I Never Thought I Would Be...

Anxious. Overwhelmed. Stressed. I truly dislike those feelings. There is always so much to do and I can’t seem to get a handle on it. It does not help that some days I am to depressed to get much of anything done. Then the list just grows longer and longer. The house gets more and more dirty.

Yesterday I worked for about an hour in our basement clearing “stuff” away so that we can get our new furnace installed on Wednesday. After that ONE hour I was in so much pain (Fibromyalgia) that I suffered the rest of the day. The pain continued into the night and affected my sleep and is still looming around today. I just don’t feel set up to win. If it is not Depression it is Fibromyalgia. If it is not Fibro it is feeling overwhelmed. Then feeling overwhelmed leads to depression and the cycle just goes around and around again. Lack of sleeps makes Fibro and Depression worse. Depression makes sleep and Fibro worse and Fibro pain makes Depression and sleep worse. Yikes. I have got to break free from this cycle.

I am feeling very overwhelmed and stressed right now. The pain is mostly under control. I am ready to accomplish a few thing but I look around….and I want to cry. Where do I start? There is a mess everywhere. I have stopped making a “to do” list because it was so depressing. But now I feel like I am forgetting things that I need to get done. For example, I just now read the Preschool newsletter for November and realized that the fundraiser stuff is due in two days. Also there is a field trip in four days. I have an appointment the day of the field trip because I was not organized and did not know about the trip until today. This creates more anxiety. I have got to come up with some method to keep myself and my life more organized.

I have been thinking about the ways that people choose to escape the pain and stress of life lately. I see how people who are depressed turn to alcohol or drugs. It would be so nice to feel different. To feel better. Even now while I am so anxious it would be great to have a chill out pill. Depression hurts so much sometimes that the person dealing with it is desperate to feel anything else. Even if that means using addictive substances.

I am so blessed that I can’t stand the taste of most alcohol (plus it makes Fibro worse) and that I have no clue how to obtain illegal drugs. Because I have really wanted to use them. I have really wanted to feel something else, anything else other than the pain of depression.

I have turned to the legal somewhat socially acceptable escape, food. Food has been my drug. I eat when I am sad, anxious, overwhelmed, depressed, insecure, hopeless, feeling empty and most of all when I cannot sleep at night. Some people might think that turning to food is much better than turning to alcohol or drugs. It is safer, better for my health and less addictive right? Well not for me. Not anymore. I am totally addicted to food especially sweets. I like how being full feels, it feels satisfying. I like the high I get from the sugar. For a time, even though it is short, the sugar gives me more energy and I feel more alive. I need to lose at least 100 (125 if I want to weigh what I weighed at my wedding) pounds. 100 pounds is not small number and that much weight truly does affect my health. Obesity causes so many diseases. I need to get my weight down. I need to get my eating under control. But I am truly addicted. So now what?

I take medication that causes weight gain. One of the meds I am on right now causes an increased appetite especially for sweets. That is exactly what is says on the side effects list, increased appetite, especially for sweets. Great. I really don’t ne an increased appetite for chocolate, cookies, candy and ice cream. If I was a strong person I could just change my eating habits right? Sometimes I really feel that way. Then sometimes I give myself a break and remind myself that I am struggling with MAJOR Depression. Making it through each day is a challenge. I don’t need to add another stressor by trying to control my eating to. That sounds lazy, unmotivated and weak doesn’t it? I agree. But I can’t handle it all right now. It takes SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much willpower for me to watch what I eat. I just don’t have the energy for that kind of willpower right now. I know I need to but I just don’t. One thing at a time I suppose.

So I avoid looking in the mirror too much. I don’t want my picture taken and I try not to think about how huge I have become. But I do feel it. And I do see it. There is no denying that I have become obese. Obese. Probably morbidly obese. And that is something that I never imagined that I would be.

I used to be so fit and active. I have always loved sweets and loved eating but it was ok because I exercised on a regular basis. Then Fibromyalgia hit. Gradually I could not run, swim, hike, kick-box, or do Tae'bo like I used to. Now I get sore from walking. Oh well……I am not going to have a pity party. At least I can walk. Some people have had the gift of walking taken away from them.

Thank you God that my legs still work and that I can exercise through walking.

Well I need to get some stuff done. I am not sure where to start but I feel less anxious after writing.