Bad Day!

WARNING: This is a very raw entry.  I have written about my honest unfiltered feelings.  I had a very bad day but I am much better now.  Please don't read this if you cannot handle some intense emotion.

7-5-10

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to feel like this. I hate being me right now. I hate that I am irrational, unstable and irritable. I was doing well. Then I received a few critical statements that I could not seem to let go of. Then I was really tired and crabby. Then today I fell apart. I left crayons in the car. They melted. When Nate got rightfully upset I could not handle it. I couldn’t stop thinking of all the many many things that I screw up. I was unfair to him and was SO incredibly irrational when he shared his frustration. Then I just wanted to die.  I felt (feel) like I needed to be punished. I was so crazy and out of control. It was like I was watching myself from above knowing that I was acting irrational but I could not stop myself. It was horrible. I feel horrible.

Everything has consequences. Every time I freak out I hurt Nate. I worry him; I appear less capable of taking care of my daughter. I hate freaking consequences. I hate that they happen when I am a mess, unstable and not me. Why am I not me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I control myself? I used to be able to keep myself together.

And if anyone fucking answers that I need to try harder than I am going to throw a plate at their head. Today was not normal. There is something crazy going on inside my brain. Something is not working right. I have been practicing my damn thinking positive stuff. I have been praying and asking God for help. I have been exercising. I have been doing my best to enjoy everything. I have been waking up and taking time to thank God for all the good things I have. So I am freaking doing my part.

I don’t know what to do. My husband totally deserves better. He deserves to have a stable loving wife who is able to keep herself together. He deserves to have a non-chaotic household. He deserves to have a loving wife that he can count on and some crazy woman that might fall apart at any moment. I feel so terrible. He feels like he made me get depressed today. I had been doing well and then he got upset with me and I freaked out. Ever since then I have been crying and barely hanging on. But if we look at the past two days there were signs.

I was so exhausted on Saturday that I took a 3 hour nap. Then I slept from 11:30 pm until 3:00 pm on Sunday. I got up for a half hour to try to get ready for church. I could barely keep my eyes open and I was unbelievably crabby. Now I was legitimately physically tired. Sometimes people who are depressed sleep to escape how they are feeling. This was not one of those occasions. I literally could barely keep my eyes open and I slept really hard that whole time. Then I was back in bed at 9 pm and slept all night last night except when I woke up in pain. Anyway that is not normal. And my irritability level was not normal either.

Nate worked very hard while I was gone cleaning all the carpets in the house. The problem is that anything that was on the floor or on top of furniture got thrown in garbage bags. The bookshelves were emptied and put into boxes ect… Well our house has a lot of excess stuff in it. I need to organize better and we need to find permenant places to put stuff in. Right now much of it ends up in piles on furniture (Yes I know that it is pathetic that I cannot keep my house organized and that if I did there would not be this huge mess now). Anyway, all of those piles are now in unmarked garbage bags. So I came home from and exhausting but mostly enjoyable trip to the house being in complete disarray. As much as I wanted to be grateful for all the hard work that Nate did I was so pissed that everything was everywhere. I could not even walk in my daughter’s bedroom without tripping over stuff. I kept having to ask him where things (like my newly potty trained daughter’s underwear and pull-ups were and where my shoes that were under the bed had been put and where my pile of important papers) had been moved to. The answers I was given were often I don’t know or somewhere in a garbage bag. So my state of mind was not the best since I was extremely exhausted with 50% less anti-depressants in my body. The chaos and disarray was too much for me to handle. My poor sweet husband. I should have been singing his praises and instead I was pissy to him about the house being torn apart.

I am so disappointed. I have spent the past two weeks weaning off Celexa which is one of my anti-depressant medications. I was doing really well. I was feeling good. I was feeling more like Carly and less like crazy depressed weirdo Carly. I was so excited I thought that maybe the ECT treatments had worked but had taken time for me to see the full effects. I thought that I was going to be able to feel good, be stable, rational, calm, content and not depressed while only having to take one anti-depressant medication. I was thrilled. Well I guess that is not going to happen. I now have to start another new medicine with a whole new set of oh so fun side effects. I get to enjoy those side effects for a good month before we can tell if the side effects are worth enduring. It usually takes at least a month if not two to find if the anti-depressant will actually decrease the depression and other problems I am having.

Yes I sound bitter and cynical. That is how I feel tonight. Tomorrow will be better (I hope). Tomorrow I will choose to believe that the new meds are going to work. I will choose to trust and believe that God is healing me. Tonight, on the other hand, I am pissed off that my brain is so screwed up and that I am so screwed up. I am pissed that a family member made critical comments about my parenting skills. I am doing the best that I can. And I am PAINFULLY aware of my many short comings in this area of my life. I would love to be the perfect parent but it is just not in the cards for me or anyone for that matter. I am trying. I am doing my best. My daughter adores me so I must be doing ok. I know I fall short so please stop reminding me!!!!!! If she is serious danger of getting hurt due to my negligence or lack of parenting skills then please speak up otherwise PLEASE shut up! I ask lots of people on many occasions for parenting help and advice because I am open to learn and improve in any way that I can. If I want your advice I will ask for it.

I would really like to go buy some cheap plates and then smash them. I think that sounds very therapeutic. I want to smash some plates and get out some of my anger and frustration. Maybe if I punish the plates then I won’t feel the need to punish myself for sucking today.  Maybe.

Ok.  How am I doing with my goals?
Goals for June

1. Fill in flower beds *
2. Hang up clothes in bedroom *
3. Put away Vienna’s clothes *
4. Clear off kitchen table*
5. Have birthday party for Vienna *
6. Put up swing set *
7. Clean bathroom (me clean it rather than Nate)
8. Clean Laundry area (wipe down)
9. Take Vienna to Hawk Island *
10. Go to counseling with husband *
11. Come up with Daycare plan *
12. Drink 8 glasses of water a day *
13. Pray regularly for Nate and Vienna *
14. Meet with Dad *

I suppose 12 out of 14 are not that bad. Now I need to continue hanging up the clothes in the bedroom, putting away Vienna’s clothes, keeping kitchen table cleared off, drinking water and praying regularly for Nate and Vienna. And cleaning the bathroom and the laundry room will get moved onto my July goal list.

Thank goodness tomorrow is another day.  God is good.  Tomorrow will be better.

Update:
It is now two days after my very bad day. I am doing much better. I even sound good if you talk to me. I just finished talking to my sister and she said several times that I sound good. I am new at this blogging thing. Sometimes I write everything I am feeling and I do not filter it enough to post online. I apologize for the times I have worried anyone who reads this. This particular entry I have edited four times now. (I just edited it again).


I feel like I have learned a great deal in the past two days. I was really scared by how I felt on Monday. I was afraid that the severe depression was back and that was overwhelming. I am still struggling with depression but I am much better than I was. I overreacted on a bad day. I was irrational but I felt much better after I vented my feelings through writing. I am still learning how to handle my intense emotions. Anyway I am ok. I had a very depressed day but I am good now and I am moving forward. I feel very hopeful and healthy about what happened on Monday because I have learned from it. I am continuing to learn, grow, change and heal. I am fighting a very challenging fight but I am fighting to win. I WILL NOT GIVE UP.