I am so Grateful

I am so fragile when I am struggling with depression. The littlest things seem to stress me out. I am especially having a hard time with my daughter’s crying and whining. She is having a really hard time adjusting to the new schedule. Usually she stayed up with us in the evenings until 9:30 and then would sleep until 8. But now we have to get her up at 6:45. She cries in the morning begging us to let her go back to bed and then she cries and tells me she wants to stay home with me. It is breaking my already fragile heart. She is also having a hard time going to bed earlier. She is used to spending all day with me and several hours with Nate in the evening. She misses me all day and then is having her time with us cut short in the evenings. I am trying very hard not to feel guilty.
I keep telling myself that depression is an illness and that if I were sick with some other debilitating disease that we would be in the same boat. I need to take care of myself right now so that I can take care of V in the future. By having her in daycare we don’t have to worry about her during the day. She is safe and having fun.

My depression has been extremely hard on my husband. He is so amazing. He is patient, loving and so supportive but he is also human with needs of his own. It was too much for him to be worrying about me and V all day. With V in daycare he can relax and know that she is happy and being well cared for.

I had another really good day today. I woke up feeling like myself. I was happy to be alive and was motivated to get things done. It is really crazy how some mornings I wake up with this huge dark cloud looming over me. I wake up feeling sad, tired, overwhelmed and unmotivated. It is a huge challenge just to get out of bed. Then I had a morning like today. I woke up rejuvenated and very thankful for the day ahead. I sang praise songs as I got ready to go to my ECT treatment and spent time in prayer.

I have decided to start an “I’m so grateful” journal. Each day before I start the day I am going to write down 3 things I am grateful for before I start my day. Then before bed I will write 3 more things or people that I am thankful for. When I started it yesterday I couldn’t limit myself to 3 things. I have so very much to be grateful for.

I listed all of my friends and family which was a very long list. I am so blessed to have such great people in my life. I am also grateful for the kind nurses who care for me when I get my ECT treatments. They make me feel comfortable and are very encouraging.

I am also grateful for:

1. The birds singing this morning
2. The sunshine
3. My amazing daughter
4. I have my own car
5. Funny movies
6. Medical insurance
7. The privilege of staying home with my daughter
8. Dr. Barns
9. Facebook (it helps keep me connected with the people I care about).
10. God’s faithfulness
11. God’s Word
12. Joyce (a really nice nurse who cares for me)