I am having trouble falling asleep so I figured I would write on my blog. As I lay in bed trying to tame my thoughts enough to fall asleep I thought about how I wanted to write about my limitations. I made a very difficult decision about 2 weeks ago. My husband suggested that I do this particular thing months ago but I could not bring myself to do it. I have applied for disability. Yikes! That makes me feel like I am giving up, like I am lazy and not willing to do the work to get better. I am certainly not giving up. I am just trying to be responsible, realistic and do what is best for my family.
I have struggled with depression for about 17 years. I have been on medication for 14 years. Between depression and Fibromyalgia it took me 6 years to complete college. I had to take incompletes for more than one semester and go part time for two other semesters. My depression and Fibromyalgia also made it impossible for me to work during college. Whenever I tried to do “too much” my body would shut down. I would either get physically sick for a few weeks (or months) or I would spiral down into a deep period of depression. I simply cannot handle too much activity and too much stress.
After college I was so sick with Fibromyalgia and depression (more Fibromyalgia) that I could not even care for myself. I lost about 40 pounds because I simply did not have the energy to prepare food for myself much less go to the grocery store to buy it. I would spend almost all of my time in bed or on the couch. I was not being lazy. I was extremely sick. When I finally finished school (barely and not with the kind of grades I could have gotten) I had to move home. I HAD to move in with my mom because I could not take care of myself. I barely had the energy to make it to my doctor’s appointments much less tend to the responsibilities of renting my own place. And working….well working was out of the question.
The whole first year I was married to Nate I was extremely sick. I was in bed all the time. He would leave for work with me in bed and come home from work to me in bed. I felt so useless. I hated my body. I applied for disability during this time. I was denied. I had not worked enough hours to be eligible for the regular disability and they did not think I was sick enough for the special disability. Pardon me for not knowing the technical names for the types of disability.
It was a horrible experience for me. I felt degraded by the lady who was processing my case. I let her make me feel like I was lazy. She was not helpful to me at all. In fact I felt like she was working against me. After I was denied I was so worn out from the process and I felt so defeated personally that I did not try to appeal the denial of my claim.
Now here we are 8 years later. I not only still have Fibromyalgia but my depression has been debilitating for over a year now. I have not been able to care for my daughter. I have had to put her in child care and ask friends and family members to watch her. I have had trouble with simple daily tasks like showering and making phone calls. I went into an in-patient psychiatric hospital program. I have had my brain shocked (ECT) on twelve separate occasions. I see a therapist, psychiatrist and rheumatologist on a regular basis. I also exercise, journal, pray, medicate and do many other things to try to keep my depression under control. I am not able to function like a normal human being. I am not giving up but I need to face reality. If I am not healthy enough to take care of Vienna than we need to find some money to put her in daycare at least part-time. Our medical bills are out of control. We spend a great deal of Nate’s income on my medical expenses. I hate that and I feel very guilty about it. I try not to feel guilty but sometimes I do.
I cannot seem to handle any type of stress. My reactions to normal stressors are not normal. My brain chemistry is so messed up that I feel like I am going crazy half of the time. I am irrational and I HATE it! I do deep breathing exercises, pray, recite Scripture and take anti-anxiety medication and I still have anxiety attacks at times. My depression and anxiety on most days is debilitating. If everything in life goes well (which never happens, life is full of challenges) than I have an ok day. But if my daughter is fussy all day (as many 3 year olds are) I want to bang my head against the wall. I have to hide in the bathroom and cry or do relaxation breathing so that I am able to react to her in a kind and patient manner. Now, I do realize that many parents feel the same way at times but most do not feel that way every day. I cry every single day. I have been crying every day for a few months now. That is not normal and I need some help.
So… I have gone to a lawyer to help me apply for disability. I desperately need some help. I don’t want money to buy myself more pretty things, I simply need financial help with the plethora of medical bills that we have and for child-care for my daughter. I need some help. I am embarrassed to ask. I have put off applying out of shame. But it is time for me to face this head on and to be brave. It is time to put my family’s wellbeing over my own pride. It is time to accept that this depression and anxiety is a SERIOUS problem and I need more help than I am getting right now. I am in no way going to give up on trying to get healthy. I just NEED to take this step (as difficult as it is) to get help for myself and my family.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Yes I Can
Sunday 8-29-10
Well I made it through another day. Praise God! Nate just pointed out that I only cried two times today compared to the nine or so yesterday. I’d say that is improvement. I definitely feel better on the depression front. I don’t feel quite so crazy and ready to fall apart at any moment. Ahh, it feels good to feel a bit more balanced.
I have been driving myself a little bit nuts over a decision that I needed to make. For a couple of weeks now I have been considering entering a partial-hospitalization (day program) program to hopefully help me through my depression. Last week would have been perfect because Nate and V were out of town so I did not need to worry about child care but….I was way too exhausted. I needed to just rest. Plus I was crying all the time. I was not sure that I would be able to glean all the information that I would be taught in regards to coping with depression. So I decided to go this week (Monday) tomorrow. Then Wednesday night I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle and messed up my foot. Now between the pain of the ankle/foot and the increased fibromyalgia pain from hobbling around on crutches I do not feel able to give the program my full attention once again. I was feeling like I needed to just suck it up and do it. But the truth is pain is very distracting. I have a terrible time concentrating when I am in pain. I am already having trouble concentrating and making decisions due to the depression. So I am not going to start tomorrow. Phew…I actually made a decision.
First thing tomorrow morning I get to call around to my doctor, insurance and the medical supply stores to try to get me something other than crutches for me to move about with. The crutches puts most of my weight on my right leg which has been causing extreme shin pain as well as foot, back and hip pain. Once I get the pain under control I will start the program.
I am so glad that I am feeling better than yesterday. I was feeling so horrible yesterday that I was ready to have Nate take me to the hospital to be admitted into the in-patient psychiatric program. Yes I was that depressed. I told myself that if I felt today the way I felt yesterday that I was going to make myself go. Thankfully I feel better today.
I did not go to church today. I could not handle all the steps. I was sad that I could not go but it was also good to rest. I have not spent much time with God today or yesterday. I think I have been questioning why is this (my foot) happening now, why do I have one more challenge right now? I am extremely frustrated with the situation. It really stinks to have to ask Nate to bring me water, food, ice or whatever because I cannot carry it while on crutches.
I can do very little for my daughter. I sat in her room and just played with her on the floor for a while today. That did not last long because she wanted to go do other things. Plus she kept, hitting, kicking and even sitting on my bad foot. It was on accident of course. She just did not understand the concept of it being hurt and her needing to stay away from it.
As I lay in bed this morning (after my family left for church) I sort of prayed. Well I did pray. I said aloud;
“God I believe in you. I believe you are good and that you love me. I am your child. I am a child of the almighty king of kings, Lord of Lords and all powerful God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I then expressed my lack of understanding for the timing of my stinking foot problem. I think God told me to relax and rest in Him. Apparently He wants me to keep resting. I am not sure what that means. I am pretty worn out. I suppose by having a bum foot I have to lay and sit around. That is resting. I could be using some of that sitting time to read my Bible and pray but I have not really felt like it. I have felt frustrated and a bit bitter. But God understands that and loves me anyway. I think His message is to STOP worrying and trust Him that everything will be ok.
I have slept a lot the past few days. The new medicine I got on Thursday (Pamelor) makes me extremely tired. Nate has been home so I have let myself sleep. Plus when I am sleeping I am off my foot. I have two pillows to prop it up on in my bed so bed time also means foot elevation time.
My hubby has to go back to work tomorrow. I know that he is so tired and weary. I know that his heart it heavy from worrying about me, my depression and my new foot issue. I wish there was something I could do to make him worry less but I suppose I would worry the same way he is if the situation were reversed.
Our house is not nearly as clean or organized as we would like it to be. Both he and I feel guilty about that. However, I think that feeling guilty about it is not going to help us in any way. We need to use our energy to strategize how to make our lives work right now.
I am so thankful that my family and friends have been so willing to help us during this extremely trying time. We have friends willing to watch Vienna all day so that I can heal and go to the hospital program. My parents have even been willing to take her overnight.
I guess overall I am feeling pretty good today. Yay! I have a plan for tomorrow. I am going to find a way to make my foot problem less of a problem. Then after that I will ice my foot and ankle and then rest some more. After that I am going to figure out what my next step in my attack plan for depression will be. I have a busy day but I can do it. Yes I can!
Happy/Gratitude List
351. My hubby and daughter
352. My church family that is praying for me
353. My family and friends
354. I actually made a decision today
355. Urgent Care (It is much easier than going to the ER)
356. A really yummy dinner from Saywers Pancake House of chocolate chip pancakes (It brought back happy memories of Camp Newaygo)
357. I was able to sleep a lot this weekend
358. Cuddling with my hubby and daughter
359. V’s singing
360. Almost zero clouds today
361. Great honest heart-felt conversation with a good friend the other night
362. Insurance will cover the hospital program
363. The new Star Trek movie
364. We have the LOST series collection on its way in the mail
365. God’s never ending unstoppable always and forever love (as it is described in V’s Bible Storybook)
Well I made it through another day. Praise God! Nate just pointed out that I only cried two times today compared to the nine or so yesterday. I’d say that is improvement. I definitely feel better on the depression front. I don’t feel quite so crazy and ready to fall apart at any moment. Ahh, it feels good to feel a bit more balanced.
I have been driving myself a little bit nuts over a decision that I needed to make. For a couple of weeks now I have been considering entering a partial-hospitalization (day program) program to hopefully help me through my depression. Last week would have been perfect because Nate and V were out of town so I did not need to worry about child care but….I was way too exhausted. I needed to just rest. Plus I was crying all the time. I was not sure that I would be able to glean all the information that I would be taught in regards to coping with depression. So I decided to go this week (Monday) tomorrow. Then Wednesday night I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle and messed up my foot. Now between the pain of the ankle/foot and the increased fibromyalgia pain from hobbling around on crutches I do not feel able to give the program my full attention once again. I was feeling like I needed to just suck it up and do it. But the truth is pain is very distracting. I have a terrible time concentrating when I am in pain. I am already having trouble concentrating and making decisions due to the depression. So I am not going to start tomorrow. Phew…I actually made a decision.
First thing tomorrow morning I get to call around to my doctor, insurance and the medical supply stores to try to get me something other than crutches for me to move about with. The crutches puts most of my weight on my right leg which has been causing extreme shin pain as well as foot, back and hip pain. Once I get the pain under control I will start the program.
I am so glad that I am feeling better than yesterday. I was feeling so horrible yesterday that I was ready to have Nate take me to the hospital to be admitted into the in-patient psychiatric program. Yes I was that depressed. I told myself that if I felt today the way I felt yesterday that I was going to make myself go. Thankfully I feel better today.
I did not go to church today. I could not handle all the steps. I was sad that I could not go but it was also good to rest. I have not spent much time with God today or yesterday. I think I have been questioning why is this (my foot) happening now, why do I have one more challenge right now? I am extremely frustrated with the situation. It really stinks to have to ask Nate to bring me water, food, ice or whatever because I cannot carry it while on crutches.
I can do very little for my daughter. I sat in her room and just played with her on the floor for a while today. That did not last long because she wanted to go do other things. Plus she kept, hitting, kicking and even sitting on my bad foot. It was on accident of course. She just did not understand the concept of it being hurt and her needing to stay away from it.
As I lay in bed this morning (after my family left for church) I sort of prayed. Well I did pray. I said aloud;
“God I believe in you. I believe you are good and that you love me. I am your child. I am a child of the almighty king of kings, Lord of Lords and all powerful God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I then expressed my lack of understanding for the timing of my stinking foot problem. I think God told me to relax and rest in Him. Apparently He wants me to keep resting. I am not sure what that means. I am pretty worn out. I suppose by having a bum foot I have to lay and sit around. That is resting. I could be using some of that sitting time to read my Bible and pray but I have not really felt like it. I have felt frustrated and a bit bitter. But God understands that and loves me anyway. I think His message is to STOP worrying and trust Him that everything will be ok.
I have slept a lot the past few days. The new medicine I got on Thursday (Pamelor) makes me extremely tired. Nate has been home so I have let myself sleep. Plus when I am sleeping I am off my foot. I have two pillows to prop it up on in my bed so bed time also means foot elevation time.
My hubby has to go back to work tomorrow. I know that he is so tired and weary. I know that his heart it heavy from worrying about me, my depression and my new foot issue. I wish there was something I could do to make him worry less but I suppose I would worry the same way he is if the situation were reversed.
Our house is not nearly as clean or organized as we would like it to be. Both he and I feel guilty about that. However, I think that feeling guilty about it is not going to help us in any way. We need to use our energy to strategize how to make our lives work right now.
I am so thankful that my family and friends have been so willing to help us during this extremely trying time. We have friends willing to watch Vienna all day so that I can heal and go to the hospital program. My parents have even been willing to take her overnight.
I guess overall I am feeling pretty good today. Yay! I have a plan for tomorrow. I am going to find a way to make my foot problem less of a problem. Then after that I will ice my foot and ankle and then rest some more. After that I am going to figure out what my next step in my attack plan for depression will be. I have a busy day but I can do it. Yes I can!
Happy/Gratitude List
351. My hubby and daughter
352. My church family that is praying for me
353. My family and friends
354. I actually made a decision today
355. Urgent Care (It is much easier than going to the ER)
356. A really yummy dinner from Saywers Pancake House of chocolate chip pancakes (It brought back happy memories of Camp Newaygo)
357. I was able to sleep a lot this weekend
358. Cuddling with my hubby and daughter
359. V’s singing
360. Almost zero clouds today
361. Great honest heart-felt conversation with a good friend the other night
362. Insurance will cover the hospital program
363. The new Star Trek movie
364. We have the LOST series collection on its way in the mail
365. God’s never ending unstoppable always and forever love (as it is described in V’s Bible Storybook)
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Feeling Down
8-27-10
Changing medications sucks. I started a new (old) medicine called Pamelor. I have felt considerably more depressed today. I am not sure if that is because of the new medicine or if it is because of my physical pain issues or if it is just because depression sucks. I will keep you posted.
8-28-10
I still feel crappy today. The new medicine is making me feel so very tired! My right shin is actually hurting more than my sprained ankle right now. I am feeling extremely down. We went to the medical supply store to get me one of the scooter things and they were all out of them. All the other medical supply stores were closed. I suppose I am going to be confined to my home where I can crawl around. I feel so silly. But the pain in my right foot, shin, calf and hip is very real. It feels like if I keep jumping around on it with the crutches that I may get a stress fracture. I am not trying to be pessimistic or a hypochondriac. I am just trying to be realistic with the limitations I know my body has. I want to be preventative. I can’t care for a 3 year old with two bad legs. I am feeling very defeated.
I am not sure if I can start the program for depression on Monday now. I need to get something other than crutches to get myself around. And that means I need to be in contact with my doctor (maybe see her to get a prescription for a scooter thing) and then go to the store to pick one up. The depression program is all day. I bet the psychologist in charge of the program is going to be so annoyed with me. I have already called him several times asking questions and have been really indecisive about starting the program. If I have to call and put it off again I am going to feel like a real tool.
I am feeling very depressed. I feel worthless and like a HUGE burden. I am crying all the time again. I hate my body which is not good. Hating in general is a waste of good energy but me hating my body is like hating myself. And no good can come out of that.
I am getting to the place where I feel apathetic. I just don’t care about anything anymore. Ok not true, I do care about my family but I feel like I have nothing positive to offer them right now. I feel like crap physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
V keeps singing “The joy of the Lord is my strength” and it makes me smile every time. Joy Lord, please help me obtain some joy and some hope too while you are at it.
Changing medications sucks. I started a new (old) medicine called Pamelor. I have felt considerably more depressed today. I am not sure if that is because of the new medicine or if it is because of my physical pain issues or if it is just because depression sucks. I will keep you posted.
8-28-10
I still feel crappy today. The new medicine is making me feel so very tired! My right shin is actually hurting more than my sprained ankle right now. I am feeling extremely down. We went to the medical supply store to get me one of the scooter things and they were all out of them. All the other medical supply stores were closed. I suppose I am going to be confined to my home where I can crawl around. I feel so silly. But the pain in my right foot, shin, calf and hip is very real. It feels like if I keep jumping around on it with the crutches that I may get a stress fracture. I am not trying to be pessimistic or a hypochondriac. I am just trying to be realistic with the limitations I know my body has. I want to be preventative. I can’t care for a 3 year old with two bad legs. I am feeling very defeated.
I am not sure if I can start the program for depression on Monday now. I need to get something other than crutches to get myself around. And that means I need to be in contact with my doctor (maybe see her to get a prescription for a scooter thing) and then go to the store to pick one up. The depression program is all day. I bet the psychologist in charge of the program is going to be so annoyed with me. I have already called him several times asking questions and have been really indecisive about starting the program. If I have to call and put it off again I am going to feel like a real tool.
I am feeling very depressed. I feel worthless and like a HUGE burden. I am crying all the time again. I hate my body which is not good. Hating in general is a waste of good energy but me hating my body is like hating myself. And no good can come out of that.
I am getting to the place where I feel apathetic. I just don’t care about anything anymore. Ok not true, I do care about my family but I feel like I have nothing positive to offer them right now. I feel like crap physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
V keeps singing “The joy of the Lord is my strength” and it makes me smile every time. Joy Lord, please help me obtain some joy and some hope too while you are at it.
Friday, August 27, 2010
A Time To Vent
This is going to be a negative entry. I need to vent my feelings so they do not fester inside of me. If you cannot handle me being negative then please don’t read this. These are thoughts and feelings that I am having today. Tomorrow will be different.
I feel like shit today. Yes shit. Where do I begin? My body sucks. I hate my body. I have stupid Fibromyalgia which means that I am sensitive to all kinds of pain and other issues. I sprained my left ankle which sucks but right now what is sucking more is the crutches. My stupid fibromyalgia body cannot handle all my weight (which is too much) bearing down on my right leg. I have searing pain shooting up my right leg whenever I use the crutches. It starts in my foot and then intensifies in my calf and shins. I already had shin splints because before this happened I had been trying to exercise more. I had only been walking and using the elliptical a little but since my body sucks so much I have gotten shin splints. Having shin splints from walking is so pathetic. And then there is the right hip and back pain I get from using the crutches. So every time I sit down to ice my ankle and foot I am also icing my right shin that feels like it is on fire. I hate my body today.
It is difficult to separate hating your body from hating yourself. I am on the border. I feel terribly guilty that I am so needy right now. My family has already been doing SO much for me while I have been depressed. Now I need Nate to bring me things, help me get around the house and completely take care of Vienna. I feel like such a burden. I am feeling like such a looser right now. Yes I know I am not a looser but that is how I feel.
I am still so emotionally unstable. I cannot handle the extra pain along with the emotional mental pain I am trying to work out. Physical pain takes up so much energy. When I have a bad fibromyalgia pain day I have to talk to myself all day telling myself, “You can do it Carly. You can get through today. You are strong enough to handle the pain. It won’t last forever. You can do this Carly.” Well I already have to convince myself that I can make it through the day with all the emotional and mental pain I have been experiencing from the depression and anxiety. I can’t handle more pain. I am not strong enough. God please give me strength.
Tonight as I walked on my crutches to the car (we were going to go to a park together as a family and I was going to sit and watch V and Nate play) I started crying and then yelping because the pain in my shins was so overwhelming. I tried to hold back the tears but the pain was so intense in my non-injured leg that I could not help it. But then if I try to walk on the sprained ankle/ banged up foot I topple over from the pain. Pain sucks. My body sucks. I hate my body today.
The bible says that God will not give us more than we can handle. Well I cannot handle any more God. I cannot handle all of this physical, emotional and mental pain. I was so close to checking myself into the hospital tonight. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I feel like I am coming undone and I cannot handle ANYTHING. Praise the Lord Nate is home taking care of our precious daughter. And thank God that I have friends and family that are going to watch V next week while I go to the out-patient program for depression.
However, if we cannot get this physical pain under control then I am in trouble because I just can NOT handle all of it. Hopefully we can get a prescription from my Fibromyalgia doctor for one of those knee scooter things where I put the knee of my bad foot on the scooter and I push with my other leg. With one of those my weight will be bearing down on the scooter and not my right leg. Yes, I feel totally pathetic because I need one of those knee scooters for two weeks for my sprained foot but I CAN NOT do crutches. The pain is way too intense. I feel pathetic and like a looser. I am also painfully aware of how overweight I am.
I know that I am overweight every day but I don’t have to deal with the ramifications of it every day. I know that I need to lose weight. I am not stupid or blind. I feel like some people think that I don’t think the weight is a problem. I KNOW the weight is a problem.
Food had been my drug while I have been depressed. It is totally addictive for me. I could have chosen alcohol like many do to escape. But I really don’t like the taste, it increases my fibromyalgia pain and frankly, it is a depressant. It makes depression worse. Street drugs are scary. Smoking could have been my coping crutch but I hate how it smells and I hate how it makes me feel after I smoke. Plus my husband HATES smoking. We have enough challenges in our marriage I don’t need to add another. So I eat.
I eat when I am sad, when I am angry, bored, tired, stressed, anxious and at many other times. I like the feeling of being satisfied. I like that food tastes good and that for a little while I feel good as I am eating it. Unfortunately that “good” feeling only lasts for a while so I end up eating more. My eating is a real problem. I realize my eating habits need to change. But I can only do so much at a time. I am trying to get emotionally and mentally healthy. That is a full time job. Baby steps so they say…..I will get there eventually. Sooner than later would be nice but seriously I am doing the best that I can.
I feel like shit today. Yes shit. Where do I begin? My body sucks. I hate my body. I have stupid Fibromyalgia which means that I am sensitive to all kinds of pain and other issues. I sprained my left ankle which sucks but right now what is sucking more is the crutches. My stupid fibromyalgia body cannot handle all my weight (which is too much) bearing down on my right leg. I have searing pain shooting up my right leg whenever I use the crutches. It starts in my foot and then intensifies in my calf and shins. I already had shin splints because before this happened I had been trying to exercise more. I had only been walking and using the elliptical a little but since my body sucks so much I have gotten shin splints. Having shin splints from walking is so pathetic. And then there is the right hip and back pain I get from using the crutches. So every time I sit down to ice my ankle and foot I am also icing my right shin that feels like it is on fire. I hate my body today.
It is difficult to separate hating your body from hating yourself. I am on the border. I feel terribly guilty that I am so needy right now. My family has already been doing SO much for me while I have been depressed. Now I need Nate to bring me things, help me get around the house and completely take care of Vienna. I feel like such a burden. I am feeling like such a looser right now. Yes I know I am not a looser but that is how I feel.
I am still so emotionally unstable. I cannot handle the extra pain along with the emotional mental pain I am trying to work out. Physical pain takes up so much energy. When I have a bad fibromyalgia pain day I have to talk to myself all day telling myself, “You can do it Carly. You can get through today. You are strong enough to handle the pain. It won’t last forever. You can do this Carly.” Well I already have to convince myself that I can make it through the day with all the emotional and mental pain I have been experiencing from the depression and anxiety. I can’t handle more pain. I am not strong enough. God please give me strength.
Tonight as I walked on my crutches to the car (we were going to go to a park together as a family and I was going to sit and watch V and Nate play) I started crying and then yelping because the pain in my shins was so overwhelming. I tried to hold back the tears but the pain was so intense in my non-injured leg that I could not help it. But then if I try to walk on the sprained ankle/ banged up foot I topple over from the pain. Pain sucks. My body sucks. I hate my body today.
The bible says that God will not give us more than we can handle. Well I cannot handle any more God. I cannot handle all of this physical, emotional and mental pain. I was so close to checking myself into the hospital tonight. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I feel like I am coming undone and I cannot handle ANYTHING. Praise the Lord Nate is home taking care of our precious daughter. And thank God that I have friends and family that are going to watch V next week while I go to the out-patient program for depression.
However, if we cannot get this physical pain under control then I am in trouble because I just can NOT handle all of it. Hopefully we can get a prescription from my Fibromyalgia doctor for one of those knee scooter things where I put the knee of my bad foot on the scooter and I push with my other leg. With one of those my weight will be bearing down on the scooter and not my right leg. Yes, I feel totally pathetic because I need one of those knee scooters for two weeks for my sprained foot but I CAN NOT do crutches. The pain is way too intense. I feel pathetic and like a looser. I am also painfully aware of how overweight I am.
I know that I am overweight every day but I don’t have to deal with the ramifications of it every day. I know that I need to lose weight. I am not stupid or blind. I feel like some people think that I don’t think the weight is a problem. I KNOW the weight is a problem.
Food had been my drug while I have been depressed. It is totally addictive for me. I could have chosen alcohol like many do to escape. But I really don’t like the taste, it increases my fibromyalgia pain and frankly, it is a depressant. It makes depression worse. Street drugs are scary. Smoking could have been my coping crutch but I hate how it smells and I hate how it makes me feel after I smoke. Plus my husband HATES smoking. We have enough challenges in our marriage I don’t need to add another. So I eat.
I eat when I am sad, when I am angry, bored, tired, stressed, anxious and at many other times. I like the feeling of being satisfied. I like that food tastes good and that for a little while I feel good as I am eating it. Unfortunately that “good” feeling only lasts for a while so I end up eating more. My eating is a real problem. I realize my eating habits need to change. But I can only do so much at a time. I am trying to get emotionally and mentally healthy. That is a full time job. Baby steps so they say…..I will get there eventually. Sooner than later would be nice but seriously I am doing the best that I can.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Feels Like Home Again
I saw my psychiatrist today (Thursday). I took Nate and V with me. I wanted Nate to give my doc his perspective on how I am doing and on how he thinks certain medications have worked through the years. My memory has been very poor lately so I do not always remember how I did with the medications we have tried in the past. We are back to making a Carly cocktail so to speak. I take Wellbutrin and we have recently added Klonopin for anxiety. And now we are looking for something else to get the depression and anxiety back under control. Today he prescribed a low dose of Pamelor which is one of the very old tricyclic antidepressants. The goal is to eventually go off the Klonopin because it can be habit forming. That does not always happen but it can. Plus I would like to take as little medicine as possible while still getting the “no more depression” job done.
I saw my psychiatrist one week ago today. At that appointment I cried the entire half hour. Today I made it through with no tears. Yay that is improvement. Last Wednesday I saw my OBGYN and I cried through that entire appointment. She was so worried about me. I am happy to report that the constant crying has come to an end. I was beginning to wonder if I had any tears left and I was definitely dehydrated.
It is so nice to have my family home. My daughter is just delightful. She walked in the door yelling “Mommy, Mommy” and was wearing my favorite outfit of hers. It is a purple tie-dye dress with purple leggings and purple flats with a bow on them. So just looking at her makes me smile. Purple is my favorite color and I adore tie-dye. Yes I am almost 34 years old and I still love tie-dye. I have tie-dye shorts, a shirt and a hooded sweatshirt that I wear almost every day in the winter.
Back to my family, V has become so vocal and SO bossy. When I talked to Nate on the phone last night about whether I should go to urgent care for my foot V got on the phone and said “Mommy go to the doctor. I love you. Go to the doctor.” She is so adorable. She is very curious about my crutches and wants to know why I am hopping around. She also wants to help me in any way that she can. It is so sweet. If I need something she jumps up and offers to get it for me.
Having my hubby home just feels so good. It is like home was not quite home without him. I missed his hugs, smile, cuddles and so much more. I am so happy that I am feeling more emotionally stable so that I am not such a burden to him. Granted I now need a great deal of help due to my sprained ankle but at least it is something new.
I am surprised how much my foot hurts. Moving around is such a challenge. I am thankful that my man is home to fetch me water, food, books, and the TV clicker. I feel like I am being lazy and demanding but it really does hurt. I cannot imagine trying to hobble around on crutches and prepare a meal right now. I am hoping that I am much better by Monday.
I have a big day on Monday. I start the intensive out-patient (partial hospitalization) program at Sparrow (St. Lawrence campus) for my depression. I really don’t want my foot to interfere with the progress that I NEED to make in that program.
I am so ready to be done fighting this fight. Depression go away! I am tired of you and it is time for you to leave. And by the way…you are not welcome to come back either.
I saw my psychiatrist one week ago today. At that appointment I cried the entire half hour. Today I made it through with no tears. Yay that is improvement. Last Wednesday I saw my OBGYN and I cried through that entire appointment. She was so worried about me. I am happy to report that the constant crying has come to an end. I was beginning to wonder if I had any tears left and I was definitely dehydrated.
It is so nice to have my family home. My daughter is just delightful. She walked in the door yelling “Mommy, Mommy” and was wearing my favorite outfit of hers. It is a purple tie-dye dress with purple leggings and purple flats with a bow on them. So just looking at her makes me smile. Purple is my favorite color and I adore tie-dye. Yes I am almost 34 years old and I still love tie-dye. I have tie-dye shorts, a shirt and a hooded sweatshirt that I wear almost every day in the winter.
Back to my family, V has become so vocal and SO bossy. When I talked to Nate on the phone last night about whether I should go to urgent care for my foot V got on the phone and said “Mommy go to the doctor. I love you. Go to the doctor.” She is so adorable. She is very curious about my crutches and wants to know why I am hopping around. She also wants to help me in any way that she can. It is so sweet. If I need something she jumps up and offers to get it for me.
Having my hubby home just feels so good. It is like home was not quite home without him. I missed his hugs, smile, cuddles and so much more. I am so happy that I am feeling more emotionally stable so that I am not such a burden to him. Granted I now need a great deal of help due to my sprained ankle but at least it is something new.
I am surprised how much my foot hurts. Moving around is such a challenge. I am thankful that my man is home to fetch me water, food, books, and the TV clicker. I feel like I am being lazy and demanding but it really does hurt. I cannot imagine trying to hobble around on crutches and prepare a meal right now. I am hoping that I am much better by Monday.
I have a big day on Monday. I start the intensive out-patient (partial hospitalization) program at Sparrow (St. Lawrence campus) for my depression. I really don’t want my foot to interfere with the progress that I NEED to make in that program.
I am so ready to be done fighting this fight. Depression go away! I am tired of you and it is time for you to leave. And by the way…you are not welcome to come back either.
A Time For Rest
I sprained my ankle last night. The top of my foot is also extremely bruised. I have always been clumsy and clumsy and trying to get things done in a hurry doesn’t mix well. I feel down the stairs. So as you have noticed I have been posting several of the blog entries that I have written but not taken the time to edit and post. I am stuck sitting and resting.
I think God has such a good sense of humor. After having so many terrible days I really felt like God was telling me to just rest in Him yesterday and to simply rest in general. Jesus said; “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”--Matthew 11:28
I woke up at 9:00 am yesterday after a long sleepless night and decided that I needed to cancel the plans I had. I called the wonderful couple who was going to pray for me and counsel me and shared with them my feelings of sheer exhaustion. They agreed that I should just rest. So I ate and then went back to bed. While I laid in bed I imagined Jesus holding me and offering me His strength while I rested in His arms. I claimed his promises (that are found in the Bible). I claimed the promises of God giving me strength, courage, rest, hope, and a purposeful future. I feel asleep listening to praise music and slept so fabulously until 1:00 pm. I woke up refreshed and ready to take on the day. I have been feeling much less depressed since then.
I spent some time reading my Bible and praying (not much) and then started running around trying to get the house picked up before my family got home. I am going to start a partial-hospitalization (it is out-patient so I sleep at home) program for depression on Monday. Although yesterday I thought I was going to start today. I wanted to get a ton of stuff done before I started the extremely emotionally taxing and energy draining program. The program is for 7 hours day for at least 5 days. Well…I was running down the stairs and I missed a stair or two and fell right on my foot. Luckily my Dad and step-mom had just left my house and I had my cell phone in my pocket. After I finished screaming from the pain I called them and they were able to be back to help me within minutes.
As I sat with my foot elevated with ice on it I laughed to myself about God’s sense of humor. He had told me to rest and did I listen? No. I am not saying God caused the fall I just think it is funny how now I have no choice but to slow down, rest and sit with my foot elevated. I should have lots of time for reading my Bible, catching up on my blog, watching movies, and sleeping.
I do not have the hang of crutches yet. My dog woke me up at 5 am to use the bathroom (she actually just wanted to hunt in the backyard which was extremely frustrating). In my clumsy sleepy state I toppled over. Ouch. At that point (5:30 am) I called Nate and told him I needed him to come home and help me. Being the wonderful husband that he is he said "ok" and will be home any minute now.
I thought I would be ok by myself but my foot really hurts and having someone around to help will be a good thing.
Changing the subject to something happy, today is my friend Meg’s birthday. She is such a blessing to me. I am so thankful that God gave her to me as a friend. We have been friends for 20 years now. Wow! Thanks Meden Bean for being you. I love you so much and I cherish our friendship.
And another happy note…I am not feeling terribly depressed or anxious. I actually feel stable! Yay! Hip-hip-huray. I am so thankful for the rest I received yesterday. I am so thankful for God’s never ending, unstoppable, forever and always love. Thank you God for a new day and for the joy of today.
I think God has such a good sense of humor. After having so many terrible days I really felt like God was telling me to just rest in Him yesterday and to simply rest in general. Jesus said; “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”--Matthew 11:28
I woke up at 9:00 am yesterday after a long sleepless night and decided that I needed to cancel the plans I had. I called the wonderful couple who was going to pray for me and counsel me and shared with them my feelings of sheer exhaustion. They agreed that I should just rest. So I ate and then went back to bed. While I laid in bed I imagined Jesus holding me and offering me His strength while I rested in His arms. I claimed his promises (that are found in the Bible). I claimed the promises of God giving me strength, courage, rest, hope, and a purposeful future. I feel asleep listening to praise music and slept so fabulously until 1:00 pm. I woke up refreshed and ready to take on the day. I have been feeling much less depressed since then.
I spent some time reading my Bible and praying (not much) and then started running around trying to get the house picked up before my family got home. I am going to start a partial-hospitalization (it is out-patient so I sleep at home) program for depression on Monday. Although yesterday I thought I was going to start today. I wanted to get a ton of stuff done before I started the extremely emotionally taxing and energy draining program. The program is for 7 hours day for at least 5 days. Well…I was running down the stairs and I missed a stair or two and fell right on my foot. Luckily my Dad and step-mom had just left my house and I had my cell phone in my pocket. After I finished screaming from the pain I called them and they were able to be back to help me within minutes.
As I sat with my foot elevated with ice on it I laughed to myself about God’s sense of humor. He had told me to rest and did I listen? No. I am not saying God caused the fall I just think it is funny how now I have no choice but to slow down, rest and sit with my foot elevated. I should have lots of time for reading my Bible, catching up on my blog, watching movies, and sleeping.
I do not have the hang of crutches yet. My dog woke me up at 5 am to use the bathroom (she actually just wanted to hunt in the backyard which was extremely frustrating). In my clumsy sleepy state I toppled over. Ouch. At that point (5:30 am) I called Nate and told him I needed him to come home and help me. Being the wonderful husband that he is he said "ok" and will be home any minute now.
I thought I would be ok by myself but my foot really hurts and having someone around to help will be a good thing.
Changing the subject to something happy, today is my friend Meg’s birthday. She is such a blessing to me. I am so thankful that God gave her to me as a friend. We have been friends for 20 years now. Wow! Thanks Meden Bean for being you. I love you so much and I cherish our friendship.
And another happy note…I am not feeling terribly depressed or anxious. I actually feel stable! Yay! Hip-hip-huray. I am so thankful for the rest I received yesterday. I am so thankful for God’s never ending, unstoppable, forever and always love. Thank you God for a new day and for the joy of today.
Tears
Written 8-24-10
I feel terrible. I hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. I heart aches, it feels heavy and tight like someone is standing on it. I have been crying almost all the time. I had a slight break on Saturday but otherwise since Wednesday I have been crying pretty much non-stop. The tears just keep flowing. My poor dog is scared of me or worried or something. Last night when I was sobbing she went downstairs in the dark and went into her crate. Usually she wants to be on our bed with us! In fact she is always on our bed. I suppose she feels safe in her crate. Poor Jenny-Dog.
I am extremely tired. My body is tired because I have been having a terrible time sleeping. My mind is tired from me trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what I need to do to make it better, and trying to figure out all the details and responsibilities of life. My head hurts. My heart and emotions are tired. I don’t know how I still have more tears. This emotional pain is searing. I feel like a hot poker from the fire is being jabbed into my heart. It hurts. And that poker for whatever reason is not going away. I am spiritually tired. God is good. He is with me. He is powerful. But I really want him to heal me. It is time Lord. I am ready for my miraculous healing. (No I am not going to go off my medicine or stop doing the work I need to do to get healthy; I am just ready for my miracle)
And if anyone reading this is thinking that I am not willing to do the work that I need to do to help myself get ready then don’t bother reading this blog anymore. I have been working so freaking hard and I am tired of feeling like I have to justify myself to people who think I am not doing enough to get through this depression. I could list everything that I am doing but I have done that already and I am tired. And frankly, I am really ANGRY at all the people who think I am weak, not trying hard enough, or depending on others to fix it for me.
I feel terrible. I hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. I heart aches, it feels heavy and tight like someone is standing on it. I have been crying almost all the time. I had a slight break on Saturday but otherwise since Wednesday I have been crying pretty much non-stop. The tears just keep flowing. My poor dog is scared of me or worried or something. Last night when I was sobbing she went downstairs in the dark and went into her crate. Usually she wants to be on our bed with us! In fact she is always on our bed. I suppose she feels safe in her crate. Poor Jenny-Dog.
I am extremely tired. My body is tired because I have been having a terrible time sleeping. My mind is tired from me trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what I need to do to make it better, and trying to figure out all the details and responsibilities of life. My head hurts. My heart and emotions are tired. I don’t know how I still have more tears. This emotional pain is searing. I feel like a hot poker from the fire is being jabbed into my heart. It hurts. And that poker for whatever reason is not going away. I am spiritually tired. God is good. He is with me. He is powerful. But I really want him to heal me. It is time Lord. I am ready for my miraculous healing. (No I am not going to go off my medicine or stop doing the work I need to do to get healthy; I am just ready for my miracle)
And if anyone reading this is thinking that I am not willing to do the work that I need to do to help myself get ready then don’t bother reading this blog anymore. I have been working so freaking hard and I am tired of feeling like I have to justify myself to people who think I am not doing enough to get through this depression. I could list everything that I am doing but I have done that already and I am tired. And frankly, I am really ANGRY at all the people who think I am weak, not trying hard enough, or depending on others to fix it for me.
How You Can Help
If you read my blog on a regular basis this is very similar to the second half of my last post, Pissed Off But Hopeful.
I chatted with my wonderful friend the other night and I realized that I should share some of the things I told her. While I spoke with her I shared what she can do to help me and I also expressed what I do not expect from her. I thought it would be helpful to share it with all of you.
I understand that most people do not understand depression. I understand that most people do not understand why I cannot just feel better, why I cannot just put a smile on my face and think positively. I don’t expect you to understand.
I do not expect people to have the “right” thing to say to me. There is no “right” thing. I just want you to listen to me. You can tell me you love me and that you care about me. It also really helps me when you tell me why you love me and like me. It is easy in the middle of depression to not be able to see yourself clearly. I often feel lousy and worth very little. I feel like I am no fun, a burden, and not all that likeable. Therefore, it is very helpful for you to remind me why you like and love me.
People can also pray for me and with me. God is powerful. He hears and answers prayers. I don’t always understand why he doesn’t answer them right away but he does answer them.
Jesus said, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.—Luke 11:9.
God’s word also says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity. –Jeremiah 29:11-14
You can call, text, or write just to say hello and that you care about me. Those messages are so helpful. They make me feel loved, give me hope and remind me what I am fighting for.
I understand that it is not always easy to talk to me on the phone. I realize that this (depression) is old news. It is ok if you don’t feel like talking to me because it is exhausting and depressing to you. I get that. A simple “I love you and I am thinking of you” message does wonders for me. The last thing I want to be is a burden to those whom I love.
I also love to hear about all the good things going on in my friends and families lives. Please do not feel that you cannot talk to me about your life because it will make me feel worse. It fills me with joy to hear about those I love thriving and doing well. Also don’t feel like you cannot talk to me about your problems. All problems big or small are real and have very real emotions attached to them. I want to be your friend. I want to listen and encourage you. If you are hurting I want to hurt with you. If you are stressed out I want to listen to you vent. So please don’t hold back with me.
There is really only one bad thing you can say to me. And that is; “just get over it.” I would love to do just that but for whatever reason it is just not that simple.
I want to thank all of you who take the time to read this blog. Thank you to all my friends and family who are supporting, loving and praying for me right now. I have a great deal of hope today. I am a fighter. I will continue to fight until the battle is won. One of my mottos right now is that tomorrow is a new day. “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning”. –Psalm 30:5 Yay for new days!
I chatted with my wonderful friend the other night and I realized that I should share some of the things I told her. While I spoke with her I shared what she can do to help me and I also expressed what I do not expect from her. I thought it would be helpful to share it with all of you.
I understand that most people do not understand depression. I understand that most people do not understand why I cannot just feel better, why I cannot just put a smile on my face and think positively. I don’t expect you to understand.
I do not expect people to have the “right” thing to say to me. There is no “right” thing. I just want you to listen to me. You can tell me you love me and that you care about me. It also really helps me when you tell me why you love me and like me. It is easy in the middle of depression to not be able to see yourself clearly. I often feel lousy and worth very little. I feel like I am no fun, a burden, and not all that likeable. Therefore, it is very helpful for you to remind me why you like and love me.
People can also pray for me and with me. God is powerful. He hears and answers prayers. I don’t always understand why he doesn’t answer them right away but he does answer them.
Jesus said, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.—Luke 11:9.
God’s word also says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity. –Jeremiah 29:11-14
You can call, text, or write just to say hello and that you care about me. Those messages are so helpful. They make me feel loved, give me hope and remind me what I am fighting for.
I understand that it is not always easy to talk to me on the phone. I realize that this (depression) is old news. It is ok if you don’t feel like talking to me because it is exhausting and depressing to you. I get that. A simple “I love you and I am thinking of you” message does wonders for me. The last thing I want to be is a burden to those whom I love.
I also love to hear about all the good things going on in my friends and families lives. Please do not feel that you cannot talk to me about your life because it will make me feel worse. It fills me with joy to hear about those I love thriving and doing well. Also don’t feel like you cannot talk to me about your problems. All problems big or small are real and have very real emotions attached to them. I want to be your friend. I want to listen and encourage you. If you are hurting I want to hurt with you. If you are stressed out I want to listen to you vent. So please don’t hold back with me.
There is really only one bad thing you can say to me. And that is; “just get over it.” I would love to do just that but for whatever reason it is just not that simple.
I want to thank all of you who take the time to read this blog. Thank you to all my friends and family who are supporting, loving and praying for me right now. I have a great deal of hope today. I am a fighter. I will continue to fight until the battle is won. One of my mottos right now is that tomorrow is a new day. “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning”. –Psalm 30:5 Yay for new days!
Pissed Off But Full of Hope
Written 8-18-10
To those of you who are reading this blog I have a message for you:
Thank you for taking time to walk with me through this very painful and difficult journey. In my following post I share some very raw and angry thoughts. (I have actually edited out much of the profanity.) Please do not take offence to them. This blog is a place for me to be transparent and honest about how I am feeling. It is very personal. It was a difficult decision for me to decide to share my feelings with all of you. So PLEASE do not critique my thoughts and feelings. They are often times unfiltered and that is how they need to be. The only reason I decided to share my battle with depression was to encourage others who struggle with depression. Hopefully by reading it they know that they are not alone. Thank you for your support and encouragement.
I am so pissed off right now. Where do I begin? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I have received some criticism on my blog. If you cannot handle reading my blog without critiquing it then don’t read it. Apparently it (my blog) is not a good idea (according to some” know it all”) because it is not positive enough. Screw you! I am the freaking most positive depressed person I know. Screw you to all of you people who think I am not working hard enough or trying hard enough. I am so sick of trying so hard and still struggling with depression and anxiety.
I understand that most people do not understand depression. I understand that most people do not understand why I cannot just feel better, why I cannot just put a smile on my face and think positively. I don’t expect you to understand. Either do some research on major reoccurring treatment resistant depression and anxiety and realize that there is more to this than a positive attitude or just don’t share your opinions about what I need to do to get better with me. Learn about how this is more than just “in my head” and that it is not some character flaw or some sort of weakness.
I am also so pissed that I have been trying so freaking hard to be and get healthy and I am still not healthy. Seriously! I cried three times yesterday, I cried all day today and I have been crying EVERY day for a couple of weeks now. I am tired of having to try so hard to just make it through the days. I am simply tired. I want to scream and break things but that would take a bunch of energy and I have so little energy.
It is not like I want to be depressed. I don't like missing out on life. I want to yell! At least I am not drinking or taking drugs to deal with the pain of the depression. At least I am not abusing myself, others or substances which would only compound the problem. Give me a little freaking credit here.
I am pissed off about someone who is too busy to talk to me on the phone. It is not that hard to take a little time out of your day once every couple of weeks to chat with me. I realize people have lives of their own. I don’t expect them to stop living their lives just because I am still and once again having a hard time.
Yes, I realize that this (depression) is old news. I realize that I am pretty much always struggling with depression. It is ok to feel like I am a burden. It is ok if you don’t want to make yourself available to me because talking to me is exhausting and depressing. I get that. Just doesn’t freaking profess your love for me and declare that you are here for me when you are only doing it because you feel you have to or something. Don’t make promises that you don’t really want to keep.
I am so tired of all of this. I want to give up. I won’t but I want to. Tomorrow is a new day. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. –Psalm 30:5 Yay for new days!
I wrote this blog entry over a week ago. I did not publish it because I wanted to edit it enough as to not offend anyone reading it.
I have since then had a wonderful honest conversation with a fabulous friend. (I love you J.) While I spoke with her I shared what she can do to help me and also expressed what I do not expect from her. I thought it would be helpful to share it with all of you.
I do not expect people to have the “right” thing to say to me. There is no “right” thing. I just want you to listen to me. You can tell me you love me and that you care about me. It also really helps me when you tell me why you love me and like me. It is easy in the middle of depression to not be able to see yourself clearly. I often feel lousy and worth very little. I feel like I am no fun, a burden, and not all that likeable. Therefore, it is very helpful for you to remind me why you like and love me.
People can also pray for me and with me. God is powerful. He hears and answers prayers. I don’t always understand why he doesn’t answer them right away but he does answer them.
Jesus said, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.—Luke 11:9.
God’s word also says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity. –Jeremiah 29:11-14
You can call, text, or write just to say hello and that you care about me. Those messages are so helpful. They make me feel loved, give me hope and remind me what I am fighting for.
I also love to hear about all the good things going on in my friends and families lives. Please do not feel that you cannot talk to me about your life because you think it will make me feel worse. It fills me with joy to hear about those I love thriving and doing well. Also don’t feel like you cannot talk to me about your problems. All problems big or small are real and have very real emotions attached to them. I want to be your friend. I want to listen and encourage you. If you are hurting I want to hurt with you. If you are stressed out I want to listen to you vent. So please don’t hold back with me.
There is really only one bad thing you can say to me. And that is; “just get over it.” I would love to do just that but for whatever reason it is just not that simple.
I want to thank all of you who take the time to read this blog. Thank you to all my friends and family who are supporting, loving and praying for me right now. I have a great deal of hope today. I am a fighter. I will continue to fight until the battle is won.
To those of you who are reading this blog I have a message for you:
Thank you for taking time to walk with me through this very painful and difficult journey. In my following post I share some very raw and angry thoughts. (I have actually edited out much of the profanity.) Please do not take offence to them. This blog is a place for me to be transparent and honest about how I am feeling. It is very personal. It was a difficult decision for me to decide to share my feelings with all of you. So PLEASE do not critique my thoughts and feelings. They are often times unfiltered and that is how they need to be. The only reason I decided to share my battle with depression was to encourage others who struggle with depression. Hopefully by reading it they know that they are not alone. Thank you for your support and encouragement.
I am so pissed off right now. Where do I begin? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I have received some criticism on my blog. If you cannot handle reading my blog without critiquing it then don’t read it. Apparently it (my blog) is not a good idea (according to some” know it all”) because it is not positive enough. Screw you! I am the freaking most positive depressed person I know. Screw you to all of you people who think I am not working hard enough or trying hard enough. I am so sick of trying so hard and still struggling with depression and anxiety.
I understand that most people do not understand depression. I understand that most people do not understand why I cannot just feel better, why I cannot just put a smile on my face and think positively. I don’t expect you to understand. Either do some research on major reoccurring treatment resistant depression and anxiety and realize that there is more to this than a positive attitude or just don’t share your opinions about what I need to do to get better with me. Learn about how this is more than just “in my head” and that it is not some character flaw or some sort of weakness.
I am also so pissed that I have been trying so freaking hard to be and get healthy and I am still not healthy. Seriously! I cried three times yesterday, I cried all day today and I have been crying EVERY day for a couple of weeks now. I am tired of having to try so hard to just make it through the days. I am simply tired. I want to scream and break things but that would take a bunch of energy and I have so little energy.
It is not like I want to be depressed. I don't like missing out on life. I want to yell! At least I am not drinking or taking drugs to deal with the pain of the depression. At least I am not abusing myself, others or substances which would only compound the problem. Give me a little freaking credit here.
I am pissed off about someone who is too busy to talk to me on the phone. It is not that hard to take a little time out of your day once every couple of weeks to chat with me. I realize people have lives of their own. I don’t expect them to stop living their lives just because I am still and once again having a hard time.
Yes, I realize that this (depression) is old news. I realize that I am pretty much always struggling with depression. It is ok to feel like I am a burden. It is ok if you don’t want to make yourself available to me because talking to me is exhausting and depressing. I get that. Just doesn’t freaking profess your love for me and declare that you are here for me when you are only doing it because you feel you have to or something. Don’t make promises that you don’t really want to keep.
I am so tired of all of this. I want to give up. I won’t but I want to. Tomorrow is a new day. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. –Psalm 30:5 Yay for new days!
I wrote this blog entry over a week ago. I did not publish it because I wanted to edit it enough as to not offend anyone reading it.
I have since then had a wonderful honest conversation with a fabulous friend. (I love you J.) While I spoke with her I shared what she can do to help me and also expressed what I do not expect from her. I thought it would be helpful to share it with all of you.
I do not expect people to have the “right” thing to say to me. There is no “right” thing. I just want you to listen to me. You can tell me you love me and that you care about me. It also really helps me when you tell me why you love me and like me. It is easy in the middle of depression to not be able to see yourself clearly. I often feel lousy and worth very little. I feel like I am no fun, a burden, and not all that likeable. Therefore, it is very helpful for you to remind me why you like and love me.
People can also pray for me and with me. God is powerful. He hears and answers prayers. I don’t always understand why he doesn’t answer them right away but he does answer them.
Jesus said, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.—Luke 11:9.
God’s word also says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity. –Jeremiah 29:11-14
You can call, text, or write just to say hello and that you care about me. Those messages are so helpful. They make me feel loved, give me hope and remind me what I am fighting for.
I also love to hear about all the good things going on in my friends and families lives. Please do not feel that you cannot talk to me about your life because you think it will make me feel worse. It fills me with joy to hear about those I love thriving and doing well. Also don’t feel like you cannot talk to me about your problems. All problems big or small are real and have very real emotions attached to them. I want to be your friend. I want to listen and encourage you. If you are hurting I want to hurt with you. If you are stressed out I want to listen to you vent. So please don’t hold back with me.
There is really only one bad thing you can say to me. And that is; “just get over it.” I would love to do just that but for whatever reason it is just not that simple.
I want to thank all of you who take the time to read this blog. Thank you to all my friends and family who are supporting, loving and praying for me right now. I have a great deal of hope today. I am a fighter. I will continue to fight until the battle is won.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Anxious
I wrote this late on Sunday(8-15-10) night.
I don‘t know where to begin with my thoughts about today. God challenged me a great deal during church and I am not exactly how I feel about it.
I have spent the rest of the day incredibly anxious. My anxiety makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel sick. I feel like my heart is tight, tense and very uncomfortable. I feel like I want to give myself a shot of some sedative medication (ativan, xanx, valium or something else) strait into my heart. I am extremely irritable. I want to feel joyful but I feel overwhelmingly irritable. Even my body is irritable. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be intense. I am so intense. I can’t seem to relax, laugh, I get stressed so easily, I need to deal with things immediately and we must do it my way. I hate how I feel. Yuck yuck yuck! It is 12:24 and I desperately want to be sleeping. I need to be sleeping but I am too anxious to fall asleep.
Anyway, I am tired and I want to go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
I don‘t know where to begin with my thoughts about today. God challenged me a great deal during church and I am not exactly how I feel about it.
I have spent the rest of the day incredibly anxious. My anxiety makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel sick. I feel like my heart is tight, tense and very uncomfortable. I feel like I want to give myself a shot of some sedative medication (ativan, xanx, valium or something else) strait into my heart. I am extremely irritable. I want to feel joyful but I feel overwhelmingly irritable. Even my body is irritable. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be intense. I am so intense. I can’t seem to relax, laugh, I get stressed so easily, I need to deal with things immediately and we must do it my way. I hate how I feel. Yuck yuck yuck! It is 12:24 and I desperately want to be sleeping. I need to be sleeping but I am too anxious to fall asleep.
Anyway, I am tired and I want to go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
Monday, August 16, 2010
So Anxious!
8-14-10
I am not able to sleep. It is so frustrating because I am sooooooooooooooooooooo tired but I am also so very anxious. This anxiety is not all in my head. I am not worrying about some silly stuff that is going on in my life but my body is anxious. I feel like I am in fight or flight mode. I have adrenalin rushing through me and I cannot seem to calm down. I have done guided meditation (relaxation exercises), I have exercised, prayed, and done all the “things” that are supposed to help with anxiety but I still feel all hopped up. I am edgy, irritable and intense! I have done the deep breathing exercises and taken my medicine. I really wanted to go to bed because I am truly tired but my body is just not cooperating. I don’t understand what the deal is.
Now I am trying wine. This is always my last resort because alcohol is a depressant. And I really don’t need any help being depressed. I have got that one perfected all on my own, no help is necessary. I am hoping this helps chill me out enough to finally go to sleep. I realize the alcohol may prevent me from sleeping soundly but at this point I will take any sleep I can get. It is 1:00 am and my daughter will be awake bright eyed and busy tailed at 7 am sharp. Oh how I long for sleep. Oh how I long to have my body at peace and not jittery and anxious.
Well I am off to try bed again. Maybe I will take a long hot shower first. Maybe……
Unfortunately I did not get to sleep until 4 am. My wonderful husband let me sleep until 8:20. Praise the Lord!
I am not able to sleep. It is so frustrating because I am sooooooooooooooooooooo tired but I am also so very anxious. This anxiety is not all in my head. I am not worrying about some silly stuff that is going on in my life but my body is anxious. I feel like I am in fight or flight mode. I have adrenalin rushing through me and I cannot seem to calm down. I have done guided meditation (relaxation exercises), I have exercised, prayed, and done all the “things” that are supposed to help with anxiety but I still feel all hopped up. I am edgy, irritable and intense! I have done the deep breathing exercises and taken my medicine. I really wanted to go to bed because I am truly tired but my body is just not cooperating. I don’t understand what the deal is.
Now I am trying wine. This is always my last resort because alcohol is a depressant. And I really don’t need any help being depressed. I have got that one perfected all on my own, no help is necessary. I am hoping this helps chill me out enough to finally go to sleep. I realize the alcohol may prevent me from sleeping soundly but at this point I will take any sleep I can get. It is 1:00 am and my daughter will be awake bright eyed and busy tailed at 7 am sharp. Oh how I long for sleep. Oh how I long to have my body at peace and not jittery and anxious.
Well I am off to try bed again. Maybe I will take a long hot shower first. Maybe……
Unfortunately I did not get to sleep until 4 am. My wonderful husband let me sleep until 8:20. Praise the Lord!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Still Struggling
I am still struggling. I wish I could report that I am all better. I suppose I am a bit better. I am still crying every day but I do have my daughter home with me again 3 days a week. I do not let myself cry in front of her. There have been times in the past when I have and she very sweetly says “Mommy why are you sad?” I find it extremely hard to answer her question so I avoid crying in front of her. That is a good thing though; she does not need to be worried about me. It is her job to learn, grow, play, experience and enjoy life.
Back to me…..I am still struggling. Oh how I wish I was not writing about myself. I am tired of me. It would be wonderful to be writing about something new, fun and fresh. Oh well. I knew that my diagnosis way back when was depression and anxiety but for the past year the depression has been more of a problem. Since I have gone off Celexa the anxiety has been out of control so I decided to do some reading about anxiety. It turns out that I have ALL the symptoms of generalized anxiety.
If you are suffering of from generalized anxiety disorder, it’s likely that you have difficulty concentrating; tire easily; are restless, irritable, and fidgety; and have problems falling asleep and staying asleep. –Dr. Don Colbert, MD
Several of the ways for me to combat anxiety are similar to depression. The big one is my thoughts. I need to keep my thoughts positive (interesting because when I am healthy I am naturally a very positive person) and stop negative untrue thoughts from entering my mind.
The things we dwell on create mind-sets. Worldly mind-sets lead to depression and anxiety, but spiritual mind-sets lead to life and peace. Peace is the opposite of anxiety, and we can develop peace by reprogramming and tearing down all mind-sets or strongholds contrary to God’s Word and replacing them with Scriptures. –Dr. Don Colbert, MD
So not only am I taking medication (anti-anxiety meds and a new anti-depressant medication that should help with anxiety) but I am working on my thought life. I feel like this is a constant battle. Seriously, I feel like I have to redirect my thoughts every 5 minutes. I start to feel anxious and before I even realize what I am thinking I have to say to myself “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Peace, I choose peace. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I am thankful for…….” It is helping. I just feel like I have to do it all the time. I start to feel overwhelmed (really really overwhelmed) at least every hour and I have to talk to myself about how it is ok if all I do is lean on God and take good care of my daughter.
The to-do list is so long. Actually I have stopped making a list because that gives me an anxiety attack. It is so hard to be ok with doing my best. I don’t feel like my best is enough. For all the thought, time, energy and prayer I am putting into my days you would think that I would be accomplishing great things. I am simply making it through the days. I suppose that is good but I am tired of working SO hard and accomplishing so little.
My daughter’s birthday was on June 2nd and I still have not written and sent the thank you notes. I have wanted to clean and organize V and my rooms for a month now. Ok……STOP Carly! Going over everything that needs to be done is not going to do you any good. Besides I don’t have the time to write it all down.
I have decided to keep a Gratitude/Happy Journal next to my bed. Every morning when I wake up I write a few things down that I am grateful for and that make me happy. Then again before bed I write some more. Sometimes I add more throughout the day. If I am thinking about what I am grateful for I will not be thinking about being sad, in pain, overwhelmed or anxious. Here are the latest……
8-11-10
327. My counselor is really helpful and he truly cares about me.
328. Watching my hubby and daughter play brought me so much joy.
329. I had time to read
330. I sent out a package to my friend with a new baby and two thank you notes!
331. I get to spend the day with V tomorrow.
8-12-10
332. Got to cuddle with V
333. Nate does not have a job that takes him overseas. He comes home to us every night.
334. Camp friends
335. Camp memories
336. God’s very real presence in my life
337. My devotional spoke directly, specifically and perfectly to me today!
338. My friend Rebecca messages me every day to see how I am doing. What an awesome friend!
339. Quality time with V
340. I had a good nap.
341. Hope
342. I am not alone
343. My hubby!
8-13-10
344. I got a shower this morning
345. Woke up feeling good
346. God’s creation is amazing
347. Woke up to a clean sink and counters (because I found the energy to do the dishes, sink and counter tops last night).
348. Singing
349. Swinging
350. My church family
I have also decided to print out certain Bible verses that I want to memorize and post around the house. When I stop the negative thoughts or mind-sets I want to have truth to replace them with. Here are a few that I have so far.
Philippians 4:12-13 12 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Psalm 28:7 7 "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."
Nehemiah 8:10 This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve (be dejected and sad), for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”
Phil 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
Ok it is time to move on with my day. I choose to feel good. I choose to be at peace. I choose to think true thoughts. I choose to reject lies about me. I choose to smile and have fun today. I am going to go do some relaxation exercises, pick up a bit and take a short nap. Sounds good.
Back to me…..I am still struggling. Oh how I wish I was not writing about myself. I am tired of me. It would be wonderful to be writing about something new, fun and fresh. Oh well. I knew that my diagnosis way back when was depression and anxiety but for the past year the depression has been more of a problem. Since I have gone off Celexa the anxiety has been out of control so I decided to do some reading about anxiety. It turns out that I have ALL the symptoms of generalized anxiety.
If you are suffering of from generalized anxiety disorder, it’s likely that you have difficulty concentrating; tire easily; are restless, irritable, and fidgety; and have problems falling asleep and staying asleep. –Dr. Don Colbert, MD
Several of the ways for me to combat anxiety are similar to depression. The big one is my thoughts. I need to keep my thoughts positive (interesting because when I am healthy I am naturally a very positive person) and stop negative untrue thoughts from entering my mind.
The things we dwell on create mind-sets. Worldly mind-sets lead to depression and anxiety, but spiritual mind-sets lead to life and peace. Peace is the opposite of anxiety, and we can develop peace by reprogramming and tearing down all mind-sets or strongholds contrary to God’s Word and replacing them with Scriptures. –Dr. Don Colbert, MD
So not only am I taking medication (anti-anxiety meds and a new anti-depressant medication that should help with anxiety) but I am working on my thought life. I feel like this is a constant battle. Seriously, I feel like I have to redirect my thoughts every 5 minutes. I start to feel anxious and before I even realize what I am thinking I have to say to myself “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Peace, I choose peace. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I am thankful for…….” It is helping. I just feel like I have to do it all the time. I start to feel overwhelmed (really really overwhelmed) at least every hour and I have to talk to myself about how it is ok if all I do is lean on God and take good care of my daughter.
The to-do list is so long. Actually I have stopped making a list because that gives me an anxiety attack. It is so hard to be ok with doing my best. I don’t feel like my best is enough. For all the thought, time, energy and prayer I am putting into my days you would think that I would be accomplishing great things. I am simply making it through the days. I suppose that is good but I am tired of working SO hard and accomplishing so little.
My daughter’s birthday was on June 2nd and I still have not written and sent the thank you notes. I have wanted to clean and organize V and my rooms for a month now. Ok……STOP Carly! Going over everything that needs to be done is not going to do you any good. Besides I don’t have the time to write it all down.
I have decided to keep a Gratitude/Happy Journal next to my bed. Every morning when I wake up I write a few things down that I am grateful for and that make me happy. Then again before bed I write some more. Sometimes I add more throughout the day. If I am thinking about what I am grateful for I will not be thinking about being sad, in pain, overwhelmed or anxious. Here are the latest……
8-11-10
327. My counselor is really helpful and he truly cares about me.
328. Watching my hubby and daughter play brought me so much joy.
329. I had time to read
330. I sent out a package to my friend with a new baby and two thank you notes!
331. I get to spend the day with V tomorrow.
8-12-10
332. Got to cuddle with V
333. Nate does not have a job that takes him overseas. He comes home to us every night.
334. Camp friends
335. Camp memories
336. God’s very real presence in my life
337. My devotional spoke directly, specifically and perfectly to me today!
338. My friend Rebecca messages me every day to see how I am doing. What an awesome friend!
339. Quality time with V
340. I had a good nap.
341. Hope
342. I am not alone
343. My hubby!
8-13-10
344. I got a shower this morning
345. Woke up feeling good
346. God’s creation is amazing
347. Woke up to a clean sink and counters (because I found the energy to do the dishes, sink and counter tops last night).
348. Singing
349. Swinging
350. My church family
I have also decided to print out certain Bible verses that I want to memorize and post around the house. When I stop the negative thoughts or mind-sets I want to have truth to replace them with. Here are a few that I have so far.
Philippians 4:12-13 12 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Psalm 28:7 7 "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."
Nehemiah 8:10 This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve (be dejected and sad), for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”
Phil 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
Ok it is time to move on with my day. I choose to feel good. I choose to be at peace. I choose to think true thoughts. I choose to reject lies about me. I choose to smile and have fun today. I am going to go do some relaxation exercises, pick up a bit and take a short nap. Sounds good.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Happy List
8-9-2010
303. My amazing husband
304. Quality alone time with him
305. My cuddly dog
306. God used me to speak to other women on Saturday when I gave a talk on our minds and our thoughts. Thank you Holy Spirit for speaking through me.
307. God is always with me
308. My daughter, she is such a blessing!
309. Dad and Sharon watching and loving on Vienna
310. My friend Rebecca. She is so sweet and encouraging to me.
311. My parents have been willing to help watch Vienna so I can have breaks.
8-10-2010
312. I woke up praising God today
313. I am determined to have a good day
314. If God is for me who can be against me?
315. God is so real
316. I was blessed by Steve (the homeless man who plays his guitar on the corner) today.
317. My daughter learned a valuable lesson about blessing and helping other people.
318. Swimming with Marcie and Addison
319. I feel good today! I am tired and sore but NOT depressed.
320. My daughter has not been nearly as fussy today as yesterday!
321. The joy of reading my daughter book:)
322. My comfortable bed
8-11-2010
323. Pretty good sleep last night
323. My daughter’s rainbow color tie-dye dress, I love it and I love seeing her in it.
324. I had a good day yesterday
325. Yummy breakfast
326. God’s Word
303. My amazing husband
304. Quality alone time with him
305. My cuddly dog
306. God used me to speak to other women on Saturday when I gave a talk on our minds and our thoughts. Thank you Holy Spirit for speaking through me.
307. God is always with me
308. My daughter, she is such a blessing!
309. Dad and Sharon watching and loving on Vienna
310. My friend Rebecca. She is so sweet and encouraging to me.
311. My parents have been willing to help watch Vienna so I can have breaks.
8-10-2010
312. I woke up praising God today
313. I am determined to have a good day
314. If God is for me who can be against me?
315. God is so real
316. I was blessed by Steve (the homeless man who plays his guitar on the corner) today.
317. My daughter learned a valuable lesson about blessing and helping other people.
318. Swimming with Marcie and Addison
319. I feel good today! I am tired and sore but NOT depressed.
320. My daughter has not been nearly as fussy today as yesterday!
321. The joy of reading my daughter book:)
322. My comfortable bed
8-11-2010
323. Pretty good sleep last night
323. My daughter’s rainbow color tie-dye dress, I love it and I love seeing her in it.
324. I had a good day yesterday
325. Yummy breakfast
326. God’s Word
Monday, August 9, 2010
Weary
I am so tired today. I feel like I have not slept in days but I actually got almost ten hours of sleep. Well I was in bed for that long but I woke up what seemed like every hour. I am so weary of this stinking battle. I am battle weary. I am so ready to not be struggling with depression and anxiety anymore. I have had an extremely hard week. I think I have cried every day this week. I sobbed for like an hour on Thursday night and then again today. Crying is good. It is cleansing and all that but seriously, every day, that is way too much cleansing.
Not only do I feel weary and so tired but I am extremely anxious. I feel like everything is overwhelming.
I have been crying out to God for help. Today I begged Him to heal me and let me be done with this damn depression.
I gave a talk to some of the ladies in my church on Saturday. It was about having godly, positive thoughts rather than negative ones. I tried so many times last week to sit down and try to organize my thoughts and the message I wanted to give but I was so stinking depressed that I could not make it happen. I felt like every day was a battle to be fought. I was so tired, anxious, sad, unmotivated, blah, edgy, insecure and overwhelmed. Thank goodness God is God and His message came through in spite of me. The Holy Spirit gave me the strength and the words I needed to share. The night before the talk I was wishing I would start vomiting so I would not have to do it. Normally I love teaching and preaching but not the depressed version of me.
Earlier I felt like I had so much that I wanted to write about. But now I am just too tired. I feel like I am always too tired. I called the doctor about having another sleep test to see if I have sleep apnea or something. I might or I might just have the same old depressed anxious sleep problems.
I think I will go try to pray and go to bed. I say try to pray because I have been having a terrible time staying focused lately. Luckily God knows my heart. Even if I cannot formulate sentences to express my needs and prayers God knows them. I am so thankful I am not alone in this battle. I feel like crap but I know that one thing is true; I believe in an awesome, powerful, and loving God. I will praise Him even though I don’t feel like it and tomorrow will be a new start. God’s mercies are new in the morning and joy comes in the morning.
Not only do I feel weary and so tired but I am extremely anxious. I feel like everything is overwhelming.
I have been crying out to God for help. Today I begged Him to heal me and let me be done with this damn depression.
I gave a talk to some of the ladies in my church on Saturday. It was about having godly, positive thoughts rather than negative ones. I tried so many times last week to sit down and try to organize my thoughts and the message I wanted to give but I was so stinking depressed that I could not make it happen. I felt like every day was a battle to be fought. I was so tired, anxious, sad, unmotivated, blah, edgy, insecure and overwhelmed. Thank goodness God is God and His message came through in spite of me. The Holy Spirit gave me the strength and the words I needed to share. The night before the talk I was wishing I would start vomiting so I would not have to do it. Normally I love teaching and preaching but not the depressed version of me.
Earlier I felt like I had so much that I wanted to write about. But now I am just too tired. I feel like I am always too tired. I called the doctor about having another sleep test to see if I have sleep apnea or something. I might or I might just have the same old depressed anxious sleep problems.
I think I will go try to pray and go to bed. I say try to pray because I have been having a terrible time staying focused lately. Luckily God knows my heart. Even if I cannot formulate sentences to express my needs and prayers God knows them. I am so thankful I am not alone in this battle. I feel like crap but I know that one thing is true; I believe in an awesome, powerful, and loving God. I will praise Him even though I don’t feel like it and tomorrow will be a new start. God’s mercies are new in the morning and joy comes in the morning.
Back to the Basics
8-5-2010
I feel anxious, emotional, overwhelmed and out of control this morning. So I keep reminding myself “focus on one thing.” God keeps reminding me to put him first and then everything else will fall into place. If I focus on one thing it needs to be God. If I accomplish one thing today it needs to be taking time to sit with God, speak to Him, let Him speak to me and read His Word. As I have been crying out to him frantic and upset about how my days have been going I have not been listening to his quiet whisper “rest in me.” Throughout this whole experience (terrible episode of depression) God has been telling me to start my days with Him.
Yesterday after an hour and 15 minutes of crying in my therapy session I left knowing I needed to get back to the basics. I have not been sleeping well and everything has been falling apart since. I have a million things I want to do, work on and catch up on that I cannot stop thinking about. I think I use so much energy thinking about all this “stuff” that I am too exhausted to do much of anything. So yesterday my therapist told me I needed to get back to a bedtime (I have been staying up late due to anxiety and poor decision making). So back to the basics I go, I will put God first and go to bed by 11:00 pm every night.
I feel anxious, emotional, overwhelmed and out of control this morning. So I keep reminding myself “focus on one thing.” God keeps reminding me to put him first and then everything else will fall into place. If I focus on one thing it needs to be God. If I accomplish one thing today it needs to be taking time to sit with God, speak to Him, let Him speak to me and read His Word. As I have been crying out to him frantic and upset about how my days have been going I have not been listening to his quiet whisper “rest in me.” Throughout this whole experience (terrible episode of depression) God has been telling me to start my days with Him.
Yesterday after an hour and 15 minutes of crying in my therapy session I left knowing I needed to get back to the basics. I have not been sleeping well and everything has been falling apart since. I have a million things I want to do, work on and catch up on that I cannot stop thinking about. I think I use so much energy thinking about all this “stuff” that I am too exhausted to do much of anything. So yesterday my therapist told me I needed to get back to a bedtime (I have been staying up late due to anxiety and poor decision making). So back to the basics I go, I will put God first and go to bed by 11:00 pm every night.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Trading My Sorrows
Written Friday 7-30-2010
My delightful daughter loves to sing. I love to sing. I am so happy that I have passed that on to her. She has been filling my heart with joy lately because she has been singing the song, Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans almost all the time. This is one of my favorite songs. But most importantly it has extremely significant meaning to me. I have included the words below.
Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans
I’m trading my sorrows
I’m trading my shame
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord
I’m trading my sickness
I’m trading my pain
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen
I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I’m blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
For His joy’s is gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
I was first introduced to this song in 1999. That fall I was starting to get very sick. At first I noticed that I could no longer run. I ran cross country in high school and had run on and off throughout college. It was the strangest thing. I would start running (as a workout) and I found that my body just could not do it anymore. It would hurt (which is not uncommon with running) but more so I did not have the energy to do it. I couldn’t get my body to go and keep going. I then started having widespread body pain, extreme fatigue, headaches, heart palpitations, and a very weak immune system. I worked with the youth at my church and I found that I just could not handle slumber parties or all night events anymore. I was only 22 years old. My family doctor sent me to several specialists and we eventually found out that I had Fibromyalgia. I was so sick the spring of 2000 that I could barely get out of bed. I would walk from my bedroom to the living room and have to lay down on the couch to rest. I dropped around 40 pounds because I did not have the energy to prepare food much less go to the grocery store.
I was a student at Taylor University at this time. I had to drop down to part-time and I still received incompletes in a couple of my classes. I could not function. I was so incredibly weak. My heart was so very weary. I felt betrayed by my body. I felt like a weak person, a person of weak character. Why couldn’t I just muster up the energy to function? I was struggling with depression as well. Not only did my body hurt physically but my heart hurt emotionally as well.
At Taylor we had chapel services every Monday Wednesday and Friday. Trading My Sorrows was a song that we sang frequently. I remember belting out those words as a declaration to the world; I Carly am trading my sickness and pain for the joy of the Lord. I would tell myself over and over again (trying to convince myself); I trade this damn Fibromyalgia for the joy of the Lord. I would hold up my hands to God in submission saying yes Lord. I was saying yes Lord I choose your plan for my life even though I don’t understand it and I certainly don’t like it. I remember clinging to the words, “I am pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned struck down but not destroyed….His promise will endure….His joy’s gonna be my strength. Though the sorrow may last for the night his joy comes with the morning.” Man, did I ever need strength. This song became like a mantra that I sang to myself every day.
And now it is July 2010. I have been struggling with this particular (very nasty) bought of depression since February 2009. Once again this song has helped me through a very difficult time. I think the reason Vienna loves this song is because I frequently blast it in the car and belt out the words with passion and urgency in my voice. I am once again claiming the words of this song as truth in my life. I am choosing (I have to choose every day) joy instead of sorrow, shame, sickness and pain. I am reminding myself that I am struck down but not destroyed! I believe that God’s promise of strength and joy in the morning (each day is a new day) is true. I believe that this promise is unfailing and will truly endure through all the hardships I am faced with. I am trusting, believing and claiming God’s promise that joy does come in the morning. I choose to believe that if I choose joy that it will be strength to me. And you know what? God’s joy has given me so much strength. There is no way that I would have made it through this past year without God. Seriously, I am not sure I would be alive. That is how terrible this depression has been. I have felt so utterly hopeless and have been in so much devastating pain that I would have given up without Jesus, my husband and delightful daughter. Thank you Lord Jesus for giving me strength. Thank you Lord for loving me unconditionally and for never ever giving up on me. I am so very grateful.
Thank you sweet delightful Vienna for blessing me with your beautiful but very out of tune voice. I love it when you sing this powerful and uplifting song. I love you my daughter.
I love you my Lord. And God, I love your words of truth.
Once again I sing with all my heart...
I’m trading my sorrows
I’m trading my shame
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord
I’m trading my sickness
I’m trading my pain
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen
I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I’m blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
For His joy’s is gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
My delightful daughter loves to sing. I love to sing. I am so happy that I have passed that on to her. She has been filling my heart with joy lately because she has been singing the song, Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans almost all the time. This is one of my favorite songs. But most importantly it has extremely significant meaning to me. I have included the words below.
Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans
I’m trading my sorrows
I’m trading my shame
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord
I’m trading my sickness
I’m trading my pain
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen
I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I’m blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
For His joy’s is gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
I was first introduced to this song in 1999. That fall I was starting to get very sick. At first I noticed that I could no longer run. I ran cross country in high school and had run on and off throughout college. It was the strangest thing. I would start running (as a workout) and I found that my body just could not do it anymore. It would hurt (which is not uncommon with running) but more so I did not have the energy to do it. I couldn’t get my body to go and keep going. I then started having widespread body pain, extreme fatigue, headaches, heart palpitations, and a very weak immune system. I worked with the youth at my church and I found that I just could not handle slumber parties or all night events anymore. I was only 22 years old. My family doctor sent me to several specialists and we eventually found out that I had Fibromyalgia. I was so sick the spring of 2000 that I could barely get out of bed. I would walk from my bedroom to the living room and have to lay down on the couch to rest. I dropped around 40 pounds because I did not have the energy to prepare food much less go to the grocery store.
I was a student at Taylor University at this time. I had to drop down to part-time and I still received incompletes in a couple of my classes. I could not function. I was so incredibly weak. My heart was so very weary. I felt betrayed by my body. I felt like a weak person, a person of weak character. Why couldn’t I just muster up the energy to function? I was struggling with depression as well. Not only did my body hurt physically but my heart hurt emotionally as well.
At Taylor we had chapel services every Monday Wednesday and Friday. Trading My Sorrows was a song that we sang frequently. I remember belting out those words as a declaration to the world; I Carly am trading my sickness and pain for the joy of the Lord. I would tell myself over and over again (trying to convince myself); I trade this damn Fibromyalgia for the joy of the Lord. I would hold up my hands to God in submission saying yes Lord. I was saying yes Lord I choose your plan for my life even though I don’t understand it and I certainly don’t like it. I remember clinging to the words, “I am pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned struck down but not destroyed….His promise will endure….His joy’s gonna be my strength. Though the sorrow may last for the night his joy comes with the morning.” Man, did I ever need strength. This song became like a mantra that I sang to myself every day.
And now it is July 2010. I have been struggling with this particular (very nasty) bought of depression since February 2009. Once again this song has helped me through a very difficult time. I think the reason Vienna loves this song is because I frequently blast it in the car and belt out the words with passion and urgency in my voice. I am once again claiming the words of this song as truth in my life. I am choosing (I have to choose every day) joy instead of sorrow, shame, sickness and pain. I am reminding myself that I am struck down but not destroyed! I believe that God’s promise of strength and joy in the morning (each day is a new day) is true. I believe that this promise is unfailing and will truly endure through all the hardships I am faced with. I am trusting, believing and claiming God’s promise that joy does come in the morning. I choose to believe that if I choose joy that it will be strength to me. And you know what? God’s joy has given me so much strength. There is no way that I would have made it through this past year without God. Seriously, I am not sure I would be alive. That is how terrible this depression has been. I have felt so utterly hopeless and have been in so much devastating pain that I would have given up without Jesus, my husband and delightful daughter. Thank you Lord Jesus for giving me strength. Thank you Lord for loving me unconditionally and for never ever giving up on me. I am so very grateful.
Thank you sweet delightful Vienna for blessing me with your beautiful but very out of tune voice. I love it when you sing this powerful and uplifting song. I love you my daughter.
I love you my Lord. And God, I love your words of truth.
Once again I sing with all my heart...
I’m trading my sorrows
I’m trading my shame
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord
I’m trading my sickness
I’m trading my pain
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen
I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I’m blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
For His joy’s is gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
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