I don’t understand how we can just wake up crabby. What happens to us while we sleep that makes us wake up feeling yucky? Blech! I got out of bed and was struggling with being annoyed with Vienna and Nate as soon as my feet touched the floor. I don’t understand that. So I prayed. “God please help me. I don’t want to be crabby.” I took deep breaths but inside I found myself looking forward to them leaving. Now I just need to figure out how to avoid the crabby mornings. If I wake up crabby what can I do to get over it and get over it fast! I went to bed thanking God for my precious family. But I also struggled with crabbiness yesterday.
I feel very physically crabby. I am working really hard on controlling my thoughts but my body still feels yucky. My muscles are tight and achy. My chest feels mildly fiery and sort of anxious. It is like there is a crabby cloud hovering over me that is pressing down on my body making it feel yucky/crabby. So now what? I am listening to positive music. I shouted out a quick prayer asking God to help me Not be crabby. I think I should go exercise. I wish I could go for a really hard run or kick box so I could beat the crabbiness right out of me. But I will be happy with what my body can handle a nice walk with my Dog. Off I go. Hopefully I will return feeling great!
So I walked my dog for a good 50 minutes. It was painful and now I am tight and sore but I think it helped the crabbiness. Well at least I thought it helped the crabbiness. I am moving sore due to the soreness but I was doing my best not to let that bother me. I have so much to do today. Then my husband came home. And suddenly the crabbiness was back. It was like I did not like and I did not want him near me. Everything he was saying and doing was annoying me. Even the way he was chewing his food annoyed me. What in the world? Why was I all of the sudden crabby again? Did I feel like my space was being invaded or that my alone time was being violated? Normally I love it when he comes home. I wonder if I have gotten too used to being by myself. That is not a good thing because the goal is to get Vienna back home with me every day. That means she would be with me all the time and I would have very few breaks. There is nap time but I usually sleep then and unfortunately sleep does not qualify as quality alone time. Ugggggggggg. Why am I so crabby? While Nate was still here I went down stairs to do the laundry. I did not want to hurt him. And since I was feeling like I did not like him it was very probable that I would hurt his feelings. Granted escaping to the basement to do laundry when he is only home for 30 minutes did not send a positive message either. I went for the lesser of the two evils.
So now here I am at the computer. I have a long list of house chores to get done. I am very tired. If I take a nap I could feel better afterwards. Then again I might not. I could push through and work but I can tell I will be moving very slowly which will make it hard to get much done. I could try to do something that would make me laugh. That would be good. But I really should work. Maybe I will go take a long hot shower and see how I feel then.
Happy List
269. Walking in the woods with Jenny-Dog
270. I had a really good time of prayer, worship and positive thinking during the walk.
271. God’s promises are real and true and all for me if I claim them.
272. My sweet hubby comes home to visit me at lunch sometimes
273. We are having dinner with my mom and Tom tonight
274. Jenny-Dog is very happy
275. Vienna looks adorable today (and every day)
276. We have air conditioning
277. I almost have 300 things on my happy/grateful list
278. I have been enjoying my relaxation exercises
279. It has felt really good to remember the times when I was healthy and strong. I am looking forward to being that way again.
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A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
- Carly
- I am a 33 year old stay at home mom. I have a very supportive husband. I have been dealing with depression for half my life and have been on medication for 14 years. The meds are no longer working. My diagnosis is major reoccurring treatment resistant depressive disorder. I am desperate to feel better. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe He is all powerful and mighty but I often don't understand how my depression fits into His plan. I want to have hope but I am feeling hopeless.
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