A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Tears

Written 8-24-10

I feel terrible. I hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. I heart aches, it feels heavy and tight like someone is standing on it. I have been crying almost all the time. I had a slight break on Saturday but otherwise since Wednesday I have been crying pretty much non-stop. The tears just keep flowing.  My poor dog is scared of me or worried or something. Last night when I was sobbing she went downstairs in the dark and went into her crate. Usually she wants to be on our bed with us! In fact she is always on our bed. I suppose she feels safe in her crate. Poor Jenny-Dog.

I am extremely tired. My body is tired because I have been having a terrible time sleeping. My mind is tired from me trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what I need to do to make it better, and trying to figure out all the details and responsibilities of life. My head hurts. My heart and emotions are tired. I don’t know how I still have more tears. This emotional pain is searing. I feel like a hot poker from the fire is being jabbed into my heart. It hurts. And that poker for whatever reason is not going away. I am spiritually tired. God is good. He is with me. He is powerful. But I really want him to heal me. It is time Lord. I am ready for my miraculous healing. (No I am not going to go off my medicine or stop doing the work I need to do to get healthy; I am just ready for my miracle)

And if anyone reading this is thinking that I am not willing to do the work that I need to do to help myself get ready then don’t bother reading this blog anymore. I have been working so freaking hard and I am tired of feeling like I have to justify myself to people who think I am not doing enough to get through this depression. I could list everything that I am doing but I have done that already and I am tired. And frankly, I am really ANGRY at all the people who think I am weak, not trying hard enough, or depending on others to fix it for me.
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2 comments:

  1. UnknownAugust 26, 2010 at 2:52 PM

    The first thing I thought upon reading this post was 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

    Right now you have the courage to tell people what you are going through, that alone is AWESOME! On a daily basis I deal with crazy mood swings, some that last 2 minutes, some that last for days. It's like random PMS. But one of the things I've learned is to praise God even when I feel sad for no reason at all. There's a verse for that in the Bible, although I'm not sure where.

    It is so true. Praise God. Thank him that you're suffering, because much joy and happiness is coming your way. When? In God's perfect timing. I know you what that time to come RIGHT NOW, but just think, if God doesn't want that time to be now, then it's not the right time. But that time IS coming!

    By the way, I liked your hair-do SO MUCH that when I had to decide how short to do mine, I biased it off yours. I still think your do looks better though. :)
    I'm praying for you Carly!

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  2. CarlyAugust 27, 2010 at 10:47 PM

    Thank you for the prayers Kristina. I appreciate them so much! I do cling to 2 Corinthians 12:9 often. I have for years actually. I also like to listen to the worhship song that declares "Your grace is enough. Your grace is enough. Your grace is enough for me." God's power must be getting pretty darn perfect in me because I have had about all the weakness that I can handle.

    But no matter how I feel, I CHOOSE to praise Him. And I CHOOSE to trust Him.

    Thanks for your comment.
    Love, Carly

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