Ready to Wake Up

Today sucks. I feel crappy. I feel crappy and I don’t have the energy to fight anymore today. I would try to express how I feel but it hurts so much that I have chosen to feel numb. Now it is a dull hurt with an apathetic “I don’t feel like” or “want to” do anything tone.

I hurt so badly today and last night that I just wanted to die. Dying has been preferable to this pain. And I know I need to fight that feeling but I am just really tired. However, I could never hurt Nate, V and the rest of my family by causing myself to die. I hate to think that they might blame themselves or think that there was something they could have done.

That is the thing……we are all doing all we can do. I take my medicine(3 anti-depressants, an anti-anxiety and a sleeping med), I see my therapist, I make myself get out of bed……My family loves me and encourages me. What else can be done?

When will this end? I don’t have much fight left in me. NO I am not giving up but I sure feel like it.

I am sure it is hard for anyone reading this to understand why I would even think about wanting to die. It is hard for me to understand it. I just know that the pain is real. The pain is overwhelmingly real and I wish it would go away.

Is there more I can do to fight? Yes. There always is. But damn it I am freaking tired. I just want to go to bed and wake up from this nightmare.

So why am I depressed? Good question. I have an amazing daughter. My husband loves me unconditionally. My family loves me. I have some terrific friends who pray for me and help me. I have God who always loves me.

So what is my problem?

I don’t know.

Both yesterday and today I was crying so hard while I was driving that I had make myself pull over so that I would not hurt anyone else on the road.

I called my therapists office crying today. He sweetly fit me in over his lunch hour. He has given me his cell number and tells me to call him if I need to. I feel guilty calling him. I am not paying him to talk to me at 1:00 in the morning when I cannot sleep and I feel like crap.

I am tired of calling my friends crying. I don’t want to be that downer friend. You know the one who brings you down when you talk to them? I hate being that person. I don’t want to be the sad one. The crabby, negative, hurting, “it is never getting better” person.

So what should I do? Do I go back into the hospital? That just makes a mess of everything. We have to find childcare for V, it is hard on Nate and when I come home V doesn’t want to leave my side. She is afraid I am going to leave her again. And that just makes me feel crappy.

I could keep crying and I would eventually die of dehydration. Yes that is how much I have been crying.

I made myself take a walk today. It was sunny. Sun is good. I made myself sit in front of the sun lamp too. I am ready to reap the benefits.

Benefits??

Where are you?

I hate that my family is suffering because of this. Because of me. I hate that all (almost) all of our money goes to my medical care.

So let’s look at this rationally. A pro and con list.

If I died Nate and V would have a lot less stress and definitely more money. If I died people wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. I would not be a burden.

But….

If I died people would be sad. They would hurt and miss me. And I just can’t cause any more pain. I cause plenty already as it is.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. I seem to have 1 ok day for every 1 or two bad ones. I have had two very bad ones. So I am due for an ok day tomorrow.

I think I am overdue for being ALL better.

Can I wake up yet?