Still Struggling

I am still struggling. I wish I could report that I am all better. I suppose I am a bit better. I am still crying every day but I do have my daughter home with me again 3 days a week. I do not let myself cry in front of her. There have been times in the past when I have and she very sweetly says “Mommy why are you sad?” I find it extremely hard to answer her question so I avoid crying in front of her. That is a good thing though; she does not need to be worried about me. It is her job to learn, grow, play, experience and enjoy life.

Back to me…..I am still struggling. Oh how I wish I was not writing about myself. I am tired of me. It would be wonderful to be writing about something new, fun and fresh. Oh well. I knew that my diagnosis way back when was depression and anxiety but for the past year the depression has been more of a problem. Since I have gone off Celexa the anxiety has been out of control so I decided to do some reading about anxiety. It turns out that I have ALL the symptoms of generalized anxiety.

If you are suffering of from generalized anxiety disorder, it’s likely that you have difficulty concentrating; tire easily; are restless, irritable, and fidgety; and have problems falling asleep and staying asleep. –Dr. Don Colbert, MD

Several of the ways for me to combat anxiety are similar to depression. The big one is my thoughts. I need to keep my thoughts positive (interesting because when I am healthy I am naturally a very positive person) and stop negative untrue thoughts from entering my mind.

The things we dwell on create mind-sets. Worldly mind-sets lead to depression and anxiety, but spiritual mind-sets lead to life and peace. Peace is the opposite of anxiety, and we can develop peace by reprogramming and tearing down all mind-sets or strongholds contrary to God’s Word and replacing them with Scriptures. –Dr. Don Colbert, MD

So not only am I taking medication (anti-anxiety meds and a new anti-depressant medication that should help with anxiety) but I am working on my thought life. I feel like this is a constant battle. Seriously, I feel like I have to redirect my thoughts every 5 minutes. I start to feel anxious and before I even realize what I am thinking I have to say to myself “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Peace, I choose peace. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I am thankful for…….” It is helping. I just feel like I have to do it all the time. I start to feel overwhelmed (really really overwhelmed) at least every hour and I have to talk to myself about how it is ok if all I do is lean on God and take good care of my daughter.

The to-do list is so long. Actually I have stopped making a list because that gives me an anxiety attack. It is so hard to be ok with doing my best. I don’t feel like my best is enough. For all the thought, time, energy and prayer I am putting into my days you would think that I would be accomplishing great things. I am simply making it through the days. I suppose that is good but I am tired of working SO hard and accomplishing so little.

My daughter’s birthday was on June 2nd and I still have not written and sent the thank you notes. I have wanted to clean and organize V and my rooms for a month now. Ok……STOP Carly! Going over everything that needs to be done is not going to do you any good. Besides I don’t have the time to write it all down.

I have decided to keep a Gratitude/Happy Journal next to my bed. Every morning when I wake up I write a few things down that I am grateful for and that make me happy. Then again before bed I write some more. Sometimes I add more throughout the day. If I am thinking about what I am grateful for I will not be thinking about being sad, in pain, overwhelmed or anxious. Here are the latest……

8-11-10
327. My counselor is really helpful and he truly cares about me.
328. Watching my hubby and daughter play brought me so much joy.
329. I had time to read
330. I sent out a package to my friend with a new baby and two thank you notes!
331. I get to spend the day with V tomorrow.
8-12-10
332. Got to cuddle with V
333. Nate does not have a job that takes him overseas. He comes home to us every night.
334. Camp friends
335. Camp memories
336. God’s very real presence in my life
337. My devotional spoke directly, specifically and perfectly to me today!
338. My friend Rebecca messages me every day to see how I am doing. What an awesome friend!
339. Quality time with V
340. I had a good nap.
341. Hope
342. I am not alone
343. My hubby!
8-13-10
344. I got a shower this morning
345. Woke up feeling good
346. God’s creation is amazing
347. Woke up to a clean sink and counters (because I found the energy to do the dishes, sink and counter tops last night).
348. Singing
349. Swinging
350. My church family

I have also decided to print out certain Bible verses that I want to memorize and post around the house. When I stop the negative thoughts or mind-sets I want to have truth to replace them with. Here are a few that I have so far.

Philippians 4:12-13 12 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Psalm 28:7 7 "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

Nehemiah 8:10 This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve (be dejected and sad), for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

Phil 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Ok it is time to move on with my day. I choose to feel good. I choose to be at peace. I choose to think true thoughts. I choose to reject lies about me. I choose to smile and have fun today. I am going to go do some relaxation exercises, pick up a bit and take a short nap. Sounds good.