A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.


Saturday, August 28, 2010

Feeling Down

8-27-10

Changing medications sucks. I started a new (old) medicine called Pamelor. I have felt considerably more depressed today. I am not sure if that is because of the new medicine or if it is because of my physical pain issues or if it is just because depression sucks. I will keep you posted.

8-28-10
I still feel crappy today. The new medicine is making me feel so very tired! My right shin is actually hurting more than my sprained ankle right now. I am feeling extremely down. We went to the medical supply store to get me one of the scooter things and they were all out of them. All the other medical supply stores were closed. I suppose I am going to be confined to my home where I can crawl around. I feel so silly. But the pain in my right foot, shin, calf and hip is very real. It feels like if I keep jumping around on it with the crutches that I may get a stress fracture. I am not trying to be pessimistic or a hypochondriac. I am just trying to be realistic with the limitations I know my body has. I want to be preventative. I can’t care for a 3 year old with two bad legs. I am feeling very defeated.

I am not sure if I can start the program for depression on Monday now. I need to get something other than crutches to get myself around. And that means I need to be in contact with my doctor (maybe see her to get a prescription for a scooter thing) and then go to the store to pick one up. The depression program is all day. I bet the psychologist in charge of the program is going to be so annoyed with me. I have already called him several times asking questions and have been really indecisive about starting the program. If I have to call and put it off again I am going to feel like a real tool.

I am feeling very depressed. I feel worthless and like a HUGE burden. I am crying all the time again. I hate my body which is not good. Hating in general is a waste of good energy but me hating my body is like hating myself. And no good can come out of that.

I am getting to the place where I feel apathetic. I just don’t care about anything anymore. Ok not true, I do care about my family but I feel like I have nothing positive to offer them right now. I feel like crap physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

V keeps singing “The joy of the Lord is my strength” and it makes me smile every time. Joy Lord, please help me obtain some joy and some hope too while you are at it.
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