What's The Deal?

I am having another really difficult day. I am weepy and overwhelmed. I am really struggling with the physical symptoms of depression. My mind is all foggy, I feel groggy, I am tired, and I feel gloomy. I have been trying to feel good but I can’t seem to make it happen. I have felt anti-social and blah. I feel weak, like a gentle gush of wind would blow me right over. I feel fragile like I could break at any moment.

I have been having hard time writing in this journal. I am feeling blah and so it is difficult for me to express myself. I am usually a more creative writer. In fact usually I really enjoy writing but lately I just stare at the empty computer screen trying to figure what to write.

Since yesterday was a tough day I got right up today and exercised right away. I have been very intentional about thinking positive thoughts. I went through the many things I am grateful for in my head. We went out to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. Nate and V gave me a very sweet Mothers Day note. They also got me two beautiful gifts and a very practical one. I have been focusing on the good yet I am still feeling lousy. I know that I am very tired and sometimes that makes depression worse but I should not feel this bad.

I really need to vacuum, do the dishes and pick up around the house but I just can‘t seem to get myself to do it. I cancelled Mothers Day dinner with my mom because I could not handle the stress of having guests. I can barely handle the stress of having a 3 year old daughter who is extremely willful and has no desire to use the potty. I need to find a way to pull myself together. It is not fair for Nate to have to shoulder all of the burdens of running a household and raising a child. I don’t know how single parents do it.

I worry that Nate will get sick of me and want to leave. I have been physically sick with Fibromyalgia and mentally ill with depression our whole marriage. I don’t know how he hasn’t gotten fed up already. I know he loves me but I am really a lot of work. He has been so patient, loving and supportive. He deserves a big long stress free vacation. He deserves to have a woman take good care of him for a while. I want to be that woman.

I really want to get better. I don’t understand why it is not happening. I am so tired of being a burden to others. I am so tired of feeling the way that I feel. I am really hurting. I hurt so very much and I can’t seem to make it stop.

I don’t enjoy things that I would usually enjoy. I was in the nursery this morning at church and I found the babies annoying rather than delightful. And it was definitely not the children it was me. I don’t enjoy much of the time I spend with V. I feel like it is a chore. I used to absolutely adore my time with her. I don’t enjoy quality time with Nate, social activities, or doing fun things. I feel like all that I enjoy is sleep and eating sugary foods. I feel like I am up tight all the time. I want to relax, go with the flow and enjoy my life. Why can’t I make this depression go away? What is wrong with me?

I know that depression is an illness. But I am taking medication, going to counseling, and I have even done several ECT treatments. So what is the deal? Why am I not better?

I am grateful for…
133. The birds singing today.
134. Playing hide and seek with V.
135. The yummy lunch I had at Cheddars restaurant.
136. A restful rejuvenating nap this afternoon.
137. A fabulous mom who I love very much.
138. A terrific step-mom who is a blessing to us all.
139. A great mother in-law and step mother in-law.
140. A kind and loving grandma in-law and step grandma.
141. So many family members who do a great job loving my daughter.
142. A loving church family.
143. My fabulous husband.
144.  My adorable daughter.

I don’t have the energy to do my Get Out Of The Pit journal today.