Wow it has actually been fourteen days since I have written. That is both a good and a bad sign. The good part is that I had a pretty good week last week. I felt somewhat normal. Yay normal! The bad part is that I let myself get out of the habit of doing something that is very good for me, something that is therapeutic and a healthy way to cope with my depression.
I spent a great deal of energy (mental, emotional and physical) and time filling out paperwork last week for my disability application. Let’s see….emotionally…..I felt a great myriad of emotions. I felt weak, defeated, needy, sad, heartbroken, hopeful, optimistic and unsettled. It was and is an extremely humbling process. I hate that I have to reach out for so much help extending as far as the government. I felt like I was admitting defeat by applying. I felt like I was letting depression win and I simply cannot have that. However have learned a great deal (and I am sure will continue to learn) throughout this process. I want what is best for my family. My medical bills are very large. I am a stay at home mom who has had to have her child in child-care. My illness has been disabling. As much as I don’t want to ask for help I simply must for the sake of my family.
This process has also affected me physically. It has drained me of so much energy. I have spent many hours sitting at the desk working on the computer. My “feeling good” time is like a rare jewel right now. I need to guard it, protect it and carefully choose who gets to have it. Spending hours on the computer is not how I wanted to spend my precious “feeling good” time. Oh well. I am done for now.
Mentally…..ahhhh mentally. I feel like a drained car battery, like someone left the light on inside overnight and now I am having trouble starting. It took so much out of me to put together coherent thoughts and sentences that I am really quite exhausted now. Thankfully I received a lot of help from my wonderful husband. My memory is terrible so I also relied on my charts at my doctor’s offices. I got to make many calls to my many doctors to compile the information that I did not remember.
So now that process is done. At least for now. Phew.
However I am still dealing with the emotional ramifications. And where does God fit into all of this? Is disability a way that He wants to provide for my family? Am I trusting Him to heal me like I should be? I need to rephrase that, am I trusting God the way I want to be? And the way He wants me to?
I saw my therapist today. He said that he can tell I am doing better by the way I present myself. I did only cry twice today. Yesterday was a very hard day. I cried a lot. But last week I went several days without crying. Yipeeeeeeee!
I went to my moms group this morning. It was nice to see everyone. Although it was very hard when people asked how my summer was. I did not know how to answer. If I answered by saying “terrible, I have been horribly depressed, my daughter has been in childcare and every area of my life is suffering because of this damn persistent depression” I would have left folks speechless. I know that the women who asked truly cared but at the same time it was not the time to be totally honest. So I simply said “ok.”
So I am doing ok. Ok is better than bad, terrible, or yucky. I will take ok. I am ok with ok right now.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Chill Out!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk, I am totally having an anxiety evening. Nate told me I needed to go take my anxiety medicine (lovingly of course). I am extremely intense. I am trying to work on all the paper work for my disability claim and it is so stressful. I think they make it hard on purpose to try to weed out the people who really seriously need assistance. The problem is that part of my disability is anxiety. So I am going to need some major help. I have my hubby. Also my wonderful counselor has set me up with one of his students. She can get credit for her time spent helping me. I can hardly sit still and it is 9:42 pm. This is not good. I need to chill out.
Ok…breathe in…..breath out…. In…..out….in ……out........
Well, I still don’t feel better but I will continue trying to calm down. I think I will go do some relaxation exercises or something.
I am really freaked out about this whole disability thing. REALLY FREAKED OUT! I feel like I am giving up and giving in to the depression. I don’t want to do that. But….we really need the financial help. Nate is a wonderful hard working provider. But we need help with all the medical bills for me and for child-care since I am not working and am not able to watch to care for my daughter right now. Depression sucks!
Ok….it is 10:29 now. I have been working on those darn forms. I am still totally stressed so I MUST go relax and go to bed.
Ok…breathe in…..breath out…. In…..out….in ……out........
Well, I still don’t feel better but I will continue trying to calm down. I think I will go do some relaxation exercises or something.
I am really freaked out about this whole disability thing. REALLY FREAKED OUT! I feel like I am giving up and giving in to the depression. I don’t want to do that. But….we really need the financial help. Nate is a wonderful hard working provider. But we need help with all the medical bills for me and for child-care since I am not working and am not able to watch to care for my daughter right now. Depression sucks!
Ok….it is 10:29 now. I have been working on those darn forms. I am still totally stressed so I MUST go relax and go to bed.
He's There
I am feeling quite a bit better today. V is home with me because she has a little cold (I think—maybe allergies). I think I am doing ok because I have to be ok for my little girl. She starts pre-school today. I definitely did not want to miss that!!!! I sure hope she does not have a fever because she will have to miss her first day of school if she does.
Anyway, I saw my regular psychiatrist today. He is optimistic that we can find the right medication combination for me. Phew! He agrees that I should not jump back into ECT treatments. He likes that I have an open mind about different kinds of treatments and I like the same thing about him. I took V to the appointment. She is so adorable. She loves going there. My psychiatrist specializes in child and adolescent psychiatry so he has tons of toys. He has the greatest old toys that are similar to today’s Little People but much better. She really likes going with me to see this doctor. She always has felt very comfortable there. An example of this is; before V was potty trained she always pooped while we were in his office. No joke, she really did poop every time. Anyway I think she can just tell that it is a safe place where we are both cared for. My psychiatrist is fabulous. He truly cares about my wellbeing and is almost as desperate as I am to find me some relief from this depression.
We (my psychiatrist and I) talked about how the loss of health is a very real loss. The fact that Fibromyalgia and depression have and are keeping me from doing so many of the things I planned on doing is extremely sad. I feel a lot of guilt for not being the wife (partner) and mom I want to be. It has been good to put a label on that. What I mean is, it is good to know that it is ok to be grieving the loss of my health. It is good to know that it is a very real loss and that I am not being silly or selfish for grieving.
I think I am now able to go through the steps of grief and learn to be at peace with my limitations. It is time to focus on all that I can do instead of what I cannot do. I still have a lot of good to offer. It (me serving others) may not like what I thought it would but it is still something.
God still has a plan for me. He has a plan for me right now as well as in the future. I just have such a hard time seeing that on the DARK, cloudy, murky, yucky and sad depression days.
I just remembered a book I read around 20ish years ago. It is entitled Are You There God It’s Me Margaret. I sometimes feel like Margaret.
But the truth is, the amazingly beautiful and wonderful truth is that God is always with me no matter what!
Anyway, I saw my regular psychiatrist today. He is optimistic that we can find the right medication combination for me. Phew! He agrees that I should not jump back into ECT treatments. He likes that I have an open mind about different kinds of treatments and I like the same thing about him. I took V to the appointment. She is so adorable. She loves going there. My psychiatrist specializes in child and adolescent psychiatry so he has tons of toys. He has the greatest old toys that are similar to today’s Little People but much better. She really likes going with me to see this doctor. She always has felt very comfortable there. An example of this is; before V was potty trained she always pooped while we were in his office. No joke, she really did poop every time. Anyway I think she can just tell that it is a safe place where we are both cared for. My psychiatrist is fabulous. He truly cares about my wellbeing and is almost as desperate as I am to find me some relief from this depression.
We (my psychiatrist and I) talked about how the loss of health is a very real loss. The fact that Fibromyalgia and depression have and are keeping me from doing so many of the things I planned on doing is extremely sad. I feel a lot of guilt for not being the wife (partner) and mom I want to be. It has been good to put a label on that. What I mean is, it is good to know that it is ok to be grieving the loss of my health. It is good to know that it is a very real loss and that I am not being silly or selfish for grieving.
I think I am now able to go through the steps of grief and learn to be at peace with my limitations. It is time to focus on all that I can do instead of what I cannot do. I still have a lot of good to offer. It (me serving others) may not like what I thought it would but it is still something.
God still has a plan for me. He has a plan for me right now as well as in the future. I just have such a hard time seeing that on the DARK, cloudy, murky, yucky and sad depression days.
I just remembered a book I read around 20ish years ago. It is entitled Are You There God It’s Me Margaret. I sometimes feel like Margaret.
But the truth is, the amazingly beautiful and wonderful truth is that God is always with me no matter what!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Got My Groove Back
I had a really nice evening with V. Thank God!!!
It started when she woke up from her nap crying really hard. I told her to get in bed with me (I was laying down elevating my ouchy ankle). She wanted me to cuddle her. When I asked her what was wrong she said “I miss you.” She told she missed me at least three more times. We cuddled and then she asked me to sing her the moon song. So I sang. Then she asked me to sing some more. I sang her several Camp Newaygo songs along with a couple of praise songs that I learned when I first became a Christian. I love singing. What could be better than snuggling my daughter, stroking her hair and singing some of my favorite songs? Nothing. It is a memory I will cherish forever.
I could have chosen to feel guilty about the fact that she was telling me that she missed me. But I chose not to feel guilty. Yay Carly. I chose to enjoy the moment and to enjoy my daughter.
We later played outside. I hobbled to the swing-set and then sat on a chair while I pushed her. We ate dinner outside which I love to do. After dinner Nate and V got out the tee-ball set. Oh my goodness was she adorable to watch. And the best is yet to come….
After about ten minutes of hitting the ball she was ready for something new. She then proceeded to make up her own games. I sat on the grass and listened, watched and truly enjoyed my little girl. Her imagination is amazing. And even if it was only for one evening I felt like I had my Mommy groove back. I was not able to run around with her but I was able to be with her without holding back tears.
I still felt well enough later in the evening to read her books, tuck her in, pray with her and sing the moon song one more time.
Thank you Lord for a wonderful evening. I needed it.
It started when she woke up from her nap crying really hard. I told her to get in bed with me (I was laying down elevating my ouchy ankle). She wanted me to cuddle her. When I asked her what was wrong she said “I miss you.” She told she missed me at least three more times. We cuddled and then she asked me to sing her the moon song. So I sang. Then she asked me to sing some more. I sang her several Camp Newaygo songs along with a couple of praise songs that I learned when I first became a Christian. I love singing. What could be better than snuggling my daughter, stroking her hair and singing some of my favorite songs? Nothing. It is a memory I will cherish forever.
I could have chosen to feel guilty about the fact that she was telling me that she missed me. But I chose not to feel guilty. Yay Carly. I chose to enjoy the moment and to enjoy my daughter.
We later played outside. I hobbled to the swing-set and then sat on a chair while I pushed her. We ate dinner outside which I love to do. After dinner Nate and V got out the tee-ball set. Oh my goodness was she adorable to watch. And the best is yet to come….
After about ten minutes of hitting the ball she was ready for something new. She then proceeded to make up her own games. I sat on the grass and listened, watched and truly enjoyed my little girl. Her imagination is amazing. And even if it was only for one evening I felt like I had my Mommy groove back. I was not able to run around with her but I was able to be with her without holding back tears.
I still felt well enough later in the evening to read her books, tuck her in, pray with her and sing the moon song one more time.
Thank you Lord for a wonderful evening. I needed it.
Dog Poop
Written Friday 9-10-10
I don’t really feel like writing but I know that I need to. I am tired and I really just want to chill out. Today was a very hard day. I cried A LOT.
I was already struggling when my dog escaped out of our backyard. It is fenced in but she went under the fence. After calling for her in the backyard I hobbled out the front door to call for her. No luck. I left the door open just in case by some stroke of luck she would waltz back in the door. As I was tearfully trying to figure how I was going to go look for her with my sprained ankle I heard someone at the open front door. A nice young police officer woman found Jenny-Dog and had kindly brought her back to me. She asked me if I was ok several times since it was obvious I had been crying. I did my best to assure her I was ok (while inside my head I was thinking, “no I am not ok. I have been struggling with this damn depression for months now and I am tired of it.”) I am grateful she was not hit by a car.
The best part of the Jenny-Dog escape ordeal is that she came home covered in poop. Yup the dog rolled in crap and was very proud of the ways she smelled. I put her outside on her chain while I tried to figure out how I was going to give her a bath while balancing on one foot. As if I was not already having a hard time? I really didn’t need the dog to roll in poop to add to the fun of the day. Thankfully my husband came home at lunch and brought her crate up from the basement. That way I could put her in the crate (keeping her off the carpet and furniture) until Nate got home from work. Giving the dog a bath was one of the last things Nate wanted to do tonight but I am so thankful that he did it. Someone had to.
I am really crabby. And I really don’t want to write but I don’t want to get out of the habit of writing because it is so therapeutic for me.
I had my last day at the hospital program yesterday. My insurance would have paid for 3 more days but I felt like I had gotten all that I could get out of it. Plus the program is based on group therapy. I was not enjoying the current group. There was a lot of negativity with the remaining members. I did not feel that it would be beneficial for me to be around the nearly constant complaining about the men who had wronged them. The use of profanity was also nearly constant.
On top of that I was feeling confused and frustrated with the psychiatrist telling me one thing and the psychologist telling me something else. I did not totally agree with either one of them. Also the psychologist talked to us for a long time about how he thinks forgiveness is overrated. He thinks that we do not need to forgive the people who have hurt us ever. I disagree for several reasons. Mostly I disagree because I think that when we forgive the person who has hurt us we are free to move on and are no longer in bondage to the ager we felt toward that person. I have other reasons for disagreeing but as I said above I do not really feel like writing. Maybe another day.
I did learn some very good things at the program.
1. I need to forgive myself for being sick and not being the person I thought I would be.
2. I need to lower my expectations of myself at least for right now. When I am healthy again I can aim to do more.
3. Instead of focusing on what I cannot do I need to focus on what I can do.
4. I am in the process of grieving my lost health and dreams. It is ok to be sad about that sometimes.
I think there is more that I have learned but my head is fuzzy right now. So I am going to stop writing and chill out. We have a lot to do tomorrow. I need to be refreshed and energized.
I don’t really feel like writing but I know that I need to. I am tired and I really just want to chill out. Today was a very hard day. I cried A LOT.
I was already struggling when my dog escaped out of our backyard. It is fenced in but she went under the fence. After calling for her in the backyard I hobbled out the front door to call for her. No luck. I left the door open just in case by some stroke of luck she would waltz back in the door. As I was tearfully trying to figure how I was going to go look for her with my sprained ankle I heard someone at the open front door. A nice young police officer woman found Jenny-Dog and had kindly brought her back to me. She asked me if I was ok several times since it was obvious I had been crying. I did my best to assure her I was ok (while inside my head I was thinking, “no I am not ok. I have been struggling with this damn depression for months now and I am tired of it.”) I am grateful she was not hit by a car.
The best part of the Jenny-Dog escape ordeal is that she came home covered in poop. Yup the dog rolled in crap and was very proud of the ways she smelled. I put her outside on her chain while I tried to figure out how I was going to give her a bath while balancing on one foot. As if I was not already having a hard time? I really didn’t need the dog to roll in poop to add to the fun of the day. Thankfully my husband came home at lunch and brought her crate up from the basement. That way I could put her in the crate (keeping her off the carpet and furniture) until Nate got home from work. Giving the dog a bath was one of the last things Nate wanted to do tonight but I am so thankful that he did it. Someone had to.
I am really crabby. And I really don’t want to write but I don’t want to get out of the habit of writing because it is so therapeutic for me.
I had my last day at the hospital program yesterday. My insurance would have paid for 3 more days but I felt like I had gotten all that I could get out of it. Plus the program is based on group therapy. I was not enjoying the current group. There was a lot of negativity with the remaining members. I did not feel that it would be beneficial for me to be around the nearly constant complaining about the men who had wronged them. The use of profanity was also nearly constant.
On top of that I was feeling confused and frustrated with the psychiatrist telling me one thing and the psychologist telling me something else. I did not totally agree with either one of them. Also the psychologist talked to us for a long time about how he thinks forgiveness is overrated. He thinks that we do not need to forgive the people who have hurt us ever. I disagree for several reasons. Mostly I disagree because I think that when we forgive the person who has hurt us we are free to move on and are no longer in bondage to the ager we felt toward that person. I have other reasons for disagreeing but as I said above I do not really feel like writing. Maybe another day.
I did learn some very good things at the program.
1. I need to forgive myself for being sick and not being the person I thought I would be.
2. I need to lower my expectations of myself at least for right now. When I am healthy again I can aim to do more.
3. Instead of focusing on what I cannot do I need to focus on what I can do.
4. I am in the process of grieving my lost health and dreams. It is ok to be sad about that sometimes.
I think there is more that I have learned but my head is fuzzy right now. So I am going to stop writing and chill out. We have a lot to do tomorrow. I need to be refreshed and energized.
Out of Control
I really don’t feel like writing but I think I need to. It is an absolutely gorgeous day and I am inside lying around. I am not sure if it is my sprained ankle or my depression keeping me inside. It is probably both.
I hate not being able to get around. As if depression is not debilitating enough, I don’t need anything else to keep me from being active.
I have had a couple of really bad days. I have been crying a lot, feeling hopeless, and thinking about how it would be so much easier to die. The pain of the depression has been so bad that I have been thinking about wanting to die. It makes me sick to even say that but it is true. Thankfully while I am thinking about giving up my lovely daughter pops into my head and I come back to reality.
Suicide is very selfish. The people you leave behind are left confused, hurt and devastated. Although, I do understand how a person can feel so horrible that they think it is the only option. Sometimes the pain is so intense or it has been going on so long that you just want it to end. I could never do it. Whenever I think about how much it would hurt those I would leave behind I know that I must fight. I would never ever want my daughter to think that I did not want to know her or be with her as she grows up. The problem is that I feel like I am barely there right now. My friends and family have been watching her as I have been trying to get healthy.
But why aren’t I better yet?
My friend watched V this morning and then I went over and we all hung out for a while. I brought V home and all I had to do was give her a snack and put her down for her nap. I got so overwhelmed. My stupid ankle being hurt really makes things extra challenging. I am using a roll-about (a knee scooter) to get around and I have trouble getting into tight spaces. I got so frustrated trying to get into the pantry to give V some canned peaches that I started to cry. I hid the tears from V.
Then she would not listen to me so I had to give her a time-out. She kept trying to leave time-out and I had to physically put her back into the chair which was really challenging with my bad ankle. I so badly just wanted to let it go. But whenever I do that then she thinks that she is in charge rather than me. This whole ordeal was exhausting. After I finally got her down for a nap (Thank God she was really tired and she went right to sleep. She did not even want me to read her books which was good because I did not have any energy left anyway.) I felt really crappy about myself.
I was responsible for her for about 45 minutes and I could barely handle it. I certainly was not the calm, patient, loving and fun mom I want to be. I did not have fun and neither did she. I love her so much. I can’t stand that I am not able to play with her, teach her and enjoy her. I know that feeling bad about myself about this does not get me anywhere but I still feel bad. I am trying not to but I do.
As I was driving V home from my friend’s house today I realized that it is not me who is raising her right now. She is spending the majority of her time with my friends, family and Nate. They are all good people but they are not her Mama. I want to be the one who has the most influence on her. I used to be her favorite person in the world and now I feel like I am barely even in her world.
“Oh God please, please help me. Heal me. Do something. I need for this to be over. I need to be healthy and whole. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
I hurt so much. I shake when I cry. I double over in pain sometimes. Why can’t I just pull myself together? What is wrong with me? I hate this.
I am sobbing now.
I have not showered today. The house is a mess. I have not read my Bible. I have not done relaxation.
I have prayed a little. I have iced my ankle and elevated it while I have watched LOST DVDs. Now I am making myself write. There is so much to do, so much I want and need to do that I don’t know where to start. And when I feel like I do now I just can’t handle getting started.
Ok…..breathe…….let’s look at the good things I have done today.
1. I am writing
2. I brushed my teeth and washed my face
3. I have iced my ankle twice.
4. I spent some time with my friend Rebecca
5. I gave V a snack
6. I have let the dog out (which is really hard with my ankle. I have to go down stairs and then hook her up to a chain since she has found ways to get out of our fenced in yard)
7. I checked my email and facebook.
8. I got dressed.
9. I told V I love her.
Ok……..it could be worse. I could have stayed in bed the entire day. I could have let V stay with Rebecca all day but I wanted to bring her home so she could nap.
I have got to control my thoughts. Even when I feel like I cannot control them I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO CONTROL THEM.
Over-and-out, that is enough writing for now.
I hate not being able to get around. As if depression is not debilitating enough, I don’t need anything else to keep me from being active.
I have had a couple of really bad days. I have been crying a lot, feeling hopeless, and thinking about how it would be so much easier to die. The pain of the depression has been so bad that I have been thinking about wanting to die. It makes me sick to even say that but it is true. Thankfully while I am thinking about giving up my lovely daughter pops into my head and I come back to reality.
Suicide is very selfish. The people you leave behind are left confused, hurt and devastated. Although, I do understand how a person can feel so horrible that they think it is the only option. Sometimes the pain is so intense or it has been going on so long that you just want it to end. I could never do it. Whenever I think about how much it would hurt those I would leave behind I know that I must fight. I would never ever want my daughter to think that I did not want to know her or be with her as she grows up. The problem is that I feel like I am barely there right now. My friends and family have been watching her as I have been trying to get healthy.
But why aren’t I better yet?
My friend watched V this morning and then I went over and we all hung out for a while. I brought V home and all I had to do was give her a snack and put her down for her nap. I got so overwhelmed. My stupid ankle being hurt really makes things extra challenging. I am using a roll-about (a knee scooter) to get around and I have trouble getting into tight spaces. I got so frustrated trying to get into the pantry to give V some canned peaches that I started to cry. I hid the tears from V.
Then she would not listen to me so I had to give her a time-out. She kept trying to leave time-out and I had to physically put her back into the chair which was really challenging with my bad ankle. I so badly just wanted to let it go. But whenever I do that then she thinks that she is in charge rather than me. This whole ordeal was exhausting. After I finally got her down for a nap (Thank God she was really tired and she went right to sleep. She did not even want me to read her books which was good because I did not have any energy left anyway.) I felt really crappy about myself.
I was responsible for her for about 45 minutes and I could barely handle it. I certainly was not the calm, patient, loving and fun mom I want to be. I did not have fun and neither did she. I love her so much. I can’t stand that I am not able to play with her, teach her and enjoy her. I know that feeling bad about myself about this does not get me anywhere but I still feel bad. I am trying not to but I do.
As I was driving V home from my friend’s house today I realized that it is not me who is raising her right now. She is spending the majority of her time with my friends, family and Nate. They are all good people but they are not her Mama. I want to be the one who has the most influence on her. I used to be her favorite person in the world and now I feel like I am barely even in her world.
“Oh God please, please help me. Heal me. Do something. I need for this to be over. I need to be healthy and whole. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
I hurt so much. I shake when I cry. I double over in pain sometimes. Why can’t I just pull myself together? What is wrong with me? I hate this.
I am sobbing now.
I have not showered today. The house is a mess. I have not read my Bible. I have not done relaxation.
I have prayed a little. I have iced my ankle and elevated it while I have watched LOST DVDs. Now I am making myself write. There is so much to do, so much I want and need to do that I don’t know where to start. And when I feel like I do now I just can’t handle getting started.
Ok…..breathe…….let’s look at the good things I have done today.
1. I am writing
2. I brushed my teeth and washed my face
3. I have iced my ankle twice.
4. I spent some time with my friend Rebecca
5. I gave V a snack
6. I have let the dog out (which is really hard with my ankle. I have to go down stairs and then hook her up to a chain since she has found ways to get out of our fenced in yard)
7. I checked my email and facebook.
8. I got dressed.
9. I told V I love her.
Ok……..it could be worse. I could have stayed in bed the entire day. I could have let V stay with Rebecca all day but I wanted to bring her home so she could nap.
I have got to control my thoughts. Even when I feel like I cannot control them I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO CONTROL THEM.
Over-and-out, that is enough writing for now.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Trusting God
Today has been a challenging day. I felt frusterated, sad, confussed, wise, compassionate, angry, joyful, hopeless and hopeful all within the span of about four hours.
All of the group therapy time was spent on the other members today. We have five now but tomorrow we will be down to four. As I listened I felt many of the feelings I described above.
One woman was raped (brutally) at the age of 13. She became pregnant, had the baby and gave him up for adoption. Her parents discouraged her from pressing charges. They also have not talked about it at all over the years. It has been like the shameful elephant in the closet. My heart broke for her on many levels. Although I think the most damaging part of the whole ordeal was that her parents were too ashamed to press charges or talk about what happened through the years.
Another woman was molested by her step-father from the ages of 9 to 15. Her two younger sisters were molested as well. Apparently her mom had no idea about it until her younger sister acted out. Then at the age of 16 this woman was raped. All of this happened 16 years ago and she is still extremely angry. She has no desire to forgive her perpetrators. I am sad for her because the anger is eating her up inside.
The third young woman in the group just got out of an abusive relationship where the man hit her and treated her like crap. (There is also a very nice man in our group but his story is not relevant right now.)
And then there is me…..
I have dealt with some difficult things in my life. I have been hurt but I have worked through all of that, forgiven and moved on. Sure my life is not perfect. I have realized that I need to work on forgiving myself for being sick and for not being able to do what most everyone else around me is doing. I have also learned that I need be more patient with myself. But for the most part I feel loved and supported by all of my family and friends. I have an amazing husband (who cherishes, supports, hugs, loves me unconditionally, listens and who continually serves me) and daughter who adore me. There are no immediate stressors other than the normal day to day stuff. Each of these women have specific things that they can point to that is casusing their depression. I do not. I am depressed and I don’t know why.
My regular psychiatrist would say that it is the chemical imbalance in my brain. I agree. But why is it so hard to treat? Well….he would say that I have treatment resistant depression and we just have to keep trying to find the right medications to correct the imbalance. My therapist agrees with this. In the mean time I am TIRED of being depressed and I am working really hard on doing things to help myself get better.
The nurse at the program suggested that I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. So I will go. I am told to exercise so I have been and I will start up again as soon as my ankle has healed. I am told to meditate and/or pray and I do. I am frustrated, sad and confussed about why I am still struggling with depression. The psychiatrist at the program was not very helpful. In fact it was after I saw her that I started crying and feeling frustrated. I am not a big fan of her.
On my lunch break I called my regular therapist (that I see every week) and he took time out of his lunch break to talk with me. I was crying about how frustrated I was/am with this damn depression still lingering on. He listened to me, encouraged me, offered suggestions and prayed with me. I am so thankful that I was able to call him and to gain some perspective. He is wise, kind, challenging, thoughtful and very good at his job. I am extremely blessed to have a talented well educated therapist who respects and shares my faith.
God blessed me through my devotional Jesus Calling this morning.
The September 8 entry is as follows:
ACCEPT EACH DAY exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.
(Based on the Scriptures, Psalm 42:5, 2 Corinthians 13:4 and Jeremiah 31.25)
Thanks God for speaking right to me! I love how it says to not only accept your circumstances but also the condition of your body (hello sprained ankle, fibromyalgia pain and depression). God had been teaching me a great deal about relying on Him. It has not been an easy lesson but I am beginning to see that depending on Him and doing things His way is the best way to go.
P.S. I wrote about hate the other day. I want to say that I am against hating people. However, sometimes circumstances are worthy of our hatred. Also hating something or someone drains us of a lot of energy. It is energy that we cannot get back so it is much better to deal with whatever (or whoever) you are hating so that you can move on and live a joy filled life.
Happy List
I am so thankful…
422. For my amazing, thoughtful, wonderful and caring therapist. He rocks!
423. That I have been spared from some of the pain that the women in my group have endured.
424. That I can honestly say that I have forgiven those who have hurt me (still working on myself) and I am free because of it.
425. That I love-love-LOVE my husband.
426. That I can trust God and trust that He loves me more than I could ever imagine.
All of the group therapy time was spent on the other members today. We have five now but tomorrow we will be down to four. As I listened I felt many of the feelings I described above.
One woman was raped (brutally) at the age of 13. She became pregnant, had the baby and gave him up for adoption. Her parents discouraged her from pressing charges. They also have not talked about it at all over the years. It has been like the shameful elephant in the closet. My heart broke for her on many levels. Although I think the most damaging part of the whole ordeal was that her parents were too ashamed to press charges or talk about what happened through the years.
Another woman was molested by her step-father from the ages of 9 to 15. Her two younger sisters were molested as well. Apparently her mom had no idea about it until her younger sister acted out. Then at the age of 16 this woman was raped. All of this happened 16 years ago and she is still extremely angry. She has no desire to forgive her perpetrators. I am sad for her because the anger is eating her up inside.
The third young woman in the group just got out of an abusive relationship where the man hit her and treated her like crap. (There is also a very nice man in our group but his story is not relevant right now.)
And then there is me…..
I have dealt with some difficult things in my life. I have been hurt but I have worked through all of that, forgiven and moved on. Sure my life is not perfect. I have realized that I need to work on forgiving myself for being sick and for not being able to do what most everyone else around me is doing. I have also learned that I need be more patient with myself. But for the most part I feel loved and supported by all of my family and friends. I have an amazing husband (who cherishes, supports, hugs, loves me unconditionally, listens and who continually serves me) and daughter who adore me. There are no immediate stressors other than the normal day to day stuff. Each of these women have specific things that they can point to that is casusing their depression. I do not. I am depressed and I don’t know why.
My regular psychiatrist would say that it is the chemical imbalance in my brain. I agree. But why is it so hard to treat? Well….he would say that I have treatment resistant depression and we just have to keep trying to find the right medications to correct the imbalance. My therapist agrees with this. In the mean time I am TIRED of being depressed and I am working really hard on doing things to help myself get better.
The nurse at the program suggested that I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. So I will go. I am told to exercise so I have been and I will start up again as soon as my ankle has healed. I am told to meditate and/or pray and I do. I am frustrated, sad and confussed about why I am still struggling with depression. The psychiatrist at the program was not very helpful. In fact it was after I saw her that I started crying and feeling frustrated. I am not a big fan of her.
On my lunch break I called my regular therapist (that I see every week) and he took time out of his lunch break to talk with me. I was crying about how frustrated I was/am with this damn depression still lingering on. He listened to me, encouraged me, offered suggestions and prayed with me. I am so thankful that I was able to call him and to gain some perspective. He is wise, kind, challenging, thoughtful and very good at his job. I am extremely blessed to have a talented well educated therapist who respects and shares my faith.
God blessed me through my devotional Jesus Calling this morning.
The September 8 entry is as follows:
ACCEPT EACH DAY exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.
(Based on the Scriptures, Psalm 42:5, 2 Corinthians 13:4 and Jeremiah 31.25)
Thanks God for speaking right to me! I love how it says to not only accept your circumstances but also the condition of your body (hello sprained ankle, fibromyalgia pain and depression). God had been teaching me a great deal about relying on Him. It has not been an easy lesson but I am beginning to see that depending on Him and doing things His way is the best way to go.
P.S. I wrote about hate the other day. I want to say that I am against hating people. However, sometimes circumstances are worthy of our hatred. Also hating something or someone drains us of a lot of energy. It is energy that we cannot get back so it is much better to deal with whatever (or whoever) you are hating so that you can move on and live a joy filled life.
Happy List
I am so thankful…
422. For my amazing, thoughtful, wonderful and caring therapist. He rocks!
423. That I have been spared from some of the pain that the women in my group have endured.
424. That I can honestly say that I have forgiven those who have hurt me (still working on myself) and I am free because of it.
425. That I love-love-LOVE my husband.
426. That I can trust God and trust that He loves me more than I could ever imagine.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Tired
I am feeling really tired tonight. Working on healing from depression is quite exhausting. I am really confused also. I keep hearing different theories on how I can get well. I just know that I want to get well. I suppose I will listen to everyone’s opinions, think and pray about them and use what I think applies to me the best.
Lord please give me wisdom!
Happy List
I am so grateful…..
416. That my daughter loves to sing
417. That my hubby bought me chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream tonight
418. That my foot and ankle are healing
419. That we are getting a new (used) mattress. Ours is over 10 years old.
420. For my daughter. She is so completely and totally amazing!
421. For V singing (belting) “The joy of the Lord is my strength” all the time:)
Lord please give me wisdom!
Happy List
I am so grateful…..
416. That my daughter loves to sing
417. That my hubby bought me chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream tonight
418. That my foot and ankle are healing
419. That we are getting a new (used) mattress. Ours is over 10 years old.
420. For my daughter. She is so completely and totally amazing!
421. For V singing (belting) “The joy of the Lord is my strength” all the time:)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Feeling Crappy
Ugggggggggggggg I feel like crap right now. Even my body feels depressed. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically crappy. I don’t understand myself or my body. I woke up this morning thinking “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. I am going to have a good day today. Lord please help me have a good day.”
Then I feel back asleep for about 15 minutes. V came in and woke me up to see if I wanted to do a puzzle with her. I made myself get up and OUCH my body hurt. Not a good start. We went to do the puzzle for a few minutes and then I had to go to the bathroom. I dragged myself up (both feet hurting) and went into the bathroom. Nate is was just getting out of the shower and was frustrated that I could not wait another couple minutes. I really couldn’t wait (my body sucks). So we start the day off frustrated with each other.
I am hurt and frustrated that he did not greet me with a “Hi honey. Good morning. I t is so nice to see you” accompanied with a hello kiss. There I go again having unfair expectations.
I am crabby about my body hurting and annoyed that I am feeling depressed. Before I even got out of bed and fully woke up I was praying for a good day and already only 15 minutes into the day I was feeling crappy.
The morning continued to spiral downward. Nate and I did not communicate well. I was upset with him and couldn’t seem to get over it. I was feeling like a burden already and did not want to ask him to make me some breakfast. But I was hungry and it is very hard to cook with a sprained ankle. I had been up for about 30 minutes at this point and I was already self-loathing.
I don’t understand how my mind goes there so quickly. Nate was trying to make things better but no matter how hard he tried the damage was already done. That was so unfair to him. I knew I was being irrational but I could not seem to stop it.
I told him yesterday what I wanted to do today and he had forgotten. So when he told me that he was going to go over to my dad’s house to wash and wax the car I was upset. I forget things all the time so once again, I was not being fair to him.
He said he needed to get out of the house. I don’t blame him. The house is a huge mess. I then started to blame and dislike myself for the house being a mess. My thoughts were, “If only my ankle was not sprained and I had not been depressed forever then house would be picked up and he would not feel the need to escape.”
I went and got back into bed. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Nate put a video on for V so he could try to talk to me. He said “let’s go do what you want to do.” But I was already feeling crappy and so I said no. I kept thinking to myself “you are being irrational Carly. “ I tried to change my thoughts to positive thoughts. I tried to practice cognitive behavioral therapy and to keep my thoughts under control but I just could not seem to do it.
I don’t understand why I cannot handle the littlest things? Why do I go right to being depressed at the slightest little problem? Why do I think I suck and feel like such a burden and a loser? If I know I am being irrational why can’t I stop my thoughts and change them? Why when I try to start the day positive do I still feel down, crappy and depressed? Why do I feel the way I feel? Why can’t I pull myself out of this funk? Why can’t I apply the things I learn and change the way I think, feel and act? I feel defeated already and I have only been awake for an hour and a half.
I still just want to go back to bed. I am actually really tired. My foot/ankle hurts. I don’t want to be around anyone because I don’t feel like I can be nice to be around. I don’t want to hurt or frustrate my family anymore. I need to pull myself together and go be a good mom and wife. Carly pull yourself together damn it! Just pull yourself together.
It is several hours later and I still feel crappy. I took a nap and was determined to start over when I got up. Unfortunately the depression was still lingering.
I don’t want to feel depressed. I want to feel healthy, good, stable and normal. What the hell is wrong with me?
We had dinner with my mom and step-dad. I was very quiet throughout the dinner. I asked questions because it was easier than having them ask me questions. I did not want to start crying in the middle of a restaurant.
My mom talked about how my cousin is a very calm and easy gong mom with her new daughter. I thought to myself, “I used to be that way.” I used to be easy going and easy to be around but now I am so intense. I am irritable, irrational, unstable, and depressing. I hate that. What has happened to me? What has happened to the Carly we all knew and loved?
I remember in 1998 when a teacher that I really enjoyed and respected told me that I was too intense and that I needed to relax. That comment upset me so much because I knew it was true. It was another period in my life when I was struggling with depression. I was not the relaxed easy going person that I liked to be. I hated the way I was feeling and acting just like I hate how I am now.
Hate is a strong word. I don’t usually like to use it at all. But lately hate is what I have been feeling. I hate how I feel. I hate how I am acting. I hate not knowing how to make myself different and better. I hate that I feel overwhelmed all the time. I hate that I feel out of control. I hate that it takes almost nothing to stress me out. I hate that I am not being the wife and mom that I want to be. I hate that my family is suffering due to my depression. I hate that my house is a wreck. I hate that I do not have the energy to get it cleaned up. I hate depression. I hate that depression is robbing me of so much of my life.
I am so thankful that tomorrow is another day.
Gratitude/Happy List
I am thankful…..
410. That tomorrow is another day.
411. That my family loves me even when I am challenging to be around.
412. I get to go to bed very soon (I am so ready for today to be over).
413. That people have offered to watch V this week while I continue in the hospital program.
414. My husband has not left me and has no plans to do so.
415. That a woman at my church leant me her walking boot that she wore when she had surgery on her foot. Hopefully I will be able to be walking soon.
Then I feel back asleep for about 15 minutes. V came in and woke me up to see if I wanted to do a puzzle with her. I made myself get up and OUCH my body hurt. Not a good start. We went to do the puzzle for a few minutes and then I had to go to the bathroom. I dragged myself up (both feet hurting) and went into the bathroom. Nate is was just getting out of the shower and was frustrated that I could not wait another couple minutes. I really couldn’t wait (my body sucks). So we start the day off frustrated with each other.
I am hurt and frustrated that he did not greet me with a “Hi honey. Good morning. I t is so nice to see you” accompanied with a hello kiss. There I go again having unfair expectations.
I am crabby about my body hurting and annoyed that I am feeling depressed. Before I even got out of bed and fully woke up I was praying for a good day and already only 15 minutes into the day I was feeling crappy.
The morning continued to spiral downward. Nate and I did not communicate well. I was upset with him and couldn’t seem to get over it. I was feeling like a burden already and did not want to ask him to make me some breakfast. But I was hungry and it is very hard to cook with a sprained ankle. I had been up for about 30 minutes at this point and I was already self-loathing.
I don’t understand how my mind goes there so quickly. Nate was trying to make things better but no matter how hard he tried the damage was already done. That was so unfair to him. I knew I was being irrational but I could not seem to stop it.
I told him yesterday what I wanted to do today and he had forgotten. So when he told me that he was going to go over to my dad’s house to wash and wax the car I was upset. I forget things all the time so once again, I was not being fair to him.
He said he needed to get out of the house. I don’t blame him. The house is a huge mess. I then started to blame and dislike myself for the house being a mess. My thoughts were, “If only my ankle was not sprained and I had not been depressed forever then house would be picked up and he would not feel the need to escape.”
I went and got back into bed. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Nate put a video on for V so he could try to talk to me. He said “let’s go do what you want to do.” But I was already feeling crappy and so I said no. I kept thinking to myself “you are being irrational Carly. “ I tried to change my thoughts to positive thoughts. I tried to practice cognitive behavioral therapy and to keep my thoughts under control but I just could not seem to do it.
I don’t understand why I cannot handle the littlest things? Why do I go right to being depressed at the slightest little problem? Why do I think I suck and feel like such a burden and a loser? If I know I am being irrational why can’t I stop my thoughts and change them? Why when I try to start the day positive do I still feel down, crappy and depressed? Why do I feel the way I feel? Why can’t I pull myself out of this funk? Why can’t I apply the things I learn and change the way I think, feel and act? I feel defeated already and I have only been awake for an hour and a half.
I still just want to go back to bed. I am actually really tired. My foot/ankle hurts. I don’t want to be around anyone because I don’t feel like I can be nice to be around. I don’t want to hurt or frustrate my family anymore. I need to pull myself together and go be a good mom and wife. Carly pull yourself together damn it! Just pull yourself together.
It is several hours later and I still feel crappy. I took a nap and was determined to start over when I got up. Unfortunately the depression was still lingering.
I don’t want to feel depressed. I want to feel healthy, good, stable and normal. What the hell is wrong with me?
We had dinner with my mom and step-dad. I was very quiet throughout the dinner. I asked questions because it was easier than having them ask me questions. I did not want to start crying in the middle of a restaurant.
My mom talked about how my cousin is a very calm and easy gong mom with her new daughter. I thought to myself, “I used to be that way.” I used to be easy going and easy to be around but now I am so intense. I am irritable, irrational, unstable, and depressing. I hate that. What has happened to me? What has happened to the Carly we all knew and loved?
I remember in 1998 when a teacher that I really enjoyed and respected told me that I was too intense and that I needed to relax. That comment upset me so much because I knew it was true. It was another period in my life when I was struggling with depression. I was not the relaxed easy going person that I liked to be. I hated the way I was feeling and acting just like I hate how I am now.
Hate is a strong word. I don’t usually like to use it at all. But lately hate is what I have been feeling. I hate how I feel. I hate how I am acting. I hate not knowing how to make myself different and better. I hate that I feel overwhelmed all the time. I hate that I feel out of control. I hate that it takes almost nothing to stress me out. I hate that I am not being the wife and mom that I want to be. I hate that my family is suffering due to my depression. I hate that my house is a wreck. I hate that I do not have the energy to get it cleaned up. I hate depression. I hate that depression is robbing me of so much of my life.
I am so thankful that tomorrow is another day.
Gratitude/Happy List
I am thankful…..
410. That tomorrow is another day.
411. That my family loves me even when I am challenging to be around.
412. I get to go to bed very soon (I am so ready for today to be over).
413. That people have offered to watch V this week while I continue in the hospital program.
414. My husband has not left me and has no plans to do so.
415. That a woman at my church leant me her walking boot that she wore when she had surgery on her foot. Hopefully I will be able to be walking soon.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I Choose You Lord
Today was a bit better than yesterday. Not quite so many tears. Actually I only cried in church and they were tears of joy and peace. However, I have been in a lot of physically pain. My sprained ankle is bothering me as well as many other body parts due to the Fibromyalgia.
My family (hubby and daughter) are so wonderful. I have gotten so many fabulous hugs and kisses today that my physical touch love tank is overflowing. V gives the most adorable, sweet and loving hugs and kisses.
A couple of weeks ago in church I felt God challenging me with this question; “Will you still choose to love and serve me even if I don’t heal you?” I was pissed off by the question.
I had been spending a lot of time praying but God showed me that most of my prayers had been selfish. I had been asking for strength, help, and healing and not much else. I had not been praying and reading Scripture because I wanted to spend time with Him. Instead I had been going to Him to have Him help me make it through my days. God does want us to go to Him with our problems and ask Him for help. However, He also wants us to go to him just because we love him and want to be in his presence.
God really challenged me with that. He wanted to know what was more important, me being healed or me simply knowing Him? Was I willing to say that I wanted a relationship with God more than I wanted to be healed? No I was not, at least not that Sunday.
On that Sunday God reminded me of the story about the time God asked Abraham to take his only son (the son that he had waited years for, he was over 100 years old when he had Isaac) and offer him as a sacrifice. In the Old Testament before Jesus came to earth and died on the cross, people offered animals (usually lambs or goats) to God as sacrifices to atone for their sins. In this story God wanted to see who Abraham loved more, Him or his son Isaac. Just as Abraham was about to sacrifice his son God told him to STOP! It was a test of Abraham’s faith. God never intended for Abraham to kill Isaac. I felt like God showed me this story to illustrate to me his question for me. Did I care more about getting healthy and no longer suffering from depression than I cared about God himself? Again this question pissed me off. I felt like I should not have to choose between God and my health.
The Sunday God challenged me with this question was August 15th. It has been 3 weeks since then. I remember crying throughout worship because I was not ready to say “Yes Lord I choose you no matter what. Even if I stay depressed and suffer from Fibromyalgia I will still choose to love and serve you.”
Well today I was ready. I humbly prayed to God during worship, “I choose you Lord. I choose you. Even if I stay sick I still choose you. I don’t know how I will make it through but I know that with you I can do anything. I choose you Lord. I choose you.” I meant that prayer. I still do. I don’t believe that God wants me to stay depressed but I do believe that he wants me to want Him more than I want anything else, including health.
It felt good to surrender myself to God. It felt peaceful and right.
I read my daughter books before she went to bed tonight. We read from The Jesus Storybook Bible which is one of our favorites. The story that I happened to open up to was the story about when God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
A section from the story states,
“God helped Abraham and Isaac understand something. God wanted his people to live, not die. God wanted to rescue his people, not punish them. But they must trust him.
‘One day Someone will be born into your family,’ God promised them. ‘And he will bring happiness to the whole world.’
God was getting ready to give the whole world a wonderful present. It would be God’s way to tell his people, ‘I love you.”…
Who was he? God’s Son (Jesus), his only Son—the Son he loved. The Lamb of God.”
Thank you Lord for your one and only Son Jesus, the Lamb of God.
I do not think that my turning to this story was ironic or a coincidence. I think it was God blessing me. I think it was God patting me on the back saying “well done my good and faithful servant.” It was God confirming His love for me and that He truly is always with me.
At some point today God reminded me of a worship song that I love. I love the music and I love singing it but most of all I love the words. The song is Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63. The words are as follows;
Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
I just love this song. I often times belt it out in the car forcing myself to truly mean the words “Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name!”
What I thought about today and have many times before is that sometimes we have to choose to praise and bless God even though we don’t feel like it. Well, we don’t have to, but we can choose to because God is always worthy of our praise. For me singing this song is often an act of surrender. It is me saying, even though things suck right now, I am still going to choose to bless your name.
I felt like this morning in church was an act of surrender. And as I said above, it felt peaceful and right.
My family (hubby and daughter) are so wonderful. I have gotten so many fabulous hugs and kisses today that my physical touch love tank is overflowing. V gives the most adorable, sweet and loving hugs and kisses.
A couple of weeks ago in church I felt God challenging me with this question; “Will you still choose to love and serve me even if I don’t heal you?” I was pissed off by the question.
I had been spending a lot of time praying but God showed me that most of my prayers had been selfish. I had been asking for strength, help, and healing and not much else. I had not been praying and reading Scripture because I wanted to spend time with Him. Instead I had been going to Him to have Him help me make it through my days. God does want us to go to Him with our problems and ask Him for help. However, He also wants us to go to him just because we love him and want to be in his presence.
God really challenged me with that. He wanted to know what was more important, me being healed or me simply knowing Him? Was I willing to say that I wanted a relationship with God more than I wanted to be healed? No I was not, at least not that Sunday.
On that Sunday God reminded me of the story about the time God asked Abraham to take his only son (the son that he had waited years for, he was over 100 years old when he had Isaac) and offer him as a sacrifice. In the Old Testament before Jesus came to earth and died on the cross, people offered animals (usually lambs or goats) to God as sacrifices to atone for their sins. In this story God wanted to see who Abraham loved more, Him or his son Isaac. Just as Abraham was about to sacrifice his son God told him to STOP! It was a test of Abraham’s faith. God never intended for Abraham to kill Isaac. I felt like God showed me this story to illustrate to me his question for me. Did I care more about getting healthy and no longer suffering from depression than I cared about God himself? Again this question pissed me off. I felt like I should not have to choose between God and my health.
The Sunday God challenged me with this question was August 15th. It has been 3 weeks since then. I remember crying throughout worship because I was not ready to say “Yes Lord I choose you no matter what. Even if I stay depressed and suffer from Fibromyalgia I will still choose to love and serve you.”
Well today I was ready. I humbly prayed to God during worship, “I choose you Lord. I choose you. Even if I stay sick I still choose you. I don’t know how I will make it through but I know that with you I can do anything. I choose you Lord. I choose you.” I meant that prayer. I still do. I don’t believe that God wants me to stay depressed but I do believe that he wants me to want Him more than I want anything else, including health.
It felt good to surrender myself to God. It felt peaceful and right.
I read my daughter books before she went to bed tonight. We read from The Jesus Storybook Bible which is one of our favorites. The story that I happened to open up to was the story about when God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
A section from the story states,
“God helped Abraham and Isaac understand something. God wanted his people to live, not die. God wanted to rescue his people, not punish them. But they must trust him.
‘One day Someone will be born into your family,’ God promised them. ‘And he will bring happiness to the whole world.’
God was getting ready to give the whole world a wonderful present. It would be God’s way to tell his people, ‘I love you.”…
Who was he? God’s Son (Jesus), his only Son—the Son he loved. The Lamb of God.”
Thank you Lord for your one and only Son Jesus, the Lamb of God.
I do not think that my turning to this story was ironic or a coincidence. I think it was God blessing me. I think it was God patting me on the back saying “well done my good and faithful servant.” It was God confirming His love for me and that He truly is always with me.
At some point today God reminded me of a worship song that I love. I love the music and I love singing it but most of all I love the words. The song is Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63. The words are as follows;
Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
I just love this song. I often times belt it out in the car forcing myself to truly mean the words “Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name!”
What I thought about today and have many times before is that sometimes we have to choose to praise and bless God even though we don’t feel like it. Well, we don’t have to, but we can choose to because God is always worthy of our praise. For me singing this song is often an act of surrender. It is me saying, even though things suck right now, I am still going to choose to bless your name.
I felt like this morning in church was an act of surrender. And as I said above, it felt peaceful and right.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Sanity
Today has been really tough. I have cried at least four different times. I don’t understand the way I feel. I don’t understand why I am still struggling. I just can’t seem to handle even the slightest bit of stress. Life is full of stress so something is going to have to change. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I hate that.
It is one thing to spend the day at a program that focuses on getting healthy emotionally and mentally and have a really good day. It is totally different to be at home with all of life’s responsibilities, a challenging 3 year-old and I wonderful husband that I feel like I am constantly letting down. I pray and try to keep my thoughts positive and sane and for some reason I am STILL having such a hard time functioning. I don’t understand it. I cannot seem to function in the “real world”.
My depression and my anxiety seem to consume all of me and as hard as I try I can’t seem to break free from it. I just want to be normal and sane. I don’t need to be happy or fabulous. I just don’t want to feel overwhelmed and like I am “losing it” all of the time.
Tomorrow is another day. I sure hope I feel better. I hope I can control my emotions and thoughts better. I think I will focus on all I have to be thankful for.
Happy List (I am so grateful for……)
391. My wonderful hubby and daughter
392. Jesus is always with me
393. Feeling good on Friday
394. Got some info on Fibromyalgia and Adult Children of Alcoholics support groups
395. God is AWESOME
396. I am healing (not as quickly as I would like but I am healing)
397. I am not suicidal (there are many people who are and it breaks my heart!)
398. This world (earth) is not my final destination. I have heaven to look forward too.
399. My parents truly love me
400. WOW I have 400 things I am grateful for (granted some have been repeats)
401. Nurse G
402. I am not afraid to ask for help with my depression.
403. I felt full of joy on Friday
404. My blog has been helpful to other people
405. V gives great hugs and kisses
406. Laughter
407. Forgiveness
408. Rebecca
409. V’s adorable friends
It is one thing to spend the day at a program that focuses on getting healthy emotionally and mentally and have a really good day. It is totally different to be at home with all of life’s responsibilities, a challenging 3 year-old and I wonderful husband that I feel like I am constantly letting down. I pray and try to keep my thoughts positive and sane and for some reason I am STILL having such a hard time functioning. I don’t understand it. I cannot seem to function in the “real world”.
My depression and my anxiety seem to consume all of me and as hard as I try I can’t seem to break free from it. I just want to be normal and sane. I don’t need to be happy or fabulous. I just don’t want to feel overwhelmed and like I am “losing it” all of the time.
Tomorrow is another day. I sure hope I feel better. I hope I can control my emotions and thoughts better. I think I will focus on all I have to be thankful for.
Happy List (I am so grateful for……)
391. My wonderful hubby and daughter
392. Jesus is always with me
393. Feeling good on Friday
394. Got some info on Fibromyalgia and Adult Children of Alcoholics support groups
395. God is AWESOME
396. I am healing (not as quickly as I would like but I am healing)
397. I am not suicidal (there are many people who are and it breaks my heart!)
398. This world (earth) is not my final destination. I have heaven to look forward too.
399. My parents truly love me
400. WOW I have 400 things I am grateful for (granted some have been repeats)
401. Nurse G
402. I am not afraid to ask for help with my depression.
403. I felt full of joy on Friday
404. My blog has been helpful to other people
405. V gives great hugs and kisses
406. Laughter
407. Forgiveness
408. Rebecca
409. V’s adorable friends
Friday, September 3, 2010
Feels Good
I am feeling much better today. There were certainly a lot less tears.
I am frustrated with myself because instead of starting to write an hour ago like I had planned I spent an hour getting lost on my friends beautiful (full of photos and fun) blog. So now I am tired and I am not sure how much energy I have to write.
Anyway…..I saw the psychiatrist at the hospital day program that I am attending and was frustrated further when I found out that she planned to have me discharged today so that I could meet with another psychiatrist (the doc who did my ECT treatments) on Tuesday (since Monday is Labor day) and then immediately start ECT.
WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
I did not agree to that nor do I feel like it is the right course of action. Thankfully I was not as tearful today and was able to convey my thoughts and feelings clearly. I do not want to do more ECT right now. I want to stay in the program and learn as much as I can about myself, my illness and how I can continue to get healthy. I also want to give the new medicine more time to work. And if this one does not work I would like to try more medication combinations before I go right back to ECT.
I expressed my frustration to the nurse (nurse G) in the program. It felt great to be able to express myself clearly. Nurse G was very happy to see me feeling better today. She said that I seemed liked a different person. Yes, I agree. I am a different person when I am not depressed. It is not me to be blah, sad, negative, hopeless, and feeling like I wanted to give up. I am an optimistic, positive, fun, spunky and hopeful person who believes that God has a plan for my life.
I have to admit that I was a bit annoyed that everyone was so worried about me crying so much yesterday. This in an intense program where the staff works aggressively to try to help the patients get well so that they can go on with their lives and live life well. I know that there is no way that I was the first person who cried most of the day.
Oh well, no big deal. It is also the job of the staff to watch us closely to make sure that we (the patients) are not going to hurt ourselves or anyone else. I understand that.
I am just glad that I was able to clearly lay out what I do and do not want as far as my treatment goes. I may be struggling with depression and feel like I am crazy at times but I am not crazy. I do have a good idea of what is best for me and my treatment. And thank goodness they listened. If they had not listened to me I think Nate may have marched in there and given the psychiatrist a piece of his (and my) mind. I sure love my man. He is the best.
I felt like me today. I felt like I was capable of helping others and not simply hanging on myself. Part of group therapy is sharing with one another our struggles as well as wisdom that we have gleaned from our experiences. I have been through a lot of crap. I have dealt with depression for over a decade. It felt great to be able to encourage some of the other folks in the program in their journey to wellness.
One of the things that I hate the most about depression is that it is so self focused. I hate that. I don’t want to be a selfish person. I want to be a giving, sharing and helpful person who serves others rather than draining them. I want to be like Jesus. He was a servant who truly loved all the people he came in contact with. He did not judge them. He loved them and met their needs. (I am not saying that God does not have standards and that Jesus condoned bad behavior. He did however; love the person no matter what kind life they had lived.)
Well that is enough for now. I am tired and I am not sure what else I want to write about. There is so much to say but I am not sure how to organize it. I think that is a sign that I need to go to bed.
I do want to say thank you to all of you who read my blog and who are walking with me on this journey to health. I hope and pray that others are blessed by my honesty. I think one of the worst parts about depression is that those of us who have this illness feel like we are all alone.
Many people are afraid to tell others they are struggling for fear of being seen as weak or lazy. There is still a stigma out there about mental illness. Not only is it therapeutic for me to write about my journey but I hope that it educates others about the fact that depression truly is a disease. I would love to shout from the mountain tops to all the depressed folks that they are NOT ALONE in their suffering. And to everyone else; WE ARE NOT WEAK, we are just hurting and we need your support and not your criticism.
It takes a lot of hard work to heal from depression. There is not magic pill to take. Medication is an important part treating depression. Medication can help the brain start functioning correctly again. But there are also a lot of lifestyle changes that need to be made. I (we) need to learn to love and forgive ourselves. I (we) need to choose to think positively and NOT allow negative thoughts invade our minds. We must bravely choose to face the events of our past that may have contributed to our illness. Those of us who are fighting depression are extremely courageous. If you are struggling with depression (whoever you may be) you are not alone, you are extremely brave, and you will make it through this!
I am frustrated with myself because instead of starting to write an hour ago like I had planned I spent an hour getting lost on my friends beautiful (full of photos and fun) blog. So now I am tired and I am not sure how much energy I have to write.
Anyway…..I saw the psychiatrist at the hospital day program that I am attending and was frustrated further when I found out that she planned to have me discharged today so that I could meet with another psychiatrist (the doc who did my ECT treatments) on Tuesday (since Monday is Labor day) and then immediately start ECT.
WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
I did not agree to that nor do I feel like it is the right course of action. Thankfully I was not as tearful today and was able to convey my thoughts and feelings clearly. I do not want to do more ECT right now. I want to stay in the program and learn as much as I can about myself, my illness and how I can continue to get healthy. I also want to give the new medicine more time to work. And if this one does not work I would like to try more medication combinations before I go right back to ECT.
I expressed my frustration to the nurse (nurse G) in the program. It felt great to be able to express myself clearly. Nurse G was very happy to see me feeling better today. She said that I seemed liked a different person. Yes, I agree. I am a different person when I am not depressed. It is not me to be blah, sad, negative, hopeless, and feeling like I wanted to give up. I am an optimistic, positive, fun, spunky and hopeful person who believes that God has a plan for my life.
I have to admit that I was a bit annoyed that everyone was so worried about me crying so much yesterday. This in an intense program where the staff works aggressively to try to help the patients get well so that they can go on with their lives and live life well. I know that there is no way that I was the first person who cried most of the day.
Oh well, no big deal. It is also the job of the staff to watch us closely to make sure that we (the patients) are not going to hurt ourselves or anyone else. I understand that.
I am just glad that I was able to clearly lay out what I do and do not want as far as my treatment goes. I may be struggling with depression and feel like I am crazy at times but I am not crazy. I do have a good idea of what is best for me and my treatment. And thank goodness they listened. If they had not listened to me I think Nate may have marched in there and given the psychiatrist a piece of his (and my) mind. I sure love my man. He is the best.
I felt like me today. I felt like I was capable of helping others and not simply hanging on myself. Part of group therapy is sharing with one another our struggles as well as wisdom that we have gleaned from our experiences. I have been through a lot of crap. I have dealt with depression for over a decade. It felt great to be able to encourage some of the other folks in the program in their journey to wellness.
One of the things that I hate the most about depression is that it is so self focused. I hate that. I don’t want to be a selfish person. I want to be a giving, sharing and helpful person who serves others rather than draining them. I want to be like Jesus. He was a servant who truly loved all the people he came in contact with. He did not judge them. He loved them and met their needs. (I am not saying that God does not have standards and that Jesus condoned bad behavior. He did however; love the person no matter what kind life they had lived.)
Well that is enough for now. I am tired and I am not sure what else I want to write about. There is so much to say but I am not sure how to organize it. I think that is a sign that I need to go to bed.
I do want to say thank you to all of you who read my blog and who are walking with me on this journey to health. I hope and pray that others are blessed by my honesty. I think one of the worst parts about depression is that those of us who have this illness feel like we are all alone.
Many people are afraid to tell others they are struggling for fear of being seen as weak or lazy. There is still a stigma out there about mental illness. Not only is it therapeutic for me to write about my journey but I hope that it educates others about the fact that depression truly is a disease. I would love to shout from the mountain tops to all the depressed folks that they are NOT ALONE in their suffering. And to everyone else; WE ARE NOT WEAK, we are just hurting and we need your support and not your criticism.
It takes a lot of hard work to heal from depression. There is not magic pill to take. Medication is an important part treating depression. Medication can help the brain start functioning correctly again. But there are also a lot of lifestyle changes that need to be made. I (we) need to learn to love and forgive ourselves. I (we) need to choose to think positively and NOT allow negative thoughts invade our minds. We must bravely choose to face the events of our past that may have contributed to our illness. Those of us who are fighting depression are extremely courageous. If you are struggling with depression (whoever you may be) you are not alone, you are extremely brave, and you will make it through this!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Thoughts
I feel the need to write even though I already wrote once today. I am feeling unsettled. But first my gratitude list:
Happy List, I am so thankful for...
366. Getting a roll-about (knee scooter) so that I do not have to use crutches anymore!
367. Feeling less depressed
368. Helpful doctors
369. Blogging
370. My friend is being honored in a wonderful way and is going to have her talent displayed for many people to see.
371. V’s Nana and Dziadek (Ja Ja) got a clubhouse and small pool for her to play in when she is at their house.
372. The Footprints in the Sand poem
373. My parents have been helping a lot since I sprained my ankle (and throughout the depression struggle)
374. V’s pediatrician’s office is great
375. Good health insurance that is making it possible for me to attend the partial-hospitalization program for depression and anxiety.
376. Great phone date with cherished friend the other night
377. So many wonderful friends are helping watch V while I go to the day program
378. V has SO many people who love her
379. My Jesus Calling devotional book rocks!
380. God is so very close to me right now
381. Laughing with my daughter
382. Learning new stress relief techniques
383. Ice….it is helping my ouchy foot
384. God is ALWAYS with me
385. V is very healthy
386. Nate is incredibly faithful and supportive. I am so blessed to have him.
387. We have air conditioning
388. My church family and other friends and are praying for me every day. Thank you!
389. The activity therapist in the program I am in does an excellent job coming up with creative activities to help us heal.
390. The dedicated caring people who run the program that I am attending.
391. I have the Holy Spirit living in me giving me strength and power every day. (Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. –Ephesians 6:10)
So why am I unsettled? Irritable? Struggling? I don’t know exactly. I am frustrated that the psychiatrist at the hospital program who thinks that since we have tried all the medications that ECT is our only hope. I am not totally against ECT but I don’t think it is our only hope. I think we can try different combinations of medications. I (we) know that one anti-depressant medication does not alleviate my depression. I used to take two that worked well together. They stopped working. But we can try other combinations.
Or……..maybe I do have some deep buried issue that needs to be resolved that is the cause of my depression. I don’t know. I do know that I am willing to do whatever (and I really mean whatever) it takes to get healthy.
Someone said something interesting to me today. The nurse (at the program) suggested that I need to work on forgiveness. I told her that I am pretty good at forgiving people. She said yes, but that I needed to work on forgiving myself. Interesting. I am not very easy on myself. In fact I am quite critical of myself. I like myself. I like the non depressed Carly. I think I am mad at myself for being depressed. Maybe I need to forgive myself for being sick. I think I blame myself for my Fibromyalgia too. I need to forgive myself for that and all of the other things that I think I need to be doing but am not doing. God tells us to forgive others but I have not really put that into practice with myself. Interesting.
I compare myself to others too much. I compare myself to the moms who are healthy (who don’t have fibromyalgia and depression) and I am so hard on myself because I am not doing half of what they are doing. But the truth is; I am doing the best that I can. I am a good mom and a pretty good wife. I would like to be doing more with my life. However, if I am able to love and know God, and be a good wife and mom than I think I am doing ok. I need to learn to be ok with that.
God loves me for exactly who I am not what I do. He is ok with me just being me. I don’t have to be “doing” things to earn his love. He loves me because I am his child, his masterpiece that he created, and because I am Carly Rachel Pastuszka Zechar.
I need to learn to be ok with just “being”. That is a difficult thing to do because everyone around me is “doing”. Society and people judge others by their accomplishments. But honestly, when V looks back on her childhood is she going to care more about all the “stuff” I did or about who I was? Is she going to remember if the house was clean or if I sat and played with her every day? I would like to do both but I need to learn to be ok with what I can do. I need to learn to be ok with who I am within the limitations I have due to my health. This is much easier said than done.
The activity therapist at the hospital program I am in had us do a really neat activity. She had us make a tool kit for self repair. The kit included a hammer (things to do to take care of myself physically), screwdriver (things that bring peace), pliers (creative expression), wrench (my support system), level (my hobbies and talents), scrapper (ways I help others), and duct tape (positive affirmations about myself). She had cut out each of these tools and had us write about things in the above categories on them. The idea is that when we are struggling we can go back to this tool kit and be reminded of what we can do to help ourselves, how we help others, what we like to do and how great we really are.
I had a hard time filing in the scrapper which was ways that I help others. I have felt so useless lately. But there are things that I give to others. I am always willing to give a hug, an encouraging word, a compliment, sympathy, my love, wisdom and big smile. I wish I did more for others but I suppose that will have to be enough right now.
I also realized that I need to come up with some new hobbies and cultivate some new talents. Many of the hobbies I had are no longer possible due to my health (running, snowboarding, hiking and camping). I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar. Maybe I could do that.
I was also very grateful that I had several names of people to fill in on my wrench (my support system). I am very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. When I think about it…..I would not have such great people in my life if I was not pretty great also. We (people) tend to pick friends who are of the same caliber as we are. I have some awesome friends. So if I look at that objectively, it is logical that I must be a pretty darn good friend too. I don’t feel like I am but I must be otherwise I would not have such excellent friends.
I would like to find some more creative outlets. I also need to find some extra energy to explore those outlets but one thing at a time I suppose. Baby steps Carly, one step at a time.
The activity therapist also had us make a grief and loss chart. I am realizing that I have not really looked at my poor health (fibromyalgia and depression) as a loss. But it truly is and I need to grieve that loss. I have felt silly and selfish for being sad about not being able to run or snow board anymore. After all it is not like I have cancer or anything. But the truth is that many of my dreams are no longer possible (at least right now) because of my health. That is a HUGE loss that I need to grieve.
I am just starting to let myself get angry about this loss. I am pissed off that I cannot do what I used to do, that I cannot do many of the things that I loved doing. I am pissed that I cannot run around in the park with V without being in tremendous pain. I am pissed that we cannot go on long camping trips because my body can’t handle sleeping on anything other than our special bed with it’s special fibromyalgia specific padding (the Cuddle Ewe). I am pissed that both depression and fibromyalgia have robbed me of so much energy. Energy that I could have used to visit friends, do things with my family, work a job and contribute financially, have more babies, be involved in youth ministry (which is something that I was extremely passionate about) and be the person I want to be.
I have such limited energy and that pisses me off. I feel like I have so little energy that needs to be spread so very far. Oh well. Again, I need to learn to be ok with myself. I need to learn to be ok with the limitations that I have and enjoy everything that I can do. I have so much to be grateful for. I am truly a blessed woman.
A prayer to the awesome God I choose to serve:
“God you are truly good and loving. Thank you for blessing me with my family and friends. Thank you for loving me so completely. I believe that you are in the process of healing me and that I will be healed. I believe that I am your child whom you will never leave or forsake. Thank you for giving me the courage to face this darn depression. Please continue to give me the strength to move forward with this healing process. Please give my doctors wisdom and ideas on how to treat my illness. I trust you Lord. I trust that you have plans for me, big plans, and exciting plans and that the suffering I am enduring right now is not for nothing. I choose to praise you even when I don’t feel like it. I choose to praise you because you are always worthy of praise. You are the victorious glorious God, the king of all kings, the Lord of Lords, and the one true God. Thank you God for all that” you have given me and done for me. It is in the name of Jesus that I pray.”
Happy List, I am so thankful for...
366. Getting a roll-about (knee scooter) so that I do not have to use crutches anymore!
367. Feeling less depressed
368. Helpful doctors
369. Blogging
370. My friend is being honored in a wonderful way and is going to have her talent displayed for many people to see.
371. V’s Nana and Dziadek (Ja Ja) got a clubhouse and small pool for her to play in when she is at their house.
372. The Footprints in the Sand poem
373. My parents have been helping a lot since I sprained my ankle (and throughout the depression struggle)
374. V’s pediatrician’s office is great
375. Good health insurance that is making it possible for me to attend the partial-hospitalization program for depression and anxiety.
376. Great phone date with cherished friend the other night
377. So many wonderful friends are helping watch V while I go to the day program
378. V has SO many people who love her
379. My Jesus Calling devotional book rocks!
380. God is so very close to me right now
381. Laughing with my daughter
382. Learning new stress relief techniques
383. Ice….it is helping my ouchy foot
384. God is ALWAYS with me
385. V is very healthy
386. Nate is incredibly faithful and supportive. I am so blessed to have him.
387. We have air conditioning
388. My church family and other friends and are praying for me every day. Thank you!
389. The activity therapist in the program I am in does an excellent job coming up with creative activities to help us heal.
390. The dedicated caring people who run the program that I am attending.
391. I have the Holy Spirit living in me giving me strength and power every day. (Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. –Ephesians 6:10)
So why am I unsettled? Irritable? Struggling? I don’t know exactly. I am frustrated that the psychiatrist at the hospital program who thinks that since we have tried all the medications that ECT is our only hope. I am not totally against ECT but I don’t think it is our only hope. I think we can try different combinations of medications. I (we) know that one anti-depressant medication does not alleviate my depression. I used to take two that worked well together. They stopped working. But we can try other combinations.
Or……..maybe I do have some deep buried issue that needs to be resolved that is the cause of my depression. I don’t know. I do know that I am willing to do whatever (and I really mean whatever) it takes to get healthy.
Someone said something interesting to me today. The nurse (at the program) suggested that I need to work on forgiveness. I told her that I am pretty good at forgiving people. She said yes, but that I needed to work on forgiving myself. Interesting. I am not very easy on myself. In fact I am quite critical of myself. I like myself. I like the non depressed Carly. I think I am mad at myself for being depressed. Maybe I need to forgive myself for being sick. I think I blame myself for my Fibromyalgia too. I need to forgive myself for that and all of the other things that I think I need to be doing but am not doing. God tells us to forgive others but I have not really put that into practice with myself. Interesting.
I compare myself to others too much. I compare myself to the moms who are healthy (who don’t have fibromyalgia and depression) and I am so hard on myself because I am not doing half of what they are doing. But the truth is; I am doing the best that I can. I am a good mom and a pretty good wife. I would like to be doing more with my life. However, if I am able to love and know God, and be a good wife and mom than I think I am doing ok. I need to learn to be ok with that.
God loves me for exactly who I am not what I do. He is ok with me just being me. I don’t have to be “doing” things to earn his love. He loves me because I am his child, his masterpiece that he created, and because I am Carly Rachel Pastuszka Zechar.
I need to learn to be ok with just “being”. That is a difficult thing to do because everyone around me is “doing”. Society and people judge others by their accomplishments. But honestly, when V looks back on her childhood is she going to care more about all the “stuff” I did or about who I was? Is she going to remember if the house was clean or if I sat and played with her every day? I would like to do both but I need to learn to be ok with what I can do. I need to learn to be ok with who I am within the limitations I have due to my health. This is much easier said than done.
The activity therapist at the hospital program I am in had us do a really neat activity. She had us make a tool kit for self repair. The kit included a hammer (things to do to take care of myself physically), screwdriver (things that bring peace), pliers (creative expression), wrench (my support system), level (my hobbies and talents), scrapper (ways I help others), and duct tape (positive affirmations about myself). She had cut out each of these tools and had us write about things in the above categories on them. The idea is that when we are struggling we can go back to this tool kit and be reminded of what we can do to help ourselves, how we help others, what we like to do and how great we really are.
I had a hard time filing in the scrapper which was ways that I help others. I have felt so useless lately. But there are things that I give to others. I am always willing to give a hug, an encouraging word, a compliment, sympathy, my love, wisdom and big smile. I wish I did more for others but I suppose that will have to be enough right now.
I also realized that I need to come up with some new hobbies and cultivate some new talents. Many of the hobbies I had are no longer possible due to my health (running, snowboarding, hiking and camping). I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar. Maybe I could do that.
I was also very grateful that I had several names of people to fill in on my wrench (my support system). I am very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. When I think about it…..I would not have such great people in my life if I was not pretty great also. We (people) tend to pick friends who are of the same caliber as we are. I have some awesome friends. So if I look at that objectively, it is logical that I must be a pretty darn good friend too. I don’t feel like I am but I must be otherwise I would not have such excellent friends.
I would like to find some more creative outlets. I also need to find some extra energy to explore those outlets but one thing at a time I suppose. Baby steps Carly, one step at a time.
The activity therapist also had us make a grief and loss chart. I am realizing that I have not really looked at my poor health (fibromyalgia and depression) as a loss. But it truly is and I need to grieve that loss. I have felt silly and selfish for being sad about not being able to run or snow board anymore. After all it is not like I have cancer or anything. But the truth is that many of my dreams are no longer possible (at least right now) because of my health. That is a HUGE loss that I need to grieve.
I am just starting to let myself get angry about this loss. I am pissed off that I cannot do what I used to do, that I cannot do many of the things that I loved doing. I am pissed that I cannot run around in the park with V without being in tremendous pain. I am pissed that we cannot go on long camping trips because my body can’t handle sleeping on anything other than our special bed with it’s special fibromyalgia specific padding (the Cuddle Ewe). I am pissed that both depression and fibromyalgia have robbed me of so much energy. Energy that I could have used to visit friends, do things with my family, work a job and contribute financially, have more babies, be involved in youth ministry (which is something that I was extremely passionate about) and be the person I want to be.
I have such limited energy and that pisses me off. I feel like I have so little energy that needs to be spread so very far. Oh well. Again, I need to learn to be ok with myself. I need to learn to be ok with the limitations that I have and enjoy everything that I can do. I have so much to be grateful for. I am truly a blessed woman.
A prayer to the awesome God I choose to serve:
“God you are truly good and loving. Thank you for blessing me with my family and friends. Thank you for loving me so completely. I believe that you are in the process of healing me and that I will be healed. I believe that I am your child whom you will never leave or forsake. Thank you for giving me the courage to face this darn depression. Please continue to give me the strength to move forward with this healing process. Please give my doctors wisdom and ideas on how to treat my illness. I trust you Lord. I trust that you have plans for me, big plans, and exciting plans and that the suffering I am enduring right now is not for nothing. I choose to praise you even when I don’t feel like it. I choose to praise you because you are always worthy of praise. You are the victorious glorious God, the king of all kings, the Lord of Lords, and the one true God. Thank you God for all that” you have given me and done for me. It is in the name of Jesus that I pray.”
Not Alone
I cannot believe that it is September. I thought that I would for sure be better by June. I hoped for May but by June for sure. Here we are three months later. I am still struggling with and fighting depression. I have not given up but I am weary. I am so tired.
I started a partial-hospitalization program at Sparrow this week. It is intense. It is called an intensive program so by nature it is supposed to be intense. It is pretty tough coming home to the responsibilities of being a wife, mom and home owner. I have very little energy and not much to give (at least it feels that way). But that is life. I cannot press the pause button just because I am struggling with depression AGAIN.
I cried from about 9:15 am until 1:00 pm today. I think I worried the program people. The psychiatrists (a new one and the old one who did my ECT before) want to do more ECT. I don’t know what I think about that. Nate and I don’t feel they worked that well. However the doctor reminded me that at the time of the treatments I reported that I was feeling better. They did help at the time but I need a long term solution (treatment) to this stinking problem (illness). I (and Nate) am not sure if it is worth the money and possible memory loss to do more ECT. The psychiatrist explained that some people need to have maintenance ECT done, like one every month. That seems like an awful lot of brain shocking to me. I am not ready to jump back into that means of treatment yet. We shall see.
The psychologist in charge of the program is pushy. I suppose that is a good thing. If they are going to help you in five days they need to push their way into your problems so they can help you deal with them. He has pissed me off a couple of times. That’s ok. What I don’t like is that I feel he is rushing me. I also feel like sometimes he jumps to conclusions and does not fully listen to me. It is group therapy so to some extent he needs to “rush” me to keep things moving so that all the folks get their time to share. He suggested that maybe since the medicine and ECT have not worked that I have deeper “issues” that I need to deal with. Great! I would love to be off medicine and not have more ECT. What are the issues? Please tell me so I can deal with them. It is too bad that it is not that easy. It is interesting that the psychologist and the psychiatrist are thinking two different things. I don’t know what to think. I know that I am sick and that I desperately want to be well.
I also know that God is with me. I know that he has been with me every step of the way. Today in one of our groups the leader asked me to address a statement made by a patient because she thought I was more spiritual than her. He was saying that he would like to feel close to God again. I tried my best to explain that I think that God is always with us. His word, the holy Scriptures tell us that He will never leave or forsake us. I also said that I totally understood how he feels and that I have been angry at God at times. I don’t understand exactly why I have been suffering so much or why this man has either but I do KNOW that God is with me right now and has not left me for one minute. I asked him if he had ever heard of the Footsteps poem. I talked about how in the poem the person sees only one set of footsteps and thinks that God has left him. In reality God had been carrying him during those difficult times. I just looked it up on line so I could print it off for him. I think it is very poignant and full of truth. I have included it below.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Mary Stevenson, 1936
We later talked about how God will use what we are going through to help others some day. I know that God can use the most terrible parts of our life and turn them into something good, like us helping someone else who is hurting. However, I don’t think that we (I) should tell someone that when they are in the middle of their suffering. It is not helpful and can often be hurtful. When you feel like shit you just want someone to listen to you or hug you and NOT tell you how God will use it for good one day. When we are in the middle of a storm all we see is the dark cloud, raging wind, roaring waves, sharp lightening, and pounding rain. Later after the storm has calmed down and the sun peaks out from behind the clouds is when we are ready to see the rainbow. It is then and only then that we are able to learn about how God can bring good out of our suffering.
So now what? I am in this program. I am eager to get well. God is with me. I am not alone. ECT or no ECT? I just don’t know. I suppose God knows. What I do know is that I am READY TO BE BETTER.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."
--Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version)
I started a partial-hospitalization program at Sparrow this week. It is intense. It is called an intensive program so by nature it is supposed to be intense. It is pretty tough coming home to the responsibilities of being a wife, mom and home owner. I have very little energy and not much to give (at least it feels that way). But that is life. I cannot press the pause button just because I am struggling with depression AGAIN.
I cried from about 9:15 am until 1:00 pm today. I think I worried the program people. The psychiatrists (a new one and the old one who did my ECT before) want to do more ECT. I don’t know what I think about that. Nate and I don’t feel they worked that well. However the doctor reminded me that at the time of the treatments I reported that I was feeling better. They did help at the time but I need a long term solution (treatment) to this stinking problem (illness). I (and Nate) am not sure if it is worth the money and possible memory loss to do more ECT. The psychiatrist explained that some people need to have maintenance ECT done, like one every month. That seems like an awful lot of brain shocking to me. I am not ready to jump back into that means of treatment yet. We shall see.
The psychologist in charge of the program is pushy. I suppose that is a good thing. If they are going to help you in five days they need to push their way into your problems so they can help you deal with them. He has pissed me off a couple of times. That’s ok. What I don’t like is that I feel he is rushing me. I also feel like sometimes he jumps to conclusions and does not fully listen to me. It is group therapy so to some extent he needs to “rush” me to keep things moving so that all the folks get their time to share. He suggested that maybe since the medicine and ECT have not worked that I have deeper “issues” that I need to deal with. Great! I would love to be off medicine and not have more ECT. What are the issues? Please tell me so I can deal with them. It is too bad that it is not that easy. It is interesting that the psychologist and the psychiatrist are thinking two different things. I don’t know what to think. I know that I am sick and that I desperately want to be well.
I also know that God is with me. I know that he has been with me every step of the way. Today in one of our groups the leader asked me to address a statement made by a patient because she thought I was more spiritual than her. He was saying that he would like to feel close to God again. I tried my best to explain that I think that God is always with us. His word, the holy Scriptures tell us that He will never leave or forsake us. I also said that I totally understood how he feels and that I have been angry at God at times. I don’t understand exactly why I have been suffering so much or why this man has either but I do KNOW that God is with me right now and has not left me for one minute. I asked him if he had ever heard of the Footsteps poem. I talked about how in the poem the person sees only one set of footsteps and thinks that God has left him. In reality God had been carrying him during those difficult times. I just looked it up on line so I could print it off for him. I think it is very poignant and full of truth. I have included it below.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Mary Stevenson, 1936
We later talked about how God will use what we are going through to help others some day. I know that God can use the most terrible parts of our life and turn them into something good, like us helping someone else who is hurting. However, I don’t think that we (I) should tell someone that when they are in the middle of their suffering. It is not helpful and can often be hurtful. When you feel like shit you just want someone to listen to you or hug you and NOT tell you how God will use it for good one day. When we are in the middle of a storm all we see is the dark cloud, raging wind, roaring waves, sharp lightening, and pounding rain. Later after the storm has calmed down and the sun peaks out from behind the clouds is when we are ready to see the rainbow. It is then and only then that we are able to learn about how God can bring good out of our suffering.
So now what? I am in this program. I am eager to get well. God is with me. I am not alone. ECT or no ECT? I just don’t know. I suppose God knows. What I do know is that I am READY TO BE BETTER.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."
--Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version)
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