Wants

7-25/26-10 (12:45 am)

I have been having a lot of really good days. However this is a down day. I suppose that is why I am writing. I need to vent some of my yucky feelings.

It has been 12 days since I last wrote. Almost two weeks. I have really missed writing. I have been busy trying to get my life together. I have been walking every day and have been increasing the length of time that I walk as well as the speed in which I walk. Last week I also did Yoga almost every evening. I slacked off on the weekend. My daughter is home with me again. She will no longer be going to daycare. I am trying to get my upstairs organized. There is so much work to do in that area. I am not even beginning to tackle the basement. I just want our upstairs to be organized. I want everything to have home, a place where it belongs so that we do not have “stuff” everywhere. Instead that stuff will be in its home. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. But I am trying. The challenge is that I have so many things that I want to change about me, my life, my house and my family that I cannot seem to….

I am having trouble formulating clear thoughts for the above paragraph so I suppose I will move on
I am struggling with comparing myself to other people this weekend. I can’t do that. I know that it is not helpful in any way and it only makes me feel like I am falling short. I wish so very much that I was mentally, physically and emotionally healthy. I wish that I could keep up with all the super moms around me. There are moms who work, have social lives, are wonderful wives and who are terrific parents. There are other moms who stay home with their kids and manage fantastic households. They are the moms who have beautiful houses with nice decorations and furnishings.

I know that I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling like I do not measure up to all the moms around me. I know that I should not compare myself to them but sometimes I cannot help it. I want to be a better mom and wife. I fall short in so many areas. It hurts me that I fall so short. I want to have a clean, well decorated; organized, home that is a comfortable place for me to have people visit. I want to have more energy so I can keep up with my daughter and not grow weary. I want to be intentional in our time to get….

Never mind. Writing about this is just making me feel worse. I don’t want to feel worse. I want to feel better. I want to be better. I want to be a different person today. I don’t want to be sick struggling with depression and Fibromyalgia Carly. I am tired of letting my husband down. I am tired of being me. I want to be my friend B. I am calling her B for beautiful.

B just moved into a beautiful new house in which she is decorating beautifully. I think one of her MANY talents in interior decorating. The furniture is fabulous and so are all the other beautiful touches she has made to each room. She has it extremely organized and has somehow found a way to make organization look stylish. He floors are free of toys because she always picks them up right away. She makes friends wherever she goes. I adore her. She has a rock solid marriage. She and her husband talk about everything. They use kind gentle words with each other and are uplifting rather than downing. Her kids are amazing. Her daughter is one of the sweetest most well behaved children I have ever met. The reason she is like that is because she is so persistent and consistent in teaching her how to act and react appropriately. She works from home doing something she loves and is so gifted at. She has a knack at making everything look beautiful. She has an amazingly strong faith. She grows their own vegetables. She cooks amazing meals that she also presents looking like art. She makes her own homemade yogurt. And she makes it all look so easy. I know it is not always easy but she makes it look that way. I think I want to be B when I grow up. Gosh I wish I could be just a little bit more like her and a little less tired, struggling, unorganized, messy (both emotionally and physically) me.

I just don’t’ want to write anymore cuz it is making me feel worse.

Moving on....God I just need so much help from you. I am such a mess. I need you. Please help me get my life in order. I want to be a blessing to husband and daughter. I am a stay home mom for goodness sakes I should at least be able to do that.

Please help me stop comparing myself to everyone else. They are not dealing with freaking depression. I hate depression. Why am I still dealing with depression? Why is life so much easier for some people? I just want to be done being depressed. Done being sick. Done being tired. Done being the looser me that I feel like I am right now. I know I am not a looser but why am I struggling with things that are so easy for so many people. I just want to be a person who blesses others. I want to serve God and serve His people. I want to be a fantastic, fun, consistent, reliable mother. I want to bless my husband in every way possible. I want to have a clean house so I can invite people over. I want to live a life of purpose. I want to get healthy. I want to exercise every day and not end up in tremendous amounts of pain afterwards. I want to lose weight and be healthy physically. I want to be able to keep up with my daughter. I want to be able to have another baby. I want to be completely emotionally and mentally stable. And believe me I am trying to be stable. I am fighting like hell to make it happen. So it better happen. I want to have the energy to…… Ok enough with the I wants. Time to move on.

I want to curse. F***! F this is hard. F this stupid depression. F fibromyalgia. F-F-F!!!!!

I wish I was sleeping. I am tired. It is 1:21 am. Tomorrow I have so much that I need to get done. Now there is a good chance that I will be in lots of pain and that I will be too tired to get my many tasks done. I tried going to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I just couldn’t turn my mind off. I kept thinking about all the areas I fall short in. I do a few things well. But not very many right now. I am trying. I am fighting. I am working on making me and my life better. I am really trying. I am tired of trying. I want to be succeeding. I want to be better. I want my depression to be better. I want my fibro to be better. I want me to be better. Better at life. Better at keeping house. Better at caring for my child. Better at being a great wife. Better at serving God. Better Better Better!!!! I want better.