A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Feeling Useless

I am feeling useless again. I feel like a burden, a money pit and a stressor. I know that those are not productive thoughts but I still feel them. What good am I to my husband? I know he loves me but seriously I am not what he bargained for. If I am not sick I am depressed. If I am not depressed I am fatigued and if I am not fatigued I am sick. Our medical bills are crazy. And I am still not better.

My psychiatrist and counselor think that this new medicine is causing the increase in my depression. Stupid medications. They mess with my already messy brain. But we are going to continue on for a little longer to see if the side effects get better. I have also had a headache and have been SOOOOOOOOOO tired since I started the new medication.

I am crying and I feel like I could cry for another two hours. I really feel like my husband would be better off without me. I feel like all I am good for is sex. I know in my head that is not true but I still feel that way. I feel like I don’t contribute anything to our life. I am trying to be logical but I feel so yucky. I realize that I am being irrational but I still feel these feelings. I want to change. I want to be different. Why am I not different? I don’t understand mental illness. I don’t understand me.

I am still grateful for…

231. A house that keeps me warm and sheltered.
232. Food.
233. Money to live on.
234. Family that loves me in spite of my craziness.
235. Camp Newaygo this weekend.
236. God loves me and will never leave me.
237. Funny movies.
238. Loving and supportive friends.
239. Hope.
240. An awesome dog named Jenny.
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