I wrote this late on Sunday(8-15-10) night.
I don‘t know where to begin with my thoughts about today. God challenged me a great deal during church and I am not exactly how I feel about it.
I have spent the rest of the day incredibly anxious. My anxiety makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel sick. I feel like my heart is tight, tense and very uncomfortable. I feel like I want to give myself a shot of some sedative medication (ativan, xanx, valium or something else) strait into my heart. I am extremely irritable. I want to feel joyful but I feel overwhelmingly irritable. Even my body is irritable. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be intense. I am so intense. I can’t seem to relax, laugh, I get stressed so easily, I need to deal with things immediately and we must do it my way. I hate how I feel. Yuck yuck yuck! It is 12:24 and I desperately want to be sleeping. I need to be sleeping but I am too anxious to fall asleep.
Anyway, I am tired and I want to go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
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A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
- Carly
- I am a 33 year old stay at home mom. I have a very supportive husband. I have been dealing with depression for half my life and have been on medication for 14 years. The meds are no longer working. My diagnosis is major reoccurring treatment resistant depressive disorder. I am desperate to feel better. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe He is all powerful and mighty but I often don't understand how my depression fits into His plan. I want to have hope but I am feeling hopeless.
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