A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.


Monday, March 29, 2010

Trying to Change

I just kissed my daughter goodbye and sent her off to her first day of daycare. She did not want to wake up. She tearfully told me that she wanted to stay home with me or that she wanted me to go with her. Her tears just broke my heart. My heart is breaking. Lots of children go to daycare but not usually because the mom is too depressed to take care of the child. I feel like I have failed her and like I have failed me. My job right now has been to raise V and to keep our home running smoothly. I seem to be failing at both.

My thoughts are so jumbled right now.

I wish I could say that I have had 4 good days in a row. Thursday was good, Friday was challenging, Saturday was good and yesterday was terrible. I could not stop crying last night. I was shaking I was crying so hard and I could not pin point the reason I was crying. There were a few things going on but nothing to warrant that kind of crying.

I am feeling rather useless right now. I get overwhelmed by everything. I feel so weak. Why can’t I handle my life? I know depression is a disease but I still feel like it is my fault. I still feel guilty for letting my child, husband, parents, and friends down.

I am trying to change the way I think about things. For example; “I am not a failure for taking my child to daycare. I am going through a difficult time and I need to focus on getting healthy. Taking V to daycare will be the best thing for all of us in the long run. Having her in child care is not permanent and I am not a bad mother for taking time to take care of myself.”

It is not so hard to change my thoughts but rather my feelings. I often try to think one way but feel another way. There is so much hurt inside of me. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with it. Where do I put it and how do I process it?

I have made some goals for the day. It is time for me to go work on them.
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4 comments:

  1. AnonymousMarch 29, 2010 at 3:06 PM

    You are a wonderful wife mother for wanting to get better and making steps to do so! Thank you for your courage to share your life. Your daughter, when she is grown, will see how much you loved her even though you had struggles based on the steps you are taking. God is good and I am praying for you and your family. - Cori Green Roton

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  2. UnknownMarch 29, 2010 at 11:36 PM

    Hey, Carly. I'm so sorry you're going through this heavy depression and have gone through it for years.

    I don't want to add to your burdens so dismiss this if it's too much. I just wanted to know if you've been to counseling (you mentioned being on medication for a long time but didn't mention anything about that). I don't want to tout it as a cure all but it made a difference in my life.

    Praying for you.

    Heather (Cummings)

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  3. CarlyMarch 30, 2010 at 8:52 PM

    Heather,

    Yes I have had lots of therapy. I am seeing a counselor right now. Thanks for the suggestion.

    ReplyDelete
  4. CarpeDiem88April 1, 2010 at 1:12 PM

    Don't look at daycare as a step down. Or a step up for that matter...more like a step to the side. :)

    I love the fact that my daughter goes to daycare, she gets to meet and interact with people and kids who she wouldn't have normally met. In fact, he social skills, communications skills, and personal responsibility all benefit from her being around other kids and other authority figures. She can learn from their mistakes before experiencing things herself. She can also learn things that they know before we would have gotten around to teaching them.

    I'm not saying I wouldn't love to be able to spend all day with her, but I see a great benefit to her getting to experience new things and new people.

    I'm not sure if this helps, but it's the way I look at daycare, I try not to see it as what each of us is loosing, but more what we are both gaining.

    -Joe

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