Asking For Help

I have never been very good at asking for help. I am afraid of burdening or overwhelming people. Right now I am at a place where I have no choice but to let others help me. I am overwhelmed by the kindness of others. For some reason I think I thought I did not deserve to have others help me. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was to ask my professors’ in college to grant me in-complete status for my classes due to my Fibromyalgia and depression. It was excruciatingly hard to admit that I could not finish what I had started. I was afraid to tell my parents. I was so embarrassed. I also had to talk to the school dean and ask for special permission to continue living on campus the next fall. I was only taking eight credits (not full-time status) and was trying to finish my in-completes. It is so hard to admit weakness. I felt like a quitter, a loser and like I was weak.

I remember sobbing and asking God to help go to these people. I literally felt sick about what I had to do. I was scared of their responses. I was embarrassed. Depression has such a stigma and many people do not understand it. To my surprise and great relief I was met with kindness and understanding. It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. I felt so vulnerable and I hated feeling that way.

People continue to surprise me with their willingness to help. I still feel like I don’t deserve it but I am doing better at accepting it. I am overwhelmed by the kindness of the moms in my Mom to Mom group. Many of them I have not even known for a year. Yet they continue to pray for me and bring my family meals. It is hard to express how helpful it is to have meals brought to us. Very little food sounds good to me. I stare in the fridge and into the cupboards and cannot come up with anything to eat. Not only does it not sound good but the idea of having to prepare it is overwhelming. I have so little energy. I usually end up eating crackers, cookies, pop tarts, cereal or ice cream. Having someone bring me a meal takes away the problem of deciding what to make and the burden of having to make it. It is important for me to eat well because food produces energy. And I desperately need energy. Plus I don’t feel guilty for not feeding my wonderful family.

Thank you Lord for all of the people you have sent to help me. Thank you for teaching me to accept and welcome their help.

I have spent the past two days in bed. This was partly due to tiredness from a busy weekend but partly due to being too depressed to do anything else. I got up this morning determined to have a better day. So far I am succeeding. I got dressed, brushed my hair and teeth, went to the bank, returned a video, wrote and delivered my friend’s birthday card and wrote some other LONG overdue cards. It is very important to me to remember people’s birthdays and to offer encouragement if they are going through a rough time by sending cards. Oh, and now I am journaling Yeah Carly! That is six more things than I did yesterday. Yesterday I did manage to shower, go to counseling and go to a movie. Monday I don’t think I did anything until my daughter came home. I went to the movie because I needed to get out and do something. When I don’t feel like I have the energy to do anything I can at least drag myself to a theater and sit and watch a movie.

Yeah Carly. Today is a better day.