Frustrated

Today’s Happy List

280. I slept pretty well last night
281. I get to spend the day with my daughter
282. I am awake early enough to do a few things to help take care of my mental and emotional health.
283. Play date today with some wonderful friends
284. My friend Emily rocks!
285. Two of my friends have just had healthy babies. YAY!
289. God is with me.
290. “Joy comes in the morning” I am so thankful for this. Sometimes we just need a new day.

I am dealing with some frustration and anger. I was really feeling it last night. I am not exactly sure how I am feeling this morning. I just got up. I do know that I want to feel good and that I want to enjoy today.

I broke old dishes in my driveway last night. I smashed 3 of them into pieces. I was feeling so frustrated and pissed off. I did not want to stuff those feelings inside and let them fester. So I smashed dishes. It helped a little. I seem to remember it working better when I have done in the past. I any case I smashed the dishes instead of being crabby or screaming and yelling. Most importantly I let myself feel the frustration and anger instead of pretending I was ok which would set me up for more problems later on.

Why am I frustrated? There are a few things on that list. First, I had a really crappy day yesterday. I had planned on organizing Vienna’s room but I felt really sick. I woke up in a tremendous amount of pain. I was groggy, achy and yucky all over. I tried getting out and walking which usually helps but instead I felt worse afterwards. I am REALLY frustrated and pissed off at my body.

M came over yesterday to watch V during my counseling appointment and to spend time with us. We were going to work on V’s room together. We had a couple of problems right away. Problem One, V had gone the past 3 days in a row without taking a nap and without sleeping in to make up the loss of sleep. She was so tired, crabby and needy. Problem Two, I felt terrible. My body was not cooperating with me. Problem 3, M had it in her mind that we were going to completely reorganize V’s room and do nothing else until that was done. Problem 4, whenever M felt that time was being wasted she got on her phone or the computer which was very frustrating and hurtful.

V and I have spent a limited amount of time with M over the past few years. When we are finally with her I would really love for us to get her completely. I don’t want to have to share her with her 50 friends who call or text. I have not felt like a priority but I thought it was because of her stressful job. But now that she is retired I thought things would be different. Plus, I feel bad for V. She was so excited to see M but then she kept using her phone. V totally notices this stuff. She has asked me to put my phone down and play with her more than one time.

I have more to write about the day yesterday but it is making me crabby and I refuse to be crabby today. I will try writing later.

I am still really struggling. My day actually got worse. I felt like I was losing my mind this morning. I woke up really anxious so I started exercising which usually helps. I used the elliptical machine and then I did part of a work out tape and then when V woke up we went for a walk. But I still felt edgy and out of control. I got V settled playing outside in the sandbox and promptly came inside and feel apart. I prayed. I cried out to God. I yelled. I cried. I kicked the dryer (only once because I did not want to break it but if I could have found something else to kick I would have kicked the crap out of it.) I literally felt like I was going crazy. I could not seem to get myself under control. I called my counselor to see if he could squeeze me in. I thought I was going to have a breakdown right there and have to go back into the hospital. What the hell? I just don’t understand what the hell is going on with me. My brain is still sick and that pisses me off. I am freaking trying so hard to get healthy and my brain is still being a pain in the ass.

I trying so hard to fight this damn depression and now my body is acting up. Exercising helps produce endorphins and endorphins naturally help depression. So I have been exercising a lot. But now my stupid fibromyalgia body is protesting and I am in pain. I just want to screeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammm! Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg I am just freaking trying to get healthy.

Anyway….as I was having this meltdown I remembered the tapping technique. I tried it and it actually helped calm me down. I had to do it several times but it did really help. I was so tired after the ordeal (and all the exercising) that I really just wanted to go back to bed. But I could not do that. I had my precious daughter outside waiting for me to play with her. We had a play date to get to. So I made myself focus on getting ready to go. Wow was that tough. It was almost as hard as the last mile in a long run when you are so exhausted and all you can do is focus on moving your arms back and forth because you know that your feet will follow your arms. We made it to the play date.

Thank God for a nap this afternoon. I was so exhausted that I could barely stay standing up. I felt quite a bit better for a little while afterwards. I talked to my psychiatrist and he told me to try taking my Ativan every evening to try to prevent extreme anxiety. I usually just take it as needed. We also talked about how I may have to go back on SSRI medication. I currently take only one anti-depressant medication. That is amazing since I have not been on only one since 1999.

But the anxiety came soaring back into my being. The anxiety makes me edgy, crabby, inpatient, tense, intense and I feel physically crappy. So being the proactive little depression/anxiety fighter that I am I went in my room (leaving poor Nate with Vienna after he had a particularly terrible day) and did relaxation exercises. This helped for about 1 hour. Now I am back to feeling on edge, pissy and so damn frustrated with my body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am ready to go smash more dishes and I would if the neighbors were not all outside. I don’t want them to think I am going crazy or something.

Maybe a glass of wine will help. Maybe not since alcohol is a depressant and can make fibro pain worse. But maybe it will help the anxiety that is driving me crazy. Oh how I am looking forward to the days when I feel completely sane for several weeks in a row.