Touched

7-7-10 (12:51 am)


I just had the most honest, touching and healing conversation with my sister. She read my Bad Day entry before I edited it for the fourth time and was very concerned. She asked me a lot of challenging questions. She asked me what I would do if Nate got sick and was in the hospital. She asked how I would handle it. What would I do? Good question. I would pray a lot. I would ask people for help and I would find a way to take care of him, me and my daughter. I would rally.

I believe that God does not give us more than we can handle. He always wants to help us, He is willing to die for us (and He did) and He will never leave us. But most times He does not help us in the way we think He should. We want Him to take away all the yucky stuff and to just make it better. He wants us to learn, grow, persevere and depend on Him.

I would ask for help. I have been extremely humbled and touched in the past year by the many people who have helped me. I have been overwhelmed with the kindness of the people in my life. I never used to want to ask for help. I did not want to burden others. I felt like I had to be strong and do it all by myself. I thought that I had to pretend everything was good in order for people to still want to be around me. But God wants us to bear one another’s burdens. He wants us to help other people and most people really do want to help. I know I do. I want to support, encourage, love, help and bless the people in my life. I have learned that is ok to ask for help. I am not weak for recognizing that I need some assistance. Thank you to everyone who has helped me. I cannot express in words how much your support and love means to me. I am truly a blessed woman. I am so thankful that I do not have to fight this fight alone.

Anyway…back to my conversation with my sister, it was refreshing to be so honest. It was refreshing to have her ask how my marriage is and if I am happy. So many of us want to ask family members questions like that but are afraid of prying or offending. My marriage is great by the way. It has been an extremely challenging year but we are in love, totally committed to each other and happy to be spending our lives together. She told me how much she loves me and is rooting for me. She was honest and said that it is very hard to read my blog sometimes. As much as she wants to help me there is only so much she can do. She said that ultimately it is up to me to make myself happy. I agree for the most part. I have a whole theory on happiness that is too long to get into now. But yes this battle ultimately has to be fought by me. I have God with me every step of the way. He will help me fight and will be my shield as well as an arrow in the fight. I have family and friends who are encouraging and helping me. However, the responsibility of fighting and winning the war with depression rests upon me. I do realize that. I am not looking for medicine to be some easy way out or quick fix. Like I have said before I am fighting to win this war and I will not give up!

Thanks sis for asking me the tough uncomfortable questions. Thank you for being gentle while asking them and for reassuring me that you were not criticizing me. Thank you for telling me how much you love me and how often you are thinking of me. I am so grateful for you. I am so blessed to have someone who loves me the way you do. Unconditional love is somewhat rare in our society. Sister, thank you for loving me unconditionally and thank you so much for telling me that you love me unconditionally. I am touched by your sincere encouragement and your willingness to challenge me. I feel even better than I did when I got on the phone with you and I was feeling really good.

I think it is interesting how so many people feel like they cannot be totally honest with family members.

I have been so blessed with amazing women (some men too) over the past few days. First I had many friends and church members praying for me and for the terrible nightmares I was having. Then I received some very encouraging and helpful messages about how to handle terrifying nightmares. My Pastor sent me a message over facebook but he also called me to see how he could encourage me and so that we could pray together about the nightmares. Secondly I have talked to some amazing women who have been like a big burst of sunshine in my life. They have been like the rainbow that comes after the terrible storm (Monday was my storm). A rainbow offers light and hope after the storm with its breathtaking beauty and symbolizes new beginnings. Emily, Sandi, Liz and Sara you guys rock. Thank you for being a ray of sunshine in my life and a rainbow that glows with hope and beauty.