It Still Hurts!

Depression freaking hurts! Seriously, it really hurts. I cannot believe how much it hurts. I am still surprised by the gut wrenching pain I feel on some days. I feel like I am starring in the antidepressant commercial that states,

Depression hurts!
Where does depression hurt?
Everywhere.
Who does depression hurt?
Every one.

Ouch it hurts. I have spent the past two days really hurting. Why? Good question.

I saw my therapist today and I was like a volcano spewing red hot raw emotion. I just kept erupting. I had so much to say, yell and cry about. It was good to get it out. No wonder they (therapists) get paid well, they hear a lot of awful stuff. I feel less toxic now. But man am I tired. I think I could take a four hour nap and still sleep all night.

One of the main emotions I am dealing with right now is anger. I am so freaking angry and pissed off at my body. Seriously, it needs to get the hint and GET BETTER! I have been working extremely hard on getting and staying healthy. I am exercising (sometimes twice a day), doing relaxation exercises (also known as guided meditation), praying, reading my Bible, having others pray for me, journaling, eating healthier, taking my medication, seeing my therapist, seeing my psychiatrist, stopping negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. I am setting goals and following through with them. I am trying not to make my to-do list to long (this is difficult to do because there is always so much to get done) so that I am successful each day. I am trying to be gentle with myself. I am doing my part. It is time for my body and brain to get on board with the Healthy Carly Project. I am so angry that I am still struggling with depression and anxiety.

I am also pissed off at my Fibromyalgia body. Exercising helps depression and anxiety. It also helps us stay healthy and maintain a healthy body weight. I am exercising a lot (as much as my fibro body will allow) and my body is not cooperating. It is not easy to get back into exercising when you are out of the habit and are out of shape. But I am making myself do it because I really really really want to be healthier. I am putting in the effort and my body is retaliating. I have had so much more pain since I have started walking longer and faster. So now my body hurts all over along with my painfully depressed heart and brain. I feel betrayed by my body. It is almost like it (my body) wants me to fail. It is like my body does not want me to be healthy, whole, energetic, and in shape. I know this is crazy. My body does not actually have thoughts of it’s own but it is sure making my life challenging.

Up until this week the depression has been a lot better but I had increased anxiety. I have found that the best thing to treat my physical anxiety is to exercise. I really want to go run and run hard to work all that yucky anxiety out. However, if I went running I would probably not walk for a week. So instead I walk. I am so pissed that I have shin splints from walking. Seriously, being sore from walking? What is that all about? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am just so angry at my body. I am asking you Body, will you please start working with me? I would really like for us to be on the same team.

I am thankful that I can walk. There are many people who can no longer use their legs or arms or other body parts. I am thankful that I have what I have. Now if I could just get myself to stop comparing myself with others I might be even happier with myself.

I am not sure what else is causing the increased hurting other than anger. I am just really tired of struggling with and fighting depression. I am ready to be victorious. I want my life back. I want to have energy to enjoy my life.
I had a glimpse of feeling better. I think that is part of why I hurt so much right now. I was feeling better and I feel like I have moved backwards. I was so excited to be moving forwards. I was so excited to feel capable and stable. Is stability really too much to ask for? It is not like I am asking to be some famous actress who makes tremendous amounts of money. I simply want to be mentally and emotionally healthy. I want to be a capable, confident and stable wife and mom. I am not even trying to be a super-mom. I will happily settle for being a productive creative thriving stay-at-home mom. I understand that I have limitations. Limitations are ok but depression is not ok. Not anymore!

Ok time to focus on what I am thankful for.

Happy/Gratitude List

291. The weather is gorgeous! It is cool enough to have the windows open. I love fresh air.
292. I got a hair cut today.
293. My therapist is really helpful.
294. My dog escaped out of our yard (under the fence) late last night. The great part is that she came home to us in one piece and without smelling like a skunk (literally).
295. V is getting very comfortable in the water and even likes going under water. She loves to swim like I did.
296. We get to go swimming tomorrow.
297. I get to see photos of Bethany's and Darci’s beautiful babies on facebook.
298. I get to take a nap after this.
299. It is Friday!
300. V’s favorite song is Trading My Sorrows. It is one of my favorites too.
301. She (V) frequently belts out the words “Joy comes in the morning…The joy of the Lord is my strength…I’m trading my sickness, I’m trading my pain, I’m trading them in for the joy of the Lord.” What could be more adorable and uplifting than that?
302. Wow! I have 300 things that I am thankful for.