Hanging On

I have not written in over a week now. Usually I love writing but lately I have not wanted to do anything including journal. I have been fighting physical problems along with the ever present depression. I have a horrible headache right now. I woke up this morning feeling worn out, achy and not at all refreshed. I could have gone right back to bed. But I made myself shower. I felt a little better after the shower, it helped the achy muscles.

I have been trying a new medicine called Lamictal. It supposedly can augment and make the antidepressants I am already on work better. I have experienced several side effects that have been very unpleasant. The worst has been the drowsiness. I wake up still tired and I could sleep all day. I have slept all day a couple of days. Sometimes people who are depressed use sleep an escape from how they feel. They sleep to avoid feeling depressed. That is not what has been going on here. I have been physically tired and have been sleeping hard. I also experienced worse depression when I first began the medicine and an increased loss of interest in everything. I don’t feel like doing anything. The last couple of days I did not even feel like going to the movies and I always want to go to a movie. I usually love being around people and lately I would just rather be alone. I really have to fight this feeling with all my strength. It is so weird not wanting to do anything. I don’t even like most food right now. And I love to eat.

I saw my psychiatrist today. We both agreed that Lamictal is not a good medicine for me. So now I have to wean myself off it slowly. We are going to try a new medicine called Savella which can also help with fibromyalgia symptoms. The problem with that is that I have to wean of f my celexa first. So most likely the next few weeks will be really rough. I will probably get worse before I get better. Yikes.

I asked the doctor if they (researchers) know why people get depressed. His honest answer was no. I also asked him why my depression is so bad and why I am not responding to medicine the way most people do. I knew the answer I was going to get but I really just wanted to hear that I am not a weak person. He said that I have major reoccurring treatment resistant depression. That this is not some sort of character flaw but a medical condition. I left the office crying. I was crying because there is not an immediate promise of getting better and because it was good to hear that I am not weak.

I am having a difficult time writing due to the drowsiness and headache but I need to be disciplined in dong things that will help me get better.

I am trying very hard to stay positive. On my way to the psychiatrist’s office I listed all that I am grateful for. It was a long list but I am not sure if I can remember it now.

I am grateful for….

1. The birds singing
2. Tie-dying last night
3. Vienna’s hugs
4. I showered today
5. Hope
6. God’s faithfulness