Pain Is Still Pain

Phew I just made it through my morning routine.

Carly’s Morning Routine
1. Wake up
2. Take Medicine
3. Make bed
4. Pray for the day
5. Shower
6. Get dressed
7. Eat
8. Read Scripture and Devotional

Granted it is 12:45 but I did it! I have been trying to do this routine for about a week and a half and it is surprisingly difficult right now. Depression robs me of so much energy, focus, gumption, joy, vitality, and productivity.

It is a great victory that I made it through the routine since I spent the first couple hours I was awake desperately trying to wake up without coffee. I like coffee but it has been making me very anxious lately. Then I spent another hour sobbing. I think the crying was therapeutic. I feel a bit better. I called my dear friend in the midst of the crying and asked her to pray for me over the phone. I actually felt more at peace as she prayed. I still cried (sobbed) for a while after but it was more hopeful crying. I hurt so much during that hour. It was like several bricks were on my chest pressing down hurting my heart. I ached. I felt emotionally, mentally and physically sick. I was overwhelmed with pain. I could not tell you exactly why I was crying other than I was in agony and in tremendous pain. Depression really hurts.

I watched a PBS special on depression. One of the psychiatrists interviewed on the program said “Imagine feeling the worst you have EVER felt and then imagine feeling that way EVERY day and not knowing why.” Wow that really sums up depression well. It is so hard for people who have not been depressed to understand it. And frankly I don’t want them to understand it because then they would have to go through it and it is HORIBLE!

I am off to see my counselor now. Hopefully I will feel even better after some good talk therapy.

6-22-10


I was given a copy of an entry from the blog Beyond Blue. The title is Pain Is Still Pain, What is it about the pain of depression that we are afraid to call it pain? This blog discusses what I was trying to express yesterday. Depression is really painful. It hurts! Yet those of who are depressed feel selfish talking about it because we do not have cancer, a broken leg or even the flu. We have not just lost our house and family to a natural disaster. And all of those people are really hurting. Talking about depression the author of this blog article states “Like me, you are too embarrassed or ashamed to call pain what it is. Because no crumbled village, tumor, or broken bones can be faulted. Just a power failure in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, and some neurotransmitters with no GPA systems…getting lost from one neuron to the next.” Depression hurts and pain is still pain.

I set some goals for June. It has been really challenging to meet them because I am having trouble making my bed and showering every day. I can’t believe how little energy I have. Anyway these are my goals;

Goals for June
1. Fill in flower beds *
2. Hang up clothes in bedroom (half way done)
3. Put away Vienna’s clothes *
4. Clear off kitchen table
5. Have birthday party for Vienna *
6. Put up swing set *
7. Clean bathroom (me clean it rather than Nate)
8. Clean Laundry area (wipe down)
9. Take Vienna to Hawk Island *
10. Go to counseling with husband *
11. Come up with Daycare plan *
12. Drink 8 glasses of water a day (working on it)
13. Pray regularly for Nate and Vienna (working on it)
14. Meet with Dad *

The ones with stars I have done. I have a week left to finish the rest.

I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday. I cried most of the day yesterday but I think it was really therapeutic. I feel cleansed in a way. It is like I got out some of the toxic depressive feelings and now I am a little bit closer to not being depressed.

I was absolutely exhausted last night and again this morning. Crying really wipes me out physically, emotionally and mentally. You could see the overwhelming fatigue on my face. Nate was really worried about me last night. I kept assuring him that I was ok just extremely worn out. Even after a pretty good night of sleep last night I was still exhausted this morning. So I took a 3 hour nap today and I am not feeling guilty about it. I am feeling pretty good now.

I am trying my best to not get overwhelmed with the MANY tasks I have to get done. I keep reminding myself to take baby steps. I need to make a very small to-do list so that I can feel good about getting them done. I have a really hard time being proud of the small steps I take. I want to be better now and I want to accomplish big tasks. When I got through my morning routine yesterday I was very proud of myself when I thought about the 8 things that I did. Then I started to think about how most people do all of those things in the first hour and half that they are awake. I literally had to say STOP out loud to keep myself from comparing myself to others. I just cannot believe how long it is taking me to get healthy. I thought I would be so much better by now. I want to be better now!

Happy List
1.  The sunshine this week
2.  Jenny-dog and I had a great hour long walk in the woods this morning
3.  Mom is retired
4.  I have wonderful praying, caring and supportive friends!
5.  V and I are going to visit our good friends on Thursday.  We are so excited!
6.  V did a great job with potty training yesterday
7. Having a good cry yesterday