A Time To Vent

This is going to be a negative entry. I need to vent my feelings so they do not fester inside of me. If you cannot handle me being negative then please don’t read this. These are thoughts and feelings that I am having today. Tomorrow will be different.

I feel like shit today. Yes shit. Where do I begin? My body sucks. I hate my body. I have stupid Fibromyalgia which means that I am sensitive to all kinds of pain and other issues. I sprained my left ankle which sucks but right now what is sucking more is the crutches. My stupid fibromyalgia body cannot handle all my weight (which is too much) bearing down on my right leg. I have searing pain shooting up my right leg whenever I use the crutches. It starts in my foot and then intensifies in my calf and shins. I already had shin splints because before this happened I had been trying to exercise more. I had only been walking and using the elliptical a little but since my body sucks so much I have gotten shin splints. Having shin splints from walking is so pathetic. And then there is the right hip and back pain I get from using the crutches. So every time I sit down to ice my ankle and foot I am also icing my right shin that feels like it is on fire. I hate my body today.

It is difficult to separate hating your body from hating yourself. I am on the border. I feel terribly guilty that I am so needy right now. My family has already been doing SO much for me while I have been depressed. Now I need Nate to bring me things, help me get around the house and completely take care of Vienna. I feel like such a burden. I am feeling like such a looser right now. Yes I know I am not a looser but that is how I feel.

I am still so emotionally unstable. I cannot handle the extra pain along with the emotional mental pain I am trying to work out. Physical pain takes up so much energy. When I have a bad fibromyalgia pain day I have to talk to myself all day telling myself, “You can do it Carly. You can get through today. You are strong enough to handle the pain. It won’t last forever. You can do this Carly.” Well I already have to convince myself that I can make it through the day with all the emotional and mental pain I have been experiencing from the depression and anxiety. I can’t handle more pain. I am not strong enough. God please give me strength.

Tonight as I walked on my crutches to the car (we were going to go to a park together as a family and I was going to sit and watch V and Nate play) I started crying and then yelping because the pain in my shins was so overwhelming. I tried to hold back the tears but the pain was so intense in my non-injured leg that I could not help it. But then if I try to walk on the sprained ankle/ banged up foot I topple over from the pain. Pain sucks. My body sucks. I hate my body today.

The bible says that God will not give us more than we can handle. Well I cannot handle any more God. I cannot handle all of this physical, emotional and mental pain. I was so close to checking myself into the hospital tonight. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I feel like I am coming undone and I cannot handle ANYTHING. Praise the Lord Nate is home taking care of our precious daughter. And thank God that I have friends and family that are going to watch V next week while I go to the out-patient program for depression.

However, if we cannot get this physical pain under control then I am in trouble because I just can NOT handle all of it. Hopefully we can get a prescription from my Fibromyalgia doctor for one of those knee scooter things where I put the knee of my bad foot on the scooter and I push with my other leg. With one of those my weight will be bearing down on the scooter and not my right leg. Yes, I feel totally pathetic because I need one of those knee scooters for two weeks for my sprained foot but I CAN NOT do crutches. The pain is way too intense. I feel pathetic and like a looser. I am also painfully aware of how overweight I am.

I know that I am overweight every day but I don’t have to deal with the ramifications of it every day. I know that I need to lose weight. I am not stupid or blind. I feel like some people think that I don’t think the weight is a problem. I KNOW the weight is a problem.

Food had been my drug while I have been depressed. It is totally addictive for me. I could have chosen alcohol like many do to escape. But I really don’t like the taste, it increases my fibromyalgia pain and frankly, it is a depressant. It makes depression worse. Street drugs are scary. Smoking could have been my coping crutch but I hate how it smells and I hate how it makes me feel after I smoke. Plus my husband HATES smoking. We have enough challenges in our marriage I don’t need to add another. So I eat.

I eat when I am sad, when I am angry, bored, tired, stressed, anxious and at many other times. I like the feeling of being satisfied. I like that food tastes good and that for a little while I feel good as I am eating it. Unfortunately that “good” feeling only lasts for a while so I end up eating more. My eating is a real problem. I realize my eating habits need to change. But I can only do so much at a time. I am trying to get emotionally and mentally healthy. That is a full time job. Baby steps so they say…..I will get there eventually. Sooner than later would be nice but seriously I am doing the best that I can.