurring treatment resistant depression and anxiety and realize that there is more to this than a positive attitude or just don’t share your opinions about what I need to do to get better with me. Learn about how this is more than just “in my head” and that it is not some character flaw or some sort of weakness.

I am also so pissed that I have been trying so freaking hard to be and get healthy and I am still not healthy. Seriously! I cried three times yesterday, I cried all day today and I have been crying EVERY day for a couple of weeks now. I am tired of having to try so hard to just make it through the days. I am simply tired. I want to scream and break things but that would take a bunch of energy and I have so little energy.

It is not like I want to be depressed. I don't like missing out on life. I want to yell! At least I am not drinking or taking drugs to deal with the pain of the depression. At least I am not abusing myself, others or substances which would only compound the problem. Give me a little freaking credit here.

I am pissed off about someone who is too busy to talk to me on the phone. It is not that hard to take a little time out of your day once every couple of weeks to chat with me. I realize people have lives of their own. I don’t expect them to stop living their lives just because I am still and once again having a hard time.

Yes, I realize that this (depression) is old news. I realize that I am pretty much always struggling with depression. It is ok to feel like I am a burden. It is ok if you don’t want to make yourself available to me because talking to me is exhausting and depressing. I get that. Just doesn’t freaking profess your love for me and declare that you are here for me when you are only doing it because you feel you have to or something. Don’t make promises that you don’t really want to keep.

I am so tired of all of this. I want to give up. I won’t but I want to. Tomorrow is a new day. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. –Psalm 30:5 Yay for new days!

I wrote this blog entry over a week ago. I did not publish it because I wanted to edit it enough as to not offend anyone reading it.

I have since then had a wonderful honest conversation with a fabulous friend. (I love you J.) While I spoke with her I shared what she can do to help me and also expressed what I do not expect from her. I thought it would be helpful to share it with all of you.

I do not expect people to have the “right” thing to say to me. There is no “right” thing. I just want you to listen to me. You can tell me you love me and that you care about me. It also really helps me when you tell me why you love me and like me. It is easy in the middle of depression to not be able to see yourself clearly. I often feel lousy and worth very little. I feel like I am no fun, a burden, and not all that likeable. Therefore, it is very helpful for you to remind me why you like and love me.

People can also pray for me and with me. God is powerful. He hears and answers prayers. I don’t always understand why he doesn’t answer them right away but he does answer them.

Jesus said, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.—Luke 11:9.

God’s word also says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity. –Jeremiah 29:11-14

You can call, text, or write just to say hello and that you care about me. Those messages are so helpful. They make me feel loved, give me hope and remind me what I am fighting for.

I also love to hear about all the good things going on in my friends and families lives. Please do not feel that you cannot talk to me about your life because you think it will make me feel worse. It fills me with joy to hear about those I love thriving and doing well. Also don’t feel like you cannot talk to me about your problems. All problems big or small are real and have very real emotions attached to them. I want to be your friend. I want to listen and encourage you. If you are hurting I want to hurt with you. If you are stressed out I want to listen to you vent. So please don’t hold back with me.

There is really only one bad thing you can say to me. And that is; “just get over it.” I would love to do just that but for whatever reason it is just not that simple.

I want to thank all of you who take the time to read this blog. Thank you to all my friends and family who are supporting, loving and praying for me right now. I have a great deal of hope today. I am a fighter. I will continue to fight until the battle is won.