Weary

I am so tired today. I feel like I have not slept in days but I actually got almost ten hours of sleep. Well I was in bed for that long but I woke up what seemed like every hour. I am so weary of this stinking battle. I am battle weary. I am so ready to not be struggling with depression and anxiety anymore. I have had an extremely hard week. I think I have cried every day this week. I sobbed for like an hour on Thursday night and then again today. Crying is good. It is cleansing and all that but seriously, every day, that is way too much cleansing.

Not only do I feel weary and so tired but I am extremely anxious. I feel like everything is overwhelming.

I have been crying out to God for help. Today I begged Him to heal me and let me be done with this damn depression.

I gave a talk to some of the ladies in my church on Saturday. It was about having godly, positive thoughts rather than negative ones. I tried so many times last week to sit down and try to organize my thoughts and the message I wanted to give but I was so stinking depressed that I could not make it happen. I felt like every day was a battle to be fought. I was so tired, anxious, sad, unmotivated, blah, edgy, insecure and overwhelmed. Thank goodness God is God and His message came through in spite of me. The Holy Spirit gave me the strength and the words I needed to share. The night before the talk I was wishing I would start vomiting so I would not have to do it. Normally I love teaching and preaching but not the depressed version of me.

Earlier I felt like I had so much that I wanted to write about. But now I am just too tired. I feel like I am always too tired. I called the doctor about having another sleep test to see if I have sleep apnea or something. I might or I might just have the same old depressed anxious sleep problems.

I think I will go try to pray and go to bed. I say try to pray because I have been having a terrible time staying focused lately. Luckily God knows my heart. Even if I cannot formulate sentences to express my needs and prayers God knows them. I am so thankful I am not alone in this battle. I feel like crap but I know that one thing is true; I believe in an awesome, powerful, and loving God. I will praise Him even though I don’t feel like it and tomorrow will be a new start. God’s mercies are new in the morning and joy comes in the morning.