Feeling Yucky Again

I find it to be very interesting how depression creeps up on me. I thought I was doing really well and then boom I feel yucky again.

I saw my counselor yesterday. We talked about how I have a really hard time with my limitations. I don’t think I would mind so much if I was not surrounded by people who are getting all kinds of things done. I try not to compare myself to others but I still do it. I do not measure up to the average person let alone, the over achievers. We also talked about how it is more important to focus on who I am rather than what I do. God has been teaching me this lesson for several years now. When I was practically bed ridden (I would go from the bed to the couch) in 2002 I struggled with my worth. God showed me that he cared most about my heart and the person I was on the inside. Yes that is so important. And I agree that should be my focus but again, it is SO hard when I am surrounded by doers.

We talked about how this is very hard for me to accept. I want to be a great person but also to do great things. I started crying at the very beginning of the session and pretty much cried the rest of the day. I think I feel a great sense of grief and sadness. That may sound silly but I am grieving the loss of being able to do many of the things I thought I would do in my lifetime. I am very lucky that Fibromyalgia and depression are not cancer or some other fatal disease. However, at the same time, they have stolen so much from me. I am tired all the time. Whenever I do any exercise other than walk I end up in a tremendous amount of pain. I even get sore from walking if I do that for too long. So I am feeling very sad.

I really did cry all afternoon yesterday. I just could not stop the tears from flowing. By the time Nate and V got home I was so exhausted that I could have gone to bed for the night. Crying really takes a lot out of me. I have been exhausted again today. I am not talking about a little tired but overwhelming exhausted. The exhaustion mixed with depression was not good. I ended up sleeping much of the day. I was so tired but I still feel soooooooooooooooo tired. It seemed to take all of my energy to do the dishes and shower.

Nate being the wonderful and smart husband that he is made me go for a walk this evening. We went on a family picnic and then for a walk in the woods. I am so glad we did that. It was nice to be outside with my man, girl and dog. But now I am right back to feeling blah, sad, and yuck! It is 8:15 pm and I would love to go bed for the night. Instead I am making myself write.

I am thankful that today is almost over. I am determined to make tomorrow better. I see my psychiatrist in the morning. Maybe he will have some miracle cure for me. Probably not, but at least I get to start fresh tomorrow.

Gratitude/Happy List continued

208. I received a beautiful encouraging card from my friend yesterday.
209. My counselor is very, kind, encouraging and helpful.
210. My dog gives superb cuddles.
211. My dad and his wife made it home safely from Europe
212. My cousin had a beautiful healthy little girl yesterday.
213. The weather has been fabulous.