Still Struggling

Happy/Grateful list continued

178. God’s mercies are new every morning.
179. My family laughed a lot together last night.
180. My bed is very comfy.
181. The kitchen is clean.
182. V adored seeing her Grandparents, Aunt and other family in Ohio.
183. V’s Grandma put on a lovely Birthday party for her.
184. This same Grandma also made her a beautiful princess cake.
185. Nate really enjoyed seeing his family
186. We laughed a lot with our friends on Saturday night.
187. I have a new nephew. Nate’s step-brother adopted a 10 year-old boy.
188. Nate’s sister seems really happy:).
189. We made Nate’s Grandma very happy by visiting her. She was very grateful.
190. V got to play with two of bestest little friends. They are so adorable together.
191. Jenny-Dog was super affectionate yesterday.

I really need to write more. My thoughts get all jumbled when I try to process too many days at a time. Where do I start? The last few days have been challenging. They have not been terrible by any means but they have not been easy. We went to Ohio on Thursday night to visit my husband’s family. We did not get to bed until 1:00 am (including my almost 3 year-old daughter) which is not a good way for me to start my weekend. I really need my sleep. The night before we left (Wednesday) I was not able to fall asleep until 3:00 am. So I was tired right from the beginning.

I struggled a bit with insecurity. However, whenever I started to question myself I tried to re-structure my thoughts. I would tell myself that there was no reason to be insecure and that even if the family did not like me it is God’s opinion that really matters. I found myself being a little needy towards my husband. I really needed him to give me a little extra encouragement as well as hugs and touches. This did not happen. He was focused on his family as he should have been. He only sees them a few times a year and he sees me every day. Now I am not saying that I needed him to focus on me or even give me a solid hour of attention each day. I just needed a little attention. I needed some “I love you”s, some stolen kisses, and some encouraging words at the end of each day. I have a fantastic loving and supportive husband. It is challenging for anyone to juggle family and their spouse.

I am still really struggling with depression. I have to try very hard each day to not give into feeling totally depressed. I have to choose to depend on God and not simply go back to bed which is what I really want to do. Actually this weekend I really wanted to hide and watch TV. I just wanted to check out, to have mind occupied with other people’s lives like those on television.

I got to spend a lot of time with my daughter which was really nice. It was also challenging at times. We still have to practically fight her to use the potty. She is also not very interested in listening right now. But overall she is adorable, funny, delightful, and very fun to be with. I love listening to her sing! She has the sweetest little voice. Her favorite question is why. I don’t believe she is saying it to be annoying rather; she really wants to know why. She is very good at talking me into things. She has become quite the little bargainer.

I don’t feel like doing anything today. I already went back to bed for a couple of hours and watched some TV. I really just want to curl up and watch a movie but there is always so much to do. I don’t know why I cannot get organized and keep things clean and picked up every day. I can tell that I am still depressed because I often don’t want to do things to take care of me. This morning I did not want to take the time to take my medicine and vitamins. I wanted to go back to bed and deal with it later. How hard is it to take a couple of pills? Sunday I almost did not fill up my water bottle for the long drive home because it seemed like too much work. I had to make myself do it. Drinking is something simple that I can do to take care of myself but lately it feels like one more hard thing to do. I did not shower yesterday and I still have not done it today. Making food is such a chore that I put off as long as I can. I usually end up making some microwave meal or I eat cereal. This too is not good for me.

It is a good thing that I have to be somewhere the next two mornings because that will force me to get moving.