What Now?

Tough day. Dang  I am glad it is over. Well it is almost over. It is so interesting to me how much my days can differ. I feel like I am up, down and all around. Man I want to get off this roller coaster. I am tired. So very tired.

I made bad decisions yesterday. I took my 3-yearold daughter to a sale at Younkers and then to Toys R Us. I should have just gone to one of the stores. Man was I in pain. She fell asleep on the way home and when she woke up (instead of staying asleep for her 2 hour nap) I just couldn’t handle it. My body was screaming in pain. All I wanted to do was eat so I could take the pain meds and then get on my three heating pads. I snapped at her and at my wonderful man. He is so wonderful. He spent the day cleaning out our shed so that we could de-clutter our house all because the clutter is stressing me out. He did it for me and I was a real bitch to him.
I am just not used to this pain. I used to be accustomed to being in pain (physical) every day but I am out of practice. I believe God has given me a break from that pain as I have dealt with the emotional and mental pain of the depression. Anyway….since last Saturday my Fibromyalgia pain has been back with a vengeance. I am not used to it and I am crabby. It is so hard to be nice, loving and patient when you want to scream "ouch ouch ouch freaking ouch! I hurt!" I am so sorry Nate. Even though you don't read this I have still got to say I am sorry. You have put up with so much crap. So very very much. Why do you stay again?

I don’t want to treat you badly. I guess I just have to get used to being in pain again. Ugggggggggggg! I need a freaking break. I am so damn tired. I don’t want to give up but I just don’t want to continue like this.

I actually had a really great night last night. I went out with my friend Rebecca and I felt good. I felt quite a bit like me. Not totally me (cuz being in pain is really distracting) but I felt pretty good. My dear friend commented on how nice it was to see me doing so well. And then I came home. I walked into my messy-dirty house to a husband who I had treated so poorly earlier in the day. My illnesses wear on him. He pretends they don’t but they do. He stays strong for me but I know that he is tired and weary. It just made me so sad. It is all so sad.

And then I could not stop thinking about all the things that I need to do and that I need to change that I could NOT sleep. I was so frustrated. I was actually up until past 3 am. I just could not fall asleep. I could not settle myself down. Not until my wonderful husband rubbed my back. At 3 am when he had been asleep for hours, this lovely man woke himself up enough to rub my back so that I could relax and fall asleep. I am so blessed. So blessed. I am so sorry babe that I have been so awful. I am working on it. I want to be better.

So what kind of future do we have together? I desperately wanted another baby but I see that just slipping through my grasp. There is no way in my health that I can have another baby. I cannot even care for the darling daughter and husband that I already have in the way that I want to. So I suppose I will just put that on the shelf of former dreams that are just not a reality for me. That freaking shelf is getting awfully full. And what I hate the most……is that so many of Nate’s dreams and desires are on that shelf too. He can‘t work his dream job because we need good health insurance. So he is stuck in a job that he does not like (but is thankful for because so many people are without jobs) because of me and my need for good health insurance. He is doing it for me. And what do I do? I treat him like crap because I cannot handle feeling all the pain I feel. I snapped at him so much yesterday and even today.

Gosh I don’t like myself right now.

I hate to say (write) that out loud but it is true. I just don’t want to be me in my circumstances with my limitations and health issues anymore.

Yes tomorrow I will wake up and I will be Carly and I will start fresh. Each day is a gift from God and I will treat it like that but tonight……….oh tonight, I hurt….and I wish…………………………………..

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize the woman I see. I used to be different. I used to go on adventures, sky dive and live each moment to the fullest. Now I find myself wishing the painful days away. Time is slipping and passing me by and I am tired of it.

So how do I embrace life with the limitations I have? How do I grab life by the horns, dig in my heals and truly live when I feel so crappy? The ironic thing is that now I just want very simple things. I no longer hope to travel, explore, run, and do so much of what I had dreamed of. Now my desires are so simple. I simply want to be a good wife, mom, and servant of God. That’s it. That is all. I don’t think I am asking too much. I simply want be a lover of God and an excellent lover of my hubby and daughter.

Weird how around this time last night I was laughing at a movie, enjoying my friends company and now tonight I feel such despair. Tonight the tears flow freely as if I am watering an extremely thirsty plant or something.

My family and I were planning on going to Ohio to visit my husband’s family over Thanksgiving. Now Nate is suggesting that we stay home. He is worried he cannot be the husband I need him to be. He is concerned that I he cannot be the support that I need him to be while we are there. Frick! Am I really that needy? Ummmmm yup, I think I am. He never knows when I am going to fall apart and when I am going to need him to take over caring for our daughter. Man that must be a heavy burden to carry. I feel crappy about not going to Ohio. It is not fair to everyone else. I am tired of everything being about me. If it is not depression it is freaking Fibromyalgia pain or sleep problems. Sometimes I feel like they all would be better off without me. I know they would not but I still feel that way sometimes.

I have been having horrible nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares that are too terrible to even write about. I wake up upset, shaken and anxious. They FEEL so real. Thank God they are just dreams. I wish they would stop. I have enough crap that I am trying to wade through. I really don’t need horrifying images from my nightmares stuck in my head all day.

So where does all this crap leave me? Hopeful? I don’t know. I know that God is good. I know that God loves me. I know that God wants me to talk to him about all of this and to be truly honest about my hurt, frustration and anger. But I don’t know much else.

I know that tomorrow I will pull up my bootstraps and fight for a good day. I know that I am not giving up. But I also know that I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. So very tired. I know that I hurt physically and emotionally. I know that I feel like a bit of a failure today. I know that I need to be more self-disciplined but that for some reason I cannot muster up the energy to do so.

Ok…………………………………………………. God loves me. My family loves me. I guess that is all I need to think about right now. God is in control. Well I believe that he is. I don’t necessarily feel it right now but I do believe it. God is good. Yes. Life is good. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.

Maybe if I say it over and over again it will be true. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.



P.S.  I am feeling a bit better now.  It feels really good to have gotten all of those feelings and thoughts out.