Yuck!

Warning:  This is not an uplifting post.  I talk about some very depressing things.  Please beware that this is not for the faint of heart.

5-29-10


Happy Gratitude List continued

214. I had a great time with my friend Sara yesterday. It was so good to catch up and to talk about what God is challenging us with.
215. No depression today!!!!!!
216. Nate and I are doing really well. We are very happy in spite of all the stress.
217. I got to snuggle with Vienna this morning. I love to snuggle her.
218. Yeah!!! Long family weekend.
219. I get to spend time with my mom and V tomorrow. I really miss my mom

5-30-10

220. Nate loves me in spite of all the crap I put him through.
221. Nate’s Job (even though he hates it) it provides for our family, our food, bills, entertainment, and the much needed health insurance.
222. Today sucked big time but tomorrow is another day. Yay for new mercies in
the morning.
223. God's power is really perfect in me right now because I am so very weak
right now.

6-1-10

This weekend was pretty much terrible. I have not been that depressed since before I went into the hospital. I was actually wondering if I needed to go back to the hospital. I decided against it because they don’t do that much therapy in the inpatient hospital program. Mostly they just keep you from hurting yourself. I am not really in danger of hurting myself. However, I felt so miserable the past few days that I thought a lot about suicide. I wanted to die but I knew that I needed to live. I don’t ever want to put my family through the pain of losing me like that. Nate wants me in his life and my daughter needs me. There is no other person on the earth who would love V the same way that I do. She needs her Mama. Nate could meet another woman but I know he wants me. I often wonder why when I am so depressed that I am barely functioning but I know that he wants me and loves me.

I have recently watched the movies Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and In Her Shoes. In both movies the mother of one of the main characters committed suicide. Those characters are left trying to figure out why their mother left them by choice. Why their mother did not want them. The thing with depression is not that we don’t want what we have rather, we feel those around us would be better off without us. Or we feel we just cannot handle the pain of the depression. On Sunday I cried all day. When I thought about not living anymore I felt like I could not handle the pain I was in any longer. I don’t really want to die. I want to feel better. I want to be there for my family and I desperately want to enjoy life. I just don’t know how much longer I can handle this overwhelming hurt that I am feeling.

It is really hard for me to admit I was thinking about dying. It seems like that is quitting and I don’t want to quit. I am not a quitter. I want to fight. Actually I am pretty tired of fighting I am ready to be victorious. It is hard to explain the agony and misery that I feel when I am feeling like it would be much easier to die. I am sure it is hard for most people to understand. I do know that people who commit suicide are sick and not necessarily weak. I know how horrible it feels when dying seems like the best option. Depression really can be fatal. It is not some silly feeling that is a weakness of the person who is depressed. We cannot just snap out of it. I want to and I am sure other folks who are depressed want to but it is just not that easy to “cheer up”. Gosh, I sure wish I could just “cheer up.” Man I wish I could!

Thank God I am feeling better today. I started a new medicine on Friday evening so it is possible that had something to do with the severe depression I was experiencing. However I am still really unstable. I cannot handle much of anything. My daughter’s whining makes me want to bang my head against the wall. My patience is so thin or even nonexistent. I am irritable (and I hate being irritable) and really “out of it.” My mind feels fuzzy, my vision feels fuzzy too.

I bumped into the car in front of me at a stop light tonight. Luckily it was an SUV so I did not damage their car. Unfortunately my car did not come out unharmed. There is a nice crack in my front bumper. I am feeling pretty numb about this incident. I am numb because if I really think about it I will be pretty devastated and start to hate myself. I know a bump is not the end of the world but I have had several of these bumps. My poor husband is trying to not be mad but I know inside he wants to take away the car keys. He works at an auto insurance company and he had to put up with the humiliation of his wife being kicked off the policy due to my many accidents. I cannot believe I let this happen again!!!! I feel so incompetent.

I suppose I should not have been driving. I started a new medicine on Friday that my psychiatrist gave me to hope improve the depression and I am still getting used to it. It warns that you should not drive until you are used to it. I started it Friday. It has been 4 days. Obviously I was wrong or am just a terrible driver. I did act responsibly after the incident. I called Nate and had him come pick me up. We will go get the other car tomorrow night if I feel I can drive safely.

I just read about the side effects of this medicine. It lists increased depression and suicidal thoughts as a possible complication of the medication. Maybe the medication was the cause of my extreme depression this past weekend. It would be nice to know that I am not getting worse. However if the medicine is the cause of this depression increase that means I will have to stop taking it. We have tried every medicine out there (literally every medicine) except for the really old MAOI anti-depressants. This is kind of a last resort as far as medication goes. The MAOI meds have TONS of side effects are rarely ever used anymore.

I am feeling like a burden again. I don’t want to tell friends and family about how I am really doing because I don’t want to stress them out. I am tired of causing people to worry. It also makes things awkward because most people don’t know what to say. I don’t expect them to say anything special but just to listen and love me. I am embarrassed that I am ST ILL struggling with this. Why can’t I just snap out of it?

Tomorrow is my daughter’s birthday. I am so bummed that I am feeling this way because I really want to make her day special. I am praying that I will wake up tomorrow full of energy so that I can make her day extra-special.

Let’s see what am I thankful for in spite of all of this?

223. Nate did not yell at me for the car incident.
224. No one was hurt.
225. The car is not totaled.
226. I can spend the day resting tomorrow (after I get the birthday stuff ready)
227. I get to go to Camp Newaygo this weekend.
228. God is still in control.
229. God is still very good.
230. I love giving presents and I get to give them to my favorite little girl tomorrow.