6-29-30
I have a cold. Ickkk! I want to go lay down but I am not sure if that is the cold or the depression speaking. I have been weaning off Celexa from 60 mg down to 10 tomorrow. So far it has been ok. I am so thankful. I wake up each morning thanking God that I am no spiraling down the depression hole.
It has been hard to take care of my emotional/mental health while I have been sick. It is hard to journal when your head is pounding. I tried reading Purpose Driven Life yesterday but my head was too fuzzy. Anyway, I am trying not to be bummed that I am sick. If I let myself dwell on it I could get down about it. It is beautiful out and I am lying around inside.
Plus I am supposed to go up North with V and some of my family tomorrow. However one family member has a low immune system so I cannot go if I am sick. The last thing I want to do is make her sick but I hate to miss out on more of summer. What is really hard is that I have been talking to V and getting her excited about going all week. I don’t want to let her down. So many of our plans get changed because I do not feel well. I was going to keep her home with me this morning but then I decided that I really needed to rest in order to feel better for the trip. I want to be a woman of my word. If I tell V we are going to do something I want to do it. I do not want to let her down or make her feel I am not dependable. I guess I really need to not tell her about things until we are actually leaving to do them. That way I protect her and me. I hate not being able to do things because I am sick or depressed.
V told me last night and this morning that she does not want to go to daycare anymore. I tried so hard not to feel guilty and let her words get to me. She is fine there. She just misses me. The problem is I miss her. I am aching to have more time with her. I want to take her to the beach and to the park and enjoy summer with her. The problem is that those things are not fun and are stressful when I am not feeling well. This morning was hard because I don’t feel well. I am ready to be healthy and to enjoy my life!
I have not cried in about a week. I don’t think that crying is a bad thing. In fact it can be very therapeutic but me not crying shows that I have been doing pretty well. Today that changed when I realized I could not take V up north if I have a cold. I am just so sad that one more time I am letting her down. I know it is not the end of the world or even that big of a deal. It is just that this (me canceling and changing plans) is becoming far too common. And she is old enough now to see my inconsistency. Children want to know they can count on their parents. Ok….deep breath…..it will be ok. We may just have to wait another day. And if we have to stay home I can take her swimming here.
I have been practicing my cognitive behavioral therapy a lot lately. Whenever I start to think negatively I stop my thoughts and change them. Yeah me!
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
- Carly
- I am a 33 year old stay at home mom. I have a very supportive husband. I have been dealing with depression for half my life and have been on medication for 14 years. The meds are no longer working. My diagnosis is major reoccurring treatment resistant depressive disorder. I am desperate to feel better. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe He is all powerful and mighty but I often don't understand how my depression fits into His plan. I want to have hope but I am feeling hopeless.
No comments:
Post a Comment