So Tired

I am tired. I am so tired. I am tired physically, emotionally and mentally. I am tired of my heart hurting. I am tired of my body hurting. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I know I sound so negative. Sorry.

I don’t know why I can’t get better. I don’t understand why I still struggle with depression. I don’t get the brain chemistry thing. I know that I feel overwhelmed most of the time. I feel like I am loosing it at least once a day. I hurt. I hurt so very deeply. I feel like I am letting my daughter and husband down every day. I feel like Nate deserves better. He does deserve better. But I don’t want him to leave me. Tonight he said that maybe he is the cause of my illnesses. That is BS. I hate that he would even think for a second that my life would be better without him.

God I can’t take much more. I am getting weaker and not stronger. I feel alone. I feel like I need a break from life and I am so tired of feeling that way. I am so tired in general.

I know there are people in my life that think I need to find strength from within. There is nothing left. The strength is gone. My only hope is God infusing me with His strength. I need a miracle. I need to find some relief from this fatigue, physical and emotional pain.

I am so thankful that I know nothing about drugs or how to get them. Because I truly feel like I want to escape and from what I understand they provide that escape. Funny thing is I have a ton of prescription drugs that would make most normal people feel “good”. For me the Vicodin just takes the edge of my pain. It does not even take it completely away much less make me feel high or “good.”

Nate and I got in a fight (sort of) tonight. I got sick of him feeling like I was criticizing him and I yelled. Maybe I am being hard on him. I think that I am a little bit and he is also being too sensitive. It is crazy because we do the same thing with me. I am oversensitive when he gives me constructive criticism. If I am having a “rough” day I take it personally. I can’t seem to get myself together.

I hate that I am not a partner to Nate. I am a burden. It is almost like I am another child that he needs to take care of.

I still feel like I should be able to pull myself together. Why can’t I? Why can’t I pull myself together? I think I am starting to hate that I can’t. If I continue to feel that way it is going to lead me hating myself. And that is bad. Very bad.

I think I better make a gratitude list.

I am grateful for……

1. The many people who love my daughter

2. The many people who love me

3. Our house. It is messy and chaotic but it keeps us warm and it is ours.

4. Christmas. God gave us Son Jesus. Somehow He fit all his glory and power into a tiny baby so that He could reunite humankind with Himself.

5. Our family loves us and has been very generous with gifts this Christmas.

6. My dog Jenny gives the best doggie kisses and cuddles.

7. We are going to Ohio in two days to see family and our wonderful friends.

8. I am going to be an Aunt.

9. Hugs. Hugs are so great. I need to give and get more of them.

10. My daughter gives fabulous hugs and kisses