I am still surprised by how much depression hurts. Last night I was doubled over in pain crying like a loved one had just died. Only no one had died, except perhaps, part of me. I think that is it, I felt like I was dying. Pieces and parts of the fun, energetic, silly, intelligent, vibrant, outgoing, and spontaneous Carly have died; at least they feel like they have died. They are probably deep down somewhere inside of me buried by the dark nasty cloud of depression.
I really miss my old self. I wonder if that me is ever coming back. I have battled depression for so long that it has changed me. I have changed. I am more sensitive to other people's pain and I am a better listener. However I am also more introverted and I find that talking with people does not come as naturally to me. I don't laugh as much. Small talk is really difficult for me. I suppose that is because I just don't have the energy to pretend that everything is ok. I did that for so long. I never wanted to make people uncomfortable by telling them that I was really suffering, barely holding on, and in pain (both physical and emotional). Most people don't know what to say to that. Even my closest friends might struggle with the right words to say if my response to "How are you?" is not good, not good at all.
I also have Fibromyalgia. Fibro can manifest itself differently in each person. For me I was sick in bed for a year. I could only work for a few hours a week for a couple of years. I suffer from wide-spread body pain. Sometimes it feels like I have the flu or ran a race and everything aches and sometimes the pain is much more intense. I am also extremely fatigued but I don't sleep well. I need a lot of sleep to function.
Once the Fibromyalgia was diagnosed and it was established that the pain was not just in my head or that I was not just being lazy I could use it as an excuse for not being talkative or as vibrant as I used to be. Sometimes it really was the pain but most times it was a combination of pain and depression. It is a lot easier to tell people that you are physically not feeling well than emotionally not feeling well. People always want to know what you are depressed about. And many times I don't know. I have loving supportive parents, an amazing daughter and husband. Money can be stressful but it is for most everyone.
Anyway, today is a new day. I woke up with a headache but I am going to do my best to enjoy the day. This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! I am going to keep telling myself "the joy of the Lord is my strength." Plus I get to see two amazing people today. Vienna loves their daughters and squeals with delight when she gets to play with them. I love that. I love seeing her so happy
The following is a prayer and some thoughts that I wrote one hour later than the above post.
God… I feel so anxious right now. I want to spend time with you. I want to pray and read your word but my thoughts are all over the place. I can’t seem to concentrate. My body is all hyped up. I need your help today. Today is a challenge already and it is only 8:18. Please help me calm down and enjoy the day. Enjoy your creation. Enjoy my life. Thank you for my wonderful, loving and supportive husband. Thank you for my adorable daughter Vienna. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the friends that are crawling out of the woodwork to support me right now. It is good to hear that I am loved. Strangely it makes me cry. I think that is because I don’t feel I deserve all the love I am receiving. Lord please be my strength. Please give me your peace. Please help me be a patient loving mom today. I don’t want Vienna to see me cry again. She is so precious. When she sees me cry she says “Mommy are you sad?”
A devotion I have Jesus Calling spoke to me this morning. It is written as God is speaking directly to me.
This is what it said
"When I gave you my Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to me, you can accomplish My purposes in my strength."
Ok I am a bit calmer now.
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A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
- Carly
- I am a 33 year old stay at home mom. I have a very supportive husband. I have been dealing with depression for half my life and have been on medication for 14 years. The meds are no longer working. My diagnosis is major reoccurring treatment resistant depressive disorder. I am desperate to feel better. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe He is all powerful and mighty but I often don't understand how my depression fits into His plan. I want to have hope but I am feeling hopeless.
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