True or Not True?

Lord I am so thankful for….

192. Life. We (I) so often take the gift of life for granted. Thank you for this opportunity to experience, enjoy, live, love, laugh, cry, and get to know you Lord.
193. My family. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who love and support me.
194. My wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally.
195. My delightful daughter who I love more than I ever could have imagined loving. She teaches me new lessons every day and ALWAYS brings a smile to my face. I adore her words, enthusiasm, wonder, will, heart, hugs kisses.
196. Jesus. I cannot express my gratitude in words right now but I also cannot leave my faithful, forgiving, life giving God off the list.
197. Fun times with friends.
198. The church service I went to last night. The worship was powerful, the message was encouraging and challenging and the Holy Spirit was present.
199. I got to speak with my sister this morning. We are so good at playing phone tag.
200. V and I planted flowers yesterday. She was so adorable digging in a bag of soil that was almost twice the size of her. She takes after me and likes to over water.
201. The amazing sunshine.
202. All of my material needs are met. I am so blessed. Thank you God, Nate, Mom, Dad, Sharon and Tom for all that you have given and continue to give me.
203. Inspirational movies. Movies can be extremely rejuvenating for me. They help motivate, refresh, awaken, and empower me. They almost always point me to God’s goodness. No matter how “ungodly” the material is. Movies are about people and people are God’s masterpieces.
204. Love. That sounds so cliché but I truly am thankful for all the love I have in my life.
205. Singing. It lifts my mood and always makes me smile.
206. My daughter’s singing. It is double the smiles!!!!!
207. God. Again that sounds cliché but I am so thankful for God in my life. I cannot even seem to put into words the specifics of this gratitude but it is immense.

The last time I wrote I described how I felt like doing nothing. One thing that I have learned through the years as I have dealt with depression; is that some days I need to let go. Some days I am not strong enough to fight and that is ok. I am not saying that I give up but rather that I give in and focus on tomorrow. Sometimes I just need to go to bed for the night and start anew the next day. I know that sounds like quitting but those who have truly experienced depression understand. Sometimes we don’t have the energy to fight and we need to rest up so we join the battle the next day.

Well last time I wrote it was one of those days. It took all of my energy to write about what I was feeling. So I gave myself permission to rest and take care of myself. It is amazing how much better I felt when I simply gave myself permission to have a hard day and to take it easy. I got in the car and drove (un-showered…but that is ok) to the video store. I rented a funny movie and bought some chocolate ice cream. I often go out to a movie but that day I wanted to spend two hours petting my extremely loving dog. Pets can be extremely therapeutic. Ice cream can really make things better. I realize that is not the healthiest way of coping especially for me because I need to lose weight but right now while I am trying to survive chocolate ice cream on bad days is a bit therapeutic. I laughed hard and long at my movie and thoroughly enjoyed my ice cream. I felt refreshed and ready to move on after this Carly specific laughter therapy session. Each person is different and different things help pull them out of the pit. For me watching a funny movie and laughing is so very helpful.

The lesson here is that I let go, stopped trying to check off my "to do" list, and let myself relax. After I watched the movie I got up and cleaned the kitchen. Go Carly. Then I did my relaxation exercises and went for a long walk. Yeah victory. Last Tuesday was a victorious day! Praise the Lord.

I have been doing pretty well since then. I still struggle with motivation and energy. I did not expect it to take this long for me to get through this bought of depression. However this is not just a little bought it has been a big full blown major depressive disorder experience. Yuck! Depression stinks! I have such a hard time being patient with myself.

Yesterday I got frustrated with Nate because he suggested that I was not ready to have my daughter at home with me full time. I am her mother for goodness sakes; of course I am what am best for her. But I need to be healthy in order to be what is best for her. Nate wants to make sure I am strong, steady and very healthy. He wants to have me take the time to get fully healthy and make lifestyle changes now so we do not have to go through this again. I understand. His reasoning makes sense. I just don’t like feeling like I am doing nothing to contribute to my family and society.

I get embarrassed when I try to explain to people what I am doing right now. How do I explain that my daughter is in full time daycare while I stay home and try to take care of myself? I have a hard time explaining what I do all day. I hated it when I was very sick with fibromyalgia and did not work. Nate and others would tell me to tell people that my job was getting healthy. I felt so useless. But it was a little bit easier to embrace the job of getting healthy than it is currently. Now not only am I not contributing by society by working a job or contributing financially to my family but I am costing them a great deal of money. With medical bills, counseling and now child care what am I worth now?

People can be so judgmental or maybe I just perceive them as being judgmental. Maybe I am just judging myself. Anyway I don’t like feeling like people thinking I am lazy. I do struggle with being lazy at times but I don’t really think I am a lazy person. I have several health issues that zap my energy so I am just not able to do as much as some other people. I suppose this is where I must retrain my thoughts. Rather than worrying about what other people are thinking about me I should think about what I am worth to God. I should try my hardest and be content with my effort. So let’s see….let’s try some cognitive behavioral therapy (restructuring of my thoughts);

It is very hard that V is in daycare right now but I am a good and responsible mom for doing this while I am working on getting healthy. It is the best thing for her, my husband and me to take time working on my emotional, mental and physical health.

Even though I feel weak and others may think I am weak, I am actually a very strong and courageous person for choosing to fight depression instead of giving up.

I do not need to be embarrassed of how I am spending my days because God and the people who truly matter know that I am not just being lazy.

It is very hard for me to say this but, I am not lazy just because I am taking time for myself right now.


Even though I feel somewhat useless at times I am most definitely not useless. I am impacting my friends, my families and hopefully many other people’s lives right now.

Even though I might feel unlovable at times I am loved. God always loves me. I also have friends and family who love me just because I am Carly. I do not have to “do” or “be” certain things to earn God’s love. God loves me simply because I am me.

Well the tears are really flowing now. It is not easy to overcome negative feelings with positive thoughts. But the truth is; what we feel is not always true or correct. Our feelings are often irrational and exaggerated. But the hurt I feel is real. My feelings are real. The challenge is to take my painful feelings and turn them around into truthful thoughts.

God is so good. Life is hard sometimes. Depression sucks. But so does financial hardship, illness, loss of loved ones, and so many other trials in life. I am not alone in my suffering. I am not alone in this struggle. With God anything is possible. His power is made perfect in my weakness. God is good. I am thankful to be alive.