I have been feeling really insecure all night. I wanted Nate to give me some encouragement but he did not quite catch on. I asked him to tell me he loved me and he did. I asked him to tell me he likes me and he did. I asked him if he would miss me if I was gone and he said he would miss me. He answered all my questions but I really needed/wanted more. I wanted him to encourage me using his own words and thoughts. I asked the questions that I needed answers to but I was also hoping those questions would lead to him telling me some of the things I wanted to hear. I know that is selfish but I really needed some affirmation tonight.
Nate is tired and I should not expect anything extra from him. He has been so faithful through all of my episodes of depression and fibromyalgia flare ups. He too is worn out from all of this. He is very very tired. And that makes me sad. I wish I could offer him some rest but instead I just keep being a burden. He would never say that I am a burden to him but how can I not be?
I am feeling a bit hopeless tonight. I am trying to stay positive, I really am but I am still feeling somewhat hopeless. I saw my psychiatrist today. We talked about how I have major reoccurring treatment resistant depression. I wanted to know why? Why isn’t medication working for me when it works so well for others? But that is not an easy question. My psychiatrist reminded me that I have treatment resistant depression which means I don’t respond well too many of the medications. I also tend to be very sensitive to the side effects.
Some people would suggest that I am depending too much on medication and that I need to personally fight harder at defeating depression. It is also suggested that I need to be strong and make myself do things to help me get better. I AM! I am fighting and I am trying to do things to help me get better. I am doing the best that I can. I am doing the best that I can. I know that there is more that I need to do but for right now I am doing the best that I can. I am barely holding on. I am doing the best that I can.
I don’t know if I can handle a lifetime of depression of this magnitude. I want to say yes I can and I will and God will help me. But I don’t see much light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing and trying the things my psychiatrist and therapist are telling me to do and I still feel so yucky. I cry almost every day. I have cried five times today. I love summer and I don’t feel like doing much of anything. Usually I would be out walking, playing, swimming, and barbequing. Right now I have to force myself to shower. And all I really feel like doing in sleeping or maybe watching a movie on TV. Normally I love being social but right now social activity is very hard for me. I am uncomfortable or I would just rather be alone. Usually I am very social and would much rather be with people than be alone. It is so weird how depression changes us. I have no motivation or gumption right now. I don’t feel like doing anything. Nothing sounds good. I have not even wanted to go to the movies this week and I love going to the movies.
I have a request of my friends who read this blog. I need some encouragement. I need to know why you are glad that I am in your life and how you would miss me if I were gone. Please help remind me what I am fighting for. Right now I am having trouble seeing clearly. I know my daughter needs me but what else do I give to the world around me. How do I contribute? How do you see me helping others? I know that I sound desperate, childish and selfish. I am sorry for that. But I really need some encouragement. So please humor me and don’t think less of me for asking. Thank you in advance.
P.S. I am not thinking about harming myself. I still plan on fighting this bloody war with depression until I am victorious.
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Carly! I love you! You are my shining example of a positive, caring person. You always look on the bright side... even in this you have not given up, even when you've felt hopeless. You keep on moving forward, no matter what, and I am so proud of you. You always take care of me and offer to meet my needs... even now. Your offers to help love me up more than you know. You always remember my birthday. I'd miss your cards that you send (for all occassions) filled with encouraging notes about our friendship. I'd miss your laugh. I love going to the movies with you and laughing out loud together when no one else is laughing. That makes me laugh even harder. Let's go to the movies Friday!
ReplyDeleteSpecifically, I want to address what you contribute to your family. You are teaching Vienna what it means to fight! You are teaching her that at all cost, we must try to rise above the things that try to hold us down! You offer her constant love, respect, support, and friendship (and she's only 3!). You are a shining example of how to focus on and help others even when you are in such need and despair yourself. She is learning and growing in a safe and loving environment. When she's older and understands what you are going through, she will have a whole new level of respect for you and the things you did just to keep her childhood as "normal" as possible. She loves you for delighting in her and loving her so unconditionally.
ReplyDeleteNate is so blessed to have you for a wife. You love and respect him in ways that some women miss offering their husbands. He has loved you from the start, and never stopped. He knows how hard this is for you and he knows that he can't stop it for you. That's all he wants to do! Stop it for you and him, and V. But he can't, and that hurts him more than anything. You are his world, he would be lost without you. He wants nothing more than for you to get better, or even simply to a place that He can "fix it," you know? This is all very hard for him, but it's not a burden, it's an adjustment. He just has to adjust to how things are going to be and what his role is in the life that you share together.
You already know what an awesome friend you are. YOu know that I love you! You know that you are truly one of my best friends on the planet. I love how even though we started out friends because our husbands were, we actually clicked, connected, and became truly dear to one another's hearts! I love you Carly. I pray your pain subsides!
Carly,
ReplyDeleteNo one can really understand what you are going through right now. But what we can appreciate is your strength of spirit and will to get better.
I see small but important indications that you are getting better; (like the dove that returned to the Noah's Ark with the small branch so that God could let him know that the rains were over and that there was land re-appearing out there, somewhere.
I believe in a good and caring God who will bring you through this storm and to the shore where you can live and enjoy your life and family fully, again.
With God's Love,
John
Hey Carly,
ReplyDeleteI have to say, the thing you bring most to my life, is your unwavering faith and love in God. It's pretty spectacular. Very inspiring. A real treasure to be found in this world of fear and apathy :) Can't wait to see you! Lots of hugs and kisses being sent your way! Hi to Nate and kisses for the Vienna! Miss you!
Carly, You are loved by so many many people. Even while you are going through so much for so long, you continue to selflessly give love and support to those around you. I am always amazed how much you focus on me when I am having a bad day, even though you may be having a far worse day. You are always there for me. You are a true friend and I love you.
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